I have had a hell of a time writing this blog post. I have restarted it, from scratch, several times now. If this is what you see online, you will know that I FINALLY got through the tremendous, stressful, challenge, of articulating these things from my life. Most likely, though, I will be bald, for awhile, as I feel very close to pulling my hair out over trying to get this said and done. (Apparently, I can still find traces of my sense of humor, in me, somewhere. >sigh!< ) My aim is to accurately describe my life; not to intentionally 'roast' someone. I am in a state of exhaustion because I have been going through so much for so long that I am extremely depleted in my body, soul, and spirit. I would give almost anything for a walk on the beach and to feel some serenity and sanity return to my tempest-tossed temperament. Truth, is very important to me. It can be approached in a number of ways, though, that can avoid being used as a weapon. My intention is not to hurt anyone and I really wish they would have that same spirit toward me. We're all accountable for our actions however; and I do not think it is right, or proper, for someone to mistreat me, and then, expect me, to not ever say anything, about that. Especially, when it, deeply, affects me, and it becomes a part of my life story-- which, I write about, here. The blog's title is, clearly, stating that, I write about the 'dark nights of the soul', that I have been given to have to get through, as best I can. The word "ascent", reflects my deep desire that, at some point, I will, finally, overcome all the assaults on my happiness, that I endure, and live in the light of, peace, joy, laughter, and love. A big, and perhaps, impossible, aspiration, given the fact that, this planet, I live on, seems to devolve into, increasing, depravity, every day, and my personal life, has been rife with troubling turmoil, and a ratio of life experiences that has seemed to slant, much more, toward, 'bad' ones, than 'good'. I have a (VERY BADLY) broken heart. A, small, sliver, of hope, still, within me, is the, one, thing, that, keeps me going, toward that goal; one WEARY step after another. My deep faith, in God, is my strong anchor as I have clung to what, and where, I see Him leading me, and trust Him, to bring about His Will, and Plan, despite, how things LOOK. The Bible says, we are to "walk by faith and not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). I trust God, and His Word, even when, I don't, fully, trust, anyone else. INCLUDING, MYSELF.
Life is largely viewed the way it is because of the lens we choose to look through. If we look for the bad, it is surely there, and if we look for the good, it is there as well. Recently, someone was (based on results: making the mistake of) asking me the, seemingly, socially innocuous question, "How are you?" In my defense, I had gone to see them, with a smile on my face, solely to give them a gift, which I felt would be welcome, and which they liked, and received with appreciation. I did not go to stay long or have a long conversation, as I was trying to get some things off my To Do list before the approaching weekend. They appeared to also be about to go home for their weekend plans, as well. By all intents and purposes, this should not have ended up being the outburst from me that it was, following the inquiry. I hesitated, struggling, to decide, what to say, in response, when, a sudden flood of my pent-up emotions started attaching themselves to the words which had begun pouring from my mouth. I had been stuffing all that inside me, saying nothing, to anyone, about how I was feeling, for a lengthy amount of time, at this point, and, the dam just burst. As my frustration level began to be expressed, my voice rose, and its volume increased. It could not be stopped at this point as I poured out my very real grief and heartache over some of the ways that I have been treated that are just so wrong; which, this person already knew about, because they had been witness to the things that I was describing. The injustice of it all angered me, and my temper showed, as well. To make this hysteria I was having worse, the person didn't lead me into a nearby room, where they could shut the door until the steam was all out of my hurting soul, over this, ongoing, issue, that I am dealing with. I was asked to "walk with me", as they began to open doors, to the outside, letting this 'go public' at that point should anyone else be around, and then, outside with them, to stand there, in the light of day, as I got the rest of it off my chest, finally finishing this crescendo of righteous indignation I was voicing. None, of which, I'd had any intention of saying at all when I went there merely to give them the item that I thought could well be a blessing, to them, which, they said that it truly was.
