"You will always have a lot of friends!" . . .

When I changed schools, in 7th grade, on the cusp of becoming a teenager, later on that year, I entered, the most self-conscious years, of my life. I started taking stock of my impact on the environment that I found myself in, at this junior high school. Realizing, I had to make a conscious choice to project myself to others in some favorable light, to have any chance of attaining the popularity, with people, that is so coveted, at that age, I disciplined myself to display a few very carefully chosen personality traits, and let everything else fall by the wayside as far as my self-expressiveness. This was the threshold of the awkward, teenage time of life, when others' perceptions, about us, were everything, to my age group; including me. I was, too cerebral, too much of a bookworm (even, wearing glasses, which, seemed to emphasize the point), to come anywhere near the orbit of the popular clique of kids. That was fine with me; but I knew I could do better than I was, as far as finding my place in the planetary placement of popularity with my peers. I was stuck somewhere in the middle of the peer-reviewed rankings, that are such  a crucial measuring stick, for our self-esteem, at that tender, and overly anxious, age. While I wasn't invisible to my age group, by any means, socially speaking, I just wasn't showing my best self, or shining my light in the situation, as they say.

Alot, of that, had to do with the uncertainty, I felt, from my upbringing. Standing out or speaking up, as I was growing up in my family, seemed to simply earn me  unwanted responses, that taught me, it was safer to hide myself in the shadows, as much as possible, than try to shine, and be censored, or even struck, for that. Instead of, being allowed, to grapple with my own identity, and in doing so, build better social skills, and gain more confidence in my ability to interact with others, my struggles to grow into my self often got me criticism, chastisement, and even corporal punishment. I was taught that, I was to be seen and not heard; that my opinions or ideas had no place and no value, and expressing them was not worth risking the swift, and harsh, response, from my dad, in particular. I lived much of my home life as a child trying to shrink into the shadows, in order to avoid, even, accidentally, encountering, my father's critical, disapproving, scowl; and his ire. I was definitely not raised to show up and shine. In all those 18 formative years of  my childhood I was very rarely praised for any positive attributes, or skills, that I possessed. I wasn't really interacted with much at all, by my father, unless it was to scold or spank me for something. I was not a bad child so it seeded a seething anger in me that the only attention my father took time, and trouble, to give me, was to drive home his point that I was somehow a disappointment, to him, which deserved only his discipline and never his affirmation. I learned that, as long as I simply suffered silently, so that, I did not interrupt, his, constant, TV watching, or intrude, on his naps, that he took on the couch, while his TV shows droned on, in the background, that I was, allowed, to exist; but that was about all. He spanked me once for daring to change the channel, on the TV, to watch something else, as  he lay there asleep. As soon as I had switched it over he woke and expressed not just annoyance, but extreme anger, and hostility, at me, for my doing that, 'in his house'. Apparently, I was only an intruder, in that place; an obviously unwelcome guest, he was, resentfully, hosting. I spent my entire childhood, walking on eggs, around this terrifying tyrant. There was no way to flourish, while shrinking myself down, desperately trying to survive what was my everyday existence in his house.

Mothers have the larger load to carry, in the vast majority of homes, it seems. My mother was a wife, a schoolteacher (for most of my childhood) and the mother of 4 kids. To make communication, with her, even more difficult, for me, aside from, her busyness, my mother, who had once been, 'my hero', in our home life, whom  I adored, and had even emulated, as a very little girl, became, what I would only understand decades later as being, increasingly, narcissistic, as the years passed; to the point that she eventually became so treacherous, and toxic, toward me, as her scapegoat, that I finally had to go No Contact with her and maintain that very painful decision, instead of backtracking, any more than the, several, times that I had already risked that, over the years, in the hopes that we could find some way to have a mutually enjoyable, and healthy, relationship, with one another. >sigh<

As a girl on the brink of my womanhood with all the bewildering things happening to me, at that age, I tried to talk to her, at times, about things I was thinking and feeling, in this particular year of my life, when I stood a head taller than the boys in my class, and was taking alot of teasing for that, from other kids. But, if, in my normal, understandable, teenage angst, I sounded remotely, frustrated, or upset, about what I was struggling to say, to her, to try to get her to understand, and to feel what I was feeling, at that very vulnerable age, my dad would swoop into the scene and spank me. He did that up until this very age, that I am describing now, when he finally stopped hitting me at least, when he so took me by surprise, with that last physical assault on my behind, that I peed on his hand as he hit me, and fled the room, in humiliation, leaving a puddle of my urine, on the floor. It's also a really bad message to receive as a child, about your worth in this world, when the only time your father even acknowledges you, or ever touches you, at all, is when he scolds you or strikes you. My crime, that he felt, warranted that last assault? I had been sharing my frustrations, with my mom, about the fact that I didn't have any outfits that were on trend like the other girls were wearing, and as a result of them reacting to that unfavorably, by 'judging a book by its cover', which this age group is particularly known for doing, toward one another, I was experiencing alot of trouble being accepted and fitting in, because that made me stand out as being too different, from them. In other words, I had been expressing something that is a, very typical, teenage, emotion. I was struggling, to express these things, to my mother, when my father physically attacked me for it. Instead of being empathetic or supportive or helpful, he had chosen to punish me, for expressing these things. It was not something that, I deserved to be struck for feeling, by my father. Being a teenager, it was, difficult, enough, to feel positive about my self-image, to begin with, as my body began changing, so rapidly, blooming, into womanhood, without my emotional compass for navigating all these increasing complexities of life, as a female, on this planet, being further, and erroneously, skewed by my father acting as if I were a terrible human being, for expressing, normal, fear, and frustration. I wasn't doing well, with all the changes, and demands, life, was giving me, to have to deal with, and I didn't have anyone in the family, being a, sympathetic, support system to help me get through it and come out on the other side feeling confident about my identity, as 'me'. The unique individual God created and called me to be.

I was on the cusp of my teenage years, then. Recently, I just turned 66 years old. These experiences, and the memories they leave behind, in our psyche, stay with us, for our lifetime. Below is a post I put on Facebook, this year (just last month), where I am sharing, some of the results of this, that I, still, live with, to this day:

Some of these things are still a real challenge for me. I was raised to not have or speak with a voice of my own. So, it does not come naturally, or comfortably, for me, and my success at speaking up and speaking out varies widely. It doesn't help that most people aren't comfortable hearing the truth, or even anything else, that they don't want to hear, and it can leave me feeling the brunt of their hostility toward me, for saying what I do, when I do, even if it was warranted, proper, and healthy, given the situation or conversation between us. >sigh!< Humans are MY HARDEST THING to DEAL with. I often wonder if it is really alot easier for OTHER people; and if THEY feel SAFE, ACCEPTED, RESPECTED, and LOVED, by other humans. Honestly, I rarely do. It is SCARY for me and HARD for me. I truly TRY MY BEST, but humans are often so stressful for me to try to interact with that I usually avoid doing it, at all costs, about 99% of the time. Social media masks that, for me, in that I can post things that resonate with me, in some way, that still aren't exactly the same as me PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE. My family of origin wasn't a safe place for me, mentally or emotionally, and sometimes, physically. So, I wasn't taught that people are SAFE for me to interact with and engage in relationships with. It is just so hard, for me. I just know that I want REAL, TRUE, CARING, connections, with people, and can just be myself, and feel like that's alright; that's enough; that's ACCEPTABLE. That's all I can really bring to the table, anyway, is myself. But, we live in a world, now, that can be so superficial. It's like JUNK FOOD for THE SOUL, in alot of ways. I don't come away feeling truly seen, or heard, or cared about. I just accept that, because the way I see it, at least I didn't get DAMAGED MORE BY PEOPLE. (Hopefully, anyway.) We should be such a source of joy and support, for one another. Loving our neighbor as we love ourselves. But, that thing they teach us-- TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED-- NEVER REALLY WORKS WELL for me. At all! I must be MISSING something. . . . I really don't know. I just know that human relationships OFTEN DON'T FEEL 'SAFE' for me. It is REALLY HARD. - Deborah

Alot of introspection, alone in my room, along with an old library book that I read, on how to be considered charming, was what, did help me, all those years ago, to develop some 'survival' strategies, for how to get through that pivotal year, in my life, in a much more successful way than I was doing by simply staying helplessly adrift as I was, always at the mercy of others, and their, sometimes, cold or cruel comments about one another, of which I was one of the targets. I wanted to stop whatever waves of others' opinions had been buffeting me about, in these murky waters of peer popularity. I wouldn't have known how to express this, then, but I wanted to develop some proactive personal power, to secure a higher standing in the pecking order, of peer popularity.  Since, I was spending the large majority of my childhood hidden away behind the closed door to my bedroom, which brought me more peace and protection, for my soul, all alone, in my room, away from the rest of my family, who weren't, accepting, affirming, or affectionate, toward me, I didn't try out any of my new traits, on them, that I was, consciously developing. I remained the same person I had been, at home, in order to continue hiding in the shadows as much as I possibly could. I had learned, along the way, that my dad's attention would only be harsh, critical, or punitive, if I was the recipient, of it, so I did all I could to avoid him, at all costs, My mother's hostile narcissism caused me to avoid interactions with her, all I could, also. I didn't know that her behavior had a name, and that it was that, at the time. I didn't know anything about narcissists selecting a scapegoat, to target, either-- someone that they resented, because, in a sick way, they, actually, admired, that person, for some of their qualities-- which the narcissist doesn't have; and feeling insecure in comparison to them, they seek to bring that, targeted, person down to their own level, if not, totally destroy, that person (which, was me, in my mom's case). I only knew that, I was being singled out, and victimized, by her, and it left me feeling, sad, and scared. I needed to be affirmed, by my mother, not undermined. Especially, during those most vulnerable years I was growing up, when being deprived of healthy relationships and positive interactions can scar someone, for life, damaging, them, irrevocably; as it did me.

 

I began to be laser-focused, on my new personality, I was consciously cultivating, when I was away from home, such as at school, or on church youth retreats, and so forth. My mother dropped me off, at the junior high school, on her way to the, elementary, school, that she taught at, and in between getting out of the car and reaching the entrance door of the school I quickly shed my 'home self', switching to my 'school self'. No longer, being, the introverted, stay-under-the-radar, self, I emerged, in a split second, on the other side of that door, as an outgoing, upbeat and confident girl. It was a case of 'fake it 'til you make it' as I began, trying out, the advice, and strategies, that I had learned, from the library book I read. I was surprised, and gratified, by how well those teachings worked, for me! Virtually all my classmates began to respond to me positively, and affirmatively. I did not get into the 'popular kids' clique (to be honest, I never even wanted to be with those highly superficial, snobby, people) but, even they began to give me their respect, however grudging, it may have been. Teachers consistently called on me in class, and I became known as one of the smartest kids in the class. I excelled, in many areas, and my confidence grew. I was still myself but I had found a way to be my best self and the results of that were rewarding. Guys in my class asked me to go steady with them-- even though I still stood a head taller than almost all of them. I approached everything, and everyone, with a positive outlook, when I was away from my family; where staying alone in my room in as much obscurity as possible seemed like my only hope for survival, in that, very-loveless-feeling, environment.

I was finally getting the acceptance and affirmation from others I was starving for but that I wasn't ever getting from anyone at home. In gym class, the girls would grumble, about having to exercise, or play volleyball, and then be sweaty, for the rest of the day. I stood there, and stood out, as being the one that had a smile on my face though, no matter what was asked of us by our gym teacher, and to do it with, enthusiasm, and supportiveness, of the teacher, and the other students. We had a student teacher that year, as well, who was working on his teaching degree under the training of the school's coach who was, also, our 'Phys Ed' teacher. One day in gym class, as this young man looked out at the lines of girls standing there in formation in the gym, waiting to begin to exercise under his direction, he called out my 'good attitude', in front of, all of those assembled peers, of mine. He could clearly see each of our faces, as he stood before us, and apparently, mine was the only one that appeared anywhere near reflecting positivity about our having to do calisthenics. His, making an example out of me, and me alone, to this entire class caused one of my best friends to get so mad at me, for what she perceived as me making them all look bad, that she actually slapped me in the face, when we went to the locker room, to retrieve our books, for our next class. It shocked me, that I had raised her insecurities that much, when my only intent was simply to alleviate my own, by new behaviors. She was constantly teased, more than most girls, so I sympathized with her, chose to just turn the other cheek (as I hoped she wouldn't slap that one, too), and I let it go, because she had never done anything like that, to me, before, and as I expected, especially when, I was 'the bigger person' about it, in front of our peers, she never did it again. She had developed early, and fully, into a very-grown-woman's body shape, and was not only, tall, but, 'a big girl', as well. She had red hair that drew even more attention to her body, and earned her the nickname, 'Big Red'. It was not the most flattering nickname, to be given to a young girl, that was barely into her teens; by her peers. It had to be hard for her, getting through childhood, when she was still just a very insecure child trapped in a voluptuously developed body that she didn't know how to receive, this early on.

