Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

I appreciate progress. POSITIVE, progress, anyway. There are some situations in this life where progression is not a positive thing. Disease, damage, deterioration, et cetera.

I feel frustrated so often lately because I just cannot seem to get enough traction toward achieving goals that I have for myself. Even though I'm a lot more patient than I used to be (which is ironic in that I have less time left to achieve my goals, now that I am in my late 60s) and I'm able to discipline myself much better when it comes to delayed gratification than I used to be able to do, the hindrances, and obstacles, that I, continually, have to deal with, are dragging me down, mentally.

I am gratified by all the progress that I have made with so many things, and I try to remind myself of that when I start to feel helpless, and hopeless, in the face of the lingering list of things that I still need, and want, to achieve in my life. What I have accomplished is actually impressive by my standards and I need to be proud of all of that. I recall being able to tackle every single thing, on my 'To Do List', in the past, though, and in a relatively short amount of time, which is, no longer the case, in my life. There are some new limitations now that did not exist before that I'm always grappling with. Some are entirely out of my control, and others I could probably do more about, but, for various reasons, I haven't. All of this, causes me to alternate between being mad at the situations and mad at myself, for not doing more about those that I can. >sigh!< EVERY decision, we make, AFFECTS our life.

I can't control that Covid is still in high transmission, including here, although I at least contribute to it not being spread more by my self-isolation away from others which keeps me from catching it. That choice leaves me with virtually no social life though. I don't go to church services or out dancing or eat indoors at restaurants, although I did sit outside of one to eat lunch with a friend, once, a couple of years ago. I don't date, or kiss, or make love (or have an orgasm that isn't coming from my vibrator), because I am 'high risk for serious illness or death' if I catch Covid. I have only had it once, so far, but avoiding catching it again has left me with no life in a lot of ways. The irony is not lost on me, that in trying to protect my life I have in effect stopped living it. I merely exist in 'survival mode', most of the time, since Covid first covered the world with its highly transmissible potential death sentence several years ago. I caught it frighteningly easily a couple of years ago, and had it for 8 days. I couldn't taste my food, and my breathing seemed to struggle around the 6th day, which scared me, because of seeing the images of intubated patients in ICUs and refrigerated trucks acting as morgues, as well as hearing the constant sound of ambulance sirens back then because of this pandemic. Some Long Covid symptoms that I developed eventually left me, although I was stressed by my not knowing whether that would be the case, at the time. Catching Covid-- EVER!-- is clearly a crapshoot, and is a gamble that I am not willing to take, for anything, or anyone, currently in my life. For me it would be too great a sacrifice, because of a lifetime of my return on investment being so poor when I allow people into my life and close to me. No one knows, each time they catch Covid, how serious it will be, for them, until they are in the throes of it. Based on how my life has gone and the
sacrifices that I have made, in order to socialize with people, in general, and most especially for those that I have loved, what I would be risking, to expose myself to other people, is simply not worth, what that could cost me, for what it gives me. I don't just mean, health wise. I mean, in any, and even, every, way. PEOPLE, have not been worth it for me. Humans have done me much more harm than good, and because of that I don't see taking life or death risks for them to be a smart choice.

One of my personal goals is to learn to dance the tango, although now that I'm 68 I have serious doubts about my knees being able to do the steps without buckling. I even have a very specific song that I want to dance the tango to-- David Bowie's 'Let's Dance'. I realized one day when I had two tabs up on my computer that this song syncs perfectly with the tango moves! [David Bowie - Let's Dance (Official Video) - YouTube] While I like traditional tango music, also, Bowie's song just motivates me more! This style of dance is very much in-your-face for many of the steps, though, which makes it one of those high-risk behaviors I do my best to avoid altogether. I would not want my tango dance to 'go viral', in the pathogenic sense, of the word. The risk of catching Covid continually complicates my life! Sadly, I decided against pursuing learning the dance steps that I long to do, because of my trying to avoid potential missteps in my goal of protecting my health, and along with that my life. 

I have a lifelong phobia* of needles, but, terror, over the Covid pandemic, caused  me to finally be willing to take the first two Pfizer vaccines for it in 2021. The only noticeable physical reaction I had to the first one was the shot site soreness, that is typical for injections into the arm, which lasted for a few days. When I took the second shot, though, I became alarmed, because I felt so unwell from that, and it took a longer time to stop feeling those effects. It seemed like all my organs were inflamed by the vaccine-- especially my kidneys. I actually felt poisoned! Because of that, and my not knowing if the shots did anything to damage my body, in any way-- and, if they did, would that be permanent harm?-- I stopped getting Covid vaccines, ever since then; protecting myself by solely relying on almost complete social isolation, along with mask wearing as needed. I just haven't come across a good reason for me to risk it. I am a loner by nature, as well. I LIKE being alone. 

