I'm Longing For Peace In Turbulent Times

These are turbulent times.

Upheaval, and uncertainty, and strife, seem to be everywhere. There's simply no escaping it anymore, as much as I would like to because I'm burned out by it all. More than anything in the world I would just like to have some real PEACE in my life. That precious privilege has eluded me for most of my life. I burst into tears, today, from feeling totally tired of trying to attain that, because it just seems so, impossible, to me, now, to either find it or keep it. It seems like such a waste of my limited energy to expend the effort to even try to find it or have it. It seems pointless to me to try to get there, from where I am, mentally, and emotionally, almost all the time, anymore. I feel so depleted, even drained dry, at this point, from trying so hard for so long to achieve even a miniscule measure of peace. I just teared up, again, typing that sentence. I am struggling to see my computer screen and keyboard, through my eyes filling with tears, which are now trickling down my cheeks. I have longed for loving relationships my whole life because of coming from a family that was not affectionate, or even particularly affirming. It left me with such a hunger in my soul, to know what the warmth and joy of that would be like; and I am far from the only one. This is such a love-starved world.

Bars exist because people are seeking some peace of mind. There may be longing for love involved, or many other reasons, that patrons come through the doors of those establishments, including, a craving for some excitement, of some sort. But when it is all said and done, if they achieve their goal, whatever that is, they gain some peace of mind. At least, for awhile, and, usually, ahead, of any hangover, or regret sinking in. Churches exist because of people wanting to find some peace of mind. 'Comfort food'* is called that because it brings people peace of mind. When someone inflicts self-harm by cutting themselves, they do it to distract them from mental or emotional anguish, in order to obtain even temporary peace, by feeling some relief, in their troubled soul, despite it being a desperate, and dysfunctional, act, on their part, which has no positive, long term, benefits, for their overall well-being. Whether we're seeking peace through relationships, food, some sort of self-harm, reassurances about eternity, or a lot of other things, what we are craving is that peace. How can anyone possibly find, and hold on to, pervasive or permanent peace, while living life on this planet, that's becoming more turbulent all the time?

The Bible has many verses that say it is indeed possible to live and walk in peace while being on this planet. I have never found any way to do that for longer than mere moments, though, all things taken into account about my life with all of its heartbreak, deprivation, terror, and trauma. Having a deep and profound faith in God and His Grace and Mercy has helped me to have the moments of peace, that  I cling to as my strong, sure foundation as I go about living life in this constantly convulsing world, but it doesn't shut out all the sadness and strife that affect me so deeply, which come from the conflict and chaos, that pervade the planet, now.  I can barely stand to watch the news anymore because it is so anxiety-producing for me. Everything seems to be experiencing a constant crisis: shockingly severe weather events, that many say are due to global warming approaching a point of no return, important elections which will have an impact on everything about our lives, in some way or another, acts of violence, that we have seen are possible to occur, without warning, anywhere, anytime, and, mutating, viruses, that are mild for some, but deadly for others, and there is simply no way to calculate, how this  might affect us, if we become ill. Even, deep faith in God, offers no guarantee, of the outcome, should such things happen to us. The gift of life is far more fragile, than we seem to realize, necessitating, at least for me, that it's always held with deep gratitude and an open hand, even amidst all that is distressing, depressing, and dismaying. For me this is easier said than done, though, and I confess that I have given way to pure despair at times. Especially in recent years, as I confront the uncertainties and unknowns that come with aging and the implications of the many ways that this issue alone can cause disruption, and destruction, to my life. I'm a loner, who lives without much of a support system. Health, financial, or any number of issues can develop into something which prevents me from continuing to maintain my lifestyle in the way I prefer it to be, which would affect my peace. 

The entire world is continually trying to achieve peace. It's just how we go about it that differs so greatly. Some people marry because they seek a peace that a sense of security brings, while others, divorce their spouse, to find peace for themselves, since they didn't find peace in the relationship. Wars are started because someone seeks their own peace at the expense of someone else's. Homes are built, to have the peacefulness of privacy, that flooding and fires demolish. I doubt there is even one American parent of school age children that sends their kids to school without having at least some subconscious apprehension about the possibility of a shooter.