I felt better than I had, toward myself, at least, at school, while she still felt badly about herself, so she suddenly felt very threatened by me. My trying to become a better 'me', wasn't about 'showing her up', by my 'showing off', though, or things like that. I wasn't trying to be egotistical, at all; I was, aiming for, confident. I left the locker room, before she did, without causing any scene, about her hitting me, or, snitching, to the student teacher/coach-in-training. Some other girl apparently told him about it, when she left the gym, though, so, he asked me, about it. I told him, things were okay, that it was no big deal; that she was a friend of mine, who was just having a bad day apparently. He looked at me with such an expression of glowing affirmation, even admiration, due to my always having a positive attitude, and he said something, to me, that day, before I left the gym, which I have never forgotten-- both, because it was the very affirmation that I was starving for, in my life, and because, as life went on, and I grew up, and went out into this world, as, an adult, his words would come back to me, many times, over the years, to haunt me, and to taunt me, even, to this very day. He said, to me, "You will always have alot of friends!" He wasn't, consoling me, about the, literal, slap in the face by 'Big Red'. He was, telling me that, my positive, confident, personality, attributes, that I had worked, so hard, on developing, that year, to make my life, and relationships, happier, would, in themselves, assure me of having alot of favor with other people in my life, who would, also, admire, these attributes. Clearly, as I would learn, the hard way, after becoming an adult female, on this planet, this young man was not aware of the way that this would really play itself out, for me, as a grown woman.

Carolyn's slap in the face in junior high school, was going to prove to be my, first, experience of, the reality, of how resentful, other women would be, of my, bubbly, confident, personality traits. I would later learn that, men, would react differently to it, in ways, that were, almost always, sexual. Including, married men. It was a very frustrating situation, for me, to deal with, at times! To this day, I have never found the way to allow myself the freedom of expression to, just, be my best self, without my doing so, attracting frequently problematic thoughts and behaviors of both women and men. Even though, those are, very different ones, depending on the gender, they make my life, more difficult, and distressing, for me, either way. Just to clarify this, on a deeper level, I do also retain those 'social skills', shall we say, that I developed for my alter ego, persona, 'Stevie' when I became a dancer, but those are a set of extremely extroverted traits, along with, the flirty tone, but it includes lots of sexual innuendo, interspersed in all that; which, was necessary, for me to be able to do my job, well, while working in those nightclubs. Frankly, I was flexing those attributes again, only a couple of days ago, as I interacted with some guys on a social media site on Valentine's Day. I don't personally know any of these guys, that I was 'shamelessly' flirting with. It was just, fun! For all of us, it seemed. The day, specifically celebrating romantic love bonds between couples, can get alot of people down. I LOVE being single, but the mood, online, from alot of other people, led me to believe that, I could lift some spirits, by showing them, the compliment of flirting with them; so I did. It was lighthearted sexually-tinged playtime, for us! I even had one guy, who I only know from this website, but who has become very dear to me, over the years we've interacted on this site, tell me at the end of our typed out torrent of tweets, that, my flirting, had made his day!

Below, are some of these posts, that were flying back and forth, between me and him and other responders to it. It is how I am when I am being much more of my 'Stevie' self, than my 'Deborah' self. Although, I haven't worked in a nightclub, for 25 years or so, now, I still, do some of my 'Stevie' dance moves, dancing around, my home, for an exercise session, after, I've been sitting, for too long, or frankly, to let off some of my pent up sexual steam. I may be older, but I'm not dead yet! These, are examples, of my, adult, adapted, personality traits that I enjoy flexing when I'm given the freedom to do so, in an interaction with another adult. I enjoy it, as harmless fun, but, I have to shut it down, if it causes misunderstandings, of my intentions, in the relationship. Some people say, there is no such thing as just a little harmless flirting. I don't agree, but maybe, that is because, I KNOW that I am, extremely, happy, being SINGLE, after too many HUGE disappointments, with men, and I am, also, CELIBATE, for decades, now, in fact, so, I am not looking for any serious or sexual relationship with anyone. [I just ordered myself some, new, sex toys, as well, which, I hope, will help to address the lack of circulation, that is contributing to my vaginal atrophy, which is a medically diagnosed condition, that  I have had, for the, last few years. My gynecologist (a female), was the one, who told me that this condition would get worse if I did not stimulate blood flow in the vaginal walls. During my pelvic exam, she said that, it looked, very pale, in there, showing the lack of, oxygenated blood, circulating in this area of my body. I take, all of my health issues, very seriously. As a celibate, I needed, to order the toys.] My going to great lengths to help meet my body's, normal, needs, is more proof, that I DO NOT WANT and AM NOT LOOKING FOR a MAN, to be in my life! That is, therefore, also proof that my fun-loving side is showing because I am HAPPY, not because I am HORNY, for a man. These, therapy, toys, that I have gotten, have a twofold health benefit for me. They stimulate blood flow, and sometimes give me an orgasm, as well. My vaginal atrophy is often painful so, alot of the time, it just hurts, and I have to, get through it, for the sake of, stimulating, blood circulation.

 

I, currently, have, only, 5 friends, on one social media site that I don't feel free to really fully express myself on, as the, multi-faceted, woman that I, actually, am. I feel, anxious, boxed in, careful, cautious, reigned in, tense, when I'm posting and interacting on this site. These 5 friends are also people that I actually know in my life. They know me as Deborah; as a neighbor, a Christian, and former co-worker, in a mall retail setting. They're, real-life friends, some old, and some new. I know that I can't, really, ever be, ALL THAT I AM, around them. So, I feel frustrated, at times, and constricted, which is not fun, or freeing, for me. I'm not relaxed, like I would like to be in all of my personal relationships. I'm not being fake, with them. They DO KNOW a VERY REAL PART of ME. I just can't show or share ALL of who I am, with them, for various reasons. It would shock the 'Christian' friends and my former, retail sales, co-worker, because they ONLY know me as a woman of Faith, and a decent human being, who is very caring, and has conservative values (like,  I don't smoke, or do drugs, and I haven't been a drinker for decades now). Those female neighbors, might rethink allowing me into their lives, if they started to see me as a threat (although, I don't want, who, and what, they have!), and the male neighbor is someone I just recently met, whom I have gone WAY OUT OF MY WAY WITH, as I do with ALL of the new men, that I meet, to BE SURE that HE KNOWS, without, any, doubt, that I am, VERY HAPPILY SINGLE, and am NOT looking for, or wanting, ANY man, in my life. I even go to extremes, with making SURE that they KNOW that, when we first meet, because I have learned, in my life, that men only hear what they want to hear, and take that as simply being a challenge, that I am giving them, to overcome, rather than JUST ACCEPT IT, because I am, TRULY NOT INTERESTED, in that, with them. The male ego, just can't seem to accept the fact that, a female, has, every right, to NOT, have them, in her life, or, her bed, or, her body. I have found that, I have to pound that into their brains, before they accept it, to the point that, it really turns them off, toward me (THANK YOU! That's WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN!). I have also learned that I can't really show my flirty side to, many, men, even, at my age, because EVEN WHEN I EXPLAIN TO THEM, that I DON'T WANT THEM, that it's just a FUN SIDE OF ME, flexing, they take it to heart, too much, and it, undermines, the actual, friendship, which, is what, I truly value, with them. So, in real life, I usually can't have too much fun, for too long, before I have to SHUT IT DOWN, because, it starts to undermine the actual relationship, in problematic ways. >sigh!< Bummer. It prevents me from enjoying my freedom to be myself, fully, with the very people that, I often, feel the most comfortable with.

Here's those tweets, I was talking about, earlier, that I didn't put here sooner due to digressing; although that was still on the subject at hand which is: Why it is so complicated, so much of the time, for me to have fun, and fulfilling, relationships? Interestingly, I currently have 521 followers, on this, social media site, versus the website where I only have 5, right now, and that I can't stand being on, because I feel like, I'm stuffed down into a, very tight, box, of who I am allowed to, actually, be, on that site, even though, my friends, DO CARE ABOUT ME, that are on there. The difference? I don't, personally, know ANY of the people on the site that I have alot more followers, so I am not, intimidated, by any of them, or their opinions, of me, which could cause me to decide to hide, a part of, my, multi-dimensional, self. I am FREE TO BE ME, whatever that is moment to moment. I'm extremely eclectic so even though I am expressing my true self at any given time, it is only one part of me. I cannot possibly display all aspects of me, at all times, because I am such a diversified personality! I live with me, so I understand me, but I can often seem like an enigma to others, especially when they feel a need to pigeonhole me, or to put me in some, simple, straightforward box, that, they feel, can contain all that I am. Quite simply, that would be impossible, in my case. It can be a real challenge for me to accomplish! I am struggling, to explain that, about me, even writing this post! I am so simple, yet completely complicated. I am, often, not what I seem to be, WHATEVER THAT IS, at the time, even though, I am still, being me. I am very spiritual, but I also openly express myself in sexual terms; even though I am both a celibate and a Christian; who loved being an exotic dancer in the nightclubs and who often tells God, that, if I had not, finally, aged out of, that profession, I would love to still be doing it, because, I enjoyed it so much. The freedom of expression! I wear glasses, and love to read books, but, I learned to dance hip-hop moves, by watching YouTube videos-- in, my mid-60s! I'm somewhat shy, and very outgoing.

I'm fairly funny, and deadly serious. Charming, and cold. Always, I am, just, 'me'. 

On that thought: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLurue51jfQ Oh, Hell, yeah! THIS, is, my, theme song, now.-- my rallying cry! This song, really does it for me.

              Some of my Valentine's Day tweets (recipients names removed)

I think of you often. I send you tweets to try to console you and bring you a smile or laugh. I love you! For whatever it's worth I get to go through a 2/13 birthday and 2/14 Valentine's Day double whammy every year that always tells me alot about where I stand with people 

[NOTE: That female friend was sad that people weren't showing their love for her on this poignantly important, special day, that so emphasizes, romantic, love. People, who don't have that, in their lives, or are single because they escaped abusive and narcissistic partners, like this lady, and I, can feel deprived and excluded and unlovable, if we let ourselves go there. She allowed the sadness to overtake her, and I have too, other times. This time, I chose to ENJOY Valentine's Day, by letting my sensuality AND sense of humor out to play, online, just to let off some sexual steam that's been pent up in me, ALOT, lately, and CELEBRATE the truth-- for ME-- that, all things considered, I am GLAD EVERY SINGLE DAY that I do NOT HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE! I'M MUCH HAPPIER THIS WAY!]  

I liked it. I've learned some hip-hop dance moves from YouTube and used them to dance to the songs in the [2/13/22 Super Bowl] Halftime Show, in my livingroom, plus picked up a few new moves from the performers in the show! Kicked off my warm-but-awkward scuffy slippers, and got down!

LOL! Sounds like LOVE IS IN THE AIR, Vegas style, mingled with some other assorted scents.

Aw, THANK YOU! My kidding around and laughing is my BEST form of STRESS RELIEF through all this CRAP that I can't control in the micro and macro of my life. But, I TRULY DO NEED a HUG-- DESPERATELY-- but am too terrified of the pandemic (tho vaxed) to RISK GETTING ONE HUG.

Maybe it's just me, or my mood, tonight, but I started laughing so hard when I saw this! Who KNEW the Rapture would take place via a pizza delivery vehicle? At LEAST you got FOREWARNED. I always heard that WOULDN'T HAPPEN, with the Rapture!

LOL!!! When I saw this from you, I just started laughing so hard my shoulders were shaking up and down. I hate to say it, but based on everything you have told me . . . THIS IS SO 'YOU'! I am SMILING SO BIG right now! I REALLY needed a GOOD LAUGH like THIS today! THANK YOU!

I'm blue-eyed too, just no longer brunette-- all gray now (after a 'Do blonds have more fun?' phase-- which they don't! LOL) I have been so hungry since your pic: Did you make bruschetta for your sourdough bread? I WANT IT SO MUCH!!! Being single, I can eat ALL the GARLIC I want!