How fine you look when dressed in rage. Your enemies are fortunate your condition is not permanent. You're lucky, too. Red eyes suit so few. - Cheshire Cat
As for the other, equally colorful, characters in my life, now, I feel an affection for them all; even those that have been such bitches to me that I don't like them, for it. They don't see my slight smile, after I walk past them talking together, and am glad to see, they are living their lives in a way that is bringing them happiness. (I just wish they didn't ALSO contribute their bitchy bullshit to MINE because I am a loner, by nature, and I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I need, the PEACE of PRIVACY, alot, more than most people.) Because of the sometimes crazy Cast Of Characters here (which includes me, in their eyes, because I'm different in some really notable ways myself, being very eccentric, and more uninhibited, than most), I realized recently that I frequently feel as if I'm Alice in Wonderland. It is a crazy community, in some ways; no doubt about it. It is also, generally, a caring one. These people test me and try me, to my core, but they also are a blessing to me-- even the bitches, believe it or not. I am not at all happy with how badly they treat me-- often in ways that, it goes without saying, they would pitch a fit over if I had done the very same things to them-- but I understand that, how they act, is really out of WHO THEY ARE, not WHO I AM. It is the same way about my being a loner. It's not about them, although, they react to it as if it is a slight, or insult, to them, because they prefer to talk together, often, and gather in groups, to gossip.
People know that I write a blog about my life-- ESPECIALLY the 'dark nights of the soul', which are the BAD things. Many know it is read by people around the world, in 62 countries, now. (THANK YOU, Readers!) You might think that, they would be more careful about how they treat me, since, those experiences, and interactions, become a part of MY LIFE, and therefore a part of my life story. Even that, doesn't seem to motivate them, to BEHAVE BETTER, TOWARD ME; which, is REALLY ALL I WANT. Just to be TREATED BETTER, than I have been, on many occasions, since I moved here. >sigh< It is what it is. We, all, have to decide, individually, and, as a community, if this is what we REALLY WANT IT TO BE. After all, it BELONGS to ALL OF US. I don't know what people here will decide to do, BUT I HAVE FAITH, in our future, here. Not because of THEM, or ME, necessarily, but because the ONE thing that I KNOW FOR SURE is that, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, in the course of doing a MIRACLE for me! The Bible says that, He desires that I BE BLESSED, and tells me in ...
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
MY FAITH AND HOPE are in THE LORD.
Amen.
It happened because their question seemed to CARE how I am doing, and as they also know, probably better than anyone else in my life right now, I have been put through, some, really, ridiculous, and stressful, situations, in recent weeks, which have caused me to hardly sleep for days on end, lately, and cry (which I normally rarely do, unless I am VERY STRESSED BY SOMETHING), with a sound that is not 'human' but more akin to what comes from the mouth of a wounded animal. Yet I don't know if they asked me how I was because they DO care, or just to be polite. Regardless of which one their intention was, I emailed them saying that I am sure they regretted, asking me that question, based on the results. I did not want that to happen, or intend for that to. I have, clearly, just reached my breaking point in having to deal with some truly bizarre things, that people have perpetrated in my life. I would likely be coping with it much better than I am, if it were coming from people that I don't like, or care about. But, these things are coming from people I not only care about but even deeply love. I think that's why it has been especially hard on me. I am walking by faith, as far as all the reasons that God led me here, and I know that, at some point, His Will, will manifest more clearly, in the natural realm. But these people have already so touched and affected me that they have literally altered who I am as a person, in some profound ways, and I needed that.
It can be confusing, and uncomfortable, to be the clay, on the potter's wheel, and feel like, such a, wobbly, off-center, mess, while having no idea what the potter is trying to achieve, as you see yourself transforming in ways that are profound and permanent. From things as simple-- but surprising-- as seeing my taste in music, change, so drastically, that a genre, that I never listened to or valued, is now my favorite music of all, prompting me to purchase 35 songs, of it, for my playlist, to my gentleness and generosity toward people who have put me through some bad things, because I care, more about them, than the level of hurt, they have caused me, I am not the same person that God Led here, for His, mysterious, reasons; in some significant ways. I could definitely delve into a diatribe about the things they have done to me, and it would be justified. I do not think it is fair, for someone to cause so much crap in someone's life, and not expect them to say anything about it. God knows that the counselors on the Veterans Crisis Line all know me by now.
