Sometimes, Even Smart People Are Stupid

This is a cautionary tale, for others, as well, to stick to your boundaries. I didn't, when mine were tested, and this happened to me because of my not doing that.

Richard EveryWriter @realeverywriter

I'll be honest, today, . . .

i’m writing to save my own life . . .

to find the answers

i already know

but don’t believe. 

i don’t want to die

without facing my truths.

I've had to (try to) process 'a whole shitload' of, very strong, emotions, in the last year, that I never thought I would even have to contend with at all at this point in my life; including shock, shame, and despair. I also realized that letting my guard down, and trusting someone, again, meant my becoming, the butt of a joke, and, the target of all the gossip, for being stupid enough to think they cared about me. I admit defeat. They devastated me. I got played, and worse than that, I have NO ONE to BLAME but MYSELF. EVERY TIME I have EVER trusted ANYONE in my life, I have REGRETTED IT. I had learned my lesson, well, and my head was on straight, about not letting people get too close to me. I was indomitable this way. Immune. No one, had been allowed to get inside my head, or, worst of all, inside my tender heart, which I fiercely protected from being shattered anymore after all the times that it has been. There are so many reasons that I should have known better, and done better. All I know is that when my heart got hijacked by some overwhelming and overpowering feelings I was no longer in the driver's seat. I was as drunk on, and reeling from, what I was feeling, as I have ever been by anything, or anyone. Ever. As hard, as it is to do, now, however, in the aftermath, of that fiasco, I have actually welcomed my being forced (admittedly against my will) to walk through a valley of humiliation, from this situation; as surprising as that might sound. Doing so drives the point home to me, in an excruciatingly, unforgettable, way, that this was something that can never be, and will never be. It was quite obviously (now) just some dream, or fantasy, that had started to seem far too real, for me, which could only and would only look like a living nightmare in the harsh realities of the clear light of day, with my eyes fully open, and focused, on the facts, as they are.

I'm much more of a realist about life's adversities and sorrows. If it took my being burned this badly to cause me to want to steer clear of this consuming flame then so be it! I had already tried everything, I knew to do, to stop it from happening in the first place, and when the other person did not help me, with that, but doubled down on the very behaviors which were causing me to feel like I did, I fell in love, because of the signal that sent to me. I felt so angry, and violated, because I was trapped in strong and sticky emotions then that I knew I shouldn't be having, and I couldn't get free of them. I tried everything I could think of to get over it; to get past it. It even drove me to drink, despite, my being, extremely, health conscious.

I'd gone the last 25 years only having a couple of beers, in all that time. I started drinking wine by the bottle. I didn't even bother with a glass. Just 'bottoms up' to my lips, drinking it down, as fast, as I could, after eating a few saltine crackers in an effort to keep from throwing up. I was trying to numb the pain. I was trying to dull my pure panic, that this had happened to me. You know, that feeling you get, when, one moment, you were, perfectly healthy, and strong, and the next minute, you become aware that, you are coming down with something, like the flu, that is making you debilitated, and dizzy, and disoriented, and NOTHING you can do, will stop it? That, is what this felt like, to me. It was just as unwelcome. It was just as unwanted. Feeling, those things, for this person, wasn't going to do me any good, and I hated having it in me, to have to deal with, 24/7, once it hit me and bowled me over. I was trying my best to honor the realities involved, while sliding down a slippery slope, of attraction and desire. Of course it had to end in a crash landing. There was never any other possible outcome for the obviously-one-sided feelings.

I've had some success with drinking wine, to give me the giggles and temporarily take away the sadness and stress that I feel when life is fully frustrating me, with its tendency to be both complicated and contrary. That is, before, I have to begin nursing the inevitable effects of a hangover, and assessing, fallout from, anything that I recall doing which may be under the heading of 'regrettable deeds'. I'm not endorsing any form of escapism as being the way to live life on a daily basis. But, for me, there is a certain level of 'bullcrap overload' that leads to a much-needed, drunken binge, to help me destress, from that, and to regain my lost perspective.

When I began writing this post (over the course of several weeks time, as I could find words to articulate it), I was struggling to recover, from both humiliation and  a hangover-- neither of which are painless or easy to get rid of. It was comforting to Google 'How do I recover from humiliation?' and see many websites appear, to offer advice, and observations, which have helped me, to get back on the road to recovery, right away. It was difficult, and daunting, at first, to be sure, but I have come to terms with it all, much more quickly, now, than I did at times in the past. Sadly, part of that is simply because I have had so much practice at my having to find some way to survive after people have broken my heart, during the course of my life. I am exposing my tender underbelly, so to speak, by talking about it now rather than, covering up, the fact that I messed up, and my messing up messed me up. I got there, with help, from others, messing up, as well, but, at the end of the day, I can only give my own testimony, and answer for my own sins. Whether  I like it or not, I am called to live my life by scriptures such as James 5:16, which says that we are to confess our sins to one another. But people are quick to judge others. We human beings almost always ascribe more weight toward, and disdain for, others' sins, compared to our own. People also have their loyalties and biases which affect how they react both for and against other people. A father who takes a dim view of a man whose behavior negatively impacted his daughter's life, may be the very same man who, scorns, and scolds, a woman for her holding his close friend accountable, for damage done, to her life, by playing games with her heart. Human beings are such emotional creatures that, thoughts, and actions, whether, on our own behalf, or a loved one's of ours, often have very little to do with either objective or impartial decisions on matters involving these relationships. It makes it more of, a loyalty test, than a truly, righteous, judgement, because of that bias.

                                                

                                          . . . or their loved ones.

When I've gotten stuck in social quicksand and started sinking to the point where it began to feel like it could be the death of me, it's been because, I have allowed someone to convince, or entice, me to stray from my own values. You would think that hard-won lessons about living would be grasped firmly and held onto for dear life. After all, we often carry the emotional scars of our lifelong learning to remind us that, what hasn't killed us has made us stronger, and, hopefully, wiser. Hurt, is not something that we are keen to, ever, experience, again, if we can avoid doing so. Heartache can feel more searing than touching a hot stove burner, at least, to me, and there is no soothing balm to take the sting out of it. Probably, 99.99% of people go to great lengths to hide their humiliation, and I would normally do that, as well, but I have become increasingly aware that this situation has been shared, through gossip that, apparently, came from someone, other than myself, who was directly involved, so it's already out there, casting me as both, the villain, and the fool. Gee. How fun, is that, for me? I don't even want to try to fathom the reason, that they would do that, to me. Especially, since, they have to know that they had a hand in this happening, in the first place, to be sure; and that, I was very angry with them, about the things, they did, to stir these feelings up, even more, in me, after I emailed them, and asked them, in writing, not to do that to me, because I realized that it was affecting me and I wanted to avoid this very thing taking hold of my heart. I had asked them for their help in preventing this from happening to me and they did the opposite of what I asked them. It became so obvious, due to that, and other ways, they treated me, that they do not respect me. That fact is a

blessing in disguise, actually, because, I have always been someone who needs to be respected, more than loved. In this case, I was neither, but, for me, disrespect is a relational deal breaker, helping me to sever the personal tie, that had evolved in my relationship with this person. I am grateful for anything that has helped me to destroy the emotions that had developed in me toward them. I did not want it!

I am not saying this out of bitterness but am simply stating the facts. I would not want this person even if that were possible, which it isn't and never will be. I saw plenty of Red Flags-- too many really-- that let me know that this person was not right for me. The main reason, being that, disrespecting, me, has, always, been a deal breaker, for me, and they, definitely, did not, respect me--  showing me that, through both, their words, and their actions, time and time and time again. When we were friends, it was the happiest phase of this relationship, to me, but there is no going back now, to that simpler situation. When we first met, he was rude and often unresponsive. I even felt sure that he was stupid, for awhile. So I had never expected that we could ever even become friends. As I look back on everything, I wonder now if we ever really were friends, or if he was just playing me, to control me, and to get on my good side, including so that I would stop complaining about how he was before. It worked. That friendship, as I saw it, was a source of alot of laughter for me, even though as amusing as he was he was also very annoying at times. I am equally annoying in my way, and very frustrating to deal with as well, though, in between my, also, being funny, and, enigmatically, charming, at times. So, in between all the banter and laughter we were mutually irritating quite often.

The day came that is was especially obvious and hurtful that he didn't respect me.

