Bullies, Bitches, and Backstabbers

“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz.

                                                          

Human beings are my least favorite species. They are surely the most two-faced, and treacherous. Some are better than others, and my few-but-true friends have their good points or they wouldn't be my friends, because I am really picky when

it comes to people I allow into my life. Beliefs and behaviors are shaped by what we learn about others and ourselves in interactions with one another. I didn't get the best foundation for my thoughts about and reactions to other human beings, because of being raised in a home that largely lacked affection and affirmation. I felt emotionally, and sometimes physically, unsafe, in that environment, and that left its mark on me, to be sure. I was raised in the South where there was prissy, pristine, adherence to sitting in a church pew on Sunday mornings wearing white gloves and the requisite hat of that era for all females to at least outwardly show reverence. Patent leather shoes, and petticoat, were also required, as reverential regalia that I was told I had to wear, to be acceptable to God, when it turned out,  it was really to earn the approval of others, by meeting their standard for all little Southern girls, of that time. Most people-- including, Southerners-- wear jeans or shorts to church now and as far as I know lightning hasn't struck any of them yet. It is my belief that God wants us to be real with Him and one another; not phony.

You were born to be real, not perfect.

                                                          

I had a racist father, and a miserable mother, and siblings that were never, really, there for each other, as we each tried to cope with the situation as best we could. My whole family tree would have testified at any Wednesday night church service that they were devout religious folk, but I don't think my Uncle Jim would've told the congregation that he attempted to sexually assault me when I was 12, or my Uncle Edwyn would have told everyone how, he, started a church, himself, at one point but it never really took root, perhaps because whenever a black couple had tried to attend one of his Christian services he told them it was not for them, and invited them to leave and attend a, segregated, church across town, instead. The South is particularly good at 'keeping up appearances', at all costs, and, some, of those costs are high. Things are not always what they seem to be on the surface. No matter what people do or don't do, the truth seems to always come out in the end. Is anything, or anybody, what, they seem, to be, at face value? I don't even trust my gut, anymore, because I keep being shocked, on a regular basis, when I had thought that I knew, who, or what, I was dealing with. Who can I even trust?

The truth always comes out in the end, no matter how hard anyone tries to hide it or stop it. Lies are just a temporary delay. I think, God, intended it to be that way.

God is Truth, and, is a God of truth, so we can't really have one without the other.

The trouble is people seem to forget that they are sinners, and when people start to forget that fact, it fosters alot of, pride, and hypocrisy, in people, who begin to, then, regard themselves, their particular religious affiliation, and their friends and family, as being the 'true' Christians, but this or that person or religious group are not. That leads to them passing holier-than-thou judgements on others; losing an awareness that, GOD KNOWS, about every single person's sins and shortcomings, and it is HIM, that will be our final Judge, in the end. My pet peeve, is when these fellow Christians call out my sins and pride themselves on exposing what they see as mine, as they cover up (even while, simultaneously, demonstrating!) their own. Who the hell do they think they are, doing that to me? IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. However, even WHEN I KNOW, that they are DOING THAT, TO ME, I don't, usually, expose theirs, in that way, choosing instead to let the Lord 'sift them like wheat'*. I also leave alot of the crap to karma which has a way of leveling the playing field.

                                                             

I am 'real', so the 'perfect' people criticize and ostracize me for that, and I COULD CARE LESS! I just CONSIDER THE SOURCE. They, are showing ME, who THEY are.

                                                          

This post is about bullies, bitches and backstabbers and that includes some of my neighbors. A clique, of them, anyway. Thankfully, other people, here, are my true friends. They, are worth everything, to me, because, they allow me the right, and privilege, of being myself; and they, are my friend, WHEN THEY KNOW WHO I AM. What a BLESSING TRUE FRIENDS are IN THIS WORLD! They make our lives more meaningful, and more fun. I'm SO DEEPLY GRATEFUL to GOD for THEM in my life! As for these other hateful people who have defamed me and damaged my quality of life, by their gossip and rumors they have perpetrated and perpetuated against me, they will look me right in the eye, and say that, they are a GOOD Christian. I sit here, shaking my head, as I think back over, how they have mistreated me (as a fellow Christian, too!) in ways that one would normally think would only be done to someone's worst enemies; if then. These are, definitely, not things that, JESUS, would do. Why, is it, that people who have only been saved by God's GRACE, tend to be the ones not showing it to others? It causes an 'us against them' exclusivity. When people mistreat me my usual reaction is to shut them out of my life in order to protect myself from as much harm, from them, as possible. I learned to do this when I was made to be the scapegoat for my dysfunctional family, from the time I was a small child and couldn't possibly have been to blame for all of the toxicity in that unhappy home. I've acquired certain traits, that have become a part of who I am now, from the things people have put me through that broke my tender heart.

At my core, I'm much like a puppy who is so joyful and open, wanting to be loved, until they mistreat me, physically, emotionally and/or mentally. Then I shut down.

                                                             

I cherish my, personal, relationship with God, but I do not consider myself to be a 'religious' person. I see several ways that Man's religion damaged my relationship with God, and with others, and I read social media posts about this very issue, all the time, from people whose lives, and faith, have also, been deeply damaged, by the dissonance between, what a religion says, it will bring to our lives, and what it actually does. Just based on the results of that in my life, alone, I believe that the effect that religion has on human beings is more often than not, to force us into a false piety, that hinders us, from having the very freedom that Christ promised us that we would find, by knowing, and embracing, truth! I see religious dogma, and doctrine, as forces for destructive dysfunction in peoples' lives. There are so many different denominations within Christianity, and church splits occurring, within alot of those, as well. It seems fairly obvious, that, unity, and love, are lacking, among alot of churchgoers. From what I have read people saying online about Christians, many of them don't want anything at all to do with such human beings, and sadly, their God, because Christians, they observe, and experience, have horrified them! They don't see LOVE, or TRUTH, or anything else at all appealing, that would draw them in. The human heart, is hungry for, love, and acceptance; not judgement, or scorn. Below are comments that were posted online, which are some examples, of it. I simply went on a social media site and typed in 'Christian' just now to get the posts, shown, as I knew without a doubt, sadly, that these are all too easy to find.

@Ralpharmony

Spoke with some colleagues today about THE GOSPEL of Jesus... Then I noticed that Religion has done more damage than we can imagine... I mean, the minds of some people have been so damaged by religion, they see Christianity as a joke.

@BenjaminMoss116
I believe a lot of people oppose Christianity because they have been hurt and damaged by Christians.

@as_king55
There’s a person in my life who I’m convinced doesn’t like me solely because I’m Christian, even though I’ve made every effort to prove I’m not “one of those”. I’m sad! Not for me that this person doesn’t like me, I’m sad because people are so damaged by toxic Christianity

@mstarjd

If you want to know what’s wrong with so many Christians today, dip your toes into the Beth Moore timeline where tons of dudes are twisting themselves into pretzels to justify not loving others.

@yonglivingnow
Wow, don’t be like this POS - especially if you call yourself a Christian. His church must be guiding their patrons to do some bad stuff. It’s stuff like this that will polarize common people to become atheists.

@saintejoan

The entire SBC is under investigation for sexual abuse, and yet Southern Baptists are like “you know what the real problem is? Beth Moore.”