There is nothing better in this world than homemade, fresh-baked bread! I'm sitting here trying to imagine the smell of your artisan bread baking. Ummm! Not just Charcuterie, but CHEF! I'm impressed! (And HUNGRY now-- THANKS ALOT!)

So, on Valentine's Day, you can honestly say, now, that you showed me your stuff, and made my mouth water. You left me feeling hungry, and wanting it so bad! LOL! Way to go!

Perhaps his LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG table-- MUCH LONGER than ANYONE ELSE'S-- is his way of doing PENILE PROJECTION, rather than "poison projection". Just sayin'. The whole, I'm BIGGER and LONGER than YOU, thing, MAN TO MAN.

You KNOW the VERY 1ST THING I ADORED about you when we met here was your sense of humor! We both had SO MUCH FUN with our back and forth banter the first day our Tweets somehow connected us here and we started kidding back and forth. I didn't know u r Aquarius 2 'til my bday tho.

HEY! We MAY BE old by the world's standards but we BOTH know we're STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE! Oh yeah, we are! I NEVER KNEW 'TIL I got to be this age (since it's ALL NEW TO ME), I REALLY AM the SAME woman I was 20-30 YRS AGO in EVERY way except for BAD KNEES and VAGINAL ATROPHY! LOL!

I swear, I have WAY MORE FUN on Twitter than I ever have around here, so far. >sigh!< I MISS JUST HAVING SOME REAL FUN! Kidding, laughing, NO PANDEMIC, so I can FINALLY JUST GET ONE HUMAN HUG after more than 2 YEARS! >sigh!<

The HUG you sent me through cyberspace landed well and REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART! It made me STOP smiling, because it almost made me CRY-- but in a GOOD WAY. THANK YOU again! It means ALOT. I'm going through SO MUCH right now. I feel kind of LOST, and STRESSED, and SAD, alot.

I am sending you a GREAT BIG HUG right back! It'll linger awhile, while I cry on your shoulder. Hope you don't mind that. YOU TOUCHED MY HEART!

Please stay connected to me, because you are such a bright light of love that showed up in my life, and I am so blessed by your presence! Thank you for being you! I appreciate you ALOT!

I am SHARING this BIG, WONDERFUL, HUG that [he] kindly sent ME with ALL OF YOU who SEE this Tweet! [He] was SO KIND to SEND IT to ME, and I KNOW that ALOT of my friends are brokenhearted (AS AM I, in ways) and Valentine's Day RUBS IT IN for alot of people. WE ALL NEED SOME LOVE!

I wish I could give you a great big hug in person! You are dear to me! I just wanted to tell you that, for whatever it's worth. I LOVE BEING SINGLE and I always say that up front. But, that doesn't mean that I don't love some people, and you are a very special one of those!

I have ALOT of THOSE DAYS myself. Life SURE IS MORE FUN with some lightheartedness and laughter, though; when others ALLOW US THE PRIVILEGE to EXPRESS OURSELVES THAT WAY. GEEZ! People often feel threatened when I'm actually acting HAPPY! My blog post for February will be ON THIS!

YOU ARE JUST MEAN! LOL! My mouth started watering the SECOND I SAW THIS picture! You are SO CRUEL! LOL! I just ate some LEFTOVER tomato soup, and a CARROT, and YOU SEND ME THIS gorgeous spread. I swear, you are TRYING TO SEDUCE ME! LOL! LOVE YOU, DEAR! Working on blog.

I'm SMILING SO BIG NOW! THANK YOU, dear [man], for this wonderful Valentine's Day date we've had through our tweets and our shared humor. I would have changed out of my baggy t-shirt and jeans if I'd known! What a nice surprise this was. I gotta go. Blog post to finish writing now

                        and some Tweets replying to me on Valentine's Day

                 (as we all know, most people aren't nearly as wordy as me)

For you

Awwww you're so welcome

Will do Deborah and if you contact me believe me I will always respond as long as I am here

You’re just teasing me now!

Be still my heart ❤️

At my advanced age it brings a smile to my face that I can still do that. 😄 

Now you got me laughing 😂

ya I’m the same guy too …. Except for the thinning grey hair, expanded waist line, arthritic hands, high blood pressure and there’s parts of me that wouldn’t work if they were soaked overnight in WD-40….other than that, my baby blue eyes are still blue.

The persona, that I put forth, on Twitter, which these posts, above, are from, was much more of my 'Stevie' self, from my dancer days. So, I HAD A REAL BLAST as  I flexed that part of me, again, for awhile. I tend to only let that side of me show now with people that, I really feel 'safe' with, or accepted or befriended by. I shut down alot more around people who I know are, gossiping about me, are trying to undermine, or discredit, or backstab, me, or are fake with me. PLAYER HATERS. I still have, the personality traits, that I taught myself, back in junior high, too, but  I have grown alot tireder of other peoples' crap as the years have gone by and so many peoples' bad behaviors have taken such a huge toll, on me, and, on my life. I'm at the point now of feeling like I am on BULLSHIT OVERLOAD, from all of this. There's not alot of people living by The Golden Rule anymore. Not even me, all of the time. The  Bible  says, "because of the increase of evildoing, the love of many will grow cold."(Matthew 24:12 New American Bible) I've really seen this happen, over the course of my lifetime. Around me, and in me. Not, in everyone, all of the time, or, always, in me. There are still moments where I see or experience caring, and compassion, love, and redemption, that lift my spirit and my hopes out of the mire, of dejection, and despair, and inspire me, to embrace life, and others, again.

I want to engage and enjoy life, fully! I want to be free to be 'me'. I don't want to have to 'keep my light under a bushel basket', hidden from the world because my shining self makes other women insecure, and men attracted to me, in ways that, can become extremely problematic, for me to navigate, and still feel relaxed, and safe, staying, in the relationship, with them, as my friend, or my neighbor. I am a freedom loving, outgoing, spontaneous, fun-loving, upbeat, person normally, with a sense of humor, that I enjoy using, at every possible moment. Instead of, being this, truest, me, though, I often feel like I have to be deadly serious and subdued in situations, to try to avoid drawing the resentment, rejection, and retaliation, of other women, who seem to take my allowing myself to shine as my best self as a threat to them personally, or the men acting attracted to me, even when they are married men, causing me to shut down, my self expression, from feeling, it is my responsibility to NOT SHINE, or BE HAPPY, because their seeing me like that turns them on sexually, sometimes. >sigh< IT IS SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING! I want to SHINE, as who I am, because I am living my ONLY life, and I WANT to ENJOY it! I don't want guys drawing my attention to their adulterous thought, though-- a real downer, for me, that I don't want, or need, in my life. I have been single for OVER THREE DECADES NOW! I have had 5 marriages to 4 men and turned down quite a few other offers to be married. I DON'T LIKE MARRIAGE. There are alot of things I don't like about MEN (although, I am not gay). If I WANTED a man I could HAVE a man-- even at my age, now, but I DON'T WANT ONE! I even, TELL THEM THAT, UP FRONT-- and I am a very direct and honest person! Even so, women literally try to stand between me and their husbands if I am approaching them, as if I want their man, when, there is, NOTHING ABOUT HIM, that I would EVER even WANT. GEEZ!

I am being, my happiest self, when I am, smiling, giggling, being funny, even silly, having fun. But, whenever I DO THAT, men accuse me of "flirting" with them, and women act really dubious of, hostile toward, and resentful of, me. When I am 'me' around other women-- doing, the very same behaviors, as I did around the men-- the women will ask me if I'm drunk, to be acting so relaxed and express myself so freely and happily, which is truly insulting (especially since, I don't drink anymore, and haven't for a long time now). If they aren't asking me, if my behavior is from, some 'substance abuse', then they accuse me of trying to take their man, and get in little gossipy groups and talk about me, in a bad way. Apparently, a woman like me, being fully herself, and being happy, with her life, makes, alot of women, feel extremely threatened, and unhappy, so I end up avoiding them. The men and the women, since I can't JUST BE 'ME', without getting all these CRAPPY reactions, to that, and I get tired of defending, or explaining, myself, to the men (No, I am not trying to BE WITH YOU!) and the women (No, I do not want to take your man!). I end up just shutting down (which is not fun for me, since I ENJOY BEING ME) and staying to myself, away from, the insecurity, and the resentment, the accusations, and the attractions. GEEZ! Why, can't I JUST BE ME? THEY, are being THEMselves!

I have even tried to preemptively discuss this with people, before it ever happens, in order to explain where I am coming from and to reassure them that, I am NOT, trying to take their man, if they are a woman, or have an intimate encounter with them, if they are a man. Plus, there's a pandemic going on, that I'm truly terrified of! I haven't even gotten close enough, to any human being, to even be HUGGED, for OVER TWO YEARS, now! I DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES! I recently backed away from a friendship with a married man when he started saying I'm flirting with him. The thing is, he doesn't see me around others, when I'm being myself, in the very same way, as I was, with him, whether, they are, men, women, children, or PETS; when I am not shut down, which would 'dull my light', socially speaking. I am THE VERY SAME WAY with others, I interact with, even online on social media sites, as I documented, above, by copy and pasting, some, of my tweets, and some of, the responses, I got from people to those. I shut down, and pulled back from it, when he said that, because if that is his perception and his focus, when we interact that way, with one another, then, I can't, comfortably, continue, to kid, back and forth, with him, anymore, like we both used to enjoy doing. I wouldn't feel right about it knowing that, he, thought of it that way. As, something wrong, or that was meant as something more, than it really was. Whenever I feel unsure and self-conscious, with people, I shut down, and freeze up, around them. All I feel is, uncomfortable! In the midst of, ALL this STRESS, with the pandemic, being more contagious, than ever, and the issues with my house being, largely, still unresolved, after 6 months, here, his friendship, with me, was the bright spot, because, he was able to get me to smile even with tears in my eyes, or in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack, when I was struggling to even be able to breathe. He was comforting. Reassuring. When so MUCH of what is going on in my life, and situation, is anything BUT that. I felt it was a supportive friendship, from someone with a really good heart. Until, he made me so self-conscious, by using the "f"-word (flirting) to describe my way of expressing my buoyant personality as I forced myself to focus on the happiness I feel, in being here, despite the obstacles that I have to overcome that came with it. Hard things, which I hadn't expected, to have to deal with, when I moved here.

So, the ONE person that I had really felt WAS a REAL FRIEND, to me, I don't have that feeling with, anymore. All I can think of, when I interact with him, now, which I try to limit doing, as much as possible, is how anxious I feel, about not doing, or saying, anything, anymore, that will have too much weight given to it, by him, if I should, smile, or laugh, or do, anything, at all, "joyful", around him, now. The sad thing is, he, actually, really had it right, about me, when he described me as being a joyful person. I REALLY AM, when people aren't causing me to shut down, who I am, so I don't make them feel threatened, by that, in me, in some way, shape, or form; depending on, who they are, and what 'threat', they think, I am, to them. I regularly, raise my arms, up high, standing in my livingroom, and praise God, and love on Him, and sing songs to Him! I regularly kick off my slippers, and dance on my kitchen rug-- line dances, hip-hop, even some of my old, dancer, moves. I AM TRULY a "joyful" person, when I AM ALLOWED TO BE! So many people don't allow me to be, for their own, various, reasons. >sigh!< I FEEL like I am SUFFOCATING, sometimes, just because I feel like I have spent MOST OF MY LIFE, stuffing myself down, to minimize, who I am, negate, who I am, force myself, TO BE, LESS THAN, who I AM, just so, OTHER PEOPLE, won't have, a PROBLEM, with, MY JUST BEING WHO I AM, and BEING HAPPY-- because God GAVE ME LIFE on this Earth, to LIVE! Fully! Joyfully! Being, ALL that, I CAN be! EXPRESSING, all that I AM! Having FUN!

                                           

I HATE that it seems like I HAVE to be MISERABLE to keep OTHER people happy! I have GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, that was, horrible, and heartbreaking, in my life. It has been a VERY DIFFICULT road, for me to walk, in this world. Now is my LAST CHANCE, to really ENJOY my life. I am, a senior citizen, now. It's NOW OR NEVER, for me. Yet, here I am, hiding myself away, from, other people, again, like I have, for MOST OF MY LIFE, so that, MY being HAPPY, won't disturb THEM, in some way. It is SO SAD! It is SO WRONG. I FEEL like, I have NO choice. I feel, an underlying anger, too, though, at NOT BEING ALLOWED to just BE WHO I AM in my life, now! God created me to be ME, and I feel like I have rarely been able, to BE, who I am. Sure, I can choose to be myself, in spite of, others' objections, but so often, I end up being made to pay a price for it. The 'punishment', often doesn't fit the 'crime'. It's also still extremely hard for me to accept the fact that, as a grown adult, I am free now to choose to express myself, genuinely, and authentically, after I was not allowed, to do that, at all, when I was growing up. That became an, indoctrinated, objection, in my soul, that is very difficult to overcome; even after all these years.