There was alot, that he did, that day, to directly interject himself into my personal life, when he knew, before, he did all that, that I had been drinking. It seemed to be, amusing, to him, but I was in that condition because I already felt humiliated, and completely stressed out, by him. When he exposed my vulnerability that way, that day, he brought someone else along, with him, that I didn't even know at all.
That, was one of the incidents, that so devastated me that I called the Crisis Line. The person that he brought with him, that didn't even know me, later called me a drunk, to my face, when I had only had 2 bottles of wine on 2 different occasions, and a few canned drinks at a neighbor's house one day, after going for 25 YEARS, without drinking more than a couple of beers, total. His treatment of me gave this person permission to-- also (like, him)-- disrespect me. It was, extremely, painful.
Around this time was when I realized, my biggest humiliation, came from the fact that I had actually thought he was my friend, and really cared about me, and was a decent guy. There was alot of other things, that showed me very clearly that he did not respect me, at all, but I am not going to go into them here. God, knows it.

You may be wondering why I would have ever considered this person to be a true friend, to me. I wonder that myself, now that our relationship with one another is over, and everything's been said and done, that has left it like this. But, it wasn't, always, this way-- at least, not, on the surface, when taken at face value. We had originally been antagonistic toward one another. For whatever his reason, he, was the one, of the two of us, that made a real effort to improve interactions between us. Especially because, he began to seem caring and supportive, and he made me laugh so often, and so easily, we came to be friends with one another. Or so I had thought. As time went on, the, veneer, on that, seemed to be, thinner, than, I had first believed. His 'caring', seemed to be more of a charm which was, intended, to control me. Instead of his seeming stupid anymore he just seemed 'slick'*, to me.

I noticed that he would always shut me down whenever I tried to express genuine distress about the situation with my being a target of the clique where I live and I kept wondering, why he didn't see, or acknowledge, that one of his closest friends was the main instigator of bullying me, since, he continued, to defend them; even at my expense. He told me that I should be friends with one of the women, that is associated with the clique, but never asked me, one single time, about my side of the situation, and what, these people, have put me through. He doesn't know any of that, to this day, therefore-- except for, my, finally, providing the proof, that his best buddy in the group was actually calling people over to her and literally telling them, NOT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. This woman is in her late 70s, and presents herself as a devout Christian to him. His friendship, with her, remains, unchanged, despite how she has treated me. So, his loyalties continued to lie with others, and was, never, really, there, for me, even during (what I had originally believed, was) our friendship. Someone, truly, caring about me, would not have felt comfortable, remaining, close, to such a perpetrator, that has caused so many problems, in my life, here, because of her meanness, and gossip. He's never even been curious, or concerned, enough, to ask me about any of the incidents with the clique members that caused an alienation to occur between us when I was friendly to them before.

Instead of telling me to be nice to them, when he has never asked me for my side of the story, he should have at least listened to how I have been treated by them, instead of shutting me down, before I can tell him any of it; and then, if he wants to play 'peacemaker', so much, he could have addressed their behavior, which has been the source of the breakdown in these relationships. There isn't one thing the people in this clique can truthfully claim that I did to them, but, they wronged me. I am not one to, continue in relationships with people who have treated me badly.

Why, should I do that, and open myself up to more of the same? TREAT ME WELL.

 

No one has ever made me laugh as easily, or as much, as him, though, which felt great frankly. I'm a sucker for a good laugh, so that gained him some real ground with me. Laughter opens up the heart, and that was his gateway into mine. From his influence, in my life, I learned to appreciate, and then, really, truly, like a new genre of music, that I had barely paid any attention to, before. It is, honestly, my favorite music to listen to now! I would have never believed that could happen, to me. I would have lost a money bet, on that not ever happening with me, for sure.
I will always care about him, as someone who became, very significant, in my life, for both good and bad reasons, whether or not, I ever should have; and I have no desire to hurt him, in any way. EVER. I wish him all the best. The bottom line is, I have only myself to blame. I started the superficial flirting, because it was fun, for me. Then, I couldn't get him to help me stop it, when it, suddenly, started to feel, too real, to me, and scared me. I got hurt and humiliated and that really is all my fault. This, is a cautionary tale, to anyone, reading this. DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE. I should have known better-- absolutely!-- and, I paid the price. I am so sorry, that any of it happened, and the saddest thing of all is it can't be undone. So, I extend grace, to him, because I am so in need of that, myself. I don't feel hatred or hard feelings. I just feel like I WAS REALLY STUPID, for a woman that is normally fairly intelligent. It hurt ALOT, that he disrespected me. But, the awful truth is, I taught him to. I cannot blame him for this; but it did take mistakes on both our parts for it to end up this way. We don't interact at all, anymore, and both think that's best.

Nothing significant ever happened between us thank God. I need to say that here.
I should also say that he did, finally, 'pull the plug' on it, but not way back when I asked him to, to prevent this, from happening, to me, in the first place. I do, fault him, for that. If he had done that, helped me with that, when I saw trouble ahead and asked him to help me to keep that from happening, instead of doing, more of, the very behaviors that, I was telling him, I was most susceptible to, this could all have been avoided, then, rather than, avoiding, one another, now, because, it did, happen. That's why I got so angry at him, about it. I asked him, not to encourage it, in me, but, he did, for whatever reason; and, he knows that. Maybe, it was just an ego trip, to see a woman's eyes shine that way when she looked at him, but he was not in a position, to be entitled, to that, from me, and I did not want to be, in a position, to provide that, extra boost, for him, and end up with nothing, to show for it, but being teased and heartbroken. This became a dark night of the soul, for me, so it is being addressed in this post, but I am not planning to expound on any of this or describe more, about it, in any future blog posts, that I might write. This post, provides a sufficient overview. All things considered, and that, covers alot of ground, with us, I know that, he has had a huge impact, on me, personally, and is one of those people that I will never forget. Even if I really wish that I could, now.

                                                                       
I did lose alot of respect for him, though, because of how he treated me, and how he handled this situation with me. He brought several other people into it to make himself look like he is just a totally innocent victim of it, when he absolutely needs to share the responsibility and the blame; and I'm the object of gossip because he did that. I have also had to endure these people putting me down, including to my face, while, he sat there, and tried to get me to say that he did not do anything to cause any of this-- which I refused to do for him, because that would be a lie, and he knows it; even if he won't admit it. I wasn't saying anything about it to anyone until, I finally told one person (my best friend), because, I had, no one, to turn to.

My friend, gave me his word, that he will not share, what I told him, with anyone.

@ML_Philosophy
Nobody notices your pain, but everyone notices your mistakes.

The whole community seems to know about it though, and that is, directly due to, how the man involved chose to handle it; in an, obviously, very disrespectful way, toward me. He, and his friends, have been the ones, that have spread this gossip. That is really disappointing to me, to put it mildly, because I had given him alot of credit, for being a, genuinely, nice guy, and he is also a Christian. When I realized how much damage they have done to my reputation, behind the scenes, as if that means, nothing, at all, to them, for the quality of my life, here, in this community,

by their, causing people, to view me differently, and decide, not to befriend me, in some cases, because of it, I felt really sad. I just can't imagine why they would do that. It's become crystal clear, that they have, however, and it is affecting my life.

Now, I can see why, he remains so close to the clique member that's gossiped the most, about me. It's because he has also been doing that. Even so, I stand on the fact that, God, brought me here. This is, His Will, and Plan, and His Word, always, stands true, including Romans 8:28, my favorite verse and the mantra for my life:

 

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose." [Amplified Bible]

I am just focused on going on with my life, and keeping my distance, at this point.
The humiliation has been very humbling for me, and I think that I have needed to learn a real lesson from all this. I also think, it wouldn't be wise to try to stand on that slippery slope, again, and believe, I can stay, firmly, on my feet, when, I slid, almost all the way down it, before. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. I didn't expect that at all when it happened, but now, I know, that it can; because it did. No one, was more shocked (and upset, about it!) than me, but it also, truly, terrified, me. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Just like, the car that gets hit by a train, on the tracks, and is totaled, I was blindsided. I cannot handle something like that! I do not know how to deal with it. It is crazymaking**, for me, because of that. I was miserable, and that made me so pissed off. It's no wonder it drove me to drink, when nothing, or no one, had, for 25 YEARS, prior to that! I was self-destructing, and I couldn't get a grip on my emotions, at all. It was horrible. I HATED IT. I am also left terrified it could happen to me again, now that I am back to being 'myself'. I hadn't thought that I would, ever, have to deal with something like that, at this point in my life. I was therefore not happy when I had to, because I didn't have a choice. It was too much for me. I am so much happier, being free, and independent. Not, controlled, by overpowering feelings. It also hurt like hell, to have someone mean so much to me and see, clearly, that I did not mean much to them. It had to be that way, too. There is more I have to say about it, in the following message to my blog readers.