Finally having a home of my very own was amazing progress that I honestly never thought I would have in my lifetime. My finances took a hit, though, with both the expected and unexpected expenses that come with that. I can't just call a landlord and have him send the maintenance man to repair things, anymore. I have to find and hire my own contractors now, and pay them, myself, for everything they do. I don't even own a car, so I am by no means an affluent person. More than 3 years into it I still have a list of things that this house needs that will cost me thousands of dollars to do. Money that I don't even have, right now. I have to get my savings built up again, though, because I am all alone in this life, with no one to take care of me, but me (and God), and I don't have the income to do both of these things, at the same time. It has to be, one or the other. Right now, I am more concerned about getting some money saved in the bank again if only as an Emergency Fund because it is way too stressful for me knowing that there is nothing there now for any possible life event that I might face. The house does need those things done, at some point, though, and that will probably drain my bank account, again, as I start trying to accomplish all that; hopefully, sometime next year. While having a home of my very own is a huge step forward from where I was, there have been some significant setbacks, from the beginning, that have thwarted my progress.

I was a homeless veteran just a few years before God made it possible for me to own this home. This house is the greatest blessing He's EVER given me, after the great Gift of Himself, and my cockatiel baby, CeeBee, who 'flew Home to Heaven' in 2011. NO HUMAN BEING is even in THE TOP THREE BLESSINGS of my life, for me. I don't think my standards are too high, and regardless, they are what they are. Too many people, who have been in my life, have fallen short, let me down, and worst of all, damaged me, by their presence. Because, of that, I have a dim view of much of humanity, and I am very circumspect when dealing with people. 

What I have been subjected to by people here certainly hasn't helped that view, and in fact, has made the aversion even more pronounced, in me. I had to start scheduling VA telehealth mental health appointments, because of it. I have also called the VA Crisis Line at times, when I have been unable to reduce the stress from this situation, by myself. The gossip, lies, and, truly, horrible, rumors, that the clique here started, and spread, about me, has damaged my reputation and my relationships in this community. It is hard to see neighbors that I could have had good friendships with changing, toward me, because they have heard-- and apparently, believed-- these things about me. Finally having my own home, has been greatly diminished and offset by my having to live my life in the face of all the ongoing defamation of me. I even had another telehealth call about it today. 

When I told my primary care provider that I needed to be scheduled for regular mental health appointments, now, because of this situation being so depressing and distressing to me, to the point that, I became so despondent about it that I didn't know if I could survive it, at one point, and I told her just a couple of the lies that have been told about me by clique members, she was shocked by what she heard was being done to me, to the point that she became speechless. She was so stunned that I had to say to her, on the phone call, "Are you still there?" Hers was a, normal, reaction, to how I have been treated by these people, but I very rarely get that reaction from anyone here, that I have ever reached out to, about it. I even got scolded angrily by one woman here, for simply trying to tell her why her saying to me about it, "Well Deb, people will be people" was a tone deaf assessment of the seriousness of the situation. I was actually explaining to her at the time that my despair over it and the stress and strain it put me under had very nearly cost me my life, when I began to briefly consider suicide, due to  it, in May of 2023. She literally YELLED at me, and said that, 'She didn't want to hear it!' She had no trouble hearing the ugly gossip and lies, about me, though; that was clear to see. She adamantly dismissed the 'clique stuff' as simply being something that I was either, overexaggerating, or it didn't exist, at all. That was very unhelpful to me. My primary care provider's, stunned, reaction to what I've been put through by these people here was an absolutely accurate response, for the seriousness of the situation. It is comforting, to have someone acknowledge the difficulty of living surrounded by the very group of people doing this to me. I have the intense inner conflict of LOVING my home, AND the surrounding area I live in here, but feeling extremely stressed and anxious about how much my life has been altered here, by these, toxic-tongued, bitches. Since it started my first day here, by the main instigator, on my street, I have NEVER had a FAIR chance  to get to know other people here, without them being skeptical, or even wary, of me, because of the horrible and often untrue things they have heard ABOUT ME. So, even as I have gotten more settled here, I have this ongoing obstacle that is

a form of oppression, that I'm forced to deal with, in order to live here; that I try  to overcome, often unsuccessfully, because of dangerous, damaging, defamation.

This situation pervades every aspect of my life, in this, otherwise, idyllic setting.