I already know, that, if I ever DO, give myself, permission, to be all that I can be, anyway, in spite of all the apparent opposition, to that, I will feel MORE, negative, reactions, from people. I want to wear my, nicer, clothes! I have not worn ANY, of them, since I came here, because when I moved here and brought it up to one of the women that is part of the little clique that gossips about me, she said that NO ONE HERE EVER DRESSES UP, because, it DOESN'T SUIT LIVING HERE. I want to get my hair styled. I haven't done these things yet because of the pandemic, and now, the, financial, strain, because of, the problems, with my new house, holding me back, from it. I want to rent a car, and go to the beach! It's been pushed way down on my To Do List, because I have to get the house repaired before anything else, now, though; which the pandemic is still holding up my making progress on, as well as, my lack of funds, that I will need for this, unanticipated, problem. The ONE person here, that I came to believe was a REAL FRIEND to me, isn't now. All because of, my 'flirtiness', being, problematic, for him, despite, him, doing things toward me that I would say ALSO FIT THAT CATEGORY, only I considered it to be that we were sharing our MUTUAL SENSE OF HUMOR, for the most part, that had brightened each other's day, in the midst of stress. After all, NEITHER of us, ever actually PROPOSITIONED the other. It wasn't like that with us. We JUST KIDDED, with one another. Or so I had THOUGHT, we were doing. The friendship is not the same, now. I emotionally distanced myself from him, after he started harping on the 'flirting' thing, making me self-conscious, about it, and unsure about, all of it.  After that, I deliberately told him off, for things, he does, that have, annoyed me,  to put up a wall, between us, so it won't even be possible, to have that, problem, now. Because he is my friend, in my heart, though, I really care about him. So, I really hurt, when his response, showed me that he was hurt, by my doing that to him. But I made myself let it stand, so it would burn that bridge between us now.  I feel sad, about it. He felt like, my ONLY REAL FRIEND, here, so far! I will, make other friends, eventually, though, and he won't feel conflicted, now, from kidding with me. I have talked to him, once, since then, and I could tell it isn't the same.

                                                       

I don't think the 'flirting' thing would have been such an issue, as he made it out to be, if he had known, that, I am that way, with all kinds of people and animals, when I am JUST BEING HAPPY IN MY LIFE. My Twitter tweets show that. I have a young, male, neighbor, who is only 25 years old, that I like, very much. When he moved in, next door, to me, he wasn't married, yet, and when I would see him, I would talk with him, and laugh, and kid around, and be very lively and animated.  I made him smile, and laugh, every time we visited, and those interactions made me happy, too! I looked forward to seeing him, and talking with him. We enjoyed it, but I don't think he EVER took it as me FLIRTING with him, although, by some peoples', strict, definition of it, I probably would be. I am 66 years old, now! It is SILLY, to EVER think that I would REALLY 'FLIRT', in ANY SERIOUS WAY, that was MORE THAN just being, this harmless, and fun, upbeat, interaction, between us. I could be this young man's GRANDMOTHER! Still, I laughed, and kidded, with him, much more so, than I, ever, did, with the man, who was, my friend, that, made a big deal, out of, my 'flirting', to me; causing me to avoid interacting with him now unless it is necessary, and unavoidable. When I moved here, I was ALSO this way with the WOMEN, until, they acted, SO HOSTILE, TOWARD ME, for doing it, that I stopped. I was in my mood to be fun-loving and silly as I talked to a woman here who lives at the end of my street. After all, I had just moved, into my new house, and despite the problems, that presented me, I was trying my best (while, crying, alot, about it, on the side) to BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. As she and I talked outside, for a bit, I was making jokes and being upbeat. I laughed, as I said to her, "My sense of humor is showing!", while striking a silly pose, as if it were, my slip, showing. I was just, feeling free, to be me. She, looked me up and down, when I struck that, animated, pose, with NO SMILE, on HER FACE, as if she thought I was from Mars!

Not long after, a small clique developed here that made me their main target. She was in that group. She acts otherwise, when the property manager is around, but she definitely has been a main instigator in the gossip about, and criticism of, me. That gossipy group talks crap about me, with things like, "Who does she think she is? Why does she act like that? I don't like her. I don't trust her." I know it goes on and I just let them be. All the while, as these, precious, latter, days, of my life ebb away-- days that I cannot get back, to try to live more happily-- I want to DANCE, through my life, and be SILLY, if I want to, and LAUGH, deeply, and wear, some of my pretty clothes, including skirts, and dresses, without, having to, SHUT MYSELF DOWN because somebody SAW me dancing (out of sheer joy of living my life) and says I am doing that because I am flirting, or I am after their husband, or being a troublemaker, or a problem. WHY is my JUST BEING WHO I AM such a THREAT, to people? Honestly, it seems like, so many, people-- especially, women-- are just so miserable with their own lives, underneath, that they are a 'Misery loves company' group! I have lived through MORE THAN ENOUGH MISERY, in my life, and I WANT TO BE HAPPY, NOW! I want to be, ALLOWED, to be happy now! Apparently, I need peoples' PERMISSION, and ALSO, apparently, they mostly, DO NOT GIVE ME THAT permission. I would FEEL SO MUCH HAPPIER and be SO MUCH MORE RELAXED, in my life, if people would JUST LET ME BE (ME!)! It reminds me of the Bobby Brown song, 'My Prerogative'. Below, is the link, to the video, of the song, and the lyrics.

All those years ago, in junior high, my vivacious and enthusiastic personality, that I had cultivated so that I could finally find affirmation, appreciation, and affection, while, I was at school, at least, gave me a way, to find happiness, apart from, my miserable, dysfunctional, home life. When, it was, commented on, complimented, by the student teacher, during gym class, with him, assuring me, that, because of it, I would always have alot of friends, neither he nor I realized, how mistaken, he was. Clearly we both had alot to learn about that. Carolyn, AKA 'Big Red', was the one that showed me what it was actually going to be like, for me, when she heard him say that, and slapped me, to 'put me in my place', because of it, on that very day. It seems like, my WHOLE LIFE, people have, resented me, punished me, and ostracized me, in various ways, because my being "joyful" has been, problematic, for people, for various reasons. Women think, I'm competing, when I'm NOT. Men think, I want them, when I DON'T. Honestly, I MEANT NO HARM, to anyone! I just want, the chance, to be (ALLOWED, to be) HAPPY! Lighthearted. Silly. Giggly. Fun-Loving. WHY, is THAT such a THREAT, to people? I, REALLY, don't understand that.

What I DO understand, is that, my LIFE is NOW! I have to LIVE it, or WASTE it by 'dimming my light', and trying NOT to SHINE, so that, the brightness of my being, won't cause me to incur peoples' disapproval. I DON'T LIVE FOR THEM! I LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME! They already turned on me, anyway, each in their own way, and for their own reasons. There IS going to come a day, God Willing, when I will, finally, be able, to get my hair done (because, it NEEDS it; not to, IMPRESS, anyone, but ME), and I will wear my cute clothes here, because this is where I live, and this is where I am, and my clothes are all just hanging here, filling 2 racks and a closet, waiting to get some use. I paid for them, and I have every right to ENJOY them. I can't spend the rest of my life in baggy clothes and old sweatsuits, just because a woman, here, that isn't nice to me, anyway, and doesn't seem to like me, already told me that, NO ONE ELSE HERE EVER DRESSES UP, so I shouldn't either. I want to FOR ME! But, God forbid, HER husband looks twice at me when I do, some day, because I WILL BE BLAMED for 'flirting' with him, and trying to steal him from her when NEITHER of those things would be TRUE. My being at my best is for myself!

I have downplayed myself terribly, since moving here, and being the object of the gossip clique, and such, but I can't win, with people, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, so I shouldn't continue to allow them to intimidate me or control what I am allowed to be. Apparently, my, effervescent, personality, WON'T assure me, that I will always have alot of friends. But, the way I see it, I'd rather have a few, real, friends, that ACCEPT ME for WHO I AM, than a whole lot of them, that just want to slap me, for seeming like a threat, to them, anyway. I really miss, the friendship, with the one guy here, that I thought was a real friendship. But, it's probably better that it was ruined, if he even thought for one minute that I meant it to be anything else. Now I find myself, wondering, if the 25-year-old, that lives next to me, ever, thought, I 'wanted' him, because I 'flirted' alot more openly with him than anyone else here; so far. I definitely don't! Sometimes, for me, the easiest ones to be flirty with, are the ones that I would especially not want. What they KEEP calling, "flirting", I see as me just ENJOYING LIFE, and BEING, FUN-LOVING. I resent them, relabeling it, into something problematic, when it is something superficial and harmless; to me. When, I'm THIS VERY SAME WAY, with women, that I interact with (that, I like, as people; not, the bitches, that give me a hard time), I wonder, now, if THEY think I am acting like that because I am 'flirting', with THEM; which would make me gay? I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, GAY! NONE of my wildest fantasies are EVER about WOMEN. One, of my sexual fantasies-- since, those, don't have to be, anything realistic, since, it will never, actually, be acted on, in real life, involves, a dog, though; and another one of my fantasies is about an alien from outer space; so, if you want to make something out of, 'who', I 'flirt' with, if only in my wildest fantasies, then chew on THOSE TWO THINGS about me. THAT ought to KEEP YOU BUSY, talking about me, for awhile. In the meantime, I will go 'flirt', with MYSELF! I ENJOY, MY SENSE OF HUMOR, and ability to be, light-hearted, in the midst of all this STRESS! (I once, told my husband, about the dog fantasy, so he used to walk around behind me when he was horny, barking at me. I was NOT amused by that. Although, it, really, was, kind of funny!) Anyway, not only, did I NOT, end up with, ALOT, of friends, there aren't ALOT of people, anymore, that I, REALLY want to BE FRIENDS WITH! I always kind of smile, to myself, when there are people rejecting me who seem to assume that it matters to me; as if I haven't, also rejected them.

"I try to live in a little bit of my own joy and not let people steal it or take it." - Hoda Kotb

Here's one last Tweet, that I just saw, on Twitter, as I was checking on, whether a friend (that I 'FLIRT' with, ALOT, on Twitter!) got his birthday Tweet from me, yet:

Jacklena Bentley @JacklenaB 

Delete people from your life that take your joy away from you.

That Tweet seems to go with this blog post, of mine, very nicely! So, I included it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cDLZqe735k

THIS COULD, ALSO, BE MY, THEME SONG, FOR MY LIFE-- and, JUST BEING 'ME'!

Here are the lyrics:

Get busy
Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Now now)
Why don't they just let me live (Oh oh oh)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (Oh)
That's my prerogative

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Gettin' girls is how I live
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal
About a brother
Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I win this fight
Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (Oh)
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)
Cause what I'm doin'
I'm doin' for you now

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not zooped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships
Really gets me down
I see nothin' wrong
With spreadin' myself around
Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (yeah)
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission (I don't need)
Make my own decisions (My own decisions)
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)
Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)
I'm doin' it just for you (It's my prerogative)
Tell me, tell me

Why can't I live my life (Live my life)
Without all of the things that people say (Oh Oh)

Yo tell it, kick it like this
Oh no no

I can do what I wanna do
Me and you
Together, together, together, together, together

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')
Why don't they just let me live (Why)
(Why don't they just let me live girl)
I don't need permission (I don't need permission)
Make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')
Why don't they just let me live
I don't need permission (I don't need)
Make my own decisions (My own decisions)
That's my prerogative

What is this a bizzit that I can't have money in my pocket
And people not talk about me
This world is a trip, I don't know what's going on these days
Got this person over here talking about me, this person
Hey, listen, lemme tell you something
This is my prerogative, I can do what I want to do

I made this money, you didn't
Right Ted?
We outta here

It's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my
my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my

It's my prerogativeWriter/s: BOBBY BROWN, GENE GRIFFIN, TEDDY RILEY
Publisher: BMG Rights Management, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind 

People Are Stressful For Me To Deal With!