Peace, offers humanity the best chance for survival, and prosperity. Proverbs 17:1 in the Bible (Contemporary English Version) says that, "A dry crust of bread eaten in peace and quiet is better than a feast eaten where everyone argues." There are people we depend on in our communities to keep the peace, including when there are others who are disturbing the peace. Without peace there is no, real, sense of security. Right now, in my personal life, and in America and throughout the world, there are so many threats to peace. The reason that I keep to myself so much, is to try to have, and maintain, my sense of peacefulness, if at all possible. I began to live this way-- as, a loner-- when I was a child, growing up in a household that didn't ever feel truly peaceful to me, at all, or anything else, that was particularly positive. Keeping to myself was a quiet act of desperation, to try, to minimize the damage done to my soul, from sensing the constant undercurrent of tension from the dysfunction of the family dynamic. I never felt emotionally, or mentally, 'safe' in that environment. To this day, I shut down around and shun anyone that gives me that feeling. Even so, it is nearly impossible for me to find much peace inside my own home, all alone, because of 24/7 news and other stressful shows, on the television and on the internet. Everything going on throughout the entire world is almost all reported on, by someone somewhere, making its way into news feeds. Because much of the news affects me, to some degree or other, I feel like I can't just look away, or 'unplug', from seeing or hearing all these things, even as I feel my stress level and blood pressure elevating as I try to assess the implications of it all. We live in a world where mutually assured destruction is a possibility at any time, and some people get into politics for personal gain, rather than for altruistic reasons. If those, who are in control of the situation, aren't caring and careful, we could face things that, if we survived them, would, annihilate, our sense of peace. I long for peace, but I am at the mercy of others, who may not value it, so highly.

There is truth to the saying that 'Ignorance is bliss.' Little children wave at anyone and hug everyone. Then they are taught biases and prejudices. They get hurt, and maybe even violated in some way that scars them for life, by the people they care about and trusted. Their youthful optimism gets severely challenged, as their view of this world they live in enlarges with new information and understanding. I recall how shocked and sad I felt, as a high school student, when we were shown a film,

about the atomic bomb, and the devastating destruction that weapon caused. The realization of such a thing being unleashed on this planet was hard for me to bear.

Now, I know so much more, about human nature and politics and governance and wars. I don't have the luxury of any naivete regarding what's at stake and what is possible. Underneath this and other overarching threats to my very existence, I'm just trying to be as happy as possible, given my situation. As the years gave gone by, that has gotten a lot harder for me. I have more financial vulnerabilities now. I have more health issues now. I have less time in my lifespan now. These facts and more, crowd into my thoughts, and emotions, at random times, on any given day.

I try to focus on the positives and there are many of those but it's a daily struggle and a constant challenge. Music helps. Exercise helps. Laughing helps. Nature, can help, such as when I hear beautiful birdsongs outside my window. But underneath everything is my feeling of frustration that some of my deepest heart's desires are not happening for me, and perhaps never will happen for me. Especially given the world as it is now. Even the fact that thousands of men in my age group died, in a war, as young men, depriving thousands of women from the chance of knowing or loving them, very possibly including me, makes me both sad and angry. It may be the sole reason that I never met my Mr. Right. Guys who were just ahead of me in school were drafted to fight in Vietnam. What was really accomplished with all the sacrifice of those lives? Those men could have loved and been loved, instead of it. I have, still, NEVER KNOWN, what BEING LOVED, WELL, BY SOMEONE feels like. I often think about those men, that died in the war of my generation, because of it.

                                                                                  

Although stress enters my life though the media inside my home, the most stress for me has always come from interacting with other people. I have come to dread it, because it is so often such a letdown to me, and even worse, does me damage in ways. I have been truly traumatized by peoples' treatment of me, which affects me a lot. Perhaps their behavior is how they handle their own lack of peace, but I can't handle more cruel blows to my psyche, at this point, so I mostly avoid other human beings, now, to try to avoid additional harm being inflicted on me by them.

That creates a conflict inside me, though, because I can't find my person, or other loving, and nurturing, relationships, if I do not go outside my house and socialize. I can either, cut my losses, or take a risk. I have become very risk averse, though.