@OliviaCastetter
Replying to @saintejoan
Ah, yes, the classic "We can't blame the victims coming forward because we know they're telling the truth, so let's deflect to an empowered woman!" tactic.

@mccraechum

Christianity goes hand in hand with racism. Racism is enabled by Christianity. Not to mention misogyny and basically everything else bad. Stop enabling Christians and hold them accountable.

@dont_correct

White Christian Nationalists are not religious, they are an anti-American hate group. I feel bad for actual christians who have had their religion hijacked this way.

@Jane57Lisa

CHRISTIAN does not mean what it used to nor what it is supposed to mean. Not anymore. Might as well face it "Christians." The name, the image of Christianity has been forever changed and severely damaged by ... politics. This is what you've sacrificed for politics.

@TommasinaResist
Like the Pharisees... today’s evangelicals have damaged the name of Christianity by misusing the faith as a political weapon driven by greed & thirst for power.

@dbergstresser
Yeah, I’m a Christian, but I think that Christianity as a “brand” is being damaged by folks who use the religion as a hammer for beating up on folks, basically a tool for gratifying their own lusts for power and dominance.

@MrCasey62

St. John Eudes, on bad priests: “Instead of leading their people to God, they drag Christian souls into hell in their train. St. Gregory the Great says that priests and pastors will stand condemned before God as the murderers of any souls lost through neglect or silence.”

@AndrewRChapman
Sadly, some people are still damaged by this shit even decades after leaving Christianity. It is abusive.

@DrBobini
He is certainly no Christian. True Christians are followers of Christ, who would NEVER do hateful, harmful things to anyone, even nonbelievers. Christians are to love and care for others, second only to loving God.

@t1jediabetic
I don’t know. I feel like there is a God. But I’m so damaged by Christianity, it’s hard to grasp. I think religion and church are far too fucked up to fix.

@christianamillr

it absolutely boggles my mind how Christians can come up with all kinds of excuses for talking bad about someone behind their back.

@DrShamwell
Let them judge you.  Let  them  misunderstand  you.  Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity.  No matter what  they do  or say, don’t you  doubt  your worth.

@MindHaste

Never stop being a good person because of bad people.

@alli_processing
All the rejection and lack of love from the Christian community taught me the importance of loving myself.

@JD_Quotes2017

Don’t you hate when people can't see the wrong in their actions, but see the wrong in yours?!

                                                   

Men have broken my heart badly at times in my life. Not that women are any less heartbreaking, in how they treat me at times, but it's a different type of pain that they cause me, by the cessation of any chance of having a supportive sisterhood. Women can be so vicious, vindictive, and venomous toward any woman that they feel resentful of, for any reason, and they justify this behavior, to themselves and others, for little or no provocation, by the other female object of their, singular, or shared, scorn. >sigh!< The cat claws come out; and it can turn ugly immediately. Women are quick to 'size up (what they perceive as) the competition' and go into battle mode to secure their place in the pecking order of hens in the barnyard. In  a previous post I described my first experience with this type of thing when I was in junior high school, and I feel like I am back in junior high school now, with this. [See https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2022/02/you-will-always-have-lot-of-friends.html.] The shock, for me, though, comes from the fact that the females currently treating me this way are mostly senior citizens, in their 60s to 80s! I was, so looking forward to, sharing life with people in my age group, until I arrived at my destination, and was disliked, from Day One, of moving here, by women that couldn't control me, and didn't appreciate me voicing any opinions of my own unless it was to affirm, and strictly adhere to, their views. Because it is such a new lifestyle for me I had no idea that this type of 'retirement living' in my 'golden years' would be so fraught with such females, until I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone several months ago, now, and she told me that this syndrome was apparently 'a thing', in this type of largely-senior-adult-community.

https://www.seniorhomes.com/bullying-in-senior-living-communities/ "Bullying is an increasingly common problem among seniors. While the communal-living nature of senior living communities can open the door for the formation of cliques and similar social behaviors, even seniors living in their own homes independently can be subject to bullying within their social circles."

https://www.floridatoday.com/story/life/wellness/2021/10/26/bullying-common-among-seniors-including-assisted-living-facilities/6123165001/ "Examples of bullying behavior in older adults (in and out of senior living communities) may include criticizing, ridiculing or making jokes about another person, lying or gossiping about a peer, invading a person’s space, or offensive gestures and facial expressions. .... Senior communities that don't actively promote good conduct among residents can create a thriving environment for a bully.

When explaining why bullying occurs in seniors, Pennsylvania's former Secretary of Aging, Dr. Linda Rhodes notes that “...elder bullies might have exhibited this behavior during their lifetime. Aging factors such as loss of relationships, valued roles and feeling powerless... can exacerbate the need to exert control and ignite a late-life round of bullying behavior.”

You know how you tell when someone is miserable with their own life? It's when they are looking for ways to destroy someone else's life.

I sat, shocked, with the phone to my ear, as she informed me that bullying was a frequent issue among older people in such settings. I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THIS, and it was very bad news. At this point, in what appears to be, the devolution, of Mankind, based on all the stories we hear anymore from the local to international 

newscasts, and social media, I suppose, I should not have been so surprised, as I was, when she told me about this. After all, there was a news story just last week [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/aqib-talib-ex-nfl-stars-brother-sought-fatal-shooting-coach-mike-hickmon-youth-football-game/] that a man shot and killed a coach at a youth football game. "It all happened in front of the young kids - some younger than 9-years-old -  who were  playing  and  watching  the game. Another coach told  CBS Dallas  many of them  are now scarred. Mayes said, "Half of them couldn't sleep. They've been crying, worried, don't want  to play football.  I mean, what can you expect? They're nine, they're babies." So much about our society is so loveless now, in a way that, I never thought, I would see, or experience, in my lifetime. One thing is for sure, though. The stereotype has been shattered for me, of older women being 'sweet little old ladies'. I would sooner interact with a felon, that is armed and dangerous, than a female, in my age group, at this point. Both, can potentially do damage to me, only I can calculate the risk from the felon, and the, even irreparable, harm that they could cause me, but I wasn't at all prepared for, or anticipating any possibility of, the assault on my reputation from the clique.

People start hating you when they cannot control you.

In my case it started from my very first day here-- a move, that was a miracle of God, for me, that I had hoped would bring me the privacy and peace that I didn't get living in apartments in a big city. On paper and on the surface this new home was everything that I had cried out to God for, to feed my soul in the latter years of what has been a trying and traumatic life for me, the whole way through, with few exceptions. Only, it became, more of a, 'Be careful what you wish for', reality check, upon my arrival, after driving, myself, halfway across the country, in a 26' diesel rental moving truck. All alone. At 65. If I'm anything, I'm very independent and spunky. Even so, including because it was in the middle of a deadly pandemic that I encountered everywhere I went, I was scared. The journey had been a real white-knuckle ride, for me, for several reasons. But I KNEW that, ON THE OTHER END, of this trial and tribulation of a trip, God had the deepest desire of my heart waiting for me. An actual home-- of my very own! So late, in life, that were it not for the ABSOLUTE MIRACLE of THIS HAPPENING FOR ME by the GRACE of GOD, I would have most likely spent my entire time on Earth NEVER KNOWING what this FELT LIKE-- God GIVING ME an, ACTUAL, DEEP, 'DESIRE OF MY HEART', that was ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE, any other way, than by HIS doing this FOR ME! A year later, I am STILL IN AWE of it. I STILL feel like IT'S A DREAM that I have to pinch myself, to be sure that, IT IS REAL. When the unexpected and undesirable things started to happen, with this move, from the very start, I just held onto my FAITH that GOD DID THIS, FOR ME, and BECAUSE OF THAT, HE WOULD BE FAITHFUL to HELP ME, in this circumstance that I found myself in. NOTHING, AND NO ONE, IS PERFECT, in this world, so I don't understand people that will simply say that it is better for me to abandon this amazing blessing from God He did, just because it came with some very unpleasant, and unwanted, surprises, I've had to deal with.