It all originated from one bigmouth bitch neighbor on my street that did not like my setting boundaries with her because she was so intrusive so often that I had no sense of peace, or privacy, in my life-- two things that I have always needed. She is clearly a NARCISSIST-- the THIRD one, to be the bane of my existence** on this earth, after, my own mother, and my last husband. Narcissists, are, THE  MOST DAMAGING PEOPLE that I have EVER encountered-- especially when they make ME their TARGET. They are so PUNITIVE. Their GOAL is to cause you harm. It is NOT a 'fair fight', with them, AT ALL. They seek to DESTROY you if they can, and IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM that you have not done ANYTHING to them to DESERVE THAT from them. It adds INSULT to INJURY that she is also a Christian.

She and I are both in our latter years of life now, and she is even older than I am (so you would think that she would know better, at her age-- only narcissism is a pathology not an ideology), but she chose this path for our relationship. I will not ever be able to have a happy or healthy relationship with this person BECAUSE of all the shockingly cruel things that she's said about me, to our mutual neighbors.

Every day, I thank God for my finally having the perfect home for me, and I hear the sweetest bird calls in the trees outside my window. But every day I also have to deal with my anxiety, because of the things this woman has instigated against me, and I dread even taking my trash out when I need to, just because I have to walk past, not only her house, but the group of neighbors on my street that she's turned against me. It is PURE EVIL, this woman has done to me, and to my life. I have NEVER DESERVED THIS from her-- or from my mother, or my last husband, either. Narcissists don't have a rational reason, for targeting someone, and doing all they can to destroy the person's life. Something dark in their soul drives them to do it. That doesn't excuse it though. She will have to face God about it too, on Judgment Day. Below are some things that help explain what a narcissist is like. I also have a Pinterest account that has a Board I titled "Cligue Target", because of the situation that she has created for me here, and the Pins on that explain it too.

Ever notice the most toxic people.. have more people around them? Bc they are fake and full of stories of lies and gossip.. (sad that gets more attention than the truth speaker.. no one wants to hear that. They stand alone.)

"Narcissists constantly seek validation from others. They need people to praise them, admire them, and make them feel important. This need for validation is a weak point because it shows that their self-esteem is not as solid as they pretend it to be. They rely on others to feel good about themselves."

'People who are narcissistic tend to prefer associations with people that are easier for them to control.'

"Narcissists often dislike the word 'no' because it represents a direct challenge to their perceived authority and control," Dr. McGeehan says. "To a narcissist, 'no' can feel like a rejection or a denial of their importance, which can be very threatening to their ego."

A narcissist will give others misleading information about you. They will tell partial truths mixed with lies. They will sow seeds of dissension to cause doubt in the listeners in an effort to turn them against you.

The scapegoat is most often victimized in a variety of ways, and when they attempt to speak out against the victimization, they are disbelieved and called liars. In addition, they are taken through traumatizing smear campaigns to further discredit and disprove them.

Narcissists use baiting to provoke reactions from their targets. This might be a cruel or condescending comment made with the purpose of starting drama/arguments, making people feel inferior, and/or asserting control, and they will always blame the targets for reacting.

A Narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem, when without their actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions.

Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.

The main advice the victim or target of a narcissist gets is "Cut off all contact with them if you can."

https://www.pinterest.com/robinsondeborahg2280/

Here are some Pins from the "Clique Target" Board, which currently has 292 Pins. 

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Truth tellers, whistle-blowers, scapegoats and the real victims are always portrayed as 'crazy.'

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
The truth is irrelevant to toxic individuals. If they can't control you, they set out to ruin you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Targets are usually anyone who is “different” from the organizational norm. Usually victims are competent, educated, resilient, outspoken, challenge the status quo, are more empathic or attractive and tend to be women.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
When people can't get what they want from you, they'll either cut you off, spread lies or recruit others to hate you too.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

When toxic people know they've done you wrong, they'll often become fixated with trying to destroy your reputation by spreading lies and slandering information about your private life. Smear Campaigns are a severe form of bullying.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns are a control tactic.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana
Narcissists will talk horribly about their targets. They get to people who have never met the victim, to make sure the first thing they hear is negative. Then it spreads. It's usually that 'the victim has mental problems', this way no one believes the abuse. #SmearCampaign

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns can insidiously spread with no real direction or control once it starts...

Breakingfree @Breakingfreetwo
It changes things when we realize the narcissist intentionally provokes us. They actually enjoy seeing our grief. Happy, having a good time? That's when they're most likely to strike.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Character assassination and ostracization are used to sever the target's belonging to her community.