I do think it's vital to not expose myself to people who have shown me that, they are not for me, and do not have my best interests at heart. I will NEVER want to be around or socialize with people that I don't genuinely enjoy their company. It isn't worth it to me to settle for that. I would rather do without altogether. If I'm not blessed by someone's presence in my life, then I prefer their absence. I love  to smile and laugh! The people that I most enjoy being with are those who bring laughter to my life. The person that I have loved most, was someone who made me laugh, so easily, and so often. They were such a blessing to me because of it.

Most of my life is lived now, so I am more selective than ever about who I spend my time with. I realize, more than ever, how very, very, precious time itself is. If someone or something does not make me happy, I don't want it in my life, at all.

I think that everyone wants peace, but when someone takes it at someone else's expense, it will never truly be peace; for them, or for the one(s) they deprived of it. That often has both unforeseen consequences and a ripple effect on more than just the person(s) they took peace away from to have their own at their expense. These are people who want something else, more than they want to live in peace. For me, I gauge the 'success' of my day based on how peaceful it was, as well as how productive. I always feel better on the days I get things done, but I only feel it was a 'good' day if I came through it maintaining my sense of personal peace. I have a lot of daily struggles, with anxiety, and OCD, and sometimes, even darker, things, like depression, and despondency, so it is really notable and unfortunately rare, in these times, if I get through a day feeling relatively at peace in my world.

 

Having a home of my own is a haven for me for having more peace in my life, for many reasons, but because of the viciousness of the clique defamation of me with all the gossip, and lies, that has turned so many against me, I have been, terribly traumatized, here, too. So, the bad has canceled out the good, so far, and I am in an 'existing' mode, rather than a 'living fully' mode, as I try to deal with the huge drain on my soul, of all that evil that has been unleashed against me here, mostly by OTHER CHRISTIANS, who SHOULD know, they are ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD, for this. I have called the Veterans Crisis Line, many times, because of the distress it causes me, and I have telehealth counseling sessions with a mental health doctor due to it, also. This situation has sadly stolen my joy, which I really miss having. I love the sense of security I get in the peace and quiet of my own home, but peace is hard to have even with the shades drawn and the door locked, because of being

surrounded by these people. I am in constant emotional conflict because my home is the BEST earthly blessing God's EVER given me but the community the house is in does not feel 'safe' for me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes, physically. My faith in God, is what's kept me, through all this, and my knowing that, He blessed me with my home. It will be, three years, in August, that I came here, because of God blessing me with my house, but this campaign of cruelty, against me, started MY VERY FIRST DAY here. It has REALLY TAKEN A TOLL ON ME. I have asked God, at times, if He has changed His Will that I be here, but He CONTINUES to TELL me that HE HAS A REASON for ME to be HERE, and HE DOES NOT LIE, so I trust Him.

PEACE is VERY HARD to FIND here, for me, but GOD is my peace, especially when I can't find it in my circumstances or situation. I can tell you for a fact I would not have made it this far in my life, or living in this kind of heartbreaking meanness, if it were not for God being my life, my everything, and my all in all! My attempts to find peace, in other ways, have not gone very well. I often end up getting agitated

BECAUSE I am trying to center myself, in a sense of peace, but, it is ELUDING me. I usually do better when, I just, cry to out God, for his Grace, to help me, because IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE, in my day. There is nothing like the Grace of God!

Rather than STRUGGLING TO FIND PEACE, I just RECEIVE HIS PEACE, as a gift, to me, and as long as I REST IN THAT PEACE, it REMAINS, WITH ME, throughout, the day. If I start fussing and fretting, that amazing Grace lifts from me, leaving me to struggle, in my own strength, because of taking my focus off of God. It is nowhere close to being adequate to deal with all of the stress in my life now, though, that's

constantly coming from so many sources, of all sizes. God's GRACE is what makes EVERYTHING easier to bear, easier to cope with, easier to do, and easier to rejoice in, despite the trials and tribulations that come with these things. I am grateful to God, but even more than that, I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD. HE is truly, my all in all.

 

Amazing Grace 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

*Comfort food- food that provides consolation or a feeling of well-being, typically any with a high sugar or other carbohydrate content and associated with childhood or home cooking.

Sincerely, Deb

I'm starving for sincerity.



Sincerity: the quality of being open and truthful, not deceitful or hypocritical.