[NOTE: The reason I decided to name this blog Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul was because I knew it was going to be about the hard and hurtful things in my life that I was grappling with, and getting counseling because of, in order to process these things better and heal my broken heart so that I could live happier. These things, that I talk about here, so honestly and openly, are the things that I am held back by because they have deeply affected me. Some scarred me for life, leaving me to have no choice but to deal, head-on, with their lasting legacy in my life. These are the things that have let me down, failed me, hurt me, violated me, angered, saddened, and sometimes, even, broke, me, and nearly, my will to live.  I am not often mentioning the sweetness and light that is also a part of my life. I don't need to wrestle the things that make me happy, as a general rule (although there are actually some exceptions, to that, for certain reasons). I just wanted to take a moment, here, now, to let you know, in case you didn't know, or had been wondering, that despite all that I have been through in my life, perhaps even due to it, I am an extremely grateful person who sees that, my life is filled with much beauty and many blessings. Whether I'm savoring the taste of a juicy pear, or I'm enjoying the clean, fresh, feel of stepping out of a hot shower, or thanking God, I am still in very good health overall for someone who will turn 66 next month, I'm truly grateful, both for what I have in my life and for what isn't in my life in some ways. You can get, a skewed view, of how, I see, my life, as a whole, if you fail to remember that this blog is where I, mostly, spill my guts about my sorrows, sins, and struggles. I want you to know-- because, I do-- that I am a blessed woman.]

Just for the record, in case someone takes what I am saying here in my blog as a slam against Southerners, I happen to have been born and raised in the Carolinas but I've also lived various places all around the U.S. and moved back to the South after living most of my adult life in Omaha, Nebraska. I was raised in a very small 'Mayberry'-like (https://project543.visitnc.com/mayberry/) town, 'til I was a teen, and we moved to a, somewhat, larger city. So, I was raised with Southern speech, food, and behaviors. Every place, has good and bad to it, but what I describe here is based on, the behavior of the individuals, who are not unique to the South, with how they choose to act. That being said, there is a quaint, and undeniable, charm to Southerners, that has really touched my heart, since I have returned, and have been living around that again. There are some notable positive differences, in how Southerners behave. I appreciate all that is good, about my return to the South. I don't show 'blind loyalty' to anyone, or anything, if it, bumps up against the truth, though. The truth, is the truth, and, it matters, to me, to speak it, when it's about others who are affecting my life; and confess it, when it's about me. Regardless of who it is, what it is, or where it is, I describe, situations, and people, as accurately as possible. Including myself. As you read this post, you'll see that, I don't always behave 'sweetly'. If you've read, other posts, about my life, in this blog, I am sure that you, already, know, I am not exactly, a 'shrinking violet', in what I say, or do!

Honestly, there is a real reason, that many of the specific stereotypes got started, about Southerners, even though it can make Southerners feel frustrated, and also angry, seeing their specific culture, and citizenry, portrayed in such a way. As one, of them, myself, I think it is important that, we, all, realize that, Southern, charm, shines through, as much, as anything else, in these portrayals. This is also not the only subculture in America that is strongly stereotyped. I admit I was a bit thrown by being referred to as 'Ma'am' and 'Miss Deborah', when I moved back, but I find it refreshingly respectful, too. Frankly, it makes me smile; and I'm all for anything that does that. Especially, in these times. Thinking back to 40 years ago, my own, unselfconscious, expression, of my, Southern, heritage, is, exactly, what, stole the heart of the one man that I will love forever. My winning his heart was, sadly, only temporary, as it turned out, but I, still, remember, that young Air Force lieutenant from Elmira, New York literally crowing with delight when I called him by his name and the 3-letter "Jim" became the 2-syllable "Jee-yum", as it came out of my very Southern mouth. His, 'New Yorker' ways, equally charmed and fascinated me, too! I would describe the behavior, of those, written about, in this post, the very same way, as I document it, here, regardless of where they are, or are from. People are relocating here, from all over the country, as well, so my neighbors are not simply limited to being Southerners. I just write about my life, and whomever is a part of it, in, whatever, way, I see it; striving, to be, accurate, and honest. It is what it is.

People are, often, either, stressors, of me, or stuck on stupid, which, stresses me. 

I am feeling exasperated, because of my having to deal with so many people that stress me out! Some, are just stressful, for me, to deal with. Others, just seem to be stuck on stupid*, which is, especially, stressful, for me to deal with, since they are also so clueless as to why they get the reactions that they get, from me. I am almost always glad that people can't read my mind as I am interacting with them. However, there are also times that, I wish they could see themselves, through my eyes, so that, my reactions, to, their behaviors, which, they don't seem to like, or understand, would at least make sense, to them (one, can only hope!). The sheer subjectivity of human beings is a problem within our species. People do what they want to do, because of how it makes them feel-- about themselves. This behavior often occurs, without, much real thought, about the wisdom of this, or the impact it will have on others, affected by their actions. I'm as guilty of that as anyone, at times, but I believe that overall I tend to at least act in my own best interest, and some people don't even do that. It's a matter of self-preservation! In spite of that, so many people simply don't seem willing, or able, to think things through, before they decide to do them. When their doing that impacts my own life, adding, to my stress level, and therefore, my blood pressure reading, I, really, resent it! It is, an infringement, and, an impingement, on, my, peace of mind, which, especially, as I have aged, is of great importance, to me. This post contains some examples, of it.

I don't do well with winter. Even though, I moved back to the South, last summer, I still feel down, on gray, cloudy days; even depressed, if they go on long enough, and I'm deprived of the sight of a bright, blue, sky, with heating degrees from the sun, to warm both my soul and my body. I seem to have SAD** to some extent. I am much more outgoing and upbeat during warmer weather. I feel closed in when it is cold outside, and I am staying inside, to avoid that, as much as possible; and the ongoing pandemic only amplifies that feeling in me, since it has caused me to stay self-quarantined, for what is becoming an extremely extended period of time. Add the flu season to that, which we are now also in, and I am a veritable hermit.

The last couple of days have even added another layer of frustration and stress to my life. A winter storm is upon us, that poses risks to my new home that I bought just 5 months ago. I have lived in apartments virtually my entire adult life, except for briefly living in houses during my last two marriages. This move has created a real learning curve, for me, for many reasons, as I struggle to deal with the extra responsibilities, and liabilities, of home ownership, at 65 years of age, for the first time in my life. Although, I know, that the Lord directed me to come here, and He gave me this house as a blessing, I have cried alot of tears these last months due to feeling overwhelmed by this move. I am having to grow into the role of being a homeowner, and I hope that I can also, relax, into it too, when I finally have more of this figured out, and feel like I can handle it better than I have been, in several cases. A new home, a new town, new neighbors, and a, potentially deadly, Covid-19 virus that keeps reinventing itself and becoming more and more contagious, at this point, is alot for me to take on, all at once. The situation with my sister didn't help me, transition, smoothly, either.  [Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: 'Bossy Bitch' is NOT a LOVE LANGUAGE.]  I was burned out, by all the sustained, and acute, stress, from, my landlord issues, back in Omaha, Nebraska, before, I ever even moved, here.  [Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: It's Said, When Life Gives You Lemons . . .]  I was, physically, mentally, and emotionally pushed past my limit of what I felt I could either cope with or endure by the time the rental truck was loaded up, with all my belongings in it, for me to drive halfway across the country, to arrive at this, new, and uncertain, adventure. 

My apprehensions were all heightened, by this move taking place in the middle of a, worldwide, pandemic, where, no place, is safe, and people, here, almost never wear face masks to protect themselves, or others. It has been very unsettling for me, as I try to integrate into this community, while staying safe, from the risk all these people pose to me individually. I continue to try my best to self-quarantine as much as I can even though I have had both Pfizer vaccinations. I cannot get a booster shot until spring, based on the, current, guidelines. Several neighbors on the small street that I have moved to have had Covid-- just since I've lived here! Another neighbor that lives here but on another street, just came home from the hospital, after being, in the ICU, then, at a rehab facility, with their bout of Covid. Yet, the people here are, largely, unvaccinated, by their own choice. They also do not wear masks, socially distance, or take any of the, recommended, precautions against exposure, and transmission, as a general rule. They're more careful when they are around me though, for the most part, because I've made it very clear to anyone coming near me that, I am doing all I can to avoid catching Covid. I want to live through this pandemic, with, my, health, as intact as possible. It is frankly annoying when my 25-year-old, next-door neighbor, a young man, who works on an ambulance transporting patients and who's had Covid while he has been living next-door to me (and who didn't use a mask even while he had it, unless I asked him to) tells me, after he recovered, that I, just worry too much. I have 40 years on him, and I have respiratory, and heart, vulnerabilities, that all place me in the high-risk category for serious illness or death if I should catch Covid. No one else has the right to put my health at risk or tell me to take protecting my health less seriously! I only have one life, and I am the one, living, my life. Not any of them. All, of this, background, information, about, where I am coming from, in both my attitudes and actions, will come to bear when I describe the incident with another neighbor, which just happened, that raised my blood pressure, and pissed me off.

The local-- and national-- news, reported for, at least, the last full week, that this area of the country, was about to get a, significant, winter storm. Something that the people, in this part, of the country, are not used to seeing, or dealing with. It was covered from every conceivable angle, for several days. When it was coming, what was coming, what to do, and, not to do, before, during, and after, it arrived.  I moved here from Omaha where winter storms are a normal, and expected, part of living there, so I am already well-versed in the survival skills and conventional wisdom on how to hunker down and get through it, as well as possible. The news reports got more specific, and detailed, as the storm approached, so no one here had any real excuse for not knowing what to do once this thing hit. The residents were told, to get groceries ahead of the storm, not to use, generators, indoors, in a power outage, and anything, and everything, else, they could, possibly, need to know, to prepare for this situation. The TV news anchors and weather forecasters told their viewers things like, "There is a massive winter storm on the way, with 5 states declaring states of emergency (one of which is ours, according to the map, that accompanied this report)", and "Duke Energy estimating 750,000 customers could lose power at some point due to the winter storm". The TV screen began to have the banner crawling across it, with all the current information, closures, and such, as we entered the Winter Storm Warning. People told me when I came here that we would be lucky to even see snow here, at all, and if we did, it would likely be just a dusting that would vanish as quickly as it came. This, was not that! This was a bigger deal; but, the news media did an over-the-top job of educating folks about what to expect, and what to do. As the big storm began to arrive, they told people, "Unless it's an emergency, don't go out in it. Just stay home." Forecasters said that it wasn't just snow, coming, but sleet, and freezing rain, as well. The ice was making travel, especially, dangerous, they warned, as they added full-length, emergency newscasts to their programming to keep everyone very well-informed.

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U.S. sets somber record as Covid deaths surpass 800,000, more than any other country

Of course, that wasn't all they reported on though. Along with this information we were also told that the, highly contagious, Omicron variant, of Covid, was causing the current cases to hit new record highs, and that, we should each do all that we can to help the burned-out medical workers and the overwhelmed hospitals by not getting ourselves in a situation where we would need to be seen for some medical condition, or weather-related injury. Although, most people in this area behave as if there is no pandemic going on, including those who have already had it, at least once, articles like this are being published and posted all over social media and on news outlet's websites: U.S. sets somber record as Covid deaths surpass 800,000, more than any other country (msn.com) The news reads like "Jan. 16 (UPI) -- The United States has surpassed 850,000 total COVID-19 deaths just one month after reporting 800,000 fatalities related to the virus according to current data released Sunday. Data, collected by Johns Hopkins University, shows that the United States has reported 850,247 COVID-19 deaths since the start of the pandemic along with 65,404,580 infections, with a seven-day average, of more than 800,000 new daily cases nationwide amid the presence of the Omicron variant." Some, of the people, who have had Covid, have gotten it, again, and those who are vaccinated, can still experience breakthrough cases of Covid. The current Omicron variant is especially contagious. This has been widely reported, for weeks, now, if not longer. I take all this very seriously, and have told people-- anyone, and everyone, that, I have had to deal with, since the pandemic first started-- that I take all possible precautions. My landlord, in Omaha, delivery drivers, neighbors, contractors that came to work on some issues with my new house, postal employees, the medical personnel who have given me my 2 Covid-19 vaccinations. I think that there must be something, about, how I look, or come across, to people, that, for some reason, causes them to not take me seriously, when I am being very serious. Sometimes, it just seems like people simply don't think that I mean what I say, which is, really annoying, to me. I don't talk just to hear myself make noise! I say what I mean, as clearly as I can, and I mean what I say! So, I just don't get the disconnect, between that and how people respond and behave toward me, that conveys my communication isn't regarded or remembered by them. This troubles me. Alot. I feel disrespected, too.