A MESSAGE FROM ME TO MY READERS:

I now have readers in 60 countries around the world, and I am both amazed and humbled by that. Thank you, for sharing, my journey, through my true life story,  in this blog. It is my hope and prayer that your seeing me so openly describe my struggles and sins will assure you that you are not alone in your own challenges. The human experience is something that, we each get out of bed every day, and grapple with; with varied results for that effort. Some do better than others, and my struggle is real. I have not had the easiest time, with it, but I remain so very grateful to God that it's not been any worse. Every mercy and grace that He and others have shown to me have been the only reason that I have made it this far. 

The header of my blog, reprinted below, has been my promise to God, to myself and to my readers, that I would tell the truth in my posts to the very best of my ability, and I have done that. However, in recent months, I've been experiencing  a, very stressful, dilemma regarding, how, to write about, my, life, fully, when it involves people who are in my life right now in some way or other. Most of them know that I write a blog about my life and therefore they can potentially be in it, making them a part of my story which is being shared here with the world. I am not trying to 'gossip'. I am doing my best, to describe the effect of these people, and their sins, and shortcomings, on me, and my life, as well as, give an honest account of my own failings, and faults. I have written what there is to say about my past except that there's things I could expound on about my youngest sister. That just leaves me with what I have to say about the present. The difficulty I'm encountering, with that challenge, is that I am going into stress overload, trying  to process my thoughts and emotions in real time, without the opportunity to sit with the situation as it is for awhile, to see where the dust settles, before I make  a written pronouncement here as to how I'm feeling about whatever is going on,  in my life, at the moment. I can, capture that, fairly well, in a tweet, or post, on social media sites but to write a blog post in the in-depth way that characterizes my writing here, and seems to sum things up, with some conclusion, as I discuss or describe the subject matter, requires an achieved introspection from me that I can't always mentally muster when it is needed from me, so soon, to write these.

"I cannot make these stories from my life nice and neat or, rather, whitewashed and sweet, in order to make them more palatable, or easier to cope with, for anyone reading them. Whenever the truth gets watered-down, it stops being the truth! I have lived through all these things. It is my story. It is what it is. Our lives are greatly affected by the pervasive consequences of Original Sin, the sins of others, and our own sin, and we must acknowledge that."

As of this post, I have written 68 posts in the nearly 4 years that I have blogged. Most of them are lengthy, detailed, accounts, of whatever aspect of my life I was covering in each one, as I felt that I could deal with the particular subject matter.

Wise_Chimp @wise_chimp

Writing things down is the best way to clear your mind. Success demands clarity.

As a result of my trying my best to be completely honest about the actual events as they were, while also trying to 'be the bigger person', and heavily redact main incidents, or leave them out altogether, which could both clarify and substantiate  what I am talking about here, I now feel burdened, by my needing to write these posts, because I'm not including the meat of the matter on these current events. Especially when due to my decision to handle it this way, I am having to struggle mightily with that effort on a continual basis. This is proving to be so difficult and  draining for me that it is taxing my health in some really concerning ways, at this point. I am now frequently not feeling well, I am not sleeping well, and I seem to be stuck in a state of heightened anxiety, almost all of the time. Clearly, I cannot continue to do this to myself. This blog was begun in order for me to process the events of my life that had transpired, so that I could achieve some level of peace and healing in regard to them and their effect on me. Now the very act of writing these posts is perhaps the most toxic thing I am doing, to myself. It simply must stop. At least, for now, and for the foreseeable future. The joy of my tackling the challenge of writing-- especially, about such intimate subject matter, as the good, the bad, and the ugly, which is all a part of my life-- is completely missing for me now, in this endeavor. It has come very close to feeling like an exercise in futility.

Even though I'm only describing the people involved by general descriptions here, there is so much that I feel like I can't share, here and now, about them, that it is very hard for me to still feel that I can write coherent posts, anymore, with things as they are. I am straining, to do all that I feel like I can, to protect the person, at the heart of this post, even though, they really messed me up, emotionally, to the point that I had to call the Veterans Crisis Line, twice, and I also had to talk to my doctor on a few occasions, about the harmful effect of this, on my blood pressure, when it became elevated from this situation to a concerning degree and I couldn't get it to come back down. I have had to fight my way back, to feeling like, I am in my right and reasonable mind, again, after all of this got a grip on me and caused me to be, totally, turned away, from, my true north***. How, do I, fully, articulate something, about a person or circumstance here, when I'm leaving out all I can in these blog posts in order to avoid it being gossip? They have gossiped to, several, people, about me, regarding this very situation, which has caused others to show, open, disrespect, to me, or, at the very least, to see me in a bad light, since, they do not have, and would not, even care about, having, all, the facts, now that they have been, adversely, affected, by hearing, only one side, of the situation. I know firsthand that this person leaves out some really significant things about their part in all this, because they subjected me to a 'conversation' (verbal attack, on me) in which they tried at one point to get me to say they had no blame, and I sat silent, rather than lie about that for them; and by their own choosing they brought a few other people into that deeply distressing dialogue. They have to know God knows. When, our ultimate Judge, knows all of it, I am not willing to contradict that truth.

The only person that I did, finally, confide in about it is my best friend here, who has assured me that, he is trustworthy, with not sharing the things I've told him. The following Facebook Messenger post I sent to him recently, while I have been working on this blog post, speaks of my life improving so much, by this situation ending, and me going on with my life. I am much happier now this way, but I do realize that I also need to stop writing my blog posts, too, on a regular, required basis, as I have been doing, which is why I am writing this message to all of my readers. I have prayed about it, for some months now, and I don't feel like I am  to stop writing my blog altogether. I do-- desperately-- need to reclaim my time, and start doing alot more for my holistic health such as more exercise than I am getting by sitting here, writing, for hours and days and weeks, on end, for years. There is also a realization in me that, now that I have covered all of my past life, in large measure, by the posts that I have written over these past few years, the challenge now is for me to, actively, live my present-day life, more so than write about it. There is only so much sand, in the hour glass, of my numbered days on this earth, and I have been setting aside, fully living, my life, for years now, as I took all this time to sit here, at my computer, and write about it. My writing blog posts has not been a waste of time, because, through that, I received, alot more clarity about things, that I wrote about, which brought about more healing to my injured soul. In other ways, it has shown me, how many open wounds, there still are in my psyche, that I am not yet healed of. Two steps forward, one step back,  it feels like as I try to be my best possible self while simultaneously being such a damaged soul. As I often say summarily, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I am what I am. This relationship-- this friendship that got trampled to death by all the other feelings I found myself dealing with, in dismay-- which, this post, is about, was a source of much laughter and, frankly intermittent, support and I miss having those aspects in my life, because they made my world a happier and warmer place. It, also, left me feeling, angry, indignant, gossiped about, stressed, played, treated extremely disrespectfully, at times, and like I am actually better off without it, on the whole.

The Facebook Messenger post, to my best friend, about this relationship situation:

The helplessness of being in its grasp emotionally and the vulnerability of it being able to wreck you is truly terrifying though and I am SO GLAD to BE BACK to my SANE SELF after my bout of TEMPORARY INSANITY! LOL! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER when I am NOT in such clutches and can have RATIONAL THOUGHTS again. I've been SINGLE and CELIBATE for SEVERAL DECADES now for GOOD REASON-- I LIKE BEING SINGLE (I just don't like being CELIBATE-- but my vibrators are a WONDERFUL 'fix' for that problem!). Um Hmmm.

I am celibate, but I address my health holistically, and sexual function, is a part of that. In fact, because, I have been living celibate, for so long, I developed vaginal atrophy according to my doctor, and was told that I needed to insert something in my vagina for stimulating blood flow, to try to stop the progression of this-- which can become increasingly problematic if it is not dealt with. That is why I started to rely on vibrators, because, an actual partner, has not been an option, for me, and my health-- body, soul, and spirit-- is very important to me. I have found that it's also a great stress release, which is an added bonus! Because vibrators are a very necessary part of my life now due to the vaginal atrophy, and a routine part of my healthcare-- doctor's orders-- my best friend, who happens to be, a male, is used to me saying that word. He's heard me use it regularly (the word not the vibrator, LOL!)-- probably 50 times so far. The ONCE I said it to this other guy, when I was drunk, he hung up on me. I sit here, shaking my head, at that, because, he is the same guy that stood outside my bathroom window, one day,... and is a hypocrite. I saw that and God saw that, so his acting holier-than-thou doesn't cut it with me. I also, didn't, act all self-righteous, or gossip about him, or make trouble, about it. I am a Christian saved by grace, but I do not feign a personal holiness that I don't have, and would never do so with someone that has seen different behavior, from me, and knows who I am, aside from that facade. I told him one day it was CRAP.