Ignore the things your haters are saying, trust God and start praying.

Adult bullies target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity. If a new  [resident]  refuses to join an established clique, adult bullies target them. If new [residents] do not conform, they also may be targeted.

Because people tend to pass judgements on others in some very superficial ways  I know there are people here that THINK they know ALL THERE IS to know about me, yet really HAVE NO IDEA who I actually am, at my core, as far as my values. For one thing, I would never do to any of the people involved, in this clique, what they have done, to me. If I don't have a real rapport with someone that I meet, I simply don't interact with them, or associate with them, any more than I have to. But, I don't go around gossiping, about them, continually, in petty ways, or try to turn other people against them by a smear campaign. People are going to be who they are. Also, 'Water seeks its own level', as it is said. I have enough integrity to tell the truth about things, and I don't try to be vindictive toward people who hurt me. I have at least, responded, to these people, every time, they have spoken, to me, even while knowing full well how they have treated me; both, to my face and behind my back. I will continue to do that, although, I don't initiate conversations, and I am not interested in forming friendships, with these types of human beings.

@ML_Philosophy

Don't revenge, just cut them off.

Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There's nothing they won't tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship.

@Stopworkplacebu

You can survive a smear campaign... Go about your normal routines.. It will anger you more some days than others, but remember... Guilty people produce smear campaigns.. innocent people have no need...

People of integrity do not hide their reactions or opinions. They do not manipulate others through deception and they do not pretend to be something they are not.

Ever notice how people who don't tolerate lies, disrespect, or deceit are always labeled difficult, unstable, crazy or bitter?

No matter what people think of me, they will always peg me wrong, in some way.

People are so narrow in their thinking. I REALLY LOVE THE LORD. HE'S MY LIFE. I also, still like to dance around my house, doing some of the moves that I learned as a dancer in the nightclubs, decades ago. One thing doesn't make me religious, and the other thing doesn't make me a tramp or whatever other derogatory term that people love to hang on girls that worked in that job. As of this very day I am a woman who went 33 YEARS without KISSING any man until I kissed a man, not long ago, just to see if there was any way that I could actually become interested in him; but it was no use. There was nothing there at all, for me. No butterflies in my stomach, making my knees feel weak. That was the only 'sexual' thing I have done with ANY man for HALF MY LIFETIME, now! I haven't actually had sex for 25 years, and counting, too. I am THAT PICKY. My criteria, and standards, for such a thing, are that high. I know DANCER'S with HEARTS OF GOLD, and PASTORS that are WOMANIZING WEASELS. So, people don't, put other people down, because of FACTS. They put them down because of, BIAS, and JEALOUSY, and FEAR, and alot of other, dark emotions, THAT ARE DRIVING THEM to BE WHO THEY ARE. It is not really ABOUT, the one they are TEARING DOWN, with THEIR GOSSIP. They reveal, MUCH MORE about THEMSELVES, by behaving this way, than, about their TARGET.

                                                                                        

A friend told me once that my personality is a "joyful" one, and that is true of me, when people aren't bringing me down. I am just trying to have some lighthearted fun in my life-- especially as this pandemic drags on and on and on for years now with no end in sight, and other contagious diseases are also spreading, now, such as Monkeypox. I am a free-spirited individual, who is not at all prone to give in to peer pressure. My natural inclination is to live life as a loner, for the most part, as  I have found that, it is much more peaceful, that way, because with people comes drama. I am also a fairly cerebral individual who tends to think for myself most of the time. So, my disposition does not predispose me to want alot of people, in my private life, with their fingerprints, and footprints, all over, my sacred 'safe' space.

Trauma survivors often feel they don’t belong. Society condemns authenticity & vulnerability, yet both are necessary for a survivor to heal. When we are able to work through that trauma we find the safe belonging in ourselves & respect that  as the most sacred place to be.

@MindHaste

Privacy protects you from toxic people. 

                                                         

If I don't feel comfortable, BEING MYSELF, with someone, and I can't RELAX, with them, or feel like I can really TRUST them, then I don't want to, hang out with, or spend time socializing with, these people. I don't even want to interact with them at all, any more than is absolutely necessary. I really do not feel like I am ever all alone even though I'm physically isolated, especially given the ongoing pandemic, around 95% of the time now. I live my life with a continual awareness that God is with me, in spirit, and I talk to Him-- including out loud-- throughout every day. I also entertain myself in many ways. I talk to myself (ALSO, including, OUT LOUD) and I even do a variety of funny voices to amuse myself as well as adopt a variety of 'colorful' personas, and do whatever I am doing around the house in character! I LOVE TO LAUGH, including laughing at myself! Especially deep, full, belly laughs.

                   

@Stopworkplacebu

Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.

                                                                             

Sometimes, just because, I have a strong sense of humor, I will begin to 'debate', something, with myself (again, OUT LOUD), as I cook supper or such, and tell ME to STOP ARGUING with ME because SHE'S ENTITLED TO HER FEELINGS AND HER OPINION. Just things to make me laugh! I'm actually REALLY GOOD COMPANY for myself, so I am NEVER BORED. I have lots of interests and hobbies-- too many to have time for, actually. I am very curious, and am an advocate of lifelong learning about all kinds of things. I am fairly well-informed, intelligent, and eclectic. Many, things, interest and inspire me. I am better company (and, much more fun!) than most people that I meet will ever hope to be-- BY FAR-- so, their presence, in my life, is not particularly appealing to me and is of little to no necessity for the most part. I am VERY PICKY about WHO I ALLOW IN to my PRIVATE LIFE. ALWAYS. So, if someone was LET IN, to MY world, they can know with certainty that they were someone special to me. Maybe 1% of the people that I meet are someone I let in to my heart and my life. I do not TRUST anyone easily. That, TAKES ALOT, for me. I am a fun but flawed person and I shut down around people that have shown me that they can't-- or won't-- accept me as I am. I am on this earth to JUST BE 'ME' and the whole spectrum of attributes and attitudes, accomplishments and anxiety that goes along with that. NO ONE is perfect, despite how, they act as if they are, at times. I'm very much a LIVE AND LET LIVE person, unless and until someone's behaviors are affecting me or my life in a detrimental way. Then I will speak up or begin to avoid them like the plague. I've learned how to advocate for myself now.

                                                       

I will never hate anyone but I will distance myself from people who do not value me.

@Stopworkplacebu

Distancing yourself from anyone who makes you feel like your voice or feelings are irrelevant is key to your survival.

I don't know who needs to hear this but...You are not selfish for distancing yourself from the people that drain you, manipulate you, or hurt you.

It's not that I don't play well with others... I just don't play well with liars, users, thieves, manipulators, bullies and assholes.