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Sincerity makes the very least person to be of more value than the most talented hypocrite. — Charles Spurgeon

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So often, people only say what they think they 'should' say, making it difficult if not impossible to form a real rapport or close connection with them. I feel like I am at some endless masquerade where I never really know who, or what, I am truly dealing with, from what people show me or don't show me about who they actually are. The uncertainty, leaves me feeling unsafe around them. It is a type  of torment to my soul. It is distressing and even depressing for me to feel like I never know who is friend or foe behind their façade. I need something sure and stable to at least know where I stand with someone. Dealing with people drains me, because I constantly feel like I have to tentatively tiptoe around a minefield  of unrevealed truths that nevertheless affect the interactions, and relationship if there is one, with these other people. It is not fun for me. It's even scary to me.

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We want deeper sincerity of motive, a greater courage in speech and earnestness in action. — Sarojini Naidu

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I've had formerly friendly people blow up in my face and even scream at me for simply being real, with them, and telling them my truth. So many people are so afraid of the truth! I genuinely don't understand that. It bewilders me, to see so many people acting so threatened by it and even terrified of it that they are not only willing but determined to avoid it at all costs, whether that is speaking it or hearing it from someone else like me. It is clear to me that they are afraid of it,  for whatever reason. It's also clear to me that their hostility to the truth when I speak it is a form of censorship and control, toward me. They shut me down, to shut it down. People often pose as what they want others to think they are. The pretense indicates a form of self-loathing because it signifies they believe, to be loved, or even just accepted, they cannot, and must not, be known for who they are. All of us are flawed, imperfect people. There's simply no getting around this fact. But to disguise oneself, by deception, is to go through life never having the joy of being known, liked, and loved, for who you are. To me, it is a tragedy, for  all of us who participate in this socially sanctioned game. I would rather be liked and loved as who I am than to have someone like or love some act that I put on  to manipulate their assessment, and acceptance, of me, that would not really be feelings for ME, at all. A pathetic but profound fear drives people to avoid taking their masks off with one another at the expense of having true connections. The social awkwardness this causes makes me uncomfortable interacting with others. More often than not, I choose to simply avoid as many engagements as possible.

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Sincerity is an openness of heart; we find it in very few people; what we usually see is only an artful dissimulation to win the confidence of others. — Francois de la Rochefoucauld

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I seek real, genuine, let-your-guard-down, mentally, emotionally, and, physically, safe, relationships. Anything else traumatizes me, leaving scars on my psyche. It isn't worth it to me to try to get to know someone, or interact with someone, and be the worse for wear when it is all said and done between us. I cut my losses, or try to, by staying away from people who seem to be a liability to me more than a blessing. Sometimes people can surprise me though, and be the total opposite of who I thought they were, whether better or worse, than I thought, causing me to second-guess my ability to know who is being real with me. That concern, adds a motivation for me to not open up to people at all, since I can't figure out who is a person of genuinely goodwill toward me and who has a selfish, or even a sinister, agenda. The most painful of these shocks to my system are when someone that I really liked, and trusted, betrays me, in some way, showing me that they weren't who I thought they were, and that I had actually given them way too much credit for being a better human being than they turned out to be, in truth. I got burned.

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I want people to be sincere; a man of honor shouldn't speak a single word that doesn't come straight from his heart. — Moliere

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From my perspective, I can't figure out why truth, honesty, and just being real, in relationships with one another, does not seem to be as important, to a lot of other people, as it is to me. My Christian background, and a biblical perspective, taught me that God Himself is Truth personified, so that makes living, and being, in truth part of our being made in the likeness of God, as scripture says we are. We honor God, and others, then, by being sincere in all our dealings with one another. I can fully trust God, because I know that He is Truth, and will never manipulate me, or lie to me, like people do. Their lack of sincerity shuts me down. It makes me sad.

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Simplicity and sincerity generally go hand in hand, as both proceed from a love of truth. — Mary Wollstonecraft

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2 Corinthians 1:12 - For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you.

