This Blog Post Is Not About Me, And It Is.

Words fail me.

Normally, that statement, would make even me laugh, as I am, almost never, at a loss for words. That, is a good thing, for a writer; although, sometimes, the words fill up my head until I feel like I'll drown, in them, before I can transfer them, onto the page that I'm writing. Thoughts, descriptions, observations, revelations, . . . a snippet, of a poem, or song lyric. They come into my consciousness quickly, and if not seized there, can simply vanish into the universal consciousness, where I may, or may not, ever encounter them, again. I believe that creativity, in any form, has to be, captured, as much as, channeled. We often, hear songwriters say, that they don't feel they wrote the lyrics to their song, themselves, because it felt more like they were, being gifted with the words-- like a download, into their consciousness, from, something, beyond themselves. Today, is not, that day, where that happens, for me, though, with, my, writing. Right now, as I sit here, staring at this screen, I am thinking . . . 

I GOT NOTHIN'.

Oh, there's still a LOT to say about my life and what I have somehow managed to live through-- so far, anyway. But, I just can't 'go there', right now. I've definitely been through some bad stuff, in my life, but even the worst of it doesn't compare to the sheer terror that, Ukrainians, are being exposed to, every single second, of every day, since the evil-intentioned intruders entered their homeland and began to kill civilians, including, little, children, and destroy structures, like, homes, and hospitals. I'm sitting here, shaking my head. I can't even fathom their fatigue. Or truly know, what this level, of trauma, is like, for them. Or, wipe their tears. I just keep shaking my head, in disgust that they are being put through this, and that-- sure enough--  despite, ALL, the, historical, and, hysterical, outcries, of, "NEVER AGAIN!" that go back for decades, since World War 2 ended, history is repeating itself, in plain sight, right before the anxious eyes of the whole world. Scary stuff!

I am not minimizing my own problems, in this post, by any means. Some of them have left me traumatized for life and definitely living life as a damaged soul. Even so, there is just no comparison, to the PURE HORROR of what is going on, now, in Ukraine. I honestly had to MAKE MYSELF sit here to write, today, because I would normally be watching the news, now, and, almost, nonstop, since this, nightmare, started. I even have literal NIGHTMARES about it, when I finally have to give in to sleep, which I try to put off, long enough, to feel as sure as I can be, that Ukraine will make it through the night as the free country that it is, and is fighting to stay.

I am starting to cry, typing that. EVERYTHING, IS AT STAKE, for them. NO part of their lives is UNTOUCHED, by this TRAGEDY. There are not words, which can even convey, how, despicable, and inhumane, I think Putin is. When, I hear people say, may someone ROT IN HELL, I always think it sounds so extreme, because every human being supposedly has a soul. I say supposedly because I just find it nearly impossible to believe that Putin HAS one. I, fantasize, now, about HIM, having to, endure, POISONING, and TERROR, and TORMENT, the very likes of which, HE has so, cynically, and callously, and coldly, bid Russians to do in his name. Even when some of them haven't wanted to, but did so under duress. He cares about no one. Not even, his own people. He has moved up, on my list, of people that I LOATHE.

For weeks now, I have spent most of my waking hours 'watching and praying', as the Christian religion teaches us to do. I've been watching the news, tracking the war in Ukraine, and also praying, that their, charismatic, and inspirational, leader, President Zelenskyy, stays alive, as well as praying for the safety of the Ukrainian people, praying that God sends a Heavenly host, of His angels, to surround them, and do miraculous intervention on their behalf, praying that God puts a righteous 'fear of God' in the attackers, and sends them running away, out of this, free, and once, peaceful, country, that they have invaded, for no good reason, praying that God does, for the Ukrainians, what, He did, for David, when, he stood up, against Goliath, and even praying that God KILL PUTIN. Wouldn't, the WHOLE WORLD, be better off, without, despots, dictators, and dicks? Unless someone as bad, as him, or worse, took his place, the Russian people would be much better off with a new leader, also. Someone that told them the truth, hopefully, instead of lies, like now.

I also know enough eschatology, to be, highly concerned, about, what is going on, right now. Yes, as a, Christian, believer, I look forward to, Eternity, with, the Lord. But, it doesn't mean, that, I'm in a hurry, to get there, either. Eternity, after all, is forever, and I still have some things that I hope to accomplish and achieve, in this Earthly life, before, my time comes. I know, my life, is in God's Hands, and that is fine, with me! It's also comforting. But, even the Apostle Paul spoke of 'nourishing and cherishing' our own flesh (Ephesians 5:29) which leads to being healthier and increasing our lifespan, normally. He also spoke of his feeling 'torn between' living longer in this life on Earth, and going Home to be with the Lord (Philippians 1:23). Because the nuclear capability is present to potentially destroy the planet, that we are all currently on, Biblical prophecies, of the End Times, come into greater focus as well. After, learning this, the hard way, in years past, I refuse to get into any of the, pointless, debates, however, about pre-, mid-, or post-Tribulation theories, as far as the Rapture and Jesus' return to Earth, because the bottom line is, NO ONE REALLY KNOWS the day or the hour (Matthew 24), EXCEPT God Himself. The Bible CLEARLY STATES that. NOT EVEN JESUS KNOWS! He simply, waits, in, continuing, obedience, to His Father, for when the time comes that He is sent to Earth, again.

As, a Christian, I was taught that 'the clock', for the END OF THE WORLD, started ticking as soon as Israel became a nation, which was May 14, 1948; and that, the generation, living, when this happened, would be the same one, to see the return of Christ. That, would be those of us, on the planet, right now, although the word "generation", has a varied number, of years, attached to it, depending on, who, is defining, that. If you, simply, Google that, you will see that almost every entry on the page has, decided on, a different number, of years, constituting that, from the others. Everyone, will try, to convince everyone else, why, THEIR, theory, or, their MATH, is correct; ad nauseam. It is no wonder, people, tire of, or avoid, 'religion'.

I could be cynical, at this point in my life, and say that, just based on the results of my life, so far, there's probably a high likelihood that it won't be long before, I will have to 'bend over and kiss my ass good-bye', as they say about what would most likely occur if nuclear war happens. A-- worldwide-- 'dark night of the soul'. One of the most utilized 'coping' traits, human beings use, is 'burying our head in the sand'; simply not dealing with something unpleasant, to us, through refusing to acknowledge, either, its presence, or, its possibility. Pure denial! People put on blinders, to avoid having to deal with something scary, far into the scenarios that led to World War 2. Not only did, doing that, not prevent that war, it allowed it to develop in the early stages, gain strength, then begin, outright, and continue, for years. I actually had well-meaning Christians say to me that I wouldn't get Covid just because I am a Christian and pray. There is a list of top tier Christian pastors and evangelists that got Covid and died from it by thinking that way. Foolish men. Jesus told us in Matthew 4:7, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’” Although, I do pray, too, I believe that the reason I haven't caught this potentially deadly virus is because of wearing masks, avoiding crowds and indoor spaces, social distancing anytime I'm around other people and getting vaccinated. I have heard that, God won't do for us what we can do, for ourselves. His Word is also Truth, and it's our responsibility, to know what it says, and "rightly divide it". (2 Timothy 2:15) This means to correctly teach the Word of Truth. The Ukrainians are praying, and alot of us the world over are also praying, for them, but they are fighting for their country, often in cold, and snowy conditions, with every ounce of their strength and courage, with every drop of their blood and sweat, and with all available weapons, they can get their hands on. A real, David and Goliath, battle! 

I, still, remember, the day at school, in ninth grade I believe it was, that we were ushered into this classroom that had a projector set up to show a film. At first we were really happy, because films were, usually, something upbeat. A nice change, from staring at the blackboard. When they weren't that, such as being something boring, to us, we snuck notes, across the room, to the person we currently had a crush on, because the lights were darkened in the classroom in order to show the film. The teacher, did not tell us, what the film was about. We took our seats. The lights went down, the film began and we sat there in silent shock at what we saw. News footage-- meaning that, what we were seeing-- with our own eyes-- for the first time, in our, young, unworldly, lives, was something-- REAL! THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED! It was footage of the atomic bombs which were dropped on Japan by our country. Teenagers, are boisterous, and giggly, at that age, normally. None of us said anything, as we watched this horror. We couldn't look away. Suddenly the world that was little more to us, at that age, than going steady and getting asked to the homecoming game, by our current crush, became, very, large, very, scary, and, very, threatening. The teacher said nothing, for that entire class. As the film ended, and the lights came up, and the bell rang, to change classes, we filed out, silently, and sadly, still in shock. Our young brains, were trying to, grasp the idea, that human beings could-- and DID!-- DO THIS . . . to ONE ANOTHER! But, WHY? We, could not imagine, human beings being angry enough to annihilate someone. This world suddenly became a very sad, and sobering, place, to carefree children.

                                                 An atomic bomb 

                               One of the 'lesser' results, of being nuked

                       A child's tricycle, after a nuclear bomb was dropped

This precarious planet has pulsated with wars ever since the Garden of Eden, but somehow, humanity is still here. God's AMAZING Grace, is the ONLY explanation. Even so the Bible does say that there will come a day when this world WILL pass away (Matthew 24:35). What the actual tipping point will be could vary from the continuing global warming making it uninhabitable to a mutually destructive war.

  Can you imagine, heading to the kitchen, for a cup of coffee, and this happens?