I had been through so much, for so long, before, I ever moved here, including, in the apartment that I lived in, for 4, long, miserable, years, just prior, to this, that  I had actually doubted at times that I would ever LIVE TO SEE this MIRACLE, that God did for me, by blessing me with this home of my own. I was DESPERATELY in need of PEACE and PRIVACY, when I finally arrived here. Now comes my dilemma as to how to actually describe the clique members that have made my living here alot less welcoming than I had hoped. As I see it there are 3 different ways that I can do this. Normally I am very detailed in my descriptions of people and places I have been affected by in my life-- especially, those, that I would consider to have caused a 'dark night of the soul', for me, in some way-- as the behaviors of these people have surely done. Although, these adults are accountable for their actions, and these people have been a problematic, and painful, addition to the landscape of my life, they are nevertheless my neighbors. I do have some blog readers here also, and I have no desire to spread gossip in this community because there is far too much of that, already. So, I have removed the, detailed, descriptions of them. I also could have depicted it, using memes, alone, but, I have some things to say.

I, chose, to do this, because of who I AM, and for the sake of my home and of my community, that I am a part of now. Because it has so negatively affected my life, I have needed to write, this blog post, about it. Whether, it is, the behavior, of the clique, who have done this to me, or my decision about how I would approach the subject matter, here, given the situation, our actions speak louder than our words.

 

                                                                                      

Nobody trashes your name better than someone who's afraid you'll tell people the truth.

Gossip is one of the most hostile things you can do to another human being because you might be ruining the reputation of a good person. Don't say it unless you would be OK saying it in front of the person.

Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY LIFE IS LIKE NOW. WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

Someone here started a truly horrendous rumor, about me, that wasn't true at all, and not only defamed me, and my reputation, but one of the employees, here, as well, which, neither of us deserved. I cannot believe that, there are grown people, who do such, ugly, things, to one another; apparently, just for spite. Gossip which causes scandals is a very destructive thing. If I described, all of the incidents, and examples, you would be able to clearly see, for yourselves, that I've been, bullied, and backstabbed, by bitches. Their neighbor. Just someone that, they happen to live in close proximity to! We are not, FAMILY. We are not, FRIENDS. GOD KNOWS

WHAT THEY HAVE DONE, AND HOW THEY HAVE TREATED ME, THOUGH. HE ALSO, KNOWS, IF I ACTUALLY, DESERVED, HOW THEY TREATED ME. Nothing is HIDDEN!

I truly feel traumatized just thinking about what it's been like for me, with that, in the past year of my life. Detailing all of this won't make it stop, though. It is likely to continue for as long as the perpetrators of it live here. There are those that say the victim(s) of it should leave. (I am not the only one; just the MAIN one.) But it makes no sense, to say that, as if it's some solution, because 'haters gonna hate', and as long as, THEY ARE HERE, they will CONTINUE, to cause INNOCENT victims to suffer this fate, when they, unknowingly, move here right into the path of these people. These bullies, bitches, and backstabbers put others down to try to elevate themselves, but they're actually placing themselves below their victims when they do this. They are showing everyone what petty people they actually are. It is what it is. I feel sad for them, though-- that they're so insecure, fearful, jealous, mean, that they choose to spend the last, precious, years, months, or days they have on this earth, doing this, to someone, who has never done anything to them, but tell them, who I am, and how, I want, to live, my life. Strangely, that seems, to make them so unhappy! I just don't fit into their agenda, which they can't accept, about me. They each have wanted me to be a pushover, that they can control, while not acknowledging, or accepting, MY preferences, for how I wish to live MY OWN LIFE!

Funny how you became the villain in their story only after you stood up for yourself.

i can’t stress this enough. if you feel judged by them whenever you open up or share something personal about yourself, do yourself a favor and stop sharing things with them. especially after you’ve communicated that you dislike how they make you feel with their words.

@Stopworkplacebu

Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

If they don't value your boundaries, they were planning on manipulating you, and that's a form of control.

When you can't play the role they give you, they don't want you...

One minute they talk to you, the next minute they talk about you.... The funny part is they think you don't know...

"Agreeing to things just to keep the peace is actually a trauma response. When you do this you're disrespecting your boundaries. No more making yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable. You have control now. You run your life. Take up space and use your voice." ~DJ Love Light How to Stop Agreeing to Things That Aren't Good for You - Tiny Buddha

When people can't get want they want from you, they either cut you out, spread lies or recruit others to hate you. Ignore them because they are toxic for your soul.

By design, a narcissist presents their "truth" in places where it can't be held to any level of scrutiny by their targets and will only emerge from that controlled environment once they have recruited the flying monkeys they couldn't have otherwise obtained via full disclosure.

It is a massive red flag when someone tries to disconnect you from other people, for any reason.

It’s weird that when several people don’t like you they form into a group

I, inadvertently, activated their hostility, like stirring up a hornet's nest, simply by, thinking for myself, and expressing my own opinions. They haven't liked that they can't control who I am. They have, made sure that, I have, paid, the price, for my freedom from that control. They've turned people against me, including those who barely know me-- and even some that have never even met me! They told vicious rumors and lies about me. The main instigator of this smear campaign against me that amounts to defamation of character, even told people, including, a real friend of mine (who told me exactly what, she was saying, about me) to 'Just cut me off. Do not be friends with me. That, they (the clique), aren't, so this person shouldn't be either'. This person is in their 70s! THINK ABOUT THAT. They are NOT, in junior high school. I sit here, shaking my head, at, such behaviors, as I am typing this. I could give you so many examples, of the petty things they have put me through. I have decided, NOT, to DO THAT, AT THIS POINT, though, because, THIS PLACE, IS STILL MY HOME. MY HOME! So, I do not want to give too much attention to these, mean-spirited jerks, that blow the concept of elderly women being 'sweet little old ladies' right out of the water. I absolutely do take great comfort in the fact that, in the end, they HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD, FOR EVERY SINGLE THING THEY DO TO ME, AND THEIR OTHER TARGETS. Also, from what I'VE seen, KARMA, is a BIGGER BITCH than THEY ARE. Since I was a loner before I came here, and will likely stay that way, I don't feel the least bit 'deprived' by their shutting me out. Actually, it's kind of a RELIEF, after the interactions with these people, were so intrusive, in my life. I don't do well, with UNEXPECTED KNOCKS at MY DOOR. I am a VERY private person, about my home life. It is VERY SACRED, TO ME! I don't SHARE that 'SAFE' SPACE with JUST ANYBODY. I DECIDE, WHO GETS THAT PRIVILEGE, AND HONOR.

When you begin to set boundaries... think of it as a new chapter, where access into your life is by "invite only"

Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge or as a personal insult on them, and think that you are nothing but a problem, but in reality, it's their toxic or abusive behaviors that led to those boundaries in the first place.