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Sincerity and truth are the basis of every virtue. — Confucius

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When I read descriptions of the traits of an Aquarius, almost all, of them fit me. I don't prefer going out, and partying and such, to being at home, though. I like to be home more than anyplace else! Perhaps, the reason for this Aquarian anomaly about me, is the very thing I am describing about my longing to experience more sincerity in people. Astrology sites say that "Aquarius value honesty and sincerity in relationships" and "Aquarius sincerity shines through in relationships.  Genuine emotions  are  their  currency,  and  they  have little tolerance for mind games or hidden feelings. When they care about someone their expressions of affection are honest and open so with an Aquarius you can expect genuine communication and heartfelt connections!" We are known as being the most honest sign in the zodiac.

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Sincerity is impossible, unless it pervades the whole being, and the pretence of it saps the very foundation of character. — James Russell Lowell

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In writing this post I recalled the characters created by Charles Schulz in Peanuts comic strips, and cartoon specials, and their interactions with one another. Linus, chose a different path for himself, because he had a different kind of heart. He is the one character that strove to be sincere with an intentionality. While he hoped to be acknowledged, accepted, and affirmed, just like the others wanted to be, it was for simply, being who he was. Genuine, and sincere. Flawed, and vulnerable. For which, he was scorned, and mocked. While the others sought recognition and rewards in more conventional ways, while aiming for approval and adulation from their peers, Linus followed his heart, and was true to it, NO MATTER WHO tried to coerce him to change course. Linus celebrated sincerity. He was ALL IN on BEING REAL. For that, he was scolded and shunned. He was not hurting anybody, by his actions, but that didn't prevent him from being treated badly for how he chose to live his own life, by everyone except Charlie Brown, who at least had empathy for his not fitting in because he was different. Charlie Brown did everything the group required of him to try to gain their acceptance and approval, but even so, he was never truly accepted or appreciated. It continually tormented his soul that he did not win their fickle favor, by going along to get along. Linus, was willing to forego all that to be true to what he believed even when he was criticized and ostracized.

                   

His choosing to stay alone in the pumpkin patch on Halloween, when all the other kids were out trick-or-treating together, was motivated by his prioritizing sincerity as a virtue. There are similarities to my situation here. The others, the group, the herd, if you will, put on masks to hide their true selves, and go out into society to seek to be rewarded for that by everyone they approach, and interact with. "Trick or treat!"* is technically a menacing threat that implies that if other people do not give them what they want they will punish them, rather than be pleasant to them, due to that. It is, actually, a demand by someone placed on another person, to do exactly as they want them to and give them exactly what they are asking of them OR ELSE there WILL be CONSEQUENCES. They EXPECT others to reward them for their outward fakeness and their mask wearing, and this expectation is reinforced by a large portion of people in the community doing just that: giving them exactly what they asked of them, thereby REWARDING them, for this behavior. Because I have resisted and even refused to do this in my situation, there has actually been some 'tricks', done, to me, as a result, such as, things being thrown at my house. It is more ominous when it is adults acting this way toward a neighbor, versus the make-believe incidents in an animated children's holiday special on TV. Note that, Charlie Brown, who did go along with the group but was more compassionate and caring than they were, was nevertheless always perceived as 'less than', and was never really considered to be a, true, member of the herd. This is reflected by the fact that while all the other children were given treats, all he was given was rocks. I have seen through my experiences here that when you are a very different type of person from others, even when you are friendly and respectful toward them, it can never lead to good relationships because of their disrespect and undermining you behind your back. Their masks are fake, but what's underneath that is scary. Some masks may even show a smile, but hide some very dark, unvirtuous things.
   

                 


Linus: "Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to. I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."

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, , mean-spirited people usually believe that people never act without deceit. — Madeleine de Souvre, marquise de Sable