I have been through some truly traumatizing events in my life, that have damaged me and made me hard to deal with in ways, and therefore, less 'lovable' as well. It is what it is. I am a, living, breathing, testimony of God's Grace, that I'm even still WANTING to LIVE. Many people including those who have been through less than I have, in their lives, did not survive, through either circumstance or choice. My own brother killed himself-- shooting himself in the heart with a gun while on the phone with a young woman, that was a friend of his, but, had a boyfriend, that she loved. Unable to handle his heartache anymore, after 40 years of 'Friend Zone' rejections, by females, my brother took his own life but made her listen. I hate to think of the emotional trauma, that this, poor woman, was left with, for the rest of her life, and possible guilt, although, it was, in no way, her fault. Human emotions are often not rational; though as a species, we try to pretend they have their basis in fact, more than they do. We humans are such silly creatures! We are far more emotional than logical. The Ukrainians are, admirably, channeling, their emotions, into the defense of their homeland. Many of the videos, coming out of this country, have moved me to tears. A child, singing, "Let It Go", in an underground bunker. Citizens, standing in front of Russian tanks, trying to push them back, out of their besieged city, with their bare hands-- and getting the tanks to GO! The, grandmother, in her, kerchief, holding, her beloved cat, protectively, against her maternal bosom, with one hand, while 'giving the finger', with her other hand, symbolically 'flipping him off', as she says "FUCK PUTIN!" The courage and defiance of these people is inspiring, to me.

A young, Ukrainian, girl, in pigtails, with a lollipop in her mouth, as she stands guard over her city, holding a real weapon of war; not the toy she would be, in times of peace and safety for her homeland. Putin has robbed her of her home  and her childhood. She is perched in a bombed out window, seeming, unafraid.

                                                                                   

109 baby strollers in Lviv, placed in the central square of the city, as a symbol of the 109 innocent children's lives lost, in the first 3 weeks of the invasion of their homeland. Thousands more children have been heavily injured and traumatized.

This young mother, breastfeeding her child, in a hospital room, after being badly injured, by Russian shelling, threw her own body over her newborn's, when they were attacked, to protect her infant. The innocent child, completely helpless and dependent, could have been killed. Russian troops, continue, attacking, civilians.

Self explanatory; and all too true. Russians are largely not believing this, though, because, back at home in their own country, they are being fed propaganda, lies. When their relatives or friends in Ukraine tell them what is happening, they don't believe them much of the time-- even when they are sent photos, and videos, by these loved ones-- of theirs! They say, it has been 'staged', and simply isn't true!
 

                                           Sadly, this is all too true. 

               
 

A mural of a Ukrainian child, hiding from the war, with her toys to comfort her.

This statue honors the Ukrainians that starved to death, previously, when Russia's Stalin, not wanting to lose control of Europe's main source of grain, took away, all the grain-producing land located in Ukraine, and to add insult to injury, he took all the available grain, creating a manmade famine, for the Ukrainians. It was known as the Holodomor, which peaked in the Spring of 1933. 24,500 Ukrainians, died of starvation, every single day. This same aggressor, Russia, did this to these people, then. Now, they are back, to, indiscriminately, kill, pillage, raze, and ruin, Ukraine.

Many people have carried their pets in their own arms, for days, for many miles, to try to get to safety. Some have had to leave their animals behind. You can be sure that innocent animals are being bombed, injured or killed, and are starving. Loving and loyal, fur babies, of these families, should, never, have to suffer, in such ways!

      Someone did this artwork to honor the pets of Ukraine, expressing a PLEA!

Even though, Europe, especially, said, after World War 2, "Never again!" and, "We will not forget", because they were deeply, directly, affected, it's impossible not to compare what Putin is doing, now, to Hitler just decades ago. There are still many people living, including in Ukraine, who lived through that then, and now this, too.

Many Americans have a, soothing, belief that nothing bad, like this war in Ukraine, can happen here, on American soil. They are sadly mistaken. When I look at maps I see how large Russia is, compared to the U.S., and China is also much larger. We look quite small geographically, by comparison to these two other nuclear nations. In our minds, they can seem so far away, also, but, look at the map, above. Many Americans are unaware that Russia once had colonies here, in North America, and that includes, in places that are now part of the United States. Putin was lining up much of his troops and equipment along the Ukrainian border, while lying, that he was not going to invade (of course, he is calling it "liberating", but that is a lie). I said to myself, as I saw him with his friend Xi, at his Olympics opening ceremony, that Putin was only waiting until his buddy's hosting of the world, for this sporting event, was done, before invading, so that he didn't distract from his friends show. Just after the Olympics ended, the invasion began. I personally believe that Putin told Xi what was coming, and I think that Xi is prepared to join with Putin, and be a big help to him, in some ways, if NATO gets involved or some other pre-decided 'trigger' occurs, in the course of this war and/or Putin's aggression, in the region, expands. Xi made a very chilling, ominous, statement, very recently, by declaring that his FRIENDSHIP with Putin has "no limits." Think about the implications of it.

Most Bible scholars say that, China, and Russia, will join forces, in the End Times. Scripture says that 'men's hearts will fail them for fear' in these latter days (Luke 21:26). It is hard to imagine what is coming to this Earth, and to all mankind, in the last days of planet Earth. It is beyond sobering. It is truly scary; and sad. All this suffering, and terror, and pain, and death, because, people, cannot do, the 2 things, that God asked of us: to love Him, and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Russia and Ukraine are neighboring countries. There's NOTHING loving about the atrocities and war crimes being done openly to innocent Ukrainians, by Russians, at the orders of Putin, who keeps the world at bay, by bullying us all, because of, the threat, that he could use nuclear weapons. To the Ukrainians, at the heart of this matter is the belief that, some things are worse than death. That's why they fight so bravely, to the death, for their country. They would, rather, die free, if it, comes to that, than live under Putin's regime of lies and violence and oppression.

We Americans are spoiled by being a free and prosperous nation. We are soft, and act entitled. That is how the whole Karen* thing got started here. There's so much dissatisfaction and division in this country. It threatens our very democracy at this point! Too many people have forgotten how to be grateful. We cannot take all this for granted. We can't assume, we will always have what we have, now-- including peace on OUR soil. In OUR homeland. We must realize and remind ourselves that, NONE of this, IS OUR DUE, in this life. We have all that we have, because, we are BLESSED. I always say that I have learned to not ever say NEVER, because it is a magnet, for attracting the very thing that I said "Never!" about. We are at tipping points, on this planet. In the climate crisis,  in politics,  in world events, in dealing with new and deadly viruses that seem to just keep coming in wave after wave of variants, now. I sit here shaking my head. Will life, EVER, just be 'normal', again?

     

All these things affect my life like they do everyone else's to some extent or other.

But, they're the macro, that I have to deal with, simply because I am a person on this planet. The micro, of my own unique life, which is what I normally blog about, is things like, the frustrations, I feel, with other human beings, in my life, wanting me to be like they are, and socialize alot more, than I do, because I am still in my pandemic protective mode of living for one thing, and I have been traumatized by my life experiences to the point I have a subconscious aversion to the huge risk of interacting with other people which continually informs my reactions to people and significantly affects my social behaviors. It is actually an act of courage, for me, to open myself up to-- ANY!-- human being, at this point in my life. Even when I like them. Starting from being in my bassinet as a newborn, when my brother pushed it, and said, he didn't want me, there, joining the family, and dividing our parents' time and energy; taking some of that away from him, when he had it all, before I showed up, it seems like I have never really been-- or felt-- SAFE with PEOPLE. It  overwhelms me, stresses me out, is often more than I can deal with, comfortably, comes at me-- however well-intentioned-- when I'm just not prepared, to have to interact, with someone else. Then, when I don't deal well with that, I get quizzical looks, critical frowns, cold shoulders, snarky gossip, and behaviors that, reinforce, my belief, that other human beings are simply not 'safe' creatures, for me to open up to, or venture toward, physically or emotionally. So, I either shut down or shoo them away, and withdraw into my shell again, hiding, in my house, where there is much more peace and safety from my point of view as a multiple-trauma survivor. This, is a war, in my SOUL, that I live, in the midst of, every single day, of my life!

Still, it is a small thing, however hard it is, for me, to deal with, compared to, the life of ANY Ukrainian, at this very moment. Those that live through the hell of this war, will sadly be, deeply, traumatized, for the rest of their lives, as are all people by such wars. My trauma was caused by, terrifying, domestic abuse, between my parents, when I was only 8 years old, narcissistic parental abuse toward me, and scapegoating, sexual assault, by several men, including my being molested by an uncle and marrying my half-first cousin after it seemed he took my virginity when I didn't consent, and was not even conscious, rape by a stranger, losing my USAF career, when I finally, turned in, my own commander, for sexual harassment, and for touching me, after, ordering, me, into his car as he also TOLD me, we WOULD have sex as if I had NO SAY IN THAT when I was never going to do that with him. My trauma came from transferring custody, of my toddler son, so he could have a better life, than with a, single, newly-divorced, young, mother, which nearly killed me to do, but I couldn't be selfish when I knew he needed more than I could give him. My trauma came from domestic abuse in my marriage, with the worst being that, he nearly killed me, and that he taught me such a, harsh, lesson, that I can never trust a man, again, in that kind of relationship. I've remained single, for 33 years, since that ended in divorce, and I do not EVER want to be MARRIED, again. My trauma comes from being homeless. My trauma comes from being hospitalized when I made the mistake of telling my VA counselor about a Vision, of Jesus, that He blessed me with, following another trauma, to me, of my being, talked into, an abortion, which I NEVER GOT OVER, doing, to this day, and she didn't believe me. She therefore wrongly assumed it had to be some sort of a 'mental delusion', and had me locked away in the hospital, for awhile; against my will. Very scary to me! If it had not been for, my SENSE OF HUMOR, and my philosophical view, of life, at this point, that, WHATEVER 'it' is, "IT IS WHAT IT IS", I would not have been able to deal with that situation as well as I did. (Is it any wonder, then, that I LONG to LAUGH, all that I can, and try to interact most often with people that feel SAFE to me, and that MAKE ME LAUGH? Those, are the TWO THINGS that I NEED MOST!) There have been more traumas in my life than these but these are the main ones.