I know that I am an unusual person. The assumption, especially about females, is that, we want to be, loved, liked, cared about, more than anything, and will make great sacrifices, to have that, from people. That is not true, of me. I don't care so much about who loves or likes me or cares about me, especially if they expect me to suppress who I am, and what I feel, in order to have that, from them. If I can't BE 'me', then it wouldn't BE 'me' that they would be loving, liking or caring about, anyway! I read once that, insecurity asks, "Do they like me?" but confidence asks, "Do I like them?" I have that, latter, viewpoint. I do, want people, I love, like, and care about, in my life, but the bottom line, is that, I don't need people, enough to twist myself into a knot, and deny who I truly am, in order to get that from them. I would much rather be respected than loved, if I have to choose. My personal pet peeve is someone disrespecting me. That'll damage or end a relationship with me.

Whether it was my sister, Pam, pitching a pure hissy fit, when she visited my new home for the second (and final) visit, on 9-11, of last year, when I began to share with her in a calm, but direct, discussion, how she could behave more respectfully and supportive toward me versus her habit of criticizing and invalidating my views and feelings about things going on in my own life, that I shared with her (after I'd said to her, during her first visit, on August 20-21 of last year, due to her, hostility, and haughtiness, toward me, "DO NOT DISRESPECT ME! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT."), or a neighbor, whom I have repeatedly told, I have allergies and asthma, but they keep blowing their cigarette smoke in my face, I cannot fathom what causes them to continue treating me in the very same ways that I am protesting. To me that is extremely disrespectful. It's one thing if they've never been told by me, but when they have been told, and yet they continue to ignore or override my wishes about it, with that affecting, my life, my health, my safety, my peace, in some way, then I start to feel, really pissed off, about it. I live my life as a loner, for the most part, and the primary reason for this is that, I find human beings to be much more of a hassle and heartache than a source of help or happiness, for me. My experiences, with other people, over my lifetime, have left me burned out, and burdened, worn out, and wary, sad, and skeptical, angry, and apathetic. If I avoid, dealing directly with people, I don't have to deal (at least directly) with their BULLCRAP in my life.

My life experience has taught me that, they 'drain my tank', more than they fill it. I just can't afford to feel that depleted, anymore, by interacting with other people, now that I am almost 66 and my daily supply of stamina is not what it used to be. It, NEVER WAS WORTH IT, before. It is, ESPECIALLY, NOT WORTH IT, to me, NOW. I honestly try, to be as caring and conversant as I can, when I am forced to speak to others, but they usually take that for granted as their due, and don't realize it's quite a huge sacrifice, often, of my own peace of mind, that I am making for their benefit, when I engage in interactions with them. They expect my graciousness in every encounter, irrespective of, my previously expressed preferences. What I tell them I need, is not taken into account, if it isn't in line with what they want to do. This is especially distressing to me when I can SEE that, they are REALLY TRYING, in their own way, to be nice, to me, by whatever they are saying or doing, when it is, actually, showing me, complete disregard, and disrespect, if it goes against the boundaries that I expressed, to them, that I need in place-- particularly for health and safety reasons. That is when their 'niceties' lose alot of, or all, points with me. I hate, being blamed, for being an 'ingrate', when, for whatever reasons, I have to restate and reassert my needs and boundaries, with them, again, while they glare at me as if I'm the wicked witch of the west and say indignantly, "I was just trying to be NICE!" That may very well be, but there is a saying that is also applicable to such interactions, between people: The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Friday, I contacted the property manager, by email, asking, if he could tell me, or show me, where, my main water shutoff valve is, to my new house, in case pipes should burst, during the approaching winter storm (which began Saturday night); along with some other concerns, that I had backlogged, because I put off dealing with people as much, and as long, as I can, anymore. He wanted to show me the neighbor's valve, when he came over, because my neighbor had frozen pipes, the day before, and the storm wasn't even here yet, making me feel anxious that his pipes could burst, and potentially, cause damage to my home, next-door. I didn't want to become responsible for touching this neighbor's fixtures, though, due to, possible, liability, issues if I should do something wrong involving his home; so, I refused, to involve myself, with that. The property manager-- a busy man!-- left, without, showing me the cutoff valve for MY house, though. So, I considered that interaction to be a waste of, both, of, our valuable time. After several phone calls back and forth, following that, with him asking me, to hold, while he was tied up, with other things he was taking care of, then not returning to the phone for such extended times that I finally had to hang up, he, unexpectedly, showed up again, scaring me, by suddenly banging on the window, at the side of my house, when I had no idea he was even back, or that it was him, doing that out there. I was left feeling a bit jumpy, by his doing that, although, at least he showed me the valve; telling me how to work it if an emergency did arise. I try to, proactively, prepare. 

When I moved here, I discovered that, there was mold growing in my newly-built house, which the warranty doesn't cover even though it's brand new. I have been slowly trying to address the fix for that, myself, after I pressed the point with the man who sold it to me, but the two things that were done to address it, by them, were to send someone to spray it with something (but it continued to spread due to its origin being along a recessed door which they didn't remove to access that) and send a company contractor of theirs who did remove the mold-damaged door and also sprayed (though it continued to grow into the drywall, at that point) and stuffed some insulation into the still-wet area where the problem originated which kept the moisture trapped that had created the conditions for mold forming in the first place. I asked him, that day, what he had done, there (below my house, in a crawlspace) and what he told me, to my face, turned out to be an outright lie. He even admitted that to me, when I confronted him, about it, later, after I hired my own contractor as a follow-up, who initially did a free inspection, for me, and they took video and photographs, documenting what they found. It was, disheartening, to not only have mold, in a brand-new house, that had already damaged it, but to have it spread, with 'band-aid' solutions, and lies, being offered as 'fixes', while, I was having allergic reactions, and asthma attacks (and finally, an anxiety attack), because, of this issue. It was enormously stressful for me. It was also clear to me that the problem was not seriously being addressed and alleviated; which is when I took matters into my own hands, as the homeowner, and began trying to pay to get it fixed, correctly, myself, while, navigating, the risks, of being around people, in my own home, during this Covid-19 epidemic. I have only lived here 5 months!

As I am writing this, I am only halfway through the needed repairs and mitigation measures that I have had to deal with due to the mold issue, that was created by water and moisture problems. I have spent $2,000.00 of my own money on it, so far, which took me down to a near-0 bank balance, at that point, since, I had just paid for a new house, and an expensive move to come live in it. While waiting for this current, extra-contagious, Omicron variant wave, of the coronavirus to end, I have been trying to recover some, financially, by saving some money. The budget will only be strained again, even more, when I am able to resume paying my own contractors to restore my home to as good a condition as possible, at some point. Between trying to budget for the unexpected 'emergency' expense from that, and decide when it's safe, to risk, having contractors come back into my home when I am doing all I can to stay away from people during this pandemic, I was, already, stressed before the weather reports started saying an unusually big storm for this area was headed our way, and warning us of the potential for power outages, and broken water pipes. The last thing I need is any more water-related issues to deal with, or having to hire contractors, to do, even more, repairs on my new house! I haven't gotten through the first round, of all that, yet! This explains some, not all, of the reasons that my blood pressure was rising higher and higher, as I asked for the property manager to show me the main water shutoff valve to my house (and I was nervous about my next-door neighbor's frozen pipe-issue he had just before the storm hit here). We were actually on a phone call discussing it, when this man suddenly banged sharply on the window outside, frightening me! He had not used the phone, in his other hand, which he was talking to me on at that very moment, to simply tell me that he was back, and standing outside of my house. I was glad, for his help, but, any extra stress, in my life, is just not something I need, now. It mattered to me, to proactively learn where the valve was, before the unusual-for-this-area storm arrived, because, it wouldn't help much, to wait, until after, a pipe broke, during the approaching extreme winter weather conditions, and then, have NO idea WHAT to DO; and possibly, be unable to reach anyone, at that point, who could come out, in the bad weather, and help me in that emergency situation. The newscasts were telling people to stay off the roads altogether when the storm hit.

There have been, and still are, other challenges, to my being a new homeowner. I have felt fairly stressed, fairly often, as I grow into this, new, role. It is a different lifestyle, for me, than I have ever experienced before. It has extra responsibilities, and liabilities (including, legal, ones); some of which, I am, still, unaware of, I am sure. I feel, especially, vulnerable since my savings 'cushion' was used for hiring a contractor to begin to address the structural problems with my house due to mold and moisture issues, that were here to greet me as an unwelcome 'Welcome Gift', when I arrived. This is, still, a MUCH BETTER LIFESTYLE for ME than what I had to deal with as an apartment tenant, renting from a jerk landlord. This house is, still, so pretty and enjoyable, in many ways, and the lifestyle is more of what I needed, to soothe my soul, in that, I am surrounded by nature, now, rather than concrete, and crowds, sirens and stressful city-living. But, suffice it to say that, at this point in my life, and my experiences with people overall, I prefer to be left alone for the most part. I have been, conditioned, by what people put me through, to see them as being treacherous creatures who are more than willing to victimize me in some way, and are far more likely to leave me disappointed, let down, or with an added problem that I didn't have, before their presence in my life, than to be a source of happiness, joy, safety, security, peace or blessings. My Life Lessons have hurt me.

In between the property manager's coming, and leaving, without showing me my water shutoff valve, and then coming back later, unexpectedly, to finally show me where it was, along with the long hold times I endured, on several phone calls, to try, to coordinate, his schedule with my needs, questions, and concerns, I started to get a headache-- the type that I have learned I get when my blood pressure is spiking upward.  Sure enough, as I put the cuff on my arm, to take a reading, my blood pressure was high. When, I get so stressed, that it goes up, like that, it can sometimes take days for me to get it down to safe levels again; especially, during cold weather. I was already feeling extremely anxious about the fact that this was going to be the first, severe, storm that my home was going to go through. I was also concerned by the weather forecasters warning that there was no way around the fact that it would, definitely, produce power outages (which happened but not here this time; thank God!). Before, I left Omaha, last summer, we had a several-days-long power outage, in the hot weather, which, spoiled hundreds of dollars of food, that I had just bought to have for the entire month. I had to throw ALL of it away and buy it again, which was a huge blow to my budget. Then, after I moved here, we had a power outage, that lasted only a few hours. But, when, an outage happens, you just don't know, at the time, HOW LONG it WILL LAST, making that, very, anxiety-provoking. I'd told the property manager that, I planned to stay up, through the night, on Saturday, to do all that I knew to do, to help keep my pipes from freezing, and/or bursting. So, I knew, that by Sunday, I would be very tired.

He also, didn't wear a mask, when he came to show me the valve, although, he is someone who has, normally, been extra considerate, about my wanting to socially distance, etc. So, when he was showing me, I asked him to keep a good distance, from me, because, Omicron, is, especially, contagious. I have masks, but they are telling us now that most of these masks that we are using aren't effective, against preventing Omicron, and I don't have the, recommended, N95, mask, or such, for that; only the, papery, surgical masks, and the cloth masks, to layer. I wear, both, at once, usually, whenever I have to be around people. Just ONE breath, could be the death of me, if someone I am close to is contagious, with Covid. That singular fact is the main driver of my determination to avoid other people at all costs; and even more, than I normally used to, prior to the pandemic. It is stressful to know that, one, careless, interaction, could be, the death of me! Or, if not death, cause me to be hospitalized, in some horrible fight, for my breath, and my life, that, if I survived, could leave me suffering symptoms of Long Covid, and struggling, on a, modest, fixed, monthly, income to pay off my part of a huge medical bill, since no insurance coverage pays for all of that. Healthcare in the U.S. is extremely costly! I have become, more, and more, of a 'better safe, than sorry' girl, as life goes on. If I let people get close to me, and I do not advocate for myself or protect myself, and they are not, taking Covid-19 seriously, as I am, then, I risk allowing them to harm my health, and possibly, cost me my life. Covid-19 is nothing to take lightly.