Although I have always published my blog posts on a regular schedule, to make it easier for my readers to know when the next one was available to them, and also, have let you know if something came up which was delaying a post, giving a time that I thought it would be published, online, after that delay, I am not going to be able to do that anymore, going forward, at least, for awhile. I really, really, really, need, to-- totally-- change, my daily habits, and routine, to address all my health concerns, and hopefully connect with more of a sense of being well grounded and at peace, again. >sigh< I believe, it's become a matter of survival, for me, at this point, and possibly, even, a life-or-death decision, because of the terrible toll, this stress has taken, on me, especially, in recent months. I hope, you will forgive me, and indulge me, as I do this for myself, now. Whenever I do post something new, on my blog, I will post a notice about that on social media: Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I have an Instagram account, but don't really enjoy using that platform, at this juncture. I also need to spend alot less time on social media going forward. I have health programs that I have never viewed or engaged with, for learning Tai Chi, for developing my yoga poses, for doing more dance-ercise routines and even

some movies, which I purchased, years ago, but have never even seen (including, Fifty Shades Of Grey-- inspiration for fantasies, that are the necessary fuel for the vibrators to work!). I need to exercise more, including walk more. Sitting, so long,

as I do here while I am writing these lengthy blog posts, has caused me to have a pain in my hip, that I cannot allow, because it can progress, into causing me to be lame. I have a long list of projects that I need to do, on my home, and I also want to do more cooking, and baking, and sharing those things, with others, as I can. A vacation, would do me a world of good, as well. I haven't had one for many years.

@xirtempest Sometimes, the truth is so incredibly difficult to accept, it feels like it betrays you. It cuts so deeply into your perception of reality, your ego dies for a moment. Then you come back and realize your closest and dearest friend disguised as the enemy, actually saved your life.

I have tears in my eyes saying this but the inevitable rejection by my friend that I so deeply cared about left me feeling so damaged in my self-esteem, even though I know that, there was no other possible outcome, regardless, of the value I do or do not have as a human being, so in that sense I really should not take it as hard as I have, personally. Nevertheless, I need to do what I can to repair the damage to myself, which has manifested in several different forms as I have acted out my anger and pain that this even happened to me at all, when I didn't expect it and I wasn't wanting it. I can only work on me, and at this point, I feel that, I have alot of work to do, on me. In fact, that, alone, should, keep me quite busy, for awhile! So, thank you again, readers, for your presence in my life. For being companions, to me, as I walk the path that is unique to who and what and where I am in life. I promise I will keep you posted if I publish anything new on this blog of mine, and you are always welcome to check back, to see for yourself, as well. You may even get something out of reading past posts. There are now 68 posts, to choose from.

Christine @cmd8495 
It's not that you're afraid of love. It's the fear that everyone else is just like the last person who destroyed you.

- Deb Robinson

 

                                                           

* slick: a person who is smooth and persuasive but untrustworthy. 

** crazymaking: (Urban Dictionary definition) obsessive thoughts or overwhelming desire for something or someone, that causes a conflict struggle between meeting moral versus primitive needs/urges.

*** true north: "We’re talking about your own true north. That inner sense of what you want to accomplish in life. That calling keeps you on the right track, to being your authentic self." https://www.betterup.com/blog/find-your-true-north     

Bullies, Bitches, and Backstabbers

“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz.

                                                          

Human beings are my least favorite species. They are surely the most two-faced, and treacherous. Some are better than others, and my few-but-true friends have their good points or they wouldn't be my friends, because I am really picky when

it comes to people I allow into my life. Beliefs and behaviors are shaped by what we learn about others and ourselves in interactions with one another. I didn't get the best foundation for my thoughts about and reactions to other human beings, because of being raised in a home that largely lacked affection and affirmation. I felt emotionally, and sometimes physically, unsafe, in that environment, and that left its mark on me, to be sure. I was raised in the South where there was prissy, pristine, adherence to sitting in a church pew on Sunday mornings wearing white gloves and the requisite hat of that era for all females to at least outwardly show reverence. Patent leather shoes, and petticoat, were also required, as reverential regalia that I was told I had to wear, to be acceptable to God, when it turned out,  it was really to earn the approval of others, by meeting their standard for all little Southern girls, of that time. Most people-- including, Southerners-- wear jeans or shorts to church now and as far as I know lightning hasn't struck any of them yet. It is my belief that God wants us to be real with Him and one another; not phony.

You were born to be real, not perfect.

                                                          

I had a racist father, and a miserable mother, and siblings that were never, really, there for each other, as we each tried to cope with the situation as best we could. My whole family tree would have testified at any Wednesday night church service that they were devout religious folk, but I don't think my Uncle Jim would've told the congregation that he attempted to sexually assault me when I was 12, or my Uncle Edwyn would have told everyone how, he, started a church, himself, at one point but it never really took root, perhaps because whenever a black couple had tried to attend one of his Christian services he told them it was not for them, and invited them to leave and attend a, segregated, church across town, instead. The South is particularly good at 'keeping up appearances', at all costs, and, some, of those costs are high. Things are not always what they seem to be on the surface. No matter what people do or don't do, the truth seems to always come out in the end. Is anything, or anybody, what, they seem, to be, at face value? I don't even trust my gut, anymore, because I keep being shocked, on a regular basis, when I had thought that I knew, who, or what, I was dealing with. Who can I even trust?

The truth always comes out in the end, no matter how hard anyone tries to hide it or stop it. Lies are just a temporary delay. I think, God, intended it to be that way.

God is Truth, and, is a God of truth, so we can't really have one without the other.

The trouble is people seem to forget that they are sinners, and when people start to forget that fact, it fosters alot of, pride, and hypocrisy, in people, who begin to, then, regard themselves, their particular religious affiliation, and their friends and family, as being the 'true' Christians, but this or that person or religious group are not. That leads to them passing holier-than-thou judgements on others; losing an awareness that, GOD KNOWS, about every single person's sins and shortcomings, and it is HIM, that will be our final Judge, in the end. My pet peeve, is when these fellow Christians call out my sins and pride themselves on exposing what they see as mine, as they cover up (even while, simultaneously, demonstrating!) their own. Who the hell do they think they are, doing that to me? IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. However, even WHEN I KNOW, that they are DOING THAT, TO ME, I don't, usually, expose theirs, in that way, choosing instead to let the Lord 'sift them like wheat'*. I also leave alot of the crap to karma which has a way of leveling the playing field.

                                                             

I am 'real', so the 'perfect' people criticize and ostracize me for that, and I COULD CARE LESS! I just CONSIDER THE SOURCE. They, are showing ME, who THEY are.

                                                          

This post is about bullies, bitches and backstabbers and that includes some of my neighbors. A clique, of them, anyway. Thankfully, other people, here, are my true friends. They, are worth everything, to me, because, they allow me the right, and privilege, of being myself; and they, are my friend, WHEN THEY KNOW WHO I AM. What a BLESSING TRUE FRIENDS are IN THIS WORLD! They make our lives more meaningful, and more fun. I'm SO DEEPLY GRATEFUL to GOD for THEM in my life! As for these other hateful people who have defamed me and damaged my quality of life, by their gossip and rumors they have perpetrated and perpetuated against me, they will look me right in the eye, and say that, they are a GOOD Christian. I sit here, shaking my head, as I think back over, how they have mistreated me (as a fellow Christian, too!) in ways that one would normally think would only be done to someone's worst enemies; if then. These are, definitely, not things that, JESUS, would do. Why, is it, that people who have only been saved by God's GRACE, tend to be the ones not showing it to others? It causes an 'us against them' exclusivity. When people mistreat me my usual reaction is to shut them out of my life in order to protect myself from as much harm, from them, as possible. I learned to do this when I was made to be the scapegoat for my dysfunctional family, from the time I was a small child and couldn't possibly have been to blame for all of the toxicity in that unhappy home. I've acquired certain traits, that have become a part of who I am now, from the things people have put me through that broke my tender heart.

At my core, I'm much like a puppy who is so joyful and open, wanting to be loved, until they mistreat me, physically, emotionally and/or mentally. Then I shut down.