         Russian bombing leaves Kharkiv in ruins - photo from Al Jazeera.com

 

Even with all that I have been through in my life, it is as nothing compared to the weeks of incessant bombings, and sirens, and death, and destruction of their lives in every way, that every, single, Ukrainian is dealing with, right now. I just choked up and got tears in my eyes, typing that. My soul sometimes FEELS like the photo above looks, but my life-- my existential, outer, everyday, life, is nowhere near it. These people are losing EVERYTHING, that WAS THEIR LIFE, in many cases: their loved ones, their home, their pets, their jobs, their vehicles, their schools, stores, hospitals, their country, if they have had to flee, becoming a refugee, somewhere else. NOTHING, will EVER be, AS IT WAS, before this INAVASION of their country. It will never LOOK the same. It will never FEEL the same. If anyone survives this evil onslaught, there will be burying, and building, after dealing with, decimation, and despair. If chemical weapons are used, or nukes unleashed, there will be the health hazards that come with such things that can render a place uninhabitable. Putin MUST be STOPPED, though. If he ISN'T stopped, HE WILL NOT STOP, and if  it isn't World War 3 now, it will be then, because this cannot continue, unchecked.

As I write this post, I have a home that I love, and birds singing sweet springtime songs right outside my window. I was able to take a hot shower, today, and I put on clean clothes. I have TV, telephone, and internet. I have fresh, clean, water to drink and good, healthy, food to eat. The weather is beautiful and the sky is blue. Even though the forecast is calling for rain, the fragile flowers are blooming and I see tree buds starting to leaf. I can play music, go for a walk in nature, in safety, and ride my bike, if I like. There are no, sirens sounding, bombs bursting, sounds of shots fired, screams, of fear, and agony, or cries, of dejection, and despair. The structures around me are solid, and sound. The landscape, my eyes look at, here, is beautiful and serene. I came here, by the Leading of God, hoping, and praying, that the, external, environment, would bring, first, peace, to my life, and at some point-- please, God!-- PEACE TO MY SOUL. I will sleep in a comfortable bed under a cozy blanket, tonight. Even though I have nightmares, of war, now, in my sleep, I do not wake up to see that, it is so, all around me, like, the Ukrainians, do. They are LIVING THEIR WORST NIGHTMARE. Yet, they persevere. They are my heroes! There will be more, to come, in my, future, blog posts, about my life, God Willing. In THIS moment, at THIS time, EVERYTHING that I have EVER experienced, even what has so deeply traumatized me, and even if it's all taken together, as one big mass of pain, tormenting, my soul, day in, and day out, to some extent, or other, STILL does not come anywhere close to what every Ukrainian is dealing with now.

This is from an online news story dated August 4, 2010, and updated on April 25, 2005, credited to the The Associated Press: Russian President Vladimir Putin told the nation  Monday  that the  collapse  of the  Soviet  empire  “was  the  greatest geopolitical  catastrophe  of the  century” and had fostered separatist movements inside Russia. In his  annual  state of  the nation  address to  parliament  and the country’s top political leaders Putin said the Soviet collapse also was a tragedy for Russians. “First and foremost  it is worth  acknowledging  that the  demise  of the Soviet Union  was the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century,” Putin said. “As for the  Russian people, it became  a genuine tragedy. Tens of  millions of our fellow citizens  and countrymen  found themselves  beyond the fringes of Russian territory." Perhaps, due to his maudlin sentimentality about this he has convinced himself, that, this, "liberation", of Ukraine, is what he is trying to accomplish. The Ukrainians, have NO desire to be brought back under, Soviet, domination, and the oppression of the people, that comes with that. They, have experienced, freedom!

They are, willing to die, for their freedom, rather than, live under, Putin's, regime. Take note that, Putin called the dissolution of the USSR, "the greatest geopolitical catastrophe  of  the  century", and "a genuine tragedy". I am certain  that he has seen video, and photographs, and even statistics, on his own military's casualties, from his invasion, of this independent, neighboring, country, Ukraine; but he calls this a "liberation", held a large rally to celebrate it, lies to his own people about it, and continues on, despite, the consequences, and carnage, to civilians. How does he sleep at night? What can he tell himself when he looks in the mirror each day? 

The Ukrainians are compassionate, determined, and resourceful people. A child, in this hospital bed, for reasons that are unclear but, most likely, have to do with the attack on this country, lies here helpless, connected to machines to try to save her while sandbags and pieces of cardboard have been placed to cover the window, so that if it explodes from the bombing the shattered glass will, hopefully, not hit her. [NOTE: I saw this same photo on CNN, on 3/24/22, and they told what happened, to her. She was in a vehicle with her family, when Russian soldiers shot at the car, striking her with a bullet, that grazed her face and neck, dangerously close to her carotid artery. She is lucky to be alive, at all, after that. She is only 11 years old.]

It is clear that, one way, or the other, this has to be stopped. Right now, innocent citizens of Ukraine, from very young, to very old, are paying the price, for Putin's aggression, against their land. Only God knows, how many, of the world's people, will, also, be paying a price, for this situation, before it is all said and done. From higher gas prices, to the possibility of nuclear war, it is already affecting everyone everywhere, to some extent. One man, is managing to, effectively, hold the world hostage, as leaders the world over try to figure out how best to solve this, to end this, without, provoking, Putin, to use far worse weapons than he is already using on these Ukrainians that have done NOTHING to DESERVE ANY OF THIS. Even so, he MUST be STOPPED. Not just, for Ukraine's sake, although, morally, that should be reason enough. There is that saying, "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." Putin, must be stopped, because he will not stop on his own, if left unchecked to do as he wills and wishes. His ultimate dream is the full restoration of the Soviet "empire", as he has called it. He denies this but he lies, and actions, speak louder, than words. I believe, he has some prearranged plans with and assurances from, China's Xi, also, in this matter, which will become known to the world when they think it is advantageous for them to, finally, reveal, and execute, it. If they do join forces, either militarily or economically, that will be very bad for the world. The world, as we know it, would likely cease to exist, then.

My personal trauma has been pervasive. Even so, I have NEVER had to face what the Ukrainians are, right this moment, and with such courage and class. They are demonstrating the very best, of human nature, while, at war, with those, showing the very worst of human nature. I have gone through alot of my traumatic events because there were not heroes in my life along the way, to protect me from those things. From, my father, to my brother, to my uncle, to my half-first cousin, to my husbands, to the pastor of my church (whom I sought out for counseling, until he said, during one session, that he thought, he was in love, with me, causing me to leave the support system, of my church, because he was married, with a baby on the way with his wife, when he made that shocking claim to me, out of nowhere), the very men, in MY life, who SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY HEROES were, instead, the ones that traumatized me. They failed me. They harmed me. They DAMAGED me. (Is it any wonder that I am STARVED, for a HERO, in my life? I admire Zelenskyy, so much, and pray for him, diligently. I, NEED him to LIVE! I can't be deprived of, another, hero, when THEY are SO FEW, and FAR BETWEEN, and so HARD to FIND, on this Earth, anymore. I NEED to feel SAFE! I NEED to LAUGH much more than I do! I NEED a HERO in my life!) I have had to be, MY OWN hero, for so long. Make MYSELF feel SAFE, Make MYSELF laugh. I can, do it. I am, doing it. But, I need to find those, seemingly, rare, people that are GOOD FOR ME, that are SAFE for me, that bring me LAUGHTER, and JOY, to help me get through this life, in something more than the 'survival' mode, that I am usually in. The Ukrainians, are currently trying to SURVIVE, this attack, on their country, yet, THEY ALSO ALREADY KNOW how to LIVE. I am 66 years old, now, and, STILL, DON'T KNOW, HOW to do THAT. If I can ever become HALF the human being that a Ukrainian is, I'll be something!

As I publish this post on my blog, President Biden has just arrived in Brussels, to meet with other world leaders who are our allies, to try to determine what to do.

                                                    Slava Ukraine!

* "Karen is a pejorative slang term for an obnoxious, angry, entitled, and often racist middle-aged white woman who uses her privilege to get her way or police other people's behaviors." - dictionary.com

"You will always have a lot of friends!" . . .

When I changed schools, in 7th grade, on the cusp of becoming a teenager, later on that year, I entered, the most self-conscious years, of my life. I started taking stock of my impact on the environment that I found myself in, at this junior high school. Realizing, I had to make a conscious choice to project myself to others in some favorable light, to have any chance of attaining the popularity, with people, that is so coveted, at that age, I disciplined myself to display a few very carefully chosen personality traits, and let everything else fall by the wayside as far as my self-expressiveness. This was the threshold of the awkward, teenage time of life, when others' perceptions, about us, were everything, to my age group; including me. I was, too cerebral, too much of a bookworm (even, wearing glasses, which, seemed to emphasize the point), to come anywhere near the orbit of the popular clique of kids. That was fine with me; but I knew I could do better than I was, as far as finding my place in the planetary placement of popularity with my peers. I was stuck somewhere in the middle of the peer-reviewed rankings, that are such  a crucial measuring stick, for our self-esteem, at that tender, and overly anxious, age. While I wasn't invisible to my age group, by any means, socially speaking, I just wasn't showing my best self, or shining my light in the situation, as they say.