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Neighbors, who are not my friends because they have shown that they will never, indeed, cannot, by their very nature, accept me for who I am, and let me live my life in peace as I wish to, try to manipulate me with their fake friendliness only to reveal to me that they are trying to control me, to get me to fall in line with them and their agenda. What they should have seen, by now, and should have learned, about me, is that this does not work with me, but simply makes me wary of them from that point on. I go on my way, alone, but, more at peace. Peace, is far more precious to me than having relationships with people that I can't feel comfortable with because they have shown me that I cannot trust them. I choose to be alone, ignoring it, when they sneer at my sincerity, and laugh about my Linus-like heart.  I will never, really, be in their good graces, nor they, in mine, because our values, and our orientation to what really matters to us, in this life, are just too different. There's no middle ground, for good relationships with these people. Now, or ever. When I tried with them again, for the sake of the community at large, I learned it can never work, because, they really have no motivation, to SINCERELY treat me any better. I was 'rewarded' by them for this extreme risk I took-- which took ALL I HAD IN ME to even DO in THE FIRST PLACE-- by being disrespected and lied to, AGAIN, by one of the two most disrespectful women here toward me. It is CLEAR that she disrespects me, TO HER CORE, and she definitely does not have my best interests at heart, as she has demonstrated, time and time again. There is simply  no basis for a relationship with someone who acts like that. Absolutely none at all.
My sincerity is one of the reasons she began to disrespect me and to mistreat me.

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By being natural and sincere, one often can create revolutions without having sought them. — Christian Dior

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There is an old but well-known poem titled 'The Road Not Taken', by Robert Frost, which he wrote in 1915, that describes those of us-- like Linus, and like me-- that don't follow the herd, or join the clique, for an 'acceptance' which would never be real, anyway, or these same people would have accepted us for who we are, from the very beginning. Charlie Brown is the case in point, as he clearly demonstrates that TRUE acceptance and inclusion from these others would never really happen, since HIS HEART is so different. He and Linus are condemned for being SINCERE. For BEING REAL. To quote a line in the poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Whether people perceive the path that I took for myself as being for better or for worse, I am who I am, and for me, I wouldn't change it. I don't need to have, fear-based, interactions, with fake friends, who did not prove themselves worthy of the name "friend", by how they chose to treat me, but expect me to treat them better than they have treated me. They're not safe or happy or healthy relationships, for me.

 

I just want someone in my life who will, truly, be sincere. I am praying for that!

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Linus: "He'll come here because I have the most sincere pumpkin patch and he respects sincerity."

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Stopworkplacebullies

@Stopworkplacebu

Survivors don't fear being alone. It's empowering. They fear being in a room full of people they cannot trust.
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* "Trick or treat!" - The "treat" is some form of confectionery, usually candy/sweets, although in some cultures money is given instead. The "trick" refers to a threat, usually idle, to perform mischief on the resident(s) or their property if no treat is given. - Wikipedia

The Past Has Nothing To Offer . . .

. . . but memories and lessons. 

I'm longing to get all the projects done that I have been working on for years now and focus on my personal goals and desires, for a change. The things I have been accomplishing are all worthy endeavors, but I'm burned out, by the relentlessness of it all. They needed doing and I feel good about my firmly resolving to stick with it, showing self-discipline and the ability to work hard for delayed gratification, but there's also the truthful scripture that says, "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done." (Ecclesiastes 11:4 Living Bible) I also, feel shocked, and uneasy, about how quickly time seems to be passing now. It's almost halfway through the year! As I turn the calendar pages with the arrival of each new month I wonder where the days have gone. I am given a finite (and unknown) amount of time on this earth, and there is nothing that keeps that in my mind more than the face of the 68-year-old woman in the mirror. My soul within this body still expects to see the 30-something me, that I still feel like, inside, and is struggling to grasp the indisputable and unsettling fact that it's me and not my mother standing here.

I often hear it said that we are not good at living in the present. I am as guilty of living in the past as anyone, and for the most part, it is a pointless place to be. It can't be undone, or re-lived. It can only be remembered, and teach us lessons. It is also often said that change is the only constant. We sometimes see this fact as being a blessing, and sometimes we see it as being a bad thing. Anyone who has lived for very long has seen that changes that we thought would be good brought us bad outcomes at times, and things that we thought were terrible tragedies are sometimes surprising because of the good things that come from them, which we didn't expect. So much of what happens to us in our lives is out of our control. It feels like we're on a wild ride, at times, holding on, for dear life, and other times, we just feel, stymied, and stuck. The things that are in our control are the things that we can do something about, although we can procrastinate and abdicate our responsibilities, instead, accomplishing nothing. I can't speak for anyone else but  I know that I am very wasteful of my allotted amount of time to be alive on earth and I need to do better. Especially, at this point in my life, with my already being in my late 60s now. When I watch newscasts, they mention the passing of others my age, who no longer have the privilege of being alive, or of being able to affect and influence their own destiny, or contribute to the condition of the planet or the other living beings on it. What they did, and didn't do, while here, cannot change. For better, and/or for worse, it's over. As Jesus said, on the cross, "It is finished."  