                                                             

I cherish my, personal, relationship with God, but I do not consider myself to be a 'religious' person. I see several ways that Man's religion damaged my relationship with God, and with others, and I read social media posts about this very issue, all the time, from people whose lives, and faith, have also, been deeply damaged, by the dissonance between, what a religion says, it will bring to our lives, and what it actually does. Just based on the results of that in my life, alone, I believe that the effect that religion has on human beings is more often than not, to force us into a false piety, that hinders us, from having the very freedom that Christ promised us that we would find, by knowing, and embracing, truth! I see religious dogma, and doctrine, as forces for destructive dysfunction in peoples' lives. There are so many different denominations within Christianity, and church splits occurring, within alot of those, as well. It seems fairly obvious, that, unity, and love, are lacking, among alot of churchgoers. From what I have read people saying online about Christians, many of them don't want anything at all to do with such human beings, and sadly, their God, because Christians, they observe, and experience, have horrified them! They don't see LOVE, or TRUTH, or anything else at all appealing, that would draw them in. The human heart, is hungry for, love, and acceptance; not judgement, or scorn. Below are comments that were posted online, which are some examples, of it. I simply went on a social media site and typed in 'Christian' just now to get the posts, shown, as I knew without a doubt, sadly, that these are all too easy to find.

@Ralpharmony

Spoke with some colleagues today about THE GOSPEL of Jesus... Then I noticed that Religion has done more damage than we can imagine... I mean, the minds of some people have been so damaged by religion, they see Christianity as a joke.

@BenjaminMoss116
I believe a lot of people oppose Christianity because they have been hurt and damaged by Christians.

@as_king55
There’s a person in my life who I’m convinced doesn’t like me solely because I’m Christian, even though I’ve made every effort to prove I’m not “one of those”. I’m sad! Not for me that this person doesn’t like me, I’m sad because people are so damaged by toxic Christianity

@mstarjd

If you want to know what’s wrong with so many Christians today, dip your toes into the Beth Moore timeline where tons of dudes are twisting themselves into pretzels to justify not loving others.

@yonglivingnow
Wow, don’t be like this POS - especially if you call yourself a Christian. His church must be guiding their patrons to do some bad stuff. It’s stuff like this that will polarize common people to become atheists.

@saintejoan

The entire SBC is under investigation for sexual abuse, and yet Southern Baptists are like “you know what the real problem is? Beth Moore.”

@OliviaCastetter
Replying to @saintejoan
Ah, yes, the classic "We can't blame the victims coming forward because we know they're telling the truth, so let's deflect to an empowered woman!" tactic.

@mccraechum

Christianity goes hand in hand with racism. Racism is enabled by Christianity. Not to mention misogyny and basically everything else bad. Stop enabling Christians and hold them accountable.

@dont_correct

White Christian Nationalists are not religious, they are an anti-American hate group. I feel bad for actual christians who have had their religion hijacked this way.

@Jane57Lisa

CHRISTIAN does not mean what it used to nor what it is supposed to mean. Not anymore. Might as well face it "Christians." The name, the image of Christianity has been forever changed and severely damaged by ... politics. This is what you've sacrificed for politics.

@TommasinaResist
Like the Pharisees... today’s evangelicals have damaged the name of Christianity by misusing the faith as a political weapon driven by greed & thirst for power.

@dbergstresser
Yeah, I’m a Christian, but I think that Christianity as a “brand” is being damaged by folks who use the religion as a hammer for beating up on folks, basically a tool for gratifying their own lusts for power and dominance.

@MrCasey62

St. John Eudes, on bad priests: “Instead of leading their people to God, they drag Christian souls into hell in their train. St. Gregory the Great says that priests and pastors will stand condemned before God as the murderers of any souls lost through neglect or silence.”

@AndrewRChapman
Sadly, some people are still damaged by this shit even decades after leaving Christianity. It is abusive.

@DrBobini
He is certainly no Christian. True Christians are followers of Christ, who would NEVER do hateful, harmful things to anyone, even nonbelievers. Christians are to love and care for others, second only to loving God.

@t1jediabetic
I don’t know. I feel like there is a God. But I’m so damaged by Christianity, it’s hard to grasp. I think religion and church are far too fucked up to fix.

@christianamillr

it absolutely boggles my mind how Christians can come up with all kinds of excuses for talking bad about someone behind their back.

@DrShamwell
Let them judge you.  Let  them  misunderstand  you.  Let them gossip about you. Their opinions aren’t your problems. You stay kind, committed to love and free in your authenticity.  No matter what  they do  or say, don’t you  doubt  your worth.

@MindHaste

Never stop being a good person because of bad people.

@alli_processing
All the rejection and lack of love from the Christian community taught me the importance of loving myself.

@JD_Quotes2017

Don’t you hate when people can't see the wrong in their actions, but see the wrong in yours?!

                                                   

Men have broken my heart badly at times in my life. Not that women are any less heartbreaking, in how they treat me at times, but it's a different type of pain that they cause me, by the cessation of any chance of having a supportive sisterhood. Women can be so vicious, vindictive, and venomous toward any woman that they feel resentful of, for any reason, and they justify this behavior, to themselves and others, for little or no provocation, by the other female object of their, singular, or shared, scorn. >sigh!< The cat claws come out; and it can turn ugly immediately. Women are quick to 'size up (what they perceive as) the competition' and go into battle mode to secure their place in the pecking order of hens in the barnyard. In  a previous post I described my first experience with this type of thing when I was in junior high school, and I feel like I am back in junior high school now, with this. [See https://ascentthroughthedarknightofthesoul.blogspot.com/2022/02/you-will-always-have-lot-of-friends.html.] The shock, for me, though, comes from the fact that the females currently treating me this way are mostly senior citizens, in their 60s to 80s! I was, so looking forward to, sharing life with people in my age group, until I arrived at my destination, and was disliked, from Day One, of moving here, by women that couldn't control me, and didn't appreciate me voicing any opinions of my own unless it was to affirm, and strictly adhere to, their views. Because it is such a new lifestyle for me I had no idea that this type of 'retirement living' in my 'golden years' would be so fraught with such females, until I was talking to one of my best friends on the phone several months ago, now, and she told me that this syndrome was apparently 'a thing', in this type of largely-senior-adult-community.

https://www.seniorhomes.com/bullying-in-senior-living-communities/ "Bullying is an increasingly common problem among seniors. While the communal-living nature of senior living communities can open the door for the formation of cliques and similar social behaviors, even seniors living in their own homes independently can be subject to bullying within their social circles."

https://www.floridatoday.com/story/life/wellness/2021/10/26/bullying-common-among-seniors-including-assisted-living-facilities/6123165001/ "Examples of bullying behavior in older adults (in and out of senior living communities) may include criticizing, ridiculing or making jokes about another person, lying or gossiping about a peer, invading a person’s space, or offensive gestures and facial expressions. .... Senior communities that don't actively promote good conduct among residents can create a thriving environment for a bully.

When explaining why bullying occurs in seniors, Pennsylvania's former Secretary of Aging, Dr. Linda Rhodes notes that “...elder bullies might have exhibited this behavior during their lifetime. Aging factors such as loss of relationships, valued roles and feeling powerless... can exacerbate the need to exert control and ignite a late-life round of bullying behavior.”

You know how you tell when someone is miserable with their own life? It's when they are looking for ways to destroy someone else's life.

I sat, shocked, with the phone to my ear, as she informed me that bullying was a frequent issue among older people in such settings. I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THIS, and it was very bad news. At this point, in what appears to be, the devolution, of Mankind, based on all the stories we hear anymore from the local to international 

newscasts, and social media, I suppose, I should not have been so surprised, as I was, when she told me about this. After all, there was a news story just last week [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/aqib-talib-ex-nfl-stars-brother-sought-fatal-shooting-coach-mike-hickmon-youth-football-game/] that a man shot and killed a coach at a youth football game. "It all happened in front of the young kids - some younger than 9-years-old -  who were  playing  and  watching  the game. Another coach told  CBS Dallas  many of them  are now scarred. Mayes said, "Half of them couldn't sleep. They've been crying, worried, don't want  to play football.  I mean, what can you expect? They're nine, they're babies." So much about our society is so loveless now, in a way that, I never thought, I would see, or experience, in my lifetime. One thing is for sure, though. The stereotype has been shattered for me, of older women being 'sweet little old ladies'. I would sooner interact with a felon, that is armed and dangerous, than a female, in my age group, at this point. Both, can potentially do damage to me, only I can calculate the risk from the felon, and the, even irreparable, harm that they could cause me, but I wasn't at all prepared for, or anticipating any possibility of, the assault on my reputation from the clique.