I am not, at all, like the women in the clique, and I think, that, makes me special! I don't want to be like everyone else, with a 'herd mentality', or be, a cloned copy. My personality, in its "joyful" state (which, is 'me', unless someone has hurt me or made me mad by mistreating or disrespecting me, or someone else) is bright and bubbly. I have a very vivacious personality. These things about me are the reason why, I strongly suspect that, many, of these women, that keep, targeting me, are actually, jealous of me; threatened by me, for some reason. Not one of them, has anything or anybody that I would want, though. When I came here I was the very same 'ME', with the women, as I was with the men; but, the women did not react well, to that, so I naturally gravitated toward the men here, that accepted me, for 'me'. As a result, my closest friends here, so far, have been guys. I wasn't allowed to be MYSELF, by the women, and, I WAS NOT HAVING THAT! THESE are MY LAST YEARS to be ALL that I CAN be, WHILE I STILL CAN, and I want to experience ALL of it. I'm not living for anybody else but ME. If I don't live fully NOW, I NEVER will.

If not NOW, WHEN?

I feel, time ticking, more, than ever, before, in my life. Especially, with Covid, and such, on the scene, longevity is just not something that any of us at any age, can count on, anymore. I'm not going to spend my precious days of life being brought down by neighbors, that are not family and are not even friends, that I did not let control me or directly disrespect me, and I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF. The way I see it, these people, are AROUND my life, but they are not IN my life. I CHOOSE, who gets THAT PRIVILEGE, and, IT WILL NOT BE THEM. From what I've heard here, in conversations with other people, there is nobody, that likes, everybody, here. The clique members, were shut out of my life because of how THEY treated ME. There isn't ONE thing that ANY of them can EVER truly claim, that I DID, to THEM. I just stood up for myself, by setting boundaries, I need, in place, that they did not like.

Someone who uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their bad behavior is a person who is manipulative to their core. They will do anything to escape accountability for their crimes. Usually, by blaming the victims and using defamation to discredit victims.

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice. My bigness is not determined by my capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

To this day, there isn't one time, that they've spoken to me, that I haven't replied.

I have left it to them to speak first, because, in each case, they were the one that walked away from me, or turned on me, when I had been interacting with them. I find it very interesting that one of the things they brainwashed people with, about me, is saying that I am too talkative. By doing this they have created reactions in people to me that have caused them to treat me very rudely. It isn't even rational based on the facts. I spend 95% of my time alone, away from everyone here. I'm not saying anything at all to the very people that spread this rumor about me that makes people reactive to me in a negative way. These same women, interact with one another often on a daily basis. Those conversations last for varying lengths of time, up to, quite lengthy, ones-- much, longer, than I've ever spoken with any of them in the past-- as well as being much more frequently, than my loner self ever wanted to be involved in; which is, therefore, one of the things, I avoided, getting entangled in, when I moved here. Sometimes, it seems like the people, that have been recruited into this clique, don't think, for themselves, at all! They believe, all that they are told about me, without questioning it, and let it affect their behavior toward me, and their reactions to my trying to be friendly, with them. So, I finally just stopped trying. I haven't been to a single social event, here; initially, because of Covid, but, additionally, because, I've been traumatized by seeing residents act as if I'm anathema, to them, even when they have only met me, barely spoken to me, or don't even know me, at all. This woman's tongue, that turned these people against me, is the same tongue she uses to claim she's a Christian, and pray with. I am by no means perfect. I struggle against my own sinfulness, at times. But she has done this, to me, consistently, over a long span of time, showing no signs of a repentant heart. I've often wondered how she lives with herself or sleeps at night.

You cannot treat people like garbage and worship God at the same time.

"Rumors are created by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots." - Paulo Coelho

Rumors can make you dislike innocent people. Don't judge people off of what others are saying about them. Be wise, get to know them for yourself, then form your own opinion. The one talking to you, may be the one you need to stay away from.

Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story first was probably looking for a reason to be against you anyway.

@Stopworkplacebu

Only cowards blame the victims. It's their way of escaping accountability for their choice to commit a crime against you.

100% of bullies, sociopaths, narcissists, and manipulators who tell you you're too sensitive, are saying it because, they do not want to be held responsible, for your reaction, when they mistreat you... Criminals hate accountability.

When people hear, and accept, something as truth, they will act on that, even if it is actually not the truth; or not always, the truth. This clique, injected biases, into peoples' minds about me, that have affected their thoughts about me; therefore it has affected their behavior, toward me, and, rarely, do they give me the benefit of the doubt, and determine whether they like me for themselves. I come up against this barrier that the clique created to cause people to shut me out, here, all of the time. They've caused this to be an enormous obstacle, for me to overcome, which quite honestly, I'm often not willing or able to do. This clique has made things alot harder for me, for no reason, other than meanness. The, main, one, doing this, to me, is a churchgoing Christian. If they ever actually ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?", I doubt the answer would be that He would do these things to me. I'm also a Christian, and when I first moved here, this woman, and I, talked about our faith in God. So, SHE IS WELL AWARE, that she is treating another Christian these ways. I have endured this treatment ever since my first day, living here; just over a year ago, now. Sometimes, the, calculated, cruelty, of this, has taken my breath away. Especially after the unconscionable rumor was started that I accused a staff member of attempted rape, when NOTHING OF THE KIND, happened, like that, AT ALL, and I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! It was gut-wrenching, to hear this!

To know that, this, evil lie, was going around, and that people were believing that.

I have NEVER taken management's time, to tell them, MY SIDE OF THIS, so they could SEE that I haven't done ANYTHING TO THESE PEOPLE to warrant being the object of such malicious mudslinging. The one, that I've described, that has done the most damage, to me, from my first day here, and that knows, that I'm also a Christian, was known to me, from the beginning, for being who, and what, she is. Yet I saw several packages addressed to her, one day, shortly after I moved here, sitting on the porch outside of the office, and I took them to her, because it didn't seem that she knew they were there in the central delivery area. When I dropped them off, at her house, she told me that, her birthday, was coming up, very soon, and the date. Having moved here, only about 6 weeks before, this conversation, I was still social distancing, and taking, other precautions, because of, the Covid-19 pandemic. But I went home, and found a birthday card, and I took it around to as many other residents here as I could find, asking them to sign it, for her birthday.

That SAYS ALOT ABOUT ME because I was LITERALLY TERRIFIED OF COVID, back then, yet I was walking right up to anyone, I could find, to get her card filled with well wishes, and love, so that, she would have a wonderful birthday. Some, of the people, even snickered, to one another, right in front of me; actually, saying that, this new neighbor (me) that SHE DESPISES, is going around gathering signatures and statements on her birthday card, and that she would, therefore, NOT LIKE IT.

It was not a SECRET from ANYONE-- INCLUDING, ME-- that she intensely disliked me; and for no good reason. I had no illusions about that, or how she treated me behind my back. I just saw an opportunity to BLESS A FELLOW CHRISTIAN, and I did that. Even so I am NOT an 'ASS KISSER' AT ALL! I didn't do that so she would 'like' me. I DON'T LIKE HER. I think she's mean, and a fake. I was simply treating her as Jesus told me to: 'Love your neighbor as yourself; do good unto those who persecute you', etc. I would want somebody to give me a loving birthday card, so  I did that for HER, because, I LOVE THE LORD. I left it at her door. She knew that, I was the one behind it, because a couple of weeks after her birthday, when I was walking past her house, she finally thanked me for it, in a very offhanded manner. It didn't change a thing, in her heart, and I did not have any illusions at all, that it would. When, someone, is so willing, to hurt me, that much, in ALL the ways, that she has, deliberately, impacting my quality of life, here, negatively, most of which, I am not even mentioning here, there is no hope. I would NEVER TRUST HER now,

even if she DID suddenly ACT NICE toward me. She is the CONTROL FREAK, and I am the FREE SPIRIT. There is no middle ground, for these two POLAR OPPOSITES.