Alot, of that, had to do with the uncertainty, I felt, from my upbringing. Standing out or speaking up, as I was growing up in my family, seemed to simply earn me  unwanted responses, that taught me, it was safer to hide myself in the shadows, as much as possible, than try to shine, and be censored, or even struck, for that. Instead of, being allowed, to grapple with my own identity, and in doing so, build better social skills, and gain more confidence in my ability to interact with others, my struggles to grow into my self often got me criticism, chastisement, and even corporal punishment. I was taught that, I was to be seen and not heard; that my opinions or ideas had no place and no value, and expressing them was not worth risking the swift, and harsh, response, from my dad, in particular. I lived much of my home life as a child trying to shrink into the shadows, in order to avoid, even, accidentally, encountering, my father's critical, disapproving, scowl; and his ire. I was definitely not raised to show up and shine. In all those 18 formative years of  my childhood I was very rarely praised for any positive attributes, or skills, that I possessed. I wasn't really interacted with much at all, by my father, unless it was to scold or spank me for something. I was not a bad child so it seeded a seething anger in me that the only attention my father took time, and trouble, to give me, was to drive home his point that I was somehow a disappointment, to him, which deserved only his discipline and never his affirmation. I learned that, as long as I simply suffered silently, so that, I did not interrupt, his, constant, TV watching, or intrude, on his naps, that he took on the couch, while his TV shows droned on, in the background, that I was, allowed, to exist; but that was about all. He spanked me once for daring to change the channel, on the TV, to watch something else, as  he lay there asleep. As soon as I had switched it over he woke and expressed not just annoyance, but extreme anger, and hostility, at me, for my doing that, 'in his house'. Apparently, I was only an intruder, in that place; an obviously unwelcome guest, he was, resentfully, hosting. I spent my entire childhood, walking on eggs, around this terrifying tyrant. There was no way to flourish, while shrinking myself down, desperately trying to survive what was my everyday existence in his house.

Mothers have the larger load to carry, in the vast majority of homes, it seems. My mother was a wife, a schoolteacher (for most of my childhood) and the mother of 4 kids. To make communication, with her, even more difficult, for me, aside from, her busyness, my mother, who had once been, 'my hero', in our home life, whom  I adored, and had even emulated, as a very little girl, became, what I would only understand decades later as being, increasingly, narcissistic, as the years passed; to the point that she eventually became so treacherous, and toxic, toward me, as her scapegoat, that I finally had to go No Contact with her and maintain that very painful decision, instead of backtracking, any more than the, several, times that I had already risked that, over the years, in the hopes that we could find some way to have a mutually enjoyable, and healthy, relationship, with one another. >sigh<

As a girl on the brink of my womanhood with all the bewildering things happening to me, at that age, I tried to talk to her, at times, about things I was thinking and feeling, in this particular year of my life, when I stood a head taller than the boys in my class, and was taking alot of teasing for that, from other kids. But, if, in my normal, understandable, teenage angst, I sounded remotely, frustrated, or upset, about what I was struggling to say, to her, to try to get her to understand, and to feel what I was feeling, at that very vulnerable age, my dad would swoop into the scene and spank me. He did that up until this very age, that I am describing now, when he finally stopped hitting me at least, when he so took me by surprise, with that last physical assault on my behind, that I peed on his hand as he hit me, and fled the room, in humiliation, leaving a puddle of my urine, on the floor. It's also a really bad message to receive as a child, about your worth in this world, when the only time your father even acknowledges you, or ever touches you, at all, is when he scolds you or strikes you. My crime, that he felt, warranted that last assault? I had been sharing my frustrations, with my mom, about the fact that I didn't have any outfits that were on trend like the other girls were wearing, and as a result of them reacting to that unfavorably, by 'judging a book by its cover', which this age group is particularly known for doing, toward one another, I was experiencing alot of trouble being accepted and fitting in, because that made me stand out as being too different, from them. In other words, I had been expressing something that is a, very typical, teenage, emotion. I was struggling, to express these things, to my mother, when my father physically attacked me for it. Instead of being empathetic or supportive or helpful, he had chosen to punish me, for expressing these things. It was not something that, I deserved to be struck for feeling, by my father. Being a teenager, it was, difficult, enough, to feel positive about my self-image, to begin with, as my body began changing, so rapidly, blooming, into womanhood, without my emotional compass for navigating all these increasing complexities of life, as a female, on this planet, being further, and erroneously, skewed by my father acting as if I were a terrible human being, for expressing, normal, fear, and frustration. I wasn't doing well, with all the changes, and demands, life, was giving me, to have to deal with, and I didn't have anyone in the family, being a, sympathetic, support system to help me get through it and come out on the other side feeling confident about my identity, as 'me'. The unique individual God created and called me to be.

I was on the cusp of my teenage years, then. Recently, I just turned 66 years old. These experiences, and the memories they leave behind, in our psyche, stay with us, for our lifetime. Below is a post I put on Facebook, this year (just last month), where I am sharing, some of the results of this, that I, still, live with, to this day:

Some of these things are still a real challenge for me. I was raised to not have or speak with a voice of my own. So, it does not come naturally, or comfortably, for me, and my success at speaking up and speaking out varies widely. It doesn't help that most people aren't comfortable hearing the truth, or even anything else, that they don't want to hear, and it can leave me feeling the brunt of their hostility toward me, for saying what I do, when I do, even if it was warranted, proper, and healthy, given the situation or conversation between us. >sigh!< Humans are MY HARDEST THING to DEAL with. I often wonder if it is really alot easier for OTHER people; and if THEY feel SAFE, ACCEPTED, RESPECTED, and LOVED, by other humans. Honestly, I rarely do. It is SCARY for me and HARD for me. I truly TRY MY BEST, but humans are often so stressful for me to try to interact with that I usually avoid doing it, at all costs, about 99% of the time. Social media masks that, for me, in that I can post things that resonate with me, in some way, that still aren't exactly the same as me PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE. My family of origin wasn't a safe place for me, mentally or emotionally, and sometimes, physically. So, I wasn't taught that people are SAFE for me to interact with and engage in relationships with. It is just so hard, for me. I just know that I want REAL, TRUE, CARING, connections, with people, and can just be myself, and feel like that's alright; that's enough; that's ACCEPTABLE. That's all I can really bring to the table, anyway, is myself. But, we live in a world, now, that can be so superficial. It's like JUNK FOOD for THE SOUL, in alot of ways. I don't come away feeling truly seen, or heard, or cared about. I just accept that, because the way I see it, at least I didn't get DAMAGED MORE BY PEOPLE. (Hopefully, anyway.) We should be such a source of joy and support, for one another. Loving our neighbor as we love ourselves. But, that thing they teach us-- TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED-- NEVER REALLY WORKS WELL for me. At all! I must be MISSING something. . . . I really don't know. I just know that human relationships OFTEN DON'T FEEL 'SAFE' for me. It is REALLY HARD. - Deborah

Alot of introspection, alone in my room, along with an old library book that I read, on how to be considered charming, was what, did help me, all those years ago, to develop some 'survival' strategies, for how to get through that pivotal year, in my life, in a much more successful way than I was doing by simply staying helplessly adrift as I was, always at the mercy of others, and their, sometimes, cold or cruel comments about one another, of which I was one of the targets. I wanted to stop whatever waves of others' opinions had been buffeting me about, in these murky waters of peer popularity. I wouldn't have known how to express this, then, but I wanted to develop some proactive personal power, to secure a higher standing in the pecking order, of peer popularity.  Since, I was spending the large majority of my childhood hidden away behind the closed door to my bedroom, which brought me more peace and protection, for my soul, all alone, in my room, away from the rest of my family, who weren't, accepting, affirming, or affectionate, toward me, I didn't try out any of my new traits, on them, that I was, consciously developing. I remained the same person I had been, at home, in order to continue hiding in the shadows as much as I possibly could. I had learned, along the way, that my dad's attention would only be harsh, critical, or punitive, if I was the recipient, of it, so I did all I could to avoid him, at all costs, My mother's hostile narcissism caused me to avoid interactions with her, all I could, also. I didn't know that her behavior had a name, and that it was that, at the time. I didn't know anything about narcissists selecting a scapegoat, to target, either-- someone that they resented, because, in a sick way, they, actually, admired, that person, for some of their qualities-- which the narcissist doesn't have; and feeling insecure in comparison to them, they seek to bring that, targeted, person down to their own level, if not, totally destroy, that person (which, was me, in my mom's case). I only knew that, I was being singled out, and victimized, by her, and it left me feeling, sad, and scared. I needed to be affirmed, by my mother, not undermined. Especially, during those most vulnerable years I was growing up, when being deprived of healthy relationships and positive interactions can scar someone, for life, damaging, them, irrevocably; as it did me.

 

I began to be laser-focused, on my new personality, I was consciously cultivating, when I was away from home, such as at school, or on church youth retreats, and so forth. My mother dropped me off, at the junior high school, on her way to the, elementary, school, that she taught at, and in between getting out of the car and reaching the entrance door of the school I quickly shed my 'home self', switching to my 'school self'. No longer, being, the introverted, stay-under-the-radar, self, I emerged, in a split second, on the other side of that door, as an outgoing, upbeat and confident girl. It was a case of 'fake it 'til you make it' as I began, trying out, the advice, and strategies, that I had learned, from the library book I read. I was surprised, and gratified, by how well those teachings worked, for me! Virtually all my classmates began to respond to me positively, and affirmatively. I did not get into the 'popular kids' clique (to be honest, I never even wanted to be with those highly superficial, snobby, people) but, even they began to give me their respect, however grudging, it may have been. Teachers consistently called on me in class, and I became known as one of the smartest kids in the class. I excelled, in many areas, and my confidence grew. I was still myself but I had found a way to be my best self and the results of that were rewarding. Guys in my class asked me to go steady with them-- even though I still stood a head taller than almost all of them. I approached everything, and everyone, with a positive outlook, when I was away from my family; where staying alone in my room in as much obscurity as possible seemed like my only hope for survival, in that, very-loveless-feeling, environment.