 

It seems to me that, God gives us Eternity because it will take all of that, to get to everything that we still want to do that we didn't get around to in this life. I have a bookshelf full of beautiful cookbooks, which have enticing recipes, that I would like to try to make, at some point. I'm often hindered in that ambition, by lack of time, energy, or resources, leaving me, feeling wistful, about my not getting the chance, to explore these treasures, in the time that I have. I'm only comforted by my faith in God that I will be able to do this, and more, that I still haven't gotten around to in my lifetime. I have, so many, interests and hobbies, that I want to learn and do and experience, which I never seem to get around to, after doing the daily chores, and meeting the pressing demands of each day. I wonder where the day has gone! Even so I know that I haven't made enough effort to use my time wisely enough. I NEED TO DO BETTER ABOUT THAT! I've SET AN INTENTION* to do better about it.

I find it fascinating that, we can simply walk down the street, on a day that is like most other days in our lives, and suddenly encounter someone or something that  becomes a major part of our lives, from that point on-- NONE, of which, we could have caused to happen ourselves, or even foreseen. Whether Divine intervention, or Destiny, we find ourselves in new relationships and realities because of it. But, we have to do something ourselves, to put ourselves in the place where that was  a possibility, or even a probability, to happen. We had to get out of bed and dress and go out the door, at the very least, to put ourselves in the position that a new thing could happen in our lives as we walked down that street. We have to make an effort. We have to do our part. I have not been doing nearly enough of that. I need to change that, from something that isn't working for me to something that will increase my chances of my dreams coming true. Dreams of fun and romance and adventures, and good times, with friends that I can truly trust. I spend most of my time inside my home. It stands to reason that, if there is a man for me, he is not just going to randomly show up, at my door. I have heard stories that such unlikely things have happened to some people, but that isn't the norm. The odds are much more in my favor if I get out of my house, for a change. Even if I don't meet my Mr. Right that way at least I will be getting more exercise, which I need.

I have no idea if God has any man on this planet who is right for me, but there is  a fable I have heard that makes the point about seizing the opportunities as they are presented to us rather than rejecting them and letting them pass us by while we hope for something (or, someone) else, to come along, and be what we need.

Here is that tale: 

The Drowning Man

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

Life is complicated. At least, it has never been simple for me. >sigh!< My life often feels 'out of alignment', as if, I just can't seem to slip into the gear that will get me where I need or want to go. My frustration with it, is compounded by the fact that, whether I can achieve all my remaining unrequited dreams or not, time, is steadily ticking away, and I can't, slow it down, stop it, or, reset the clock. I don't have the luxury of time, as much, at my age. So, I don't want to waste any of what's left on people or things that are not what I want or need, for myself, for whatever reason. I don't want any bullshit, taking up space in my private life. I don't need, my heart broken, by anybody else. I have already had, more than, my share of, that type of treatment, whether it came from, family members, men in my life, or others. I am not interested in pursuing people or things that do not make me happy. It's now or never for me to finally have what I want and need for me, and that's my sole focus now. Distractions or deviations from that won't be welcomed, by me. I'm a woman on a mission, to fully live my life while I still can. I am determined to find as much fulfillment as possible. No more, looking back, at the past. There are people in the past that I love, deeply, whom it just could not work out with, for various reasons.

There's nothing to be gained by dwelling on those relationships even though those people eclipsed everyone else in my emotions at a point in time. Time, has moved on, and so must I, because I have one life to live, that is passing by quickly, and a human hunger to experience what, mutual, love must be like with someone who is actually right for me, and good for me, for a change. Neither of the men that I will always love in some way, because of how, profoundly, they touched my soul, were those things that I need. For different reasons, those relationships were not viable. Fantasies are fragile in the cold conditions of reality. Being clear-eyed now, with no more stardust in my eyes, and standing strong, as, my own, advocate, without the butterflies, fluttering in my stomach, which used to make my knees so weak, I see that I am better off without them. Both men brought much more misery to my life than joy when it was all said and done. They tenderly touched my heart, took it all the way up to the mountaintop, and then, unceremoniously, threw it over a cliff. It just barely survived, the last one of the two. Would I ever want to go through that again? UH UH. Was it worth it? NO WAY. I want a feast, of fun, and fulfillment, not crumbs, or leftovers. I believe that, 'Mr. Right', will value me, and treat me better. 