I keep my faith in GOD, through, all of these things, because I have the BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE BROUGHT ME HERE, for HIS PURPOSES, and I, ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY, TRUST HIM! So I am very happy to be here and waiting to see what God will do in my life, despite these and other difficult things. I am excited for my future, here! I see God doing alot of work on me, and in me. Some days I feel like I'm WORSE THAN EVER--- FRUSTRATED at my FAILINGS and struggling to believe that 'God is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me'. Other days, I see myself, growing and changing, for the better, in some ways, and I'm humbled, by that; in awe of how the Potter works this clay that is His daughter, Deborah, on the potter's wheel. I can see, some of the reasons, why God has brought me here.

I am getting to know some women here, now, too, that do not seem to have been tainted, so far, by the gossip and rumors about me that the clique has started and spread. Because of all that being done to me, I'm very traumatized, and tentative, about getting to know, anyone, here, anymore. It has really taken a toll on my life here. I live by, the Bible verse, Romans 8:28, though, and I take God at His Word! I know that I know that I know, that GOD DID THIS MIRACLE, and He brought me here, for His reasons. So, I was Called here, according to His Plan for me. Romans 8:28 says "And we know, that in all things, God works for the good, of those, who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." There is NOTHING, and NO ONE, on Earth that is PERFECT, INCLUDING HERE. I just try to STAY FOCUSED on TRUSTING GOD, and THANKING HIM, for all the POSITIVES about my life here!

I don't DENY or IGNORE the BAD THINGS, and VERY REAL CHALLENGES, that I've had to deal with, during this past year. I AM A REALIST. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I'm just determined to, live my own life, and be as happy, each day, as I possibly can. This clique CANNOT STEAL MY JOY, and they seem to have TRIED to do that MIGHTILY.

The Bible says, "For they sow the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind." (Hosea 8:7) and "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a person sows he will also reap." (Galatians 6:7) I'm just LIVING MY LIFE; not bothering them. God knows all things and searches all hearts. I am in His Hands not the cliques' hands.

                                               

* To 'sift as wheat' means to separate the grain from the chaff.

One Size Fits All: The Only Sin That Exists

Every single sin since Original Sin occurred in the Garden of Eden comes down to just one thing: selfishness. We face a constant challenge, because of it. Although we are born into this world with our sinful nature, that causes our egocentric self to want what we want when we want it, for ourselves, to be gratified, and feel as fulfilled as possible, as individuals, we are also, almost immediately, tempered by being taught generally acceptable socialization standards, as well as, constricting religious dogma, which tell us to, treat others as we would want to be treated, at the very least, and even strive for sacrificing our own wants and needs, for those of others. Whether you call it guidance, or guilt trips, optimization, or oppression, we must deal with being, continually, called on to be as selfless as possible. From the time we are toddlers, who hear the stern sound, of a "NO! NO!", for reaching out to grasp things we want, it seems that, we are always being told to subjugate our own desires, for the good of others. Since that goes against human nature, it creates a constant conflict in us, individually. We also see the ripples, and results, throughout society. Wars are fought for selfish reasons. Crimes are committed for selfish reasons. Corruption is caused by selfishness. Everything that is causing all the hurt and heartache on the earth comes down to the only sin that really exists.

The mother of all sins. Selfishness. It causes us to be in continual discord not only within ourselves, but with others, as well, as we struggle, however unsuccessfully, on any given day, to balance our craving with our caring. I for one am exhausted, by it. Despite what religious bigots, and hypocrites, try to yoke the rest of us into, while they are the ones most often exposed in the news, for being and doing what they tell the rest of us, not to do, lest we live in the heat of hellfire for all eternity, every single human being on this fallen planet, was, a sinner, is, a sinner, and will be, a sinner, in some form or fashion, every damn day of our lives. Making myself miserable by constantly putting other peoples' needs and wants ahead of my own burned me out, in recent years. I lived most of my life being excessively altruistic and I had nothing to show for it, in my own life, but being, used, exploited, toyed with, and abused by people that took all I had to offer them, drained me dry, and left me lifeless in my own soul after giving me NOTHING that I NEEDED in return. A poured out pitcher has nothing to offer anybody. I STILL haven't met ANYBODY that seems to take MY needs seriously, and respect them, and address them, in a way that is helpful, happy, and healing, for me. I just keep on being disappointed. If it's not, finally, MY TURN to have MY NEEDS met now, WHEN WILL IT EVER BE? It seems that people always want to get THEIR needs met AT MY EXPENSE, while disparaging MY normal human needs as just being sin, that I need to not indulge. The way I see it, my needs are unmet BECAUSE they SELFISHLY took what THEY needed from ME and left me hanging with more heartache adding insult to injury. They even throw me under the bus, while they're at it, rather than own their part in it all. I end up feeling, hurt, humiliated, and violated. I can't trust people, now.

Human beings tend to want to 'rank' sins, with the greatest being murder or some such thing, and the least being 'telling a little white lie'-- with, whatever, their own particular sins are often getting a free pass, in their rationale. I do this as much as any other person on the planet. It is something that I constantly struggle with and I have no doubt that many, if not most, others are having to grapple with this, too. We know, what our own weaknesses and temptations are, all too well, whether we act on those, or not. But, we tend to think, rather judgmentally, that somehow the other people should be so strong and virtuous at all times and under all conditions. What keeps us up at night usually isn't our own sins but those of others, that have affected us in some way. We each are the only human being that we can control or change, though. I can't speak for you, but I am only OH SO human (sigh!) and the nearly irresistible gravitational pull of some sin on me, sometimes causes me to be willing to throw all caution to the wind, and go for something that I am longing for.

I have been told to sit tight in my little Christian box and 'be a good little girl', and at some point, God would reward me for 'doing the right thing'. Well, I'm 66 years old now, and at this point in my life, my needs are still not met, and I am PAST MY BREAKING POINT, with being, able to, or really care, whether I, meet the needs of others, when it seems like, my doing that, is always at my expense, and my needs are, still, waiting. I'm sad and I'm mad, that other peoples' selfishness has caused me so much grief in my life; and that, they don't ever seem to care, about that, or own, their part in, breaking my heart. Their, behavior, basically, SETS OFF A BOMB in MY life, leaving DAMAGE and DEVASTATION behind. Playing with peoples' hearts should be ILLEGAL-- IT IS NOT A GAME. PLEASE, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T PLAY WITH ANOTHER PERSON'S HEART. It is so hard, and takes so long, to recover from that. If you just need your EGO STROKED, please, find some other way, to do that, than HURTING SOMEONE, WHO DEEPLY CARES ABOUT YOU. It is such an inequity.