I was finally getting the acceptance and affirmation from others I was starving for but that I wasn't ever getting from anyone at home. In gym class, the girls would grumble, about having to exercise, or play volleyball, and then be sweaty, for the rest of the day. I stood there, and stood out, as being the one that had a smile on my face though, no matter what was asked of us by our gym teacher, and to do it with, enthusiasm, and supportiveness, of the teacher, and the other students. We had a student teacher that year, as well, who was working on his teaching degree under the training of the school's coach who was, also, our 'Phys Ed' teacher. One day in gym class, as this young man looked out at the lines of girls standing there in formation in the gym, waiting to begin to exercise under his direction, he called out my 'good attitude', in front of, all of those assembled peers, of mine. He could clearly see each of our faces, as he stood before us, and apparently, mine was the only one that appeared anywhere near reflecting positivity about our having to do calisthenics. His, making an example out of me, and me alone, to this entire class caused one of my best friends to get so mad at me, for what she perceived as me making them all look bad, that she actually slapped me in the face, when we went to the locker room, to retrieve our books, for our next class. It shocked me, that I had raised her insecurities that much, when my only intent was simply to alleviate my own, by new behaviors. She was constantly teased, more than most girls, so I sympathized with her, chose to just turn the other cheek (as I hoped she wouldn't slap that one, too), and I let it go, because she had never done anything like that, to me, before, and as I expected, especially when, I was 'the bigger person' about it, in front of our peers, she never did it again. She had developed early, and fully, into a very-grown-woman's body shape, and was not only, tall, but, 'a big girl', as well. She had red hair that drew even more attention to her body, and earned her the nickname, 'Big Red'. It was not the most flattering nickname, to be given to a young girl, that was barely into her teens; by her peers. It had to be hard for her, getting through childhood, when she was still just a very insecure child trapped in a voluptuously developed body that she didn't know how to receive, this early on.

I felt better than I had, toward myself, at least, at school, while she still felt badly about herself, so she suddenly felt very threatened by me. My trying to become a better 'me', wasn't about 'showing her up', by my 'showing off', though, or things like that. I wasn't trying to be egotistical, at all; I was, aiming for, confident. I left the locker room, before she did, without causing any scene, about her hitting me, or, snitching, to the student teacher/coach-in-training. Some other girl apparently told him about it, when she left the gym, though, so, he asked me, about it. I told him, things were okay, that it was no big deal; that she was a friend of mine, who was just having a bad day apparently. He looked at me with such an expression of glowing affirmation, even admiration, due to my always having a positive attitude, and he said something, to me, that day, before I left the gym, which I have never forgotten-- both, because it was the very affirmation that I was starving for, in my life, and because, as life went on, and I grew up, and went out into this world, as, an adult, his words would come back to me, many times, over the years, to haunt me, and to taunt me, even, to this very day. He said, to me, "You will always have alot of friends!" He wasn't, consoling me, about the, literal, slap in the face by 'Big Red'. He was, telling me that, my positive, confident, personality, attributes, that I had worked, so hard, on developing, that year, to make my life, and relationships, happier, would, in themselves, assure me of having alot of favor with other people in my life, who would, also, admire, these attributes. Clearly, as I would learn, the hard way, after becoming an adult female, on this planet, this young man was not aware of the way that this would really play itself out, for me, as a grown woman.

Carolyn's slap in the face in junior high school, was going to prove to be my, first, experience of, the reality, of how resentful, other women would be, of my, bubbly, confident, personality traits. I would later learn that, men, would react differently to it, in ways, that were, almost always, sexual. Including, married men. It was a very frustrating situation, for me, to deal with, at times! To this day, I have never found the way to allow myself the freedom of expression to, just, be my best self, without my doing so, attracting frequently problematic thoughts and behaviors of both women and men. Even though, those are, very different ones, depending on the gender, they make my life, more difficult, and distressing, for me, either way. Just to clarify this, on a deeper level, I do also retain those 'social skills', shall we say, that I developed for my alter ego, persona, 'Stevie' when I became a dancer, but those are a set of extremely extroverted traits, along with, the flirty tone, but it includes lots of sexual innuendo, interspersed in all that; which, was necessary, for me to be able to do my job, well, while working in those nightclubs. Frankly, I was flexing those attributes again, only a couple of days ago, as I interacted with some guys on a social media site on Valentine's Day. I don't personally know any of these guys, that I was 'shamelessly' flirting with. It was just, fun! For all of us, it seemed. The day, specifically celebrating romantic love bonds between couples, can get alot of people down. I LOVE being single, but the mood, online, from alot of other people, led me to believe that, I could lift some spirits, by showing them, the compliment of flirting with them; so I did. It was lighthearted sexually-tinged playtime, for us! I even had one guy, who I only know from this website, but who has become very dear to me, over the years we've interacted on this site, tell me at the end of our typed out torrent of tweets, that, my flirting, had made his day!

Below, are some of these posts, that were flying back and forth, between me and him and other responders to it. It is how I am when I am being much more of my 'Stevie' self, than my 'Deborah' self. Although, I haven't worked in a nightclub, for 25 years or so, now, I still, do some of my 'Stevie' dance moves, dancing around, my home, for an exercise session, after, I've been sitting, for too long, or frankly, to let off some of my pent up sexual steam. I may be older, but I'm not dead yet! These, are examples, of my, adult, adapted, personality traits that I enjoy flexing when I'm given the freedom to do so, in an interaction with another adult. I enjoy it, as harmless fun, but, I have to shut it down, if it causes misunderstandings, of my intentions, in the relationship. Some people say, there is no such thing as just a little harmless flirting. I don't agree, but maybe, that is because, I KNOW that I am, extremely, happy, being SINGLE, after too many HUGE disappointments, with men, and I am, also, CELIBATE, for decades, now, in fact, so, I am not looking for any serious or sexual relationship with anyone. [I just ordered myself some, new, sex toys, as well, which, I hope, will help to address the lack of circulation, that is contributing to my vaginal atrophy, which is a medically diagnosed condition, that  I have had, for the, last few years. My gynecologist (a female), was the one, who told me that this condition would get worse if I did not stimulate blood flow in the vaginal walls. During my pelvic exam, she said that, it looked, very pale, in there, showing the lack of, oxygenated blood, circulating in this area of my body. I take, all of my health issues, very seriously. As a celibate, I needed, to order the toys.] My going to great lengths to help meet my body's, normal, needs, is more proof, that I DO NOT WANT and AM NOT LOOKING FOR a MAN, to be in my life! That is, therefore, also proof that my fun-loving side is showing because I am HAPPY, not because I am HORNY, for a man. These, therapy, toys, that I have gotten, have a twofold health benefit for me. They stimulate blood flow, and sometimes give me an orgasm, as well. My vaginal atrophy is often painful so, alot of the time, it just hurts, and I have to, get through it, for the sake of, stimulating, blood circulation.

 

I, currently, have, only, 5 friends, on one social media site that I don't feel free to really fully express myself on, as the, multi-faceted, woman that I, actually, am. I feel, anxious, boxed in, careful, cautious, reigned in, tense, when I'm posting and interacting on this site. These 5 friends are also people that I actually know in my life. They know me as Deborah; as a neighbor, a Christian, and former co-worker, in a mall retail setting. They're, real-life friends, some old, and some new. I know that I can't, really, ever be, ALL THAT I AM, around them. So, I feel frustrated, at times, and constricted, which is not fun, or freeing, for me. I'm not relaxed, like I would like to be in all of my personal relationships. I'm not being fake, with them. They DO KNOW a VERY REAL PART of ME. I just can't show or share ALL of who I am, with them, for various reasons. It would shock the 'Christian' friends and my former, retail sales, co-worker, because they ONLY know me as a woman of Faith, and a decent human being, who is very caring, and has conservative values (like,  I don't smoke, or do drugs, and I haven't been a drinker for decades now). Those female neighbors, might rethink allowing me into their lives, if they started to see me as a threat (although, I don't want, who, and what, they have!), and the male neighbor is someone I just recently met, whom I have gone WAY OUT OF MY WAY WITH, as I do with ALL of the new men, that I meet, to BE SURE that HE KNOWS, without, any, doubt, that I am, VERY HAPPILY SINGLE, and am NOT looking for, or wanting, ANY man, in my life. I even go to extremes, with making SURE that they KNOW that, when we first meet, because I have learned, in my life, that men only hear what they want to hear, and take that as simply being a challenge, that I am giving them, to overcome, rather than JUST ACCEPT IT, because I am, TRULY NOT INTERESTED, in that, with them. The male ego, just can't seem to accept the fact that, a female, has, every right, to NOT, have them, in her life, or, her bed, or, her body. I have found that, I have to pound that into their brains, before they accept it, to the point that, it really turns them off, toward me (THANK YOU! That's WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN!). I have also learned that I can't really show my flirty side to, many, men, even, at my age, because EVEN WHEN I EXPLAIN TO THEM, that I DON'T WANT THEM, that it's just a FUN SIDE OF ME, flexing, they take it to heart, too much, and it, undermines, the actual, friendship, which, is what, I truly value, with them. So, in real life, I usually can't have too much fun, for too long, before I have to SHUT IT DOWN, because, it starts to undermine the actual relationship, in problematic ways. >sigh!< Bummer. It prevents me from enjoying my freedom to be myself, fully, with the very people that, I often, feel the most comfortable with.