People start hating you when they cannot control you.

In my case it started from my very first day here-- a move, that was a miracle of God, for me, that I had hoped would bring me the privacy and peace that I didn't get living in apartments in a big city. On paper and on the surface this new home was everything that I had cried out to God for, to feed my soul in the latter years of what has been a trying and traumatic life for me, the whole way through, with few exceptions. Only, it became, more of a, 'Be careful what you wish for', reality check, upon my arrival, after driving, myself, halfway across the country, in a 26' diesel rental moving truck. All alone. At 65. If I'm anything, I'm very independent and spunky. Even so, including because it was in the middle of a deadly pandemic that I encountered everywhere I went, I was scared. The journey had been a real white-knuckle ride, for me, for several reasons. But I KNEW that, ON THE OTHER END, of this trial and tribulation of a trip, God had the deepest desire of my heart waiting for me. An actual home-- of my very own! So late, in life, that were it not for the ABSOLUTE MIRACLE of THIS HAPPENING FOR ME by the GRACE of GOD, I would have most likely spent my entire time on Earth NEVER KNOWING what this FELT LIKE-- God GIVING ME an, ACTUAL, DEEP, 'DESIRE OF MY HEART', that was ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE, any other way, than by HIS doing this FOR ME! A year later, I am STILL IN AWE of it. I STILL feel like IT'S A DREAM that I have to pinch myself, to be sure that, IT IS REAL. When the unexpected and undesirable things started to happen, with this move, from the very start, I just held onto my FAITH that GOD DID THIS, FOR ME, and BECAUSE OF THAT, HE WOULD BE FAITHFUL to HELP ME, in this circumstance that I found myself in. NOTHING, AND NO ONE, IS PERFECT, in this world, so I don't understand people that will simply say that it is better for me to abandon this amazing blessing from God He did, just because it came with some very unpleasant, and unwanted, surprises, I've had to deal with.

Ignore the things your haters are saying, trust God and start praying.

Adult bullies target people with differences from themselves, especially those who have high morals and integrity. If a new  [resident]  refuses to join an established clique, adult bullies target them. If new [residents] do not conform, they also may be targeted.

Because people tend to pass judgements on others in some very superficial ways  I know there are people here that THINK they know ALL THERE IS to know about me, yet really HAVE NO IDEA who I actually am, at my core, as far as my values. For one thing, I would never do to any of the people involved, in this clique, what they have done, to me. If I don't have a real rapport with someone that I meet, I simply don't interact with them, or associate with them, any more than I have to. But, I don't go around gossiping, about them, continually, in petty ways, or try to turn other people against them by a smear campaign. People are going to be who they are. Also, 'Water seeks its own level', as it is said. I have enough integrity to tell the truth about things, and I don't try to be vindictive toward people who hurt me. I have at least, responded, to these people, every time, they have spoken, to me, even while knowing full well how they have treated me; both, to my face and behind my back. I will continue to do that, although, I don't initiate conversations, and I am not interested in forming friendships, with these types of human beings.

@ML_Philosophy

Don't revenge, just cut them off.

Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There's nothing they won't tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship.

@Stopworkplacebu

You can survive a smear campaign... Go about your normal routines.. It will anger you more some days than others, but remember... Guilty people produce smear campaigns.. innocent people have no need...

People of integrity do not hide their reactions or opinions. They do not manipulate others through deception and they do not pretend to be something they are not.

Ever notice how people who don't tolerate lies, disrespect, or deceit are always labeled difficult, unstable, crazy or bitter?

No matter what people think of me, they will always peg me wrong, in some way.

People are so narrow in their thinking. I REALLY LOVE THE LORD. HE'S MY LIFE. I also, still like to dance around my house, doing some of the moves that I learned as a dancer in the nightclubs, decades ago. One thing doesn't make me religious, and the other thing doesn't make me a tramp or whatever other derogatory term that people love to hang on girls that worked in that job. As of this very day I am a woman who went 33 YEARS without KISSING any man until I kissed a man, not long ago, just to see if there was any way that I could actually become interested in him; but it was no use. There was nothing there at all, for me. No butterflies in my stomach, making my knees feel weak. That was the only 'sexual' thing I have done with ANY man for HALF MY LIFETIME, now! I haven't actually had sex for 25 years, and counting, too. I am THAT PICKY. My criteria, and standards, for such a thing, are that high. I know DANCER'S with HEARTS OF GOLD, and PASTORS that are WOMANIZING WEASELS. So, people don't, put other people down, because of FACTS. They put them down because of, BIAS, and JEALOUSY, and FEAR, and alot of other, dark emotions, THAT ARE DRIVING THEM to BE WHO THEY ARE. It is not really ABOUT, the one they are TEARING DOWN, with THEIR GOSSIP. They reveal, MUCH MORE about THEMSELVES, by behaving this way, than, about their TARGET.

                                                                                        

A friend told me once that my personality is a "joyful" one, and that is true of me, when people aren't bringing me down. I am just trying to have some lighthearted fun in my life-- especially as this pandemic drags on and on and on for years now with no end in sight, and other contagious diseases are also spreading, now, such as Monkeypox. I am a free-spirited individual, who is not at all prone to give in to peer pressure. My natural inclination is to live life as a loner, for the most part, as  I have found that, it is much more peaceful, that way, because with people comes drama. I am also a fairly cerebral individual who tends to think for myself most of the time. So, my disposition does not predispose me to want alot of people, in my private life, with their fingerprints, and footprints, all over, my sacred 'safe' space.

Trauma survivors often feel they don’t belong. Society condemns authenticity & vulnerability, yet both are necessary for a survivor to heal. When we are able to work through that trauma we find the safe belonging in ourselves & respect that  as the most sacred place to be.

@MindHaste

Privacy protects you from toxic people. 

                                                         

If I don't feel comfortable, BEING MYSELF, with someone, and I can't RELAX, with them, or feel like I can really TRUST them, then I don't want to, hang out with, or spend time socializing with, these people. I don't even want to interact with them at all, any more than is absolutely necessary. I really do not feel like I am ever all alone even though I'm physically isolated, especially given the ongoing pandemic, around 95% of the time now. I live my life with a continual awareness that God is with me, in spirit, and I talk to Him-- including out loud-- throughout every day. I also entertain myself in many ways. I talk to myself (ALSO, including, OUT LOUD) and I even do a variety of funny voices to amuse myself as well as adopt a variety of 'colorful' personas, and do whatever I am doing around the house in character! I LOVE TO LAUGH, including laughing at myself! Especially deep, full, belly laughs.

                   

@Stopworkplacebu

Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.

                                                                             

Sometimes, just because, I have a strong sense of humor, I will begin to 'debate', something, with myself (again, OUT LOUD), as I cook supper or such, and tell ME to STOP ARGUING with ME because SHE'S ENTITLED TO HER FEELINGS AND HER OPINION. Just things to make me laugh! I'm actually REALLY GOOD COMPANY for myself, so I am NEVER BORED. I have lots of interests and hobbies-- too many to have time for, actually. I am very curious, and am an advocate of lifelong learning about all kinds of things. I am fairly well-informed, intelligent, and eclectic. Many, things, interest and inspire me. I am better company (and, much more fun!) than most people that I meet will ever hope to be-- BY FAR-- so, their presence, in my life, is not particularly appealing to me and is of little to no necessity for the most part. I am VERY PICKY about WHO I ALLOW IN to my PRIVATE LIFE. ALWAYS. So, if someone was LET IN, to MY world, they can know with certainty that they were someone special to me. Maybe 1% of the people that I meet are someone I let in to my heart and my life. I do not TRUST anyone easily. That, TAKES ALOT, for me. I am a fun but flawed person and I shut down around people that have shown me that they can't-- or won't-- accept me as I am. I am on this earth to JUST BE 'ME' and the whole spectrum of attributes and attitudes, accomplishments and anxiety that goes along with that. NO ONE is perfect, despite how, they act as if they are, at times. I'm very much a LIVE AND LET LIVE person, unless and until someone's behaviors are affecting me or my life in a detrimental way. Then I will speak up or begin to avoid them like the plague. I've learned how to advocate for myself now.

                                                       

I will never hate anyone but I will distance myself from people who do not value me.

@Stopworkplacebu

Distancing yourself from anyone who makes you feel like your voice or feelings are irrelevant is key to your survival.

I don't know who needs to hear this but...You are not selfish for distancing yourself from the people that drain you, manipulate you, or hurt you.