I've managed not to sin more times than not, but 'doing without' is little comfort, when I am left with the cold, harsh, reality, of my moral compass directing me to  a place of deprivation where my deep desires are not met. We human beings are hungry creatures. We get strong cravings at times, that seem to get a hold of us, and drive our willpower into the ground; sometimes even wrecking our lives, and those of others, if we give in, to that. The alternative path is just as daunting, to my soul, though. Living life, almost all the time, without, the desires of my heart finding fulfillment, in the everyday reality of my existence, on this earth, is a sad truth, for me. I live my life the majority of the time, stuck in the most frustrating limbo, between not having my deepest desires met for a variety of circumstantial reasons, and what could or would happen if I didn't continue to be as disciplined, as I usually am about the temptation, and let myself 'go there'. There's good and bad to everything; no matter what. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. There is no completely 'Happily Ever After' on this fallen planet. I can congratulate myself that, due to my normally taking the moral high ground, the days of my life better prepare me to stand before the Judgement Throne of God one day. Surely He will see, appreciate, and even reward me, when I am trying my best, to do things His way. At least that is what, all the religious teachings, have led me to believe. This kind, of existence, leaves me feeling, so unfulfilled, and so miserable, sometimes, though, that there are days that, I think that I'd be better off, if He just called me Home, to Him, now! It just doesn't feel worth it, to me, to be living my life on this planet in a kind of, spiritual, 'survival mode', when what I consider to be, some of the most, basic, human needs, OF THE SOUL, aren't met-- really, EVER. The Bible tells us that, "The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23), but, to be totally honest, about it, LIFE has often left me feeling COMPLETELY SHORTCHANGED, with my list of UNMET NEEDS remaining, UNCHANGED, day, after day, week, after week, year, after year and even decade, after decade. 'Frustrated' is an UNDERSTATEMENT for me at this point. I am, absolutely, completely, thoroughly, BROKENHEARTED, now.

Although, I'm a Christian, I am honest, and keep it real. The way I figure it, God, already knows, everything, I'm thinking and feeling, anyway, so I am honest with Him, too. He IS a God of TRUTH, after all. It is RELIGION, that tries to train us to do all the 'religious posturing' that doesn't really resonate with what's going on in us, as real, flesh and blood, people, who are struggling with sin, every single day.  I CALL BULLSHIT, on the image I posted just above this paragraph. That is what I have been taught, my whole life, but, in my experience, it has been pure bullcrap. I did ALOT MORE FOR PEOPLE than they EVER did for ME, with NOTHING to show for that. Sure, I could feel like I did 'good deeds' for all of them, but MY TURN TO HAVE MY NEEDS MET NEVER SEEMED TO COME-- TO THIS DAY. Because of that I try NOT to involve myself in OTHER PEOPLES' NEEDS, at this point. Let somebody else take a turn at meeting all those things for others. I need to MEET MINE NOW.

ALL the things that I was taught along the way, that I am to DO, in order to HAVE a HAPPY life, HAVE NOT WORKED FOR ME. I would think that, BY NOW, at age 66, there would have been SOMETHING GOOD, to SHOW FOR all of that self-sacrifice, and good works. Sure, I have really messed up at times, and have had seasons of moral lapses, in judgment, and behavior, along the way, but for the large majority of the time, I have acted altruistically, and unselfishly, and even, courageously, on behalf of others; sometimes LETTING GO of WHAT I HAD because it was the BEST thing to do-- for THOSE THAT, I LOVED-- INCLUDING, my LETTING GO of THEM. I have covered all of this in blog posts over the years. 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' has NOT WORKED FOR ME. Being a good person, thereby sowing good seeds, in good soil, has not worked, for me. Sending out good things so that karma would reward that, has not worked for me. NOTHING HAS WORKED FOR ME! If there was any way for good things to be thwarted, that is exactly what has happened, in my life. I even made many, unselfish, decisions to let go of what (little) I DID have, so that OTHERS could have THEIR best chances, for happiness. Doing that NEARLY KILLED ME, but, I DID IT ANYWAY, RATHER THAN, BE SELFISH and keep 'mine', when it wasn't what was best, for the others involved. Even so, it seems that MY TURN has NEVER COME. I feel tears in my eyes typing that. Why is it so difficult as to seem impossible for me to have the things in life that almost all human beings seem to take for granted, as being their birthright? Basic blessings, of life on earth. It does something, to a person, when they don't experience those things. I have learned to be good at meeting all of my own needs-- as much, as is possible, with that. But we were designed to meet one another's needs, to a large extent, and I never seem to encounter the people who can, really, do that, for me. What they want is not what I want. Or, I want what they are, but they are not in a position to give that to me. So, I see, that, they exist, but, that, does ME no good!

Doing the 'right' thing, is small comfort, when, knowing that, I did that, yet again, is ALL, that I have, to show, for the situation. Any 'heavenly rewards' seem, so far away, and are little comfort to me now, as I struggle to live with the stress of such constant frustration. I saw this tweet online, recently, and it really resonated, with me, at this point: "More like what could possibly go right?" I am exhausted in my SOUL at this point. I mean, JUST REALLY BURNED OUT. Twice in recent weeks, I have opened up a bottle of Riunite (which I consider the taste of, to be, 'kool-aid with a kick'), and drank it down, within minutes; without bothering to use a glass. This is after not drinking more than a couple of beers, total, in the last 25 years. I am not doing well, overall, right now. I'm crumbling under the strain of what I call Bullcrap Overload. People bring their shit into my life, but nothing that will soothe, or save, me, and I just can't handle any more heartbreak, in my life, at this point! If you have read my blog posts over the years you should know why this would be the case for me, after all that. I AM COMPLETELY BROKEN. I am not STANDING so much, anymore, as I am REELING, punch-drunk (even, without the wine), from all the BLOWS TO MY SOUL, that I have SUFFERED IN THIS LIFE. I'm terrified now of what could happen if ANYONE adds, even ONE MORE STRAW, to this camel's back. I have had to spend my entire life, being a STRONG person, from the time I was a little girl and realized that, I was caught in the middle of my parents very troubled relationship. I NEED A HUG! I NEED a 'SAFE' place to JUST BE ME, and not have to warily watch my back, around bitches, and backstabbers. I NEED PRIVACY. I NEED PEACE. I NEED to be ABLE to FINALLY have MY needs met-- without, that, being a 'sin'. I live in a world that seems to be populated with the wrong people that don't or, for whatever reason, can't, give me what I need, in the relationship with them. I AM POURED OUT, at this point! I am, SO TIRED, of NOT HAVING MY NEEDS MET, and being treated like IT IS 'SINFUL' that I EVEN NEED THEM TO BE. I am human!

WHEN IS IT EVER MY TURN? It feels CRUEL to me to KEEP BEING DENIED, by the 'guilt trip', of 'sin'. Other people have fairly easily, and apparently with no pang of conscience-- which adds insult to injury-- sinned at my expense, leaving me more broken than ever. It TAKES SO MUCH, for me to TRUST anyone, at this point, and when I do, I REGRET IT ALMOST EVERY TIME. I can't help but wonder, if they had been on the receiving end, of what they have done to me, if they would like being treated the way that they have treated me. The half-first-cousin, who was told, to protect me, when I went away to college, but, compromised my virginity, causing me to drop out of school and marry him, when I did not even love him, was being selfish. The stranger, who raped me in his pickup truck, while telling me as he did so, that he 'just wanted to know if I could LOVE', was being selfish. I'm the victim of ONE sin, and one sin only. Selfishness. I, have been selfish, too, at times, but I have apparently been alot better at NOT DOING THAT to other people than alot of other people are at NOT DOING THAT to ME. I am to the point now, based on how things have gone for me, up until this point in my life, that even under the threat, of hell, for 'misbehaving', I don't think I can hold on any longer with MY needs not being met. SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE. I AM ONLY HUMAN. The DEPRIVATION is DAMAGING ME. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I can't win no matter what I DO or DON'T do. My SOUL is DRIED UP from DESPAIR at this point.