I was grateful for being shown the water shutoff valve, although, I ended up with elevated blood pressure, and a near-anxiety attack, before all the back-and-forth was done between me and the property manager; such as, him saying to me, he would do something to my new house if it was what I wanted even though it was the wrong thing for it, to which I said, 'How is that helpful, if you're teaching me, what is best for me as a new homeowner, but then you say, you will do whatever, when you know that I'm on a big learning curve, with all of this, and I often don't KNOW, what is BEST, for the house?' I didn't bother to detail alot of it, here. Even though, he sometimes is, not so good for my stress level, he is not someone that  I am referring to in this post, as seeming to be 'stuck on stupid'. (He's shown me care and concern, including when, I had a full-on anxiety attack, once; and made me smile and laugh in spite of my being really stressed at times, which helps me, alot!) I am saying, other, people, seem to be stuck on stupid, like, some people, I heard about, on the, local, newscasts, today, as it related to the storm; which did finally arrive here, late, Saturday night, and went on throughout much of Sunday. As sweet as she is, I am also referring to one of my neighbors here, too. She was well-intentioned. I am certain, of that! She is such a nice person. Probably, in her 70s now, at least. However, she 'officially' earned her way into my viewing her as being somewhat stuck on stupid, due to what seemed, to me, to be her complete thoughtlessness, and utter disregard, for either, my safety, or her own, with what she did, in the midst of the slick snow and sleet that was just dumped on us. The news reports said, we got 9.5" of assorted types of frozen precipitation, this time.

I had told the property manager that I would be staying up all night, on Saturday night, into Sunday, to help my house not to have pipes bursting in the cold winter storm. The high risk of a power outage greatly added to my stress level, because there would be no hot water and no heat in the house, to help warm the pipes, if that happened. It made for a long, and anxious, night, for me. I had not felt well, either, after my blood pressure went up because of the stress of trying to get the information I needed, to prepare myself, to protect my new home, on top of that. By the time Sunday came, and there was an end in sight, for the storm, mid-day,  I finally laid down to sleep. I wasn't asleep more than an hour or so when I woke, because, I thought, I heard a knocking, at my door. I got up, got dressed quickly, and looked out the front door, but I didn't see anyone. Just, the fairly deep snow, everywhere, through my tired eyes. I felt edgy, now, and, being awake made me aware again of my needing to try to keep the pipes warm, still, as the wind gusts were strong, at the time, adding to the wind chill, in the air, and the temperature never got above freezing, the entire day. So, with almost no sleep, I decided that  I would begin working on this blog post. I was concerned that, with the threat, of power outages, I wouldn't be able to get this post composed, on my computer, or even get it online, on time, if the power went out at any time during the storm or its aftermath. I was tired. I was stressed. I was worried. Trying to make the best of a bad situation, that was largely out of my control, I comforted myself that, at least, I would have a calm, quiet, day to myself, inside my house, because of the storm outside. All the newscasts were telling people, not to go out in it, unless, it was a true emergency. I had my shades shut to help keep the cold out, and I felt the luxury of pure privacy for a change as I sat down at my computer to work on this post. The houses here are extremely close together, so even when I'm inside my own home I often have no real privacy, if the shades are open and people are out and about. With only the hour or so of sleep in the last 24 hours, I had barely begun to work on this post, when I thought I heard a knock at my front door, as I had thought I heard earlier when I was asleep, and which, woke me up, after only about an hour and a half, leaving me feeling frustrated, and short-tempered, from fatigue. I hoped it was just the wind or the weather as I wearily got up to go look.

Going over to the door, I opened the shade, taking care not to open the door, and let the heat out, which was protecting my pipes. I have, already, had to deal with finding, and hiring, contractors for the, necessary, repair projects which I had not expected with a, brand-new, house, that I have only lived in for 5 months, so far. It is an extra expense that I had not foreseen, this soon into being a homeowner, and I wasn't financially prepared for that to happen so early on. Strained, by this, financially, it just makes sense, to me, to do all that I can, to avoid having, more, home projects, to have to budget for. I, also, want to stay well! Medical expenses can bankrupt people, because the cost of a simple band-aid can cost hundreds in  a hospital setting! It really is outrageous. Newscasts have been saying that Covid cases are rising right now; "skyrocketing", with doctors they interview saying it is 'a war zone' with ZERO ICU beds available, and their patients being treated in the hallways. I'm doing all that I can to never have to go through such a truly terrible experience-- physically, or financially! I have conscientiously let everyone, I come anywhere near, know, that I am, self-quarantining, social distancing, and all other protective and preventive measures that are recommended, to avoid catching the Covid-19 virus. No one's going to advocate for, and protect, my health, more than me. But, when I consistently let other people know that I take this pandemic very seriously, they really have no choice, but to comply, with the protective measures, or stay away from me, altogether. After all, I am staying away from all of them, in my own house, which protects them as much as it does me. There really isn't any, totally safe, middle ground, with that. As it was, about a week before Christmas a neighbor lady had knocked on my door, and although, I resented, the visit, due to my having already told her that I'm isolating all I can during this pandemic, it was the holidays, so I went beyond, what I felt comfortable, risking, to talk with her at my door, for a bit. She was the only person I was anywhere, physically, close to in that timeframe. I caught a cold, just after that, although, other than talking to her I had stayed closed in my own home, all alone, with no other people around me. I had to have caught that, viral, respiratory illness during my close exposure to her.

I was, sniffling, sneezing, and run down-- throughout the entire Christmas week-- due to catching cold. It really negatively impacted my holiday enjoyment, as I had to constantly address my symptoms, day and night, for about a week and a half. I was scared, too, because they were just reporting, then, that the Omicron variant of Covid could be mistaken for a cold, in some people, and I did not have a test to take; nor was I willing to venture out anywhere, with the news reporting Omicron was rampantly spreading everywhere and was by far the most easily caught strain of Covid, so far. Sure, she was 'just trying to be nice'; and feeling more, obligated, than friendly, when she showed up, at my door, while I was trying my very best to avoid all other people (which I had told this woman; more than once), I, also, was 'just trying to be nice'. I got sick, though, after that, and almost certainly because of that-- which I really resented. WE ARE IN A RAGING PANDEMIC! I DON'T NEED PEOPLE COMING TO MY HOME, WHERE I AM TRYING TO ISOLATE, TO CHAT WITH ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaggghh!!! She could surely see the fear, in my eyes! She told me how she had just had a mini stroke. She is an older woman who is therefore more vulnerable and at risk, for many illnesses and injuries, now. She had previously had a car accident, shortly after moving here (which was after I had moved here) because she wasn't paying proper attention and had also been following too closely apparently, so when a truck stopped suddenly in front of her, she had rear-ended them, and had to get her car towed. The tow truck driver was the one who dropped her off at her house, which is, just across from mine. She is exposed to strangers, in that way, when transmission of Covid is high everywhere right now, and even more so here than many places, because almost no one here wears masks and/or follows the protective protocols. She also constantly goes out in public, to go shopping, and such. She makes the choice to do these things, that could lead to, her catching Covid-- especially, as it is spreading, so fast, right now, with a record number of cases. The national news reported tonight that 99% of all counties, in the U.S., are reporting, increased, or record, numbers, of Covid cases.

I appreciate that this neighbor does wear a mask lately, when she decides to show up on my porch to 'visit', for no real reason. Clearly, that is on my behalf, because I never see her wearing one, around here, otherwise, even as she is talking to the other neighbors, on our street. At least, whenever, I see her. People can get Covid and not have symptoms. The news has frequently reported recently that someone comes to the hospital for a completely unrelated reason only to be surprised when they are also diagnosed with Covid-19, when tested. When she decides to pay me these visits-- that I would really rather she not do, in the first place-- even though there is a mask barrier, hers was loose, and kept falling below her nose, which she kept pulling back up, over and over and over again. I have papery surgical masks, and cloth masks, to layer over that, but N95 and other such medical-grade masks are now being recommended for use, instead, because Omicron's so contagious it is causing alot of breakthrough cases, even when people are fully vaccinated, and are wearing masks and such. I can't get my booster until Spring. I've had both of the Pfizer shots, last year, and that, is all; aside from, my, isolating, masking, etc. This neighbor woman, or anyone else around here, has every right to choose how much they do, or don't, take risks, with their health. But, she doesn't have a right to bring those risks, that she takes, with her health, to my door-- especially for no good reason-- and, by doing so, put my health, safety, and even my life, at risk of serious illness, or death, should she spread Covid, by engaging in risky behaviors!

On this snowy day, when I was stressed and sleepy, and wanted and needed to be left alone, I looked out the shade, thinking that, surely, in this weather, I wouldn't actually see someone standing there, intruding in my life at a moment when I felt least willing, or able, to deal with that, I saw the neighbor woman from across the street! Although, she's not been the only one, doing this, despite, my telling them all that I am trying to stay quarantined, I was not happy to see someone standing there, at all, regardless of who it was, or why. I felt bewildered, angry, concerned, stressed, because she had made this trek, across the slick, snowy, street, climbed my not-swept-or-shoveled steps, walked onto my, mostly snow-covered, porch, in her bathrobe, and she is, at least, in her 70s. My eyebrows, arched sharply, into a look of absolute incredulity, as I stared through the glass, at her. Was there, some EMERGENCY, I wondered, as I looked, at her, through the window, with my face in a frown, as I mentally calculated how much risk to my own health and safety, this woman posed for me, in this moment, that I so wished, she wasn't standing here, uninvited, and unwanted, at my door, in this storm. I had checked online, to see if there was a, legal, resident requirement, to shovel snow off of my front steps and porch leading to my door, and there was nothing listed, for this area; likely due to this type of weather occurring so seldom here. When I lived in Omaha, there were laws, that sidewalks, steps, and so forth, had to be cleared, of snow or ice, within a short span of time, after, the precipitation had finally stopped falling. Even so, a maintenance man, or even the landlord, at times, took care of doing that, when I lived in apartments, back in Nebraska. It was something that, I never had to deal with, myself, which, is why, I do not own a snow shovel, so far. No one, including, me, thought I would ever have any real need, for one, here in this southern state.

I was TIRED. I didn't WANT to HAVE TO DEAL WITH this 'visit' from this woman. I just stood there, not even bothering to grab my masks, by the door. I did nothing to indicate that I was going to open the door because I had no intention of it. Had I had my masks on they would have hidden, half of, my facial expression. I didn't try, to hide my annoyance, this time, though; with a mask or anything else. I just stood there while my soul silently screamed within me, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!?" Despite the fact that, I prefer my own company, to that of most, of the people, I have encountered and interacted with, in my life, I have not been a bad neighbor, nor have I been, uncaring, toward them, or particularly unfriendly, even though, out of eventual desperation, I have become much more direct with them, at times, such as, when they violate my boundaries, a few too many times for me to hold my tongue, or my temper, about it, at that point. To my mind, this woman was doing that now, even though, as we all know (LET'S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER!), she was 'just being nice'; in her own mind, at least. >sigh!< She was standing on my porch, in her bathrobe, holding a plastic container with some baked good in it. I don't want to LOSE MY LIFE, taking a COOKIE, BUN, or PIECE OF CAKE from the hand of someone that in no way lives by the very restrictive safety measures that I do during this pandemic. That may sound like I am just being dramatic, or even extreme, but I've never heard anyone sound less than surprised and often scared when they come down with Covid, in the midst of whatever way they had decided they were going to navigate the landscape of living in these times. NO ONE has a right to make those decisions FOR ME by PUTTING ME AT RISK-- especially, when it isn't necessary to do so; such as, to bring over some baked item in a container!

That isn't even all, there was, to it, though. I haven't even gotten to the part of it, where, I describe WHY, to me, I view this well-meaning woman as being, stuck on stupid, to a large extent. It is ALSO the reason that I didn't hide my ANGER at her in my facial expression. She has not lived here, more than a couple of months, so far. In that time-- this very short time, that I've known her-- her carelessness has caused a serious car accident, and, this same, carelessness, could well lead to her catching Covid. She continually lets her dog run loose outside, without a leash, to poop where she pleases (the dog, not the woman), which this woman doesn't pick up, and dispose of properly, then-- ALL in VIOLATION of COMMUNITY POLICY. She has allowed that to occur in MY yard as well ever since she first moved here. I did politely, but clearly, discuss it with her when I first saw that, but she simply chose to ignore what I said while doing as she pleased. I have to be mindful, every time I'm walking outside of my house, now, to avoid getting a shoe sole full of dogshit. After all, I would have to clean it up if it happened even though I am not at fault! Yet, I KNOW, that if I, openly criticized her, for doing this, I would be made out to be the villain in the situation because 'She is such a sweet old lady'. Even though, SHE is the one, VIOLATING the rules, which is negatively impacting me, and I am NOT, violating, the rules. This, kind of person, and situation, really, frustrates me!