It's not that I don't play well with others... I just don't play well with liars, users, thieves, manipulators, bullies and assholes.

I had been through so much, for so long, before, I ever moved here, including, in the apartment that I lived in, for 4, long, miserable, years, just prior, to this, that  I had actually doubted at times that I would ever LIVE TO SEE this MIRACLE, that God did for me, by blessing me with this home of my own. I was DESPERATELY in need of PEACE and PRIVACY, when I finally arrived here. Now comes my dilemma as to how to actually describe the clique members that have made my living here alot less welcoming than I had hoped. As I see it there are 3 different ways that I can do this. Normally I am very detailed in my descriptions of people and places I have been affected by in my life-- especially, those, that I would consider to have caused a 'dark night of the soul', for me, in some way-- as the behaviors of these people have surely done. Although, these adults are accountable for their actions, and these people have been a problematic, and painful, addition to the landscape of my life, they are nevertheless my neighbors. I do have some blog readers here also, and I have no desire to spread gossip in this community because there is far too much of that, already. So, I have removed the, detailed, descriptions of them. I also could have depicted it, using memes, alone, but, I have some things to say.

I, chose, to do this, because of who I AM, and for the sake of my home and of my community, that I am a part of now. Because it has so negatively affected my life, I have needed to write, this blog post, about it. Whether, it is, the behavior, of the clique, who have done this to me, or my decision about how I would approach the subject matter, here, given the situation, our actions speak louder than our words.

 

                                                                                      

Nobody trashes your name better than someone who's afraid you'll tell people the truth.

Gossip is one of the most hostile things you can do to another human being because you might be ruining the reputation of a good person. Don't say it unless you would be OK saying it in front of the person.

Deborah Gayle Robinson @DeborahGayleRo1
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY LIFE IS LIKE NOW. WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

Someone here started a truly horrendous rumor, about me, that wasn't true at all, and not only defamed me, and my reputation, but one of the employees, here, as well, which, neither of us deserved. I cannot believe that, there are grown people, who do such, ugly, things, to one another; apparently, just for spite. Gossip which causes scandals is a very destructive thing. If I described, all of the incidents, and examples, you would be able to clearly see, for yourselves, that I've been, bullied, and backstabbed, by bitches. Their neighbor. Just someone that, they happen to live in close proximity to! We are not, FAMILY. We are not, FRIENDS. GOD KNOWS

WHAT THEY HAVE DONE, AND HOW THEY HAVE TREATED ME, THOUGH. HE ALSO, KNOWS, IF I ACTUALLY, DESERVED, HOW THEY TREATED ME. Nothing is HIDDEN!

I truly feel traumatized just thinking about what it's been like for me, with that, in the past year of my life. Detailing all of this won't make it stop, though. It is likely to continue for as long as the perpetrators of it live here. There are those that say the victim(s) of it should leave. (I am not the only one; just the MAIN one.) But it makes no sense, to say that, as if it's some solution, because 'haters gonna hate', and as long as, THEY ARE HERE, they will CONTINUE, to cause INNOCENT victims to suffer this fate, when they, unknowingly, move here right into the path of these people. These bullies, bitches, and backstabbers put others down to try to elevate themselves, but they're actually placing themselves below their victims when they do this. They are showing everyone what petty people they actually are. It is what it is. I feel sad for them, though-- that they're so insecure, fearful, jealous, mean, that they choose to spend the last, precious, years, months, or days they have on this earth, doing this, to someone, who has never done anything to them, but tell them, who I am, and how, I want, to live, my life. Strangely, that seems, to make them so unhappy! I just don't fit into their agenda, which they can't accept, about me. They each have wanted me to be a pushover, that they can control, while not acknowledging, or accepting, MY preferences, for how I wish to live MY OWN LIFE!

Funny how you became the villain in their story only after you stood up for yourself.

i can’t stress this enough. if you feel judged by them whenever you open up or share something personal about yourself, do yourself a favor and stop sharing things with them. especially after you’ve communicated that you dislike how they make you feel with their words.

@Stopworkplacebu

Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

If they don't value your boundaries, they were planning on manipulating you, and that's a form of control.

When you can't play the role they give you, they don't want you...

One minute they talk to you, the next minute they talk about you.... The funny part is they think you don't know...

"Agreeing to things just to keep the peace is actually a trauma response. When you do this you're disrespecting your boundaries. No more making yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable. You have control now. You run your life. Take up space and use your voice." ~DJ Love Light How to Stop Agreeing to Things That Aren't Good for You - Tiny Buddha

When people can't get want they want from you, they either cut you out, spread lies or recruit others to hate you. Ignore them because they are toxic for your soul.

By design, a narcissist presents their "truth" in places where it can't be held to any level of scrutiny by their targets and will only emerge from that controlled environment once they have recruited the flying monkeys they couldn't have otherwise obtained via full disclosure.

It is a massive red flag when someone tries to disconnect you from other people, for any reason.

It’s weird that when several people don’t like you they form into a group

I, inadvertently, activated their hostility, like stirring up a hornet's nest, simply by, thinking for myself, and expressing my own opinions. They haven't liked that they can't control who I am. They have, made sure that, I have, paid, the price, for my freedom from that control. They've turned people against me, including those who barely know me-- and even some that have never even met me! They told vicious rumors and lies about me. The main instigator of this smear campaign against me that amounts to defamation of character, even told people, including, a real friend of mine (who told me exactly what, she was saying, about me) to 'Just cut me off. Do not be friends with me. That, they (the clique), aren't, so this person shouldn't be either'. This person is in their 70s! THINK ABOUT THAT. They are NOT, in junior high school. I sit here, shaking my head, at, such behaviors, as I am typing this. I could give you so many examples, of the petty things they have put me through. I have decided, NOT, to DO THAT, AT THIS POINT, though, because, THIS PLACE, IS STILL MY HOME. MY HOME! So, I do not want to give too much attention to these, mean-spirited jerks, that blow the concept of elderly women being 'sweet little old ladies' right out of the water. I absolutely do take great comfort in the fact that, in the end, they HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD, FOR EVERY SINGLE THING THEY DO TO ME, AND THEIR OTHER TARGETS. Also, from what I'VE seen, KARMA, is a BIGGER BITCH than THEY ARE. Since I was a loner before I came here, and will likely stay that way, I don't feel the least bit 'deprived' by their shutting me out. Actually, it's kind of a RELIEF, after the interactions with these people, were so intrusive, in my life. I don't do well, with UNEXPECTED KNOCKS at MY DOOR. I am a VERY private person, about my home life. It is VERY SACRED, TO ME! I don't SHARE that 'SAFE' SPACE with JUST ANYBODY. I DECIDE, WHO GETS THAT PRIVILEGE, AND HONOR.

When you begin to set boundaries... think of it as a new chapter, where access into your life is by "invite only"

Toxic people see your boundaries as revenge or as a personal insult on them, and think that you are nothing but a problem, but in reality, it's their toxic or abusive behaviors that led to those boundaries in the first place.

I am not, at all, like the women in the clique, and I think, that, makes me special! I don't want to be like everyone else, with a 'herd mentality', or be, a cloned copy. My personality, in its "joyful" state (which, is 'me', unless someone has hurt me or made me mad by mistreating or disrespecting me, or someone else) is bright and bubbly. I have a very vivacious personality. These things about me are the reason why, I strongly suspect that, many, of these women, that keep, targeting me, are actually, jealous of me; threatened by me, for some reason. Not one of them, has anything or anybody that I would want, though. When I came here I was the very same 'ME', with the women, as I was with the men; but, the women did not react well, to that, so I naturally gravitated toward the men here, that accepted me, for 'me'. As a result, my closest friends here, so far, have been guys. I wasn't allowed to be MYSELF, by the women, and, I WAS NOT HAVING THAT! THESE are MY LAST YEARS to be ALL that I CAN be, WHILE I STILL CAN, and I want to experience ALL of it. I'm not living for anybody else but ME. If I don't live fully NOW, I NEVER will.

If not NOW, WHEN?

I feel, time ticking, more, than ever, before, in my life. Especially, with Covid, and such, on the scene, longevity is just not something that any of us at any age, can count on, anymore. I'm not going to spend my precious days of life being brought down by neighbors, that are not family and are not even friends, that I did not let control me or directly disrespect me, and I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF. The way I see it, these people, are AROUND my life, but they are not IN my life. I CHOOSE, who gets THAT PRIVILEGE, and, IT WILL NOT BE THEM. From what I've heard here, in conversations with other people, there is nobody, that likes, everybody, here. The clique members, were shut out of my life because of how THEY treated ME. There isn't ONE thing that ANY of them can EVER truly claim, that I DID, to THEM. I just stood up for myself, by setting boundaries, I need, in place, that they did not like.