NO ONE DOES [PLAY FAIR] IF THEY THINK THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT. - Cheshire Cat
As for the other, equally colorful, characters in my life, now, I feel an affection for them all; even those that have been such bitches to me that I don't like them, for it. They don't see my slight smile, after I walk past them talking together, and am glad to see, they are living their lives in a way that is bringing them happiness. (I just wish they didn't ALSO contribute their bitchy bullshit to MINE because I am a loner, by nature, and I choose to spend the majority of my time alone. I need, the PEACE of PRIVACY, alot, more than most people.) Because of the sometimes crazy Cast Of Characters here (which includes me, in their eyes, because I'm different in some really notable ways myself, being very eccentric, and more uninhibited, than most), I realized recently that I frequently feel as if I'm Alice in Wonderland. It is a crazy community, in some ways; no doubt about it. It is also, generally, a caring one. These people test me and try me, to my core, but they also are a blessing to me-- even the bitches, believe it or not. I am not at all happy with how badly they treat me-- often in ways that, it goes without saying, they would pitch a fit over if I had done the very same things to them-- but I understand that, how they act, is really out of WHO THEY ARE, not WHO I AM. It is the same way about my being a loner. It's not about them, although, they react to it as if it is a slight, or insult, to them, because they prefer to talk together, often, and gather in groups, to gossip.
I'm JUST BEING ME-- whom I have ALWAYS BEEN, long before I came here. It has everything to do with HOW I COPE with life, and is NOT me avoiding them (except for the secondhand smoke which I do dislike, including because I have respiratory issues). When I have any thoughts, about them, at all, it is things, like, "I REALLY WISH they would quiet their dog! I love that dog but it's BARKED for 20 MINUTES and I WAS, in bed, ASLEEP, before that started." Later, that same day, although, I am, sleep deprived, due to that, I will be in the kitchen, looking in my pantry, and I will think to myself, "I will be so glad, when I FINALLY have the time and money to start baking, again, so I can offer a cake to the community (which includes the bitches, because, for better or for worse, WE ALL LIVE HERE TOGETHER). There is no one here that I wish ANY ILL WILL TO, despite how horribly some of them have treated me. I may not LIKE everyone but God's Spirit in me HELPS me love them. I don't SHOW love for people, though, if my doing so opens me up to their abuse. That's happened to me with several people here, and I withdraw, when they do it.
Just the other day, I was heading home after a walk when a neighbor I had drinks with, last summer, called out a greeting to me, after we hadn't spoken since some serious bullshit happened back then, that left me feeling violated and outraged. It was an appropriate gesture, which I accepted, as I stopped on the street to stand and chat with them a few minutes. I expressed concern and compassion for them, and let them know that me and another person here had prayed together for him, when he was ill. As I turned to go home he invited me to stop by for a drink again sometime. While I am SURE that THAT will NEVER HAPPEN, again, after the fiasco it was last year (his even offering that seemed so clueless, and tone deaf, to me), I smiled, because I knew his intention was to reconcile with his neighbor, and that was a welcome act on his part. Sometimes-- actually, ALOT OF TIMES-- when, we are dealing with other people, the BEST THING WE CAN DO is show them GRACE. I would TRULY BE LOST, in EVERY way, WITHOUT GOD'S GRACE. So, even when I get SO ANGRY AT PEOPLE at times, for how they treat me-- especially, when they REALLY HURT ME DEEPLY, as quite a few people here have, sad to say-- my hope, is that my broken heart, and this dysfunctional community, will eventually, by our choices and efforts, begin to be a place of PEACE, that we ALL FEEL THE LOVE in.
There isn't ANYBODY I have met here that I don't truly care about, and even love. They make it REALLY DIFFICULT, FOR ME, to not only, EXPRESS that, but to, FEEL it, some days. That's for sure! Nevertheless, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, and I'm so GRATEFUL TO HIM for that! In spite of everything, I know that I know that I know that THERE IS NOWHERE ELSE, in this WORLD, that I would rather be! I hope this community will become something as special, to EVERYONE here, as it is TO ME! I can't always express my appreciation, and gratitude, here, because people cannot accept it for what it is. They sometimes give it more meaning or manipulation that I did not mean, by it, which deeply discourages me from saying anything to them, at all. It's hard for me to trust people, as it is. There's not one person here, that I totally trust, at this point, not to hurt or betray me, which is sad. To NEVER KNOW WHERE YOU STAND with someone, is a SCARY THING FOR ME. I have a very deep need to FEEL SAFE, in my surroundings, and I can't feel that way when people are treating me in some of the hurtful and hateful ways they have done to me, here. I have experienced some pretty petty behaviors from people. Even, right now. It all comes down to people NOT LOVING THEIR NEIGHBOR, like they do themselves. It is going to become, and be, whatever the people here make it. Sometimes I really wonder, if what they are contributing to the community is WHAT, THEY WANT, it to be like. THIS IS THEIR HOME, and MY home. It would be SO MUCH NICER for ALL of us if everyone either MADE IT BETTER, or AT LEAST didn't spend SO MUCH time and energy, on gossip and schemes, that MAKE IT WORSE. NO ONE would want to shit in their own food dish, and then try to nourish their body by eating that CRAP.