That brings me to the reason that I felt, and looked, so angry, with her, when she chose dangerous weather conditions to decide to come over to my house, the day of the snowstorm we just had here. Normally I tend to stuff my emotions down in me, and not express alot of them-- especially toward people that are perpetrators of something that is upsetting to me, in some way. That is a, coping, tactic, that I learned, growing up in my dysfunctional family of origin; and it does not serve me well; at all. In my experience, avoiding direct discussion, and coddling people who are doing something that goes against my comfort level, values, or boundaries, in order to avoid confrontation, usually means, the relationship will still be damaged, by the stress, and resentment, I feel toward them, for whatever that is; and it will often, eventually, blow up, anyway, with me saying something, in anger, that they did not see coming, because, to them (since, I was 'stuffing' my feelings, and not, speaking them, out loud), whatever it was, that I just blew up at them about, had 'never bothered me, before' (even though, it did; it REALLY did). Although, it isn't healthy, for me, to keep my feelings, bottled up, inside, when something is, really bothering me, I have also learned that, even if I speak up about the situation in a conversational, rather than, confrontational, way, the recipient, often, still doesn't receive it well, regardless; and treat me as if I had no right to bring it up to them. What this means is that I can choose to either be mistreated, or blamed, by them.

Human relationships, feel like, a minefield, of mutual missteps. Even when I show them, great acceptance, respectfulness, caring and friendliness, often well beyond what I truly feel, toward them; just in trying to, treat others, as I would like to be treated-- which is the adage that we are told to live our lives by. But, the moment I ask even the smallest thing, of them, that, I need, their, respectfulness, for, they often, either completely disregard my request or expressed need, or they get mad at me for-- finally-- saying something directly to them about it, which made them, accountable, by the fact that, they have, now, been told by me directly, that I feel disrespected by their behavior. These, people, really, already, knew that, before, I said anything to them about it; and neither then, nor now, do they want to bother with, changing, their, attitude, or behavior, that's been, negatively affecting me. It isn't THEIR problem, they feel-- it's MY problem, because, I am the one, suffering, from, and disliking, their attitude or behavior. They are not experiencing being the victim, of, whatever, it is, as I am. It is SO FRUSTRATING to me, that I was taught to treat other people like I want to be treated, by them, but, when I do, they revel in that, enjoying being treated so well, but don't reciprocate it in kind, toward me. This isn't always the case, but, sadly, it is often the case, when I deal with people.

As a result of how difficult it is for me to deal with people, in my private life, I feel like, they are, little more than a liability, for me, and I try to avoid them, as much, as I can, to, in effect, cut my losses. Because of, my deep aversion to dealing with other human beings, generally speaking, you may be surprised, by the fact that, I received a great many-- a very notable amount!-- of Customer Service Excellence recognitions, during the years that I worked in retail sales, following my career as a dancer; when that was finally forced to come to an end. This principle that I am talking about here of just treating people the way that I would want to be treated worked extremely well in that career field and was the sole reason for the success I had in sales and service to the public. It has just never worked well, at all, in my personal relationships. Those that I have much more at stake in personally. Those that matter, the most, in my life. I don't know why, it works so well, with people I don't know, but not well with those that I am around, and interact with, regularly. Could it be because as customers reciprocation is not expected of them in return?  I'm shrugging my shoulders as I write this and ponder it. Perhaps it is like the old saying goes, 'Familiarity breeds contempt.' Humans, do seem to, take for granted, disrespect, even mistreat, or abuse, those that they are closest to, emotionally, or even, geographically, and/or care, the most, about, or are, socially, invested, in. I know, there are exceptions to this, but that has been my experience in life-- that, the relationships that should, by all rights, be the most, mutually, respectful ones, whether, it's been, family, a significant other, like a lover or spouse, or neighbors, have not been very reciprocal, responsive or respectful. I avoid relationships now, as much, as I can, while still trying to be, as pleasant, as possible, on the surface. For me, people have proved to be more trouble than they're worth. I see them as a problem more than as a blessing. I'm a product of my Life Lessons good or bad.

The neighbor woman, in her 70s, who told me that, she had suffered a stroke, as recently as last month, was seen as a source of stress, by me, this past weekend, on that day of the snowstorm here. It was alot for this area. She had moved here from the coast. I have no idea if she's ever lived around or been exposed to snow to know how to deal with it, wisely, and safely. I also know her to be careless. So, when she suddenly showed up, ON MY FRONT PORCH, in the middle of weather, I wasn't even going out in (and I came here from Nebraska, where, we are used to severe winter weather), apparently just to bring me some singular sweet (which I didn't want, and didn't take, from her, due to the possibility of the transfer of cold germs, from her, again, if not worse viral pathogens), I felt ANGRY, about it. I am self-isolating, to literally try to save my life, in this pandemic; bottom line. She is, continually, out and about in public, and interacting with others; often unmasked.

Omicron, is currently rampant, and highly contagious, even causing breakthrough cases in vaxed people. Record numbers of Covid-19 cases are happening, all over.

                                                      >sigh!<

I don't need, someone, coming to my door, short of, an actual EMERGENCY. If she had slipped on, my, snow-covered steps, climbing, up to, or down from, my porch, it would have caused me to be put at risk, of illness, or injury, or both. I could not have simply, left her there, injured, if that had happened, while, she was, taking it upon herself, unbeknownst to me, to take that big of a risk, with, her own, health, and safety, just to walk over, with some, small baked item, during, a winter snow, sleet, and ice, storm. SHE MADE ME RESPONSIBLE FOR HER SAFETY by her doing that, and SHE PUT MY SAFETY AT RISK, by doing that, as well. It was stupid, and, actually, selfish, of her, to put me in that position, where, I would have had to risk my own health and safety at almost 66 years of age, to go outside and try to help her, if something, bad, had happened on my porch, my stairs, or my lot . . . . She may have THOUGHT, she was 'just being nice', but, given her age, her health, the pandemic, and the snowstorm, it was NOT nice, of her, to put ME, squarely, in the middle, of such, a foolish risk, as that, and for such a silly reason. I told her when she came to my door at Christmas, that I stay well-stocked, by ordering all I need online, to be delivered, for the most part, and that I am not wanting to take risks, by bringing any unneeded or unwanted items into my home, that others bring by.

                                                     

When I spent a week and a half or so feeling like I had a cold, through Christmas, I DID wonder, if I had ACTUALLY been, exposed to, and gotten, a, milder, case, of Omicron (since I am vaccinated). Whatever it was, this same woman was the only person I had compromised my isolation for, by allowing her around me, when she came to my door that other time in December. This second time in January, I was NOT DOING IT AGAIN! I let her SEE my face looking annoyed, and even angry, at her. I wasn't going to 'just be nice' and act like it didn't upset me. After all when I let her know that her behavior of letting her dog roam around anywhere and poop in my yard was something that, should not, be going on, and was actually against community policy, but I stated it firmly WITHOUT letting her see how much it was really pissing me off, at her, she apparently thought it didn't bother me that badly and she kept allowing it to continue; disregarding the rules and disrespecting me. That, told me alot, about how selfish, she actually was, underneath, 'being a nice person'. (It isn't, just her. Alot, of people, are like that. It's a pet peeve, of mine.) 

By 'stuffing' my truest, deepest, feelings, about her 'bad' behaviors, I seemed, to her, to actually be accepting of them; and that only reinforced the very behaviors that I need her to STOP DOING. I was not making it CLEAR enough, to her, that I DO NOT APPROVE of her behavior. There's a saying that WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US. We, also, have to pick our battles, wisely, and then be very CLEAR. By not doing so we encourage the troubling behaviors to be repeated or continue.

Perhaps, it was due to, my being, extremely tired; therefore operating on, a short fuse, and resenting her interrupting my attempt to sleep and invading my privacy, but, she SAW, on my face, through the glass, as I refused, to even open the door, that I WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HER BEHAVIOR. I openly scowled at her, waved my arms indicating NO, and raised my voice at her so she could hear me through the glass, that I DID NOT WANT THE 'BAKED GOOD', because, I AM QUARANTINING! Then, I shut the shade, waited, a moment, for her to GO AWAY, and then, feeling the resentment from her burdening ME with HER SAFETY AND WELL-BEING when  I was desperately TRYING to STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE and PROTECT MY OWN, I opened the shade again, just long enough, to watch her, struggle, back down the snow-covered stairs, and shuffle safely, back over to her own house. If she'd had another stroke, out in that cold, or fallen, and broken a hip, or an arm, or, in any way, had needed help, or rescue, out in that weather, because of her stupid stunt of walking over to my house in that weather just to bring some bun I would have felt FORCED, to RISK, MY OWN HEALTH, SAFETY, AND, LIFE, as, ALSO, a SENIOR CITIZEN, who is also only about half her weight. Picture it, to know what I mean. If she fell, outside my house, and started crying out, how would it have looked, if  I didn't go out and help her, even though I would then be risking injury myself, or possibly, another, viral cold, or even Covid, in the process of that. Her, 'just being nice' was shortsighted, and selfish, in light of the great potential for harm to both of us by her doing that. It REALLY PISSED ME OFF, and THIS time I let her SEE it.

       

While I'm writing on the subject of my seeing someone as being 'stuck on stupid', 

I actually laughed out loud, shaking my head in disbelief, when the news reported on Sunday that they had been asked, by law enforcement officials, to request that citizens of this area, in the midst of this storm-- which we were warned about, for several days, to prepare for, before it came-- please stop calling 911 and tying up that emergency line, to ask, when, the roads would be clear, and, if they could go to the grocery store. They, also, instructed the local citizens to not call 911 "if you have a power outage. Call your local power company." This lack of understanding, or care, about the actual purpose of 911, by these people, was astounding, to me. People that can't breathe because of catching Covid, need to reach 911 operators.

We are, currently, experiencing the most Covid cases, ever, breaking records, and virtually no one, here, wears masks, does social distancing, or practices any other safety precautions. Even after they have caught it, they will tell people-- like me-- that we 'worry too much', although, they should at least be aware of the fact that no one, actually, knows, how sick, they, will become, from it, unless or until, they get it, and, by then, if it's serious, or deadly, for THEM, it is too late, to turn back.

Do these people not see the news stories showing person after person lying in the hospital, hooked to all kinds of tubes and machines, saying, "If I'd only gotten the shot. Don't go through this. Get vaccinated." Or "My loved one didn't get the shot, and now, it's too late. They are dead. If only they had gotten the vaccine! I would do it differently; NOW." HOW MANY CAUTIONARY TALES DOES IT TAKE for people to WAKE UP? I happen to be-- even, at almost 66 years of age-- the biggest baby, about not wanting to get jabbed by a needle. Yet, I understand, that I can greatly lessen the severity of the disease, or death, from it, should I catch Covid, despite, all the precautions, I am doing my best, to take. I have had, 2 shots, for it, so far, and plan to get the booster, whenever I am within the, recommended, timeframe. I want to live! More, than that, I want, to live healthy. Our health is so important! Omicron, is so extremely contagious that, for the first time, I am hearing officials say that, the entire country, could very well become infected, with this variant, of Covid. >sigh!< I am TRYING HARD to stay WELL. So, it MAKES ME MAD when the people around me take risks with my health, when they know that I am doing ALL the protective protocols, to avoid catching Covid. I have made, my, position, clear, to them, conveying that from the outset of our interactions. So, their disregard, of that, is selfish. They don't have the right to put me at risk like they sometimes do. I don't ever do that to them. I treat their health as carefully as I do my very own!

While I did not quote, this article, in my blog post, its content is certainly right on point, with what I have described, here, about the difficulties, and frustrations, of dealing with other people, and, their treatment of us. I recommend you read this:

We Teach People How To Treat Us: What Lessons Are You Teaching? - Lisa Merlo-Booth (lisamerlobooth.com) Here, is a quote, from this:  "Too often people take a passive position in response to poor treatment. Many people think that if they lay low, do what the person says  or simply try to  not get the person angrier,  things will  get  better. This  could  not  be  further  from  the truth. Other than domestic violence situations (physical violence in a relationship), our silence in response to poor  treatment  often  incites  more  poor  treatment. I  realize  this  is  counter-intuitive, however  when you silence in response to poor treatment, you send the message that  the poor treatment  is okay. Inherent in your silence is acceptance. When people know they  can treat you any way they’d like—they will do just that. In essence you are TEACHING them to do just that. Why should  they  treat  you better? If you’re fine with it, why shouldn’t they be?"

                                                    

* stuck on stupid. adj., in a prolonged state of being completely clueless, or unable to think straight.

** SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression, that's related to a change in seasons. Most people with SAD show symptoms in the winter months. SAD can sap your energy and cause you to feel moody. Less often, SAD causes depression, in some people.