Here's those tweets, I was talking about, earlier, that I didn't put here sooner due to digressing; although that was still on the subject at hand which is: Why it is so complicated, so much of the time, for me to have fun, and fulfilling, relationships? Interestingly, I currently have 521 followers, on this, social media site, versus the website where I only have 5, right now, and that I can't stand being on, because I feel like, I'm stuffed down into a, very tight, box, of who I am allowed to, actually, be, on that site, even though, my friends, DO CARE ABOUT ME, that are on there. The difference? I don't, personally, know ANY of the people on the site that I have alot more followers, so I am not, intimidated, by any of them, or their opinions, of me, which could cause me to decide to hide, a part of, my, multi-dimensional, self. I am FREE TO BE ME, whatever that is moment to moment. I'm extremely eclectic so even though I am expressing my true self at any given time, it is only one part of me. I cannot possibly display all aspects of me, at all times, because I am such a diversified personality! I live with me, so I understand me, but I can often seem like an enigma to others, especially when they feel a need to pigeonhole me, or to put me in some, simple, straightforward box, that, they feel, can contain all that I am. Quite simply, that would be impossible, in my case. It can be a real challenge for me to accomplish! I am struggling, to explain that, about me, even writing this post! I am so simple, yet completely complicated. I am, often, not what I seem to be, WHATEVER THAT IS, at the time, even though, I am still, being me. I am very spiritual, but I also openly express myself in sexual terms; even though I am both a celibate and a Christian; who loved being an exotic dancer in the nightclubs and who often tells God, that, if I had not, finally, aged out of, that profession, I would love to still be doing it, because, I enjoyed it so much. The freedom of expression! I wear glasses, and love to read books, but, I learned to dance hip-hop moves, by watching YouTube videos-- in, my mid-60s! I'm somewhat shy, and very outgoing.

I'm fairly funny, and deadly serious. Charming, and cold. Always, I am, just, 'me'. 

On that thought: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLurue51jfQ Oh, Hell, yeah! THIS, is, my, theme song, now.-- my rallying cry! This song, really does it for me.

              Some of my Valentine's Day tweets (recipients names removed)

I think of you often. I send you tweets to try to console you and bring you a smile or laugh. I love you! For whatever it's worth I get to go through a 2/13 birthday and 2/14 Valentine's Day double whammy every year that always tells me alot about where I stand with people 

[NOTE: That female friend was sad that people weren't showing their love for her on this poignantly important, special day, that so emphasizes, romantic, love. People, who don't have that, in their lives, or are single because they escaped abusive and narcissistic partners, like this lady, and I, can feel deprived and excluded and unlovable, if we let ourselves go there. She allowed the sadness to overtake her, and I have too, other times. This time, I chose to ENJOY Valentine's Day, by letting my sensuality AND sense of humor out to play, online, just to let off some sexual steam that's been pent up in me, ALOT, lately, and CELEBRATE the truth-- for ME-- that, all things considered, I am GLAD EVERY SINGLE DAY that I do NOT HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE! I'M MUCH HAPPIER THIS WAY!]  

I liked it. I've learned some hip-hop dance moves from YouTube and used them to dance to the songs in the [2/13/22 Super Bowl] Halftime Show, in my livingroom, plus picked up a few new moves from the performers in the show! Kicked off my warm-but-awkward scuffy slippers, and got down!

LOL! Sounds like LOVE IS IN THE AIR, Vegas style, mingled with some other assorted scents.

Aw, THANK YOU! My kidding around and laughing is my BEST form of STRESS RELIEF through all this CRAP that I can't control in the micro and macro of my life. But, I TRULY DO NEED a HUG-- DESPERATELY-- but am too terrified of the pandemic (tho vaxed) to RISK GETTING ONE HUG.

Maybe it's just me, or my mood, tonight, but I started laughing so hard when I saw this! Who KNEW the Rapture would take place via a pizza delivery vehicle? At LEAST you got FOREWARNED. I always heard that WOULDN'T HAPPEN, with the Rapture!

LOL!!! When I saw this from you, I just started laughing so hard my shoulders were shaking up and down. I hate to say it, but based on everything you have told me . . . THIS IS SO 'YOU'! I am SMILING SO BIG right now! I REALLY needed a GOOD LAUGH like THIS today! THANK YOU!

I'm blue-eyed too, just no longer brunette-- all gray now (after a 'Do blonds have more fun?' phase-- which they don't! LOL) I have been so hungry since your pic: Did you make bruschetta for your sourdough bread? I WANT IT SO MUCH!!! Being single, I can eat ALL the GARLIC I want!

There is nothing better in this world than homemade, fresh-baked bread! I'm sitting here trying to imagine the smell of your artisan bread baking. Ummm! Not just Charcuterie, but CHEF! I'm impressed! (And HUNGRY now-- THANKS ALOT!)

So, on Valentine's Day, you can honestly say, now, that you showed me your stuff, and made my mouth water. You left me feeling hungry, and wanting it so bad! LOL! Way to go!

Perhaps his LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG table-- MUCH LONGER than ANYONE ELSE'S-- is his way of doing PENILE PROJECTION, rather than "poison projection". Just sayin'. The whole, I'm BIGGER and LONGER than YOU, thing, MAN TO MAN.

You KNOW the VERY 1ST THING I ADORED about you when we met here was your sense of humor! We both had SO MUCH FUN with our back and forth banter the first day our Tweets somehow connected us here and we started kidding back and forth. I didn't know u r Aquarius 2 'til my bday tho.

HEY! We MAY BE old by the world's standards but we BOTH know we're STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE! Oh yeah, we are! I NEVER KNEW 'TIL I got to be this age (since it's ALL NEW TO ME), I REALLY AM the SAME woman I was 20-30 YRS AGO in EVERY way except for BAD KNEES and VAGINAL ATROPHY! LOL!

I swear, I have WAY MORE FUN on Twitter than I ever have around here, so far. >sigh!< I MISS JUST HAVING SOME REAL FUN! Kidding, laughing, NO PANDEMIC, so I can FINALLY JUST GET ONE HUMAN HUG after more than 2 YEARS! >sigh!<

The HUG you sent me through cyberspace landed well and REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART! It made me STOP smiling, because it almost made me CRY-- but in a GOOD WAY. THANK YOU again! It means ALOT. I'm going through SO MUCH right now. I feel kind of LOST, and STRESSED, and SAD, alot.

I am sending you a GREAT BIG HUG right back! It'll linger awhile, while I cry on your shoulder. Hope you don't mind that. YOU TOUCHED MY HEART!

Please stay connected to me, because you are such a bright light of love that showed up in my life, and I am so blessed by your presence! Thank you for being you! I appreciate you ALOT!

I am SHARING this BIG, WONDERFUL, HUG that [he] kindly sent ME with ALL OF YOU who SEE this Tweet! [He] was SO KIND to SEND IT to ME, and I KNOW that ALOT of my friends are brokenhearted (AS AM I, in ways) and Valentine's Day RUBS IT IN for alot of people. WE ALL NEED SOME LOVE!

I wish I could give you a great big hug in person! You are dear to me! I just wanted to tell you that, for whatever it's worth. I LOVE BEING SINGLE and I always say that up front. But, that doesn't mean that I don't love some people, and you are a very special one of those!

I have ALOT of THOSE DAYS myself. Life SURE IS MORE FUN with some lightheartedness and laughter, though; when others ALLOW US THE PRIVILEGE to EXPRESS OURSELVES THAT WAY. GEEZ! People often feel threatened when I'm actually acting HAPPY! My blog post for February will be ON THIS!

YOU ARE JUST MEAN! LOL! My mouth started watering the SECOND I SAW THIS picture! You are SO CRUEL! LOL! I just ate some LEFTOVER tomato soup, and a CARROT, and YOU SEND ME THIS gorgeous spread. I swear, you are TRYING TO SEDUCE ME! LOL! LOVE YOU, DEAR! Working on blog.

I'm SMILING SO BIG NOW! THANK YOU, dear [man], for this wonderful Valentine's Day date we've had through our tweets and our shared humor. I would have changed out of my baggy t-shirt and jeans if I'd known! What a nice surprise this was. I gotta go. Blog post to finish writing now

                        and some Tweets replying to me on Valentine's Day

                 (as we all know, most people aren't nearly as wordy as me)

For you

Awwww you're so welcome

Will do Deborah and if you contact me believe me I will always respond as long as I am here

You’re just teasing me now!

Be still my heart ❤️

At my advanced age it brings a smile to my face that I can still do that. 😄 

Now you got me laughing 😂

ya I’m the same guy too …. Except for the thinning grey hair, expanded waist line, arthritic hands, high blood pressure and there’s parts of me that wouldn’t work if they were soaked overnight in WD-40….other than that, my baby blue eyes are still blue.

The persona, that I put forth, on Twitter, which these posts, above, are from, was much more of my 'Stevie' self, from my dancer days. So, I HAD A REAL BLAST as  I flexed that part of me, again, for awhile. I tend to only let that side of me show now with people that, I really feel 'safe' with, or accepted or befriended by. I shut down alot more around people who I know are, gossiping about me, are trying to undermine, or discredit, or backstab, me, or are fake with me. PLAYER HATERS. I still have, the personality traits, that I taught myself, back in junior high, too, but  I have grown alot tireder of other peoples' crap as the years have gone by and so many peoples' bad behaviors have taken such a huge toll, on me, and, on my life. I'm at the point now of feeling like I am on BULLSHIT OVERLOAD, from all of this. There's not alot of people living by The Golden Rule anymore. Not even me, all of the time. The  Bible  says, "because of the increase of evildoing, the love of many will grow cold."(Matthew 24:12 New American Bible) I've really seen this happen, over the course of my lifetime. Around me, and in me. Not, in everyone, all of the time, or, always, in me. There are still moments where I see or experience caring, and compassion, love, and redemption, that lift my spirit and my hopes out of the mire, of dejection, and despair, and inspire me, to embrace life, and others, again.