I'm at peace with the fact that those two men weren't meant for me. I want to be as pragmatic as possible while focusing on increasing my chances of getting what  I want, with someone new, that it could work out with. I plan to live my life going forward, in the reality of the situation as it is, rather than in foolish fantasies from the past. I can see now, that not having some relationships work out is a blessing in disguise, saving me a lot of disappointment and grief. My focus is on increasing my odds elsewhere. I want romance, passion and sex. I want laughter and love. I want someone I can trust, who won't let me down time and time again. Someone who is really there for me. Jim and I broke up but got back together several times almost immediately after each split, but I see now that it was a mistake to do that because, instead of valuing me as someone special, and treating me better after a breakup, he actually took me for granted, because he could see how deep my love for him was when I took him back after he did things that I'd honestly lost respect for him for. He knew, I was hooked on him, like a helpless fish, caught on a line. I got treated that way by the second of the two men also. He overwhelmed me with a charm that no one had ever unleashed on me before, and once he saw that I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, he began treating me badly. It devastated me, but he didn't care. It was part of the reason that I battled suicide not all that long ago. It was merely manipulation of my emotions, for whatever reason, that he decided to do that, to me. Ego, maybe? Control over me? I shudder to think, what his reason was. There's nothing worse for a woman than loving a good man who doesn't turn out to be a good man. At least, to her. I learned a lot of lessons from him, though.

 

    

I'm not going to care about any man, more than, I care about myself, and what I need, going forward. If THAT isn't there, I won't be, either. I will not allow myself to be shortchanged and disrespected and remain in the relationship with anyone. Both men taught me, what I DO want in a man and what I DON'T want in a man.  I don't want to ever be married again, anyway, so I would prefer dating different guys, rather than settle down with just one. Keep things light and fun, so I don't get my heart broken again. It's hard to find as many men to date, at my age, but  I really want to date younger men because I am so energetic and fun-loving still! 

Ideally, I will come across one man, along the way, that will make a good lover. I have been celibate for over 25 years now. That's a long time! TOO Long. I'm also monogamous, when it comes to sex, for health reasons, etc. I hope to be able to just 'play the field', for a while, and out of that find someone who is fun, and hot, to me. I'M SO EXCITED, because I have been delaying gratification for years, and very soon now I should be able to FINALLY focus on HAVING SOME FUN! NO ONE ELSE 'has skin in the game' when it comes to my achieving my goals. IT'S UP TO ME to DO ALL I CAN to MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I was shattered for a long time, after these men DEVASTATED me and left me licking my own wounds, while they have both enjoyed their relationships with wonderful women, who, truthfully, are probably too good for them. I don't have them, but I have MYSELF back, now.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21 NIV)

I'm smart and funny and passionate and enthusiastic, and I have been giving my heart to the wrong men my whole life. I want to guard that treasure, much more carefully, going forward. I don't want to have to spend ANY more of MY, precious, time trying to get over some creep that conned me, like, my last husband, whom  I refer to as 'a son of Satan', or some charmer that nearly costs me my life when they suddenly turn that off and leave me wondering what happened to my heart. MY HEART IS NOT A GAME TO BE PLAYED WITH. I really want to focus on finding  a guy who VALUES, honesty, and sincerity. The next time, a man makes my eyes shine bright, with love, for him, I want him to be WORTH IT, for a change. In the meantime, I plan to have a lot of fun flirting! More than finding LOVE, I just need to HAVE SOME FUN, now. I HOPE I have a GOOD SUMMER this year. I am READY!

* Setting an intention: Intention setting is the process of creating a clear and focused mental or emotional intention for a specific goal or outcome. It involves consciously directing your thoughts and energy toward a desired outcome or experience, with the aim of increasing the likelihood of achieving it. It is the process of identifying and articulating your values, aspirations, and how you want to live your life. It's about creating a mental framework that guides your actions, thoughts, and reactions.