Someone who uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their bad behavior is a person who is manipulative to their core. They will do anything to escape accountability for their crimes. Usually, by blaming the victims and using defamation to discredit victims.

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice. My bigness is not determined by my capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

To this day, there isn't one time, that they've spoken to me, that I haven't replied.

I have left it to them to speak first, because, in each case, they were the one that walked away from me, or turned on me, when I had been interacting with them. I find it very interesting that one of the things they brainwashed people with, about me, is saying that I am too talkative. By doing this they have created reactions in people to me that have caused them to treat me very rudely. It isn't even rational based on the facts. I spend 95% of my time alone, away from everyone here. I'm not saying anything at all to the very people that spread this rumor about me that makes people reactive to me in a negative way. These same women, interact with one another often on a daily basis. Those conversations last for varying lengths of time, up to, quite lengthy, ones-- much, longer, than I've ever spoken with any of them in the past-- as well as being much more frequently, than my loner self ever wanted to be involved in; which is, therefore, one of the things, I avoided, getting entangled in, when I moved here. Sometimes, it seems like the people, that have been recruited into this clique, don't think, for themselves, at all! They believe, all that they are told about me, without questioning it, and let it affect their behavior toward me, and their reactions to my trying to be friendly, with them. So, I finally just stopped trying. I haven't been to a single social event, here; initially, because of Covid, but, additionally, because, I've been traumatized by seeing residents act as if I'm anathema, to them, even when they have only met me, barely spoken to me, or don't even know me, at all. This woman's tongue, that turned these people against me, is the same tongue she uses to claim she's a Christian, and pray with. I am by no means perfect. I struggle against my own sinfulness, at times. But she has done this, to me, consistently, over a long span of time, showing no signs of a repentant heart. I've often wondered how she lives with herself or sleeps at night.

You cannot treat people like garbage and worship God at the same time.

"Rumors are created by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots." - Paulo Coelho

Rumors can make you dislike innocent people. Don't judge people off of what others are saying about them. Be wise, get to know them for yourself, then form your own opinion. The one talking to you, may be the one you need to stay away from.

Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story first was probably looking for a reason to be against you anyway.

@Stopworkplacebu

Only cowards blame the victims. It's their way of escaping accountability for their choice to commit a crime against you.

100% of bullies, sociopaths, narcissists, and manipulators who tell you you're too sensitive, are saying it because, they do not want to be held responsible, for your reaction, when they mistreat you... Criminals hate accountability.

When people hear, and accept, something as truth, they will act on that, even if it is actually not the truth; or not always, the truth. This clique, injected biases, into peoples' minds about me, that have affected their thoughts about me; therefore it has affected their behavior, toward me, and, rarely, do they give me the benefit of the doubt, and determine whether they like me for themselves. I come up against this barrier that the clique created to cause people to shut me out, here, all of the time. They've caused this to be an enormous obstacle, for me to overcome, which quite honestly, I'm often not willing or able to do. This clique has made things alot harder for me, for no reason, other than meanness. The, main, one, doing this, to me, is a churchgoing Christian. If they ever actually ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?", I doubt the answer would be that He would do these things to me. I'm also a Christian, and when I first moved here, this woman, and I, talked about our faith in God. So, SHE IS WELL AWARE, that she is treating another Christian these ways. I have endured this treatment ever since my first day, living here; just over a year ago, now. Sometimes, the, calculated, cruelty, of this, has taken my breath away. Especially after the unconscionable rumor was started that I accused a staff member of attempted rape, when NOTHING OF THE KIND, happened, like that, AT ALL, and I NEVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT! It was gut-wrenching, to hear this!

To know that, this, evil lie, was going around, and that people were believing that.

I have NEVER taken management's time, to tell them, MY SIDE OF THIS, so they could SEE that I haven't done ANYTHING TO THESE PEOPLE to warrant being the object of such malicious mudslinging. The one, that I've described, that has done the most damage, to me, from my first day here, and that knows, that I'm also a Christian, was known to me, from the beginning, for being who, and what, she is. Yet I saw several packages addressed to her, one day, shortly after I moved here, sitting on the porch outside of the office, and I took them to her, because it didn't seem that she knew they were there in the central delivery area. When I dropped them off, at her house, she told me that, her birthday, was coming up, very soon, and the date. Having moved here, only about 6 weeks before, this conversation, I was still social distancing, and taking, other precautions, because of, the Covid-19 pandemic. But I went home, and found a birthday card, and I took it around to as many other residents here as I could find, asking them to sign it, for her birthday.

That SAYS ALOT ABOUT ME because I was LITERALLY TERRIFIED OF COVID, back then, yet I was walking right up to anyone, I could find, to get her card filled with well wishes, and love, so that, she would have a wonderful birthday. Some, of the people, even snickered, to one another, right in front of me; actually, saying that, this new neighbor (me) that SHE DESPISES, is going around gathering signatures and statements on her birthday card, and that she would, therefore, NOT LIKE IT.

It was not a SECRET from ANYONE-- INCLUDING, ME-- that she intensely disliked me; and for no good reason. I had no illusions about that, or how she treated me behind my back. I just saw an opportunity to BLESS A FELLOW CHRISTIAN, and I did that. Even so I am NOT an 'ASS KISSER' AT ALL! I didn't do that so she would 'like' me. I DON'T LIKE HER. I think she's mean, and a fake. I was simply treating her as Jesus told me to: 'Love your neighbor as yourself; do good unto those who persecute you', etc. I would want somebody to give me a loving birthday card, so  I did that for HER, because, I LOVE THE LORD. I left it at her door. She knew that, I was the one behind it, because a couple of weeks after her birthday, when I was walking past her house, she finally thanked me for it, in a very offhanded manner. It didn't change a thing, in her heart, and I did not have any illusions at all, that it would. When, someone, is so willing, to hurt me, that much, in ALL the ways, that she has, deliberately, impacting my quality of life, here, negatively, most of which, I am not even mentioning here, there is no hope. I would NEVER TRUST HER now,

even if she DID suddenly ACT NICE toward me. She is the CONTROL FREAK, and I am the FREE SPIRIT. There is no middle ground, for these two POLAR OPPOSITES.

I keep my faith in GOD, through, all of these things, because I have the BLESSED ASSURANCE that HE BROUGHT ME HERE, for HIS PURPOSES, and I, ABSOLUTELY, COMPLETELY, TRUST HIM! So I am very happy to be here and waiting to see what God will do in my life, despite these and other difficult things. I am excited for my future, here! I see God doing alot of work on me, and in me. Some days I feel like I'm WORSE THAN EVER--- FRUSTRATED at my FAILINGS and struggling to believe that 'God is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me'. Other days, I see myself, growing and changing, for the better, in some ways, and I'm humbled, by that; in awe of how the Potter works this clay that is His daughter, Deborah, on the potter's wheel. I can see, some of the reasons, why God has brought me here.

I am getting to know some women here, now, too, that do not seem to have been tainted, so far, by the gossip and rumors about me that the clique has started and spread. Because of all that being done to me, I'm very traumatized, and tentative, about getting to know, anyone, here, anymore. It has really taken a toll on my life here. I live by, the Bible verse, Romans 8:28, though, and I take God at His Word! I know that I know that I know, that GOD DID THIS MIRACLE, and He brought me here, for His reasons. So, I was Called here, according to His Plan for me. Romans 8:28 says "And we know, that in all things, God works for the good, of those, who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." There is NOTHING, and NO ONE, on Earth that is PERFECT, INCLUDING HERE. I just try to STAY FOCUSED on TRUSTING GOD, and THANKING HIM, for all the POSITIVES about my life here!

I don't DENY or IGNORE the BAD THINGS, and VERY REAL CHALLENGES, that I've had to deal with, during this past year. I AM A REALIST. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I'm just determined to, live my own life, and be as happy, each day, as I possibly can. This clique CANNOT STEAL MY JOY, and they seem to have TRIED to do that MIGHTILY.

The Bible says, "For they sow the wind and they shall reap the whirlwind." (Hosea 8:7) and "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a person sows he will also reap." (Galatians 6:7) I'm just LIVING MY LIFE; not bothering them. God knows all things and searches all hearts. I am in His Hands not the cliques' hands.

                                               

* To 'sift as wheat' means to separate the grain from the chaff.