I want to engage and enjoy life, fully! I want to be free to be 'me'. I don't want to have to 'keep my light under a bushel basket', hidden from the world because my shining self makes other women insecure, and men attracted to me, in ways that, can become extremely problematic, for me to navigate, and still feel relaxed, and safe, staying, in the relationship, with them, as my friend, or my neighbor. I am a freedom loving, outgoing, spontaneous, fun-loving, upbeat, person normally, with a sense of humor, that I enjoy using, at every possible moment. Instead of, being this, truest, me, though, I often feel like I have to be deadly serious and subdued in situations, to try to avoid drawing the resentment, rejection, and retaliation, of other women, who seem to take my allowing myself to shine as my best self as a threat to them personally, or the men acting attracted to me, even when they are married men, causing me to shut down, my self expression, from feeling, it is my responsibility to NOT SHINE, or BE HAPPY, because their seeing me like that turns them on sexually, sometimes. >sigh< IT IS SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING! I want to SHINE, as who I am, because I am living my ONLY life, and I WANT to ENJOY it! I don't want guys drawing my attention to their adulterous thought, though-- a real downer, for me, that I don't want, or need, in my life. I have been single for OVER THREE DECADES NOW! I have had 5 marriages to 4 men and turned down quite a few other offers to be married. I DON'T LIKE MARRIAGE. There are alot of things I don't like about MEN (although, I am not gay). If I WANTED a man I could HAVE a man-- even at my age, now, but I DON'T WANT ONE! I even, TELL THEM THAT, UP FRONT-- and I am a very direct and honest person! Even so, women literally try to stand between me and their husbands if I am approaching them, as if I want their man, when, there is, NOTHING ABOUT HIM, that I would EVER even WANT. GEEZ!

I am being, my happiest self, when I am, smiling, giggling, being funny, even silly, having fun. But, whenever I DO THAT, men accuse me of "flirting" with them, and women act really dubious of, hostile toward, and resentful of, me. When I am 'me' around other women-- doing, the very same behaviors, as I did around the men-- the women will ask me if I'm drunk, to be acting so relaxed and express myself so freely and happily, which is truly insulting (especially since, I don't drink anymore, and haven't for a long time now). If they aren't asking me, if my behavior is from, some 'substance abuse', then they accuse me of trying to take their man, and get in little gossipy groups and talk about me, in a bad way. Apparently, a woman like me, being fully herself, and being happy, with her life, makes, alot of women, feel extremely threatened, and unhappy, so I end up avoiding them. The men and the women, since I can't JUST BE 'ME', without getting all these CRAPPY reactions, to that, and I get tired of defending, or explaining, myself, to the men (No, I am not trying to BE WITH YOU!) and the women (No, I do not want to take your man!). I end up just shutting down (which is not fun for me, since I ENJOY BEING ME) and staying to myself, away from, the insecurity, and the resentment, the accusations, and the attractions. GEEZ! Why, can't I JUST BE ME? THEY, are being THEMselves!

I have even tried to preemptively discuss this with people, before it ever happens, in order to explain where I am coming from and to reassure them that, I am NOT, trying to take their man, if they are a woman, or have an intimate encounter with them, if they are a man. Plus, there's a pandemic going on, that I'm truly terrified of! I haven't even gotten close enough, to any human being, to even be HUGGED, for OVER TWO YEARS, now! I DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES! I recently backed away from a friendship with a married man when he started saying I'm flirting with him. The thing is, he doesn't see me around others, when I'm being myself, in the very same way, as I was, with him, whether, they are, men, women, children, or PETS; when I am not shut down, which would 'dull my light', socially speaking. I am THE VERY SAME WAY with others, I interact with, even online on social media sites, as I documented, above, by copy and pasting, some, of my tweets, and some of, the responses, I got from people to those. I shut down, and pulled back from it, when he said that, because if that is his perception and his focus, when we interact that way, with one another, then, I can't, comfortably, continue, to kid, back and forth, with him, anymore, like we both used to enjoy doing. I wouldn't feel right about it knowing that, he, thought of it that way. As, something wrong, or that was meant as something more, than it really was. Whenever I feel unsure and self-conscious, with people, I shut down, and freeze up, around them. All I feel is, uncomfortable! In the midst of, ALL this STRESS, with the pandemic, being more contagious, than ever, and the issues with my house being, largely, still unresolved, after 6 months, here, his friendship, with me, was the bright spot, because, he was able to get me to smile even with tears in my eyes, or in the midst of a full-blown anxiety attack, when I was struggling to even be able to breathe. He was comforting. Reassuring. When so MUCH of what is going on in my life, and situation, is anything BUT that. I felt it was a supportive friendship, from someone with a really good heart. Until, he made me so self-conscious, by using the "f"-word (flirting) to describe my way of expressing my buoyant personality as I forced myself to focus on the happiness I feel, in being here, despite the obstacles that I have to overcome that came with it. Hard things, which I hadn't expected, to have to deal with, when I moved here.

So, the ONE person that I had really felt WAS a REAL FRIEND, to me, I don't have that feeling with, anymore. All I can think of, when I interact with him, now, which I try to limit doing, as much as possible, is how anxious I feel, about not doing, or saying, anything, anymore, that will have too much weight given to it, by him, if I should, smile, or laugh, or do, anything, at all, "joyful", around him, now. The sad thing is, he, actually, really had it right, about me, when he described me as being a joyful person. I REALLY AM, when people aren't causing me to shut down, who I am, so I don't make them feel threatened, by that, in me, in some way, shape, or form; depending on, who they are, and what 'threat', they think, I am, to them. I regularly, raise my arms, up high, standing in my livingroom, and praise God, and love on Him, and sing songs to Him! I regularly kick off my slippers, and dance on my kitchen rug-- line dances, hip-hop, even some of my old, dancer, moves. I AM TRULY a "joyful" person, when I AM ALLOWED TO BE! So many people don't allow me to be, for their own, various, reasons. >sigh!< I FEEL like I am SUFFOCATING, sometimes, just because I feel like I have spent MOST OF MY LIFE, stuffing myself down, to minimize, who I am, negate, who I am, force myself, TO BE, LESS THAN, who I AM, just so, OTHER PEOPLE, won't have, a PROBLEM, with, MY JUST BEING WHO I AM, and BEING HAPPY-- because God GAVE ME LIFE on this Earth, to LIVE! Fully! Joyfully! Being, ALL that, I CAN be! EXPRESSING, all that I AM! Having FUN!

                                           

I HATE that it seems like I HAVE to be MISERABLE to keep OTHER people happy! I have GONE THROUGH SO MUCH, that was, horrible, and heartbreaking, in my life. It has been a VERY DIFFICULT road, for me to walk, in this world. Now is my LAST CHANCE, to really ENJOY my life. I am, a senior citizen, now. It's NOW OR NEVER, for me. Yet, here I am, hiding myself away, from, other people, again, like I have, for MOST OF MY LIFE, so that, MY being HAPPY, won't disturb THEM, in some way. It is SO SAD! It is SO WRONG. I FEEL like, I have NO choice. I feel, an underlying anger, too, though, at NOT BEING ALLOWED to just BE WHO I AM in my life, now! God created me to be ME, and I feel like I have rarely been able, to BE, who I am. Sure, I can choose to be myself, in spite of, others' objections, but so often, I end up being made to pay a price for it. The 'punishment', often doesn't fit the 'crime'. It's also still extremely hard for me to accept the fact that, as a grown adult, I am free now to choose to express myself, genuinely, and authentically, after I was not allowed, to do that, at all, when I was growing up. That became an, indoctrinated, objection, in my soul, that is very difficult to overcome; even after all these years.

I already know, that, if I ever DO, give myself, permission, to be all that I can be, anyway, in spite of all the apparent opposition, to that, I will feel MORE, negative, reactions, from people. I want to wear my, nicer, clothes! I have not worn ANY, of them, since I came here, because when I moved here and brought it up to one of the women that is part of the little clique that gossips about me, she said that NO ONE HERE EVER DRESSES UP, because, it DOESN'T SUIT LIVING HERE. I want to get my hair styled. I haven't done these things yet because of the pandemic, and now, the, financial, strain, because of, the problems, with my new house, holding me back, from it. I want to rent a car, and go to the beach! It's been pushed way down on my To Do List, because I have to get the house repaired before anything else, now, though; which the pandemic is still holding up my making progress on, as well as, my lack of funds, that I will need for this, unanticipated, problem. The ONE person here, that I came to believe was a REAL FRIEND to me, isn't now. All because of, my 'flirtiness', being, problematic, for him, despite, him, doing things toward me that I would say ALSO FIT THAT CATEGORY, only I considered it to be that we were sharing our MUTUAL SENSE OF HUMOR, for the most part, that had brightened each other's day, in the midst of stress. After all, NEITHER of us, ever actually PROPOSITIONED the other. It wasn't like that with us. We JUST KIDDED, with one another. Or so I had THOUGHT, we were doing. The friendship is not the same, now. I emotionally distanced myself from him, after he started harping on the 'flirting' thing, making me self-conscious, about it, and unsure about, all of it.  After that, I deliberately told him off, for things, he does, that have, annoyed me,  to put up a wall, between us, so it won't even be possible, to have that, problem, now. Because he is my friend, in my heart, though, I really care about him. So, I really hurt, when his response, showed me that he was hurt, by my doing that to him. But I made myself let it stand, so it would burn that bridge between us now.  I feel sad, about it. He felt like, my ONLY REAL FRIEND, here, so far! I will, make other friends, eventually, though, and he won't feel conflicted, now, from kidding with me. I have talked to him, once, since then, and I could tell it isn't the same.