This blog is about my going through, multiple, dark nights of the soul. This is one, of those times. When I've passed by people on the street, sitting on the curb, and sipping wine out of a paper bag, I've often wondered what their lives were like up until this happened to them. They had to have had parents or at least caregivers. Did they get hugs? Did their teachers in school, identify their strengths and skills, which everyone has some of, and encourage and inspire them to be at their best? Did somebody badly break their heart, when they were an adult, wanting a home and a family of their own? Did their employer, screw them over, some way, out of greed, or indifference to their contribution, to the company? Did their friend offer  a drug to them, when they were vulnerable, telling them, it would make all of the pain go away, and now, they can't do without that drug, because, the withdrawal, is so excruciating? How on earth did they end up sitting in ragged, smelly clothes and their own urine, and vomit, as other people pass by them, turning away, and showing no compassion, as if this isn't another, actual, human being. Repulsed at the sight. Everyone has a story. Things, they have lived through, that have made them the person they are, today. Right now, I have a 3rd bottle of wine chilled in the fridge, just waiting, for the next day that, I just want to numb the pain, I feel from my broken heart, because, it is searing my soul, every minute, of every day, right now, and it gets to be MORE than I CAN COPE WITH at times, anymore. I'm well-trained in having to live with heartbreak in my life. It's actually NORMAL FOR ME now, to live that way. I just, foolishly, thought that, IT WAS FINALLY MY TURN to have the things that make life so sweet, that I still desire, in my heart. What is hindering that, is the selfishness of other people. People that have gossiped about me, after I wouldn't let them in to my inner sanctuary, of peace, and privacy, that I want MY home to be-- because, THAT IS WHAT I NEED, NOW. Others, awakened emotions in me, that have caused me to be in complete turmoil; then, thrown me under the bus, by not owning that, they did this, to me. Others have shut me out, simply because, SOMEONE ELSE, TOLD THEM TO, even though, THEY don't KNOW me, themselves, to have made, their own decision, about me. There has not been alot of 'treating me like they would want to be treated', but they all seem quick to criticize ME, for how I have REACTED, to BEING TREATED THESE WAYS. Fuck that.

With SO MUCH SELFISHNESS in the world, it doesn't seem that I have much hope of anyone REALLY CARING ENOUGH to meet MY needs. Because of that, I have, at least, finally gotten more selfish, myself, about addressing MY OWN NEEDS before I even contemplate meeting anyone else's. Even so, because of a lifetime of being brainwashed, to always try to put others' needs ahead of my own, there are times that I STILL allow myself to be inconvenienced, or even, harmed, in some way, by a person who crosses my path, and expresses an unmet need that they have, and I 'rise to the occasion', to try to help them with that, in whatever way that I can. I often end up regretting that, now, though, because I not only go out of my way to help them feel better about their situation (that has nothing really to do with me), but I somehow end up paying a price, for my making that selfless effort, for them. I'm still struggling to allow myself to become much more proactive, about, making sure, that I meet, my own needs, first and foremost, since, nobody else, seems to want to do that for me; because my social conditioning has caused me to feel it is wrong, to advocate for myself, and for what I need. I became, terribly burned out, by living life as a self-sacrificing person. No one, really appreciated that I did that, for them, and I became increasingly resentful because those same people couldn't be bothered to meet any of my needs-- if I even dared, to express, any of those. I made some very different choices, when I moved to a new location, after realizing that no one will ever have my best interests at heart MORE THAN I DO; and likely, they WON'T EVEN COME CLOSE to caring about my needs compared to their own.

I make sure, not to get entrenched in, and therefore, weighed down by, the lives, and problems, of others, unless, it is, someone that I, really do, care about; what they are going through. These, are the last years of my life. It's now or never, for me, to focus on GETTING MY NEEDS MET, before I simply RUN OUT OF TIME, and IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME. If I squander these days, continuing in the same old self-sacrificial way, that I always used to, live my life like, I would have no one else to blame, for my not having my needs met, except, for myself; and, I know, I would feel bitter about letting that happen, if I could have helped it not be that way, but didn't do that, for myself. I can't make other people care about or bother to meet my needs, but I can make myself care about that and spend my time in the ways that help me to reach that goal, as much as possible. I have to MAKE THIS be MY TIME; be MY TURN. Nobody else wakes up really thinking or caring about whether my needs are met or not. There's a selfishness to human nature but we also have to advocate for ourselves, and for our own needs, especially, when no one else is. While, all, selfishness, could be considered sin, by someone who isn't getting their needs met, by others, because of it, I think, it is sin when, our being selfish, hurts another person, because we wanted what we wanted for ourselves and didn't care about the effect that could or would have on others. Driving drunk, is an example.

In full disclosure, I have no idea whether this post will even be coherent. Not only has my internet been a nightmare, recently, being extremely slow, freezing up, or crashing altogether, but I am also just so broken, right now. Even as articulate as  I am, I HAVE NO WORDS, which can describe my current sadness and pain. I just have to HELP MYSELF get through it, by God's Grace, and maybe, more bottles of wine, to, at least, leave me numb enough to get the giggles for awhile, instead of crying so much, because my heart is so broken. Not long ago, I was so "joyful". I laughed, often and easily, and I felt like I could finally have a brighter future, and that it would FINALLY BE MY TURN, for MY UNMET NEEDS to be MET. Now, I hope  that, I can survive, each day, while I don't feel the least bit certain, that I can. All  I know for sure, is that, I HAVE TO. By God's Grace, somehow, some way, I HAVE TO. I have to continue the journey, that God's Called me to, in faith, and trust, in Him. I am NOT, by any means, a 'saint', as in, a PERFECT PERSON. Nor do I want to be such, an obviously fake, specimen of humanity. I just, love, and trust, GOD. He's brought me through every trial and tribulation in my life, and it comforts me to know that He will see me through my present challenges, as well. I got hurt by the selfishness of others, but I got hurt by my own selfishness, too. I don't know, if, or when, it will ever BE MY TURN to get MY needs met, finally. But, I know that  I can TRUTHFULLY say before God that I NEVER WANTED THEM MET at somebody else's expense. I could NEVER be happy if HAVING that COST SOMEBODY THEIRS. So, in some ways, such as advocating for myself, and my own needs, I am selfish, but in other ways, I STILL refuse to be selfish, if it costs somebody, what is theirs. Surely, at SOME point, God has something FOR ME. I am a VERY UNIQUE woman, so I absolutely believe, that, even though, I'm DAMAGED GOODS, because of all I have been through, in my life, and therefore, I'M ALOT, to DEAL WITH, I will be, a BLESSING, to the right person. I told my friend, Erik, the other day, as we talked, that somebody will get TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE, with me, because, I am two VERY DIFFERENT WOMEN, in one body. Deb, who is tenderhearted and fragile and Stevie, my dancer alter ego, who 'takes no prisoners', and can be 'hell on wheels'!

My mind, is a mess, and a maze, right now, readers, but, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I will try my best to do better by next month's post. This is the BEST I can DO for now.