In a way, that is EXACTLY what some people here are DOING. That will never lead to good results, for ANYONE here; including them. I long for people to STOP being JERKS to others here and show some genuine, neighborly, good will, so things can IMPROVE. When, someone is doing UGLY things, to ME, it is NEVER going to make me WANT to INTERACT WITH THEM. Their actions, place me in a protective mode, where I avoid them, and have no desire to interact with them, or open myself up, to them, in any way. I truly don't understand how people can treat people in ways that THEY WOULD BE UPSET AT if that were done to THEM. For things to IMPROVE someone would have to demonstrate 'good faith', by treating me how, they, would expect me to treat them, were it reversed. When I am DISRESPECTED it DOESN'T encourage me to WANT to interact, with the people who are treating me that way.
This community is going to be what people make it. Bottom line. Some people, do seem to prefer feeding from the same pot they shit in, so to speak. I have no idea why that has been their choice. Ego. Insecurity. Women, that are elbowing others, to secure their hierarchy in the henhouse, and that, becomes their priority, over a better quality of life; including for themselves. For many of us here, we are in our 'Golden Years'. Some, that moved here, have already passed away. Any of us, can expect something to, take us out, of life on this earth, due to our health issues, or such, any time now, although I am sure that, WE, ALL, HOPE to LIVE, for decades more. I just find it REALLY SAD that the LAST LEGACY people here seem to WANT to LEAVE BEHIND THEM is the one that, they have been demonstrating, so far. To be honest, I have actually cried out to God, at times, about people here that have done some REALLY CRUEL, and MEAN-SPIRITED, things, to me, that I KNOW that, if I did those things, to THEM, they wouldn't appreciate that AT ALL. When I have been, DEEPLY WOUNDED, by their actions, toward me, and/or, LOST MY TEMPER, over it, I have even told God that I WOULDN'T MISS THEM AT ALL, IF THEY DIED THIS MINUTE! Wouldn't they RATHER the community MOURN THE LOSS, of them, among us, and all talk together of, HOW MUCH THEY WILL BE MISSED? I wonder what people are thinking, when they sully their standing here, by behaving badly. I DEFINITELY have MY faults and shortcomings. I am NOT PERFECT EITHER. But I CAN say for certain that I have never TRIED to HURT someone ON PURPOSE. The way I write my blog posts about my life now, which is here, REFLECTS that truth.
People know that I write a blog about my life-- ESPECIALLY the 'dark nights of the soul', which are the BAD things. Many know it is read by people around the world, in 62 countries, now. (THANK YOU, Readers!) You might think that, they would be more careful about how they treat me, since, those experiences, and interactions, become a part of MY LIFE, and therefore a part of my life story. Even that, doesn't seem to motivate them, to BEHAVE BETTER, TOWARD ME; which, is REALLY ALL I WANT. Just to be TREATED BETTER, than I have been, on many occasions, since I moved here. >sigh< It is what it is. We, all, have to decide, individually, and, as a community, if this is what we REALLY WANT IT TO BE. After all, it BELONGS to ALL OF US. I don't know what people here will decide to do, BUT I HAVE FAITH, in our future, here. Not because of THEM, or ME, necessarily, but because the ONE thing that I KNOW FOR SURE is that, GOD BROUGHT ME HERE, in the course of doing a MIRACLE for me! The Bible says that, He desires that I BE BLESSED, and tells me in ...
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
MY FAITH AND HOPE are in THE LORD.
Amen.
Deb