                                                       

I don't think the 'flirting' thing would have been such an issue, as he made it out to be, if he had known, that, I am that way, with all kinds of people and animals, when I am JUST BEING HAPPY IN MY LIFE. My Twitter tweets show that. I have a young, male, neighbor, who is only 25 years old, that I like, very much. When he moved in, next door, to me, he wasn't married, yet, and when I would see him, I would talk with him, and laugh, and kid around, and be very lively and animated.  I made him smile, and laugh, every time we visited, and those interactions made me happy, too! I looked forward to seeing him, and talking with him. We enjoyed it, but I don't think he EVER took it as me FLIRTING with him, although, by some peoples', strict, definition of it, I probably would be. I am 66 years old, now! It is SILLY, to EVER think that I would REALLY 'FLIRT', in ANY SERIOUS WAY, that was MORE THAN just being, this harmless, and fun, upbeat, interaction, between us. I could be this young man's GRANDMOTHER! Still, I laughed, and kidded, with him, much more so, than I, ever, did, with the man, who was, my friend, that, made a big deal, out of, my 'flirting', to me; causing me to avoid interacting with him now unless it is necessary, and unavoidable. When I moved here, I was ALSO this way with the WOMEN, until, they acted, SO HOSTILE, TOWARD ME, for doing it, that I stopped. I was in my mood to be fun-loving and silly as I talked to a woman here who lives at the end of my street. After all, I had just moved, into my new house, and despite the problems, that presented me, I was trying my best (while, crying, alot, about it, on the side) to BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. As she and I talked outside, for a bit, I was making jokes and being upbeat. I laughed, as I said to her, "My sense of humor is showing!", while striking a silly pose, as if it were, my slip, showing. I was just, feeling free, to be me. She, looked me up and down, when I struck that, animated, pose, with NO SMILE, on HER FACE, as if she thought I was from Mars!

Not long after, a small clique developed here that made me their main target. She was in that group. She acts otherwise, when the property manager is around, but she definitely has been a main instigator in the gossip about, and criticism of, me. That gossipy group talks crap about me, with things like, "Who does she think she is? Why does she act like that? I don't like her. I don't trust her." I know it goes on and I just let them be. All the while, as these, precious, latter, days, of my life ebb away-- days that I cannot get back, to try to live more happily-- I want to DANCE, through my life, and be SILLY, if I want to, and LAUGH, deeply, and wear, some of my pretty clothes, including skirts, and dresses, without, having to, SHUT MYSELF DOWN because somebody SAW me dancing (out of sheer joy of living my life) and says I am doing that because I am flirting, or I am after their husband, or being a troublemaker, or a problem. WHY is my JUST BEING WHO I AM such a THREAT, to people? Honestly, it seems like, so many, people-- especially, women-- are just so miserable with their own lives, underneath, that they are a 'Misery loves company' group! I have lived through MORE THAN ENOUGH MISERY, in my life, and I WANT TO BE HAPPY, NOW! I want to be, ALLOWED, to be happy now! Apparently, I need peoples' PERMISSION, and ALSO, apparently, they mostly, DO NOT GIVE ME THAT permission. I would FEEL SO MUCH HAPPIER and be SO MUCH MORE RELAXED, in my life, if people would JUST LET ME BE (ME!)! It reminds me of the Bobby Brown song, 'My Prerogative'. Below, is the link, to the video, of the song, and the lyrics.

All those years ago, in junior high, my vivacious and enthusiastic personality, that I had cultivated so that I could finally find affirmation, appreciation, and affection, while, I was at school, at least, gave me a way, to find happiness, apart from, my miserable, dysfunctional, home life. When, it was, commented on, complimented, by the student teacher, during gym class, with him, assuring me, that, because of it, I would always have alot of friends, neither he nor I realized, how mistaken, he was. Clearly we both had alot to learn about that. Carolyn, AKA 'Big Red', was the one that showed me what it was actually going to be like, for me, when she heard him say that, and slapped me, to 'put me in my place', because of it, on that very day. It seems like, my WHOLE LIFE, people have, resented me, punished me, and ostracized me, in various ways, because my being "joyful" has been, problematic, for people, for various reasons. Women think, I'm competing, when I'm NOT. Men think, I want them, when I DON'T. Honestly, I MEANT NO HARM, to anyone! I just want, the chance, to be (ALLOWED, to be) HAPPY! Lighthearted. Silly. Giggly. Fun-Loving. WHY, is THAT such a THREAT, to people? I, REALLY, don't understand that.

What I DO understand, is that, my LIFE is NOW! I have to LIVE it, or WASTE it by 'dimming my light', and trying NOT to SHINE, so that, the brightness of my being, won't cause me to incur peoples' disapproval. I DON'T LIVE FOR THEM! I LIVE MY LIFE FOR ME! They already turned on me, anyway, each in their own way, and for their own reasons. There IS going to come a day, God Willing, when I will, finally, be able, to get my hair done (because, it NEEDS it; not to, IMPRESS, anyone, but ME), and I will wear my cute clothes here, because this is where I live, and this is where I am, and my clothes are all just hanging here, filling 2 racks and a closet, waiting to get some use. I paid for them, and I have every right to ENJOY them. I can't spend the rest of my life in baggy clothes and old sweatsuits, just because a woman, here, that isn't nice to me, anyway, and doesn't seem to like me, already told me that, NO ONE ELSE HERE EVER DRESSES UP, so I shouldn't either. I want to FOR ME! But, God forbid, HER husband looks twice at me when I do, some day, because I WILL BE BLAMED for 'flirting' with him, and trying to steal him from her when NEITHER of those things would be TRUE. My being at my best is for myself!

I have downplayed myself terribly, since moving here, and being the object of the gossip clique, and such, but I can't win, with people, NO MATTER WHAT I DO, so I shouldn't continue to allow them to intimidate me or control what I am allowed to be. Apparently, my, effervescent, personality, WON'T assure me, that I will always have alot of friends. But, the way I see it, I'd rather have a few, real, friends, that ACCEPT ME for WHO I AM, than a whole lot of them, that just want to slap me, for seeming like a threat, to them, anyway. I really miss, the friendship, with the one guy here, that I thought was a real friendship. But, it's probably better that it was ruined, if he even thought for one minute that I meant it to be anything else. Now I find myself, wondering, if the 25-year-old, that lives next to me, ever, thought, I 'wanted' him, because I 'flirted' alot more openly with him than anyone else here; so far. I definitely don't! Sometimes, for me, the easiest ones to be flirty with, are the ones that I would especially not want. What they KEEP calling, "flirting", I see as me just ENJOYING LIFE, and BEING, FUN-LOVING. I resent them, relabeling it, into something problematic, when it is something superficial and harmless; to me. When, I'm THIS VERY SAME WAY, with women, that I interact with (that, I like, as people; not, the bitches, that give me a hard time), I wonder, now, if THEY think I am acting like that because I am 'flirting', with THEM; which would make me gay? I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, GAY! NONE of my wildest fantasies are EVER about WOMEN. One, of my sexual fantasies-- since, those, don't have to be, anything realistic, since, it will never, actually, be acted on, in real life, involves, a dog, though; and another one of my fantasies is about an alien from outer space; so, if you want to make something out of, 'who', I 'flirt' with, if only in my wildest fantasies, then chew on THOSE TWO THINGS about me. THAT ought to KEEP YOU BUSY, talking about me, for awhile. In the meantime, I will go 'flirt', with MYSELF! I ENJOY, MY SENSE OF HUMOR, and ability to be, light-hearted, in the midst of all this STRESS! (I once, told my husband, about the dog fantasy, so he used to walk around behind me when he was horny, barking at me. I was NOT amused by that. Although, it, really, was, kind of funny!) Anyway, not only, did I NOT, end up with, ALOT, of friends, there aren't ALOT of people, anymore, that I, REALLY want to BE FRIENDS WITH! I always kind of smile, to myself, when there are people rejecting me who seem to assume that it matters to me; as if I haven't, also rejected them.

"I try to live in a little bit of my own joy and not let people steal it or take it." - Hoda Kotb

Here's one last Tweet, that I just saw, on Twitter, as I was checking on, whether a friend (that I 'FLIRT' with, ALOT, on Twitter!) got his birthday Tweet from me, yet:

Jacklena Bentley @JacklenaB 

Delete people from your life that take your joy away from you.

That Tweet seems to go with this blog post, of mine, very nicely! So, I included it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cDLZqe735k

THIS COULD, ALSO, BE MY, THEME SONG, FOR MY LIFE-- and, JUST BEING 'ME'!

Here are the lyrics:

Get busy
Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Now now)
Why don't they just let me live (Oh oh oh)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (Oh)
That's my prerogative

They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm nasty
But I don't give a damn
Gettin' girls is how I live
Some ask me questions
Why am I so real
But they don't understand me
I really don't know the deal
About a brother
Trying hard to make it right
Not long ago
Before I win this fight
Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission
Make my own decisions (Oh)
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

It's the way that I wanna live (It's my prerogative)
I can do just what I feel (It's my prerogative)
No one can tell me what to do (It's my prerogative)
Cause what I'm doin'
I'm doin' for you now

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not zooped
Ego trips is not my thing
All these strange relationships
Really gets me down
I see nothin' wrong
With spreadin' myself around
Sing!

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (yeah)
Why don't they just let me live (Tell me why)
I don't need permission (I don't need)
Make my own decisions (My own decisions)
That's my prerogative
It's my prerogative (It's my prerogative)

I can do what I wanna do (It's my prerogative)
Truly live my life (It's my prerogative)
I'm doin' it just for you (It's my prerogative)
Tell me, tell me

Why can't I live my life (Live my life)
Without all of the things that people say (Oh Oh)

Yo tell it, kick it like this
Oh no no

I can do what I wanna do
Me and you
Together, together, together, together, together

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')
Why don't they just let me live (Why)
(Why don't they just let me live girl)
I don't need permission (I don't need permission)
Make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

Everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me (Everybody's talkin')
Why don't they just let me live
I don't need permission (I don't need)
Make my own decisions (My own decisions)
That's my prerogative

What is this a bizzit that I can't have money in my pocket
And people not talk about me
This world is a trip, I don't know what's going on these days
Got this person over here talking about me, this person
Hey, listen, lemme tell you something
This is my prerogative, I can do what I want to do

I made this money, you didn't
Right Ted?
We outta here

It's my, it's my, it's my, it's my, it's my
my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my

It's my prerogativeWriter/s: BOBBY BROWN, GENE GRIFFIN, TEDDY RILEY
Publisher: BMG Rights Management, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group
Lyrics licensed and provided by LyricFind