Wisdom And Skill @WisdomAndSkill

The narcissist agenda: That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That I can, just by defaming her, damage another human being beyond repair.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Just know what they are doing behind your back is also done in front of God.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

A person who doesn't defend you while someone else slanders you is not a friend.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people can't support you in public because of how they talk about you in private.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017

Some people will never ask for your side of the story, because the side they heard fits how they want to feel about you.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana

Dear abuser, A victim telling their story of your abuse doesn't ruin your reputation or destroy your "perfect life". You did that, when you chose the behavior. Just becuz you're well liked or have a "nice family" doesn't erase the evil your capable of... no matter how long ago.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story, was probably looking for a reason to be against you, anyway.

Diane Langberg, PhD @DianeLangberg
It dishonors victims of abuse when we are silent about their experience or pretend it did not occur or was not important.

Christine @cmd8495
People will notice the change in your attitude towards them but won't notice that it was their behavior that made you change.

Nate Postlethwait @nate_postlethwt
There are a lot of brave and kind people who have very little support. They assume it’s because they’re too much, when the reality is, it's because they’re honest. That’s not something easily digested by most people, but especially in a world where performance is key.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Fake is becoming so acceptable that people get offended when you're being real.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Don't change your authenticity for approval.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice at times. Your bigness is not determined by your capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people are really so delusional that they think it's disrespectful when you don't just sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Some people will vilify you so they feel better about what they did to you. God forbid they be held accountable for their BS.

Tell me no Lies Narcissists @lovewins11011
A narcissist uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their shit behavior. They do this to deflect accountability.

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness @AwareOfTheNarc

If you reconcile with a narcissist after they have done something horrible to you, or violated your boundaries, the abuse gets worse. They’ll punish and blame you for whatever vile thing they did and assume that you’re ok with it because you allowed them back.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
You don't have to defend yourself or argue with those who don't believe you. God saw it all...

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
I don't walk away to teach people a lesson. I walk away because I learned mine. I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

Even when I am taking two steps forward and one step back going through life,  including, at times like this, I am greatly comforted by the Presence of my Lord and knowing that HE gave me this home, and I am in His Will, as I deal with all  these things, that are so discouraging, and destructive. The poem, "Footprints", which I included here, has blessed me so much as I continue my pilgrimage***.

* phobia - "A phobia is an anxiety disorder, defined by an irrational, unrealistic, persistent and excessive fear of an object or situation. Phobias typically result in a rapid onset of fear and are usually present for more than six months. Those affected go to great lengths to avoid the situation or object, to a degree greater than the actual danger posed. If the object or situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant distress." - Wikipedia

** the bane of my existence - "The bane of my existence" is an expression that describes a person, thing, or situation that causes constant annoyance, frustration, or unhappiness. It can be used to describe something that makes life difficult or unbearable.

*** 'Pilgrimage' is often used to describe an individual's journey through life, sometimes as a general description of personal growth and exploration, sometimes, as in Christianity, outlining a particular spiritual focus or pathway which it is believed will lead to encounter with God.

Here Are More Of My Poems And Lyrics....

a haiku 

Summer thunderstorms

Sound like God's bowling alley.

That thought makes me smile.

  Maybe There's A Reason

Maybe I'm just 

too plain, or too thin,

to catch the attention

of the right men.

Maybe my glasses,

or '32B's,

are the things that

are failing to please.

Maybe my age,

makes it too late,

for men to ask me

out on a date.

Maybe because

I seem solemn to some,

they never find out

I'm a whole lot of fun!

Maybe because

I'm a little too wild,

or maybe, for them,

I'm a little too mild.

Maybe   

my not finding love

is not because 

I'm not enough.

Maybe they're 

just not my type,

even when

they do seem nice.

Maybe they

just left a store,

as I was coming

in that door.

Maybe moving

out of state,

cost me the man

I'm meant to date.

Maybe I was

asked to dance,

and he assumed

I have romance.

Politics,

could be why,

I've not found love

with any guy.

Maybe there's

too many jerks,

and guys that have

repulsive quirks.

Maybe he

just doesn't see,

all the good things

about me.

Maybe he 

just got fed up.

Stopped his search.

Gave up on love.

He might be home,

watching TV,

not going out

and finding me.

Maybe he

just got a pet,

and now he feels like,

he's all set.

Maybe he thinks,

he is gay, 

or bi, or something,

but not straight.

Maybe someone 

stole his heart,

before we met.

Kept us apart.

Perhaps the one that

I was meant for,

joined the service

and died in war.

I am a 'night owl',

through and through,

and that could be

the reason, too.

Most folks rise

to greet the day,

but that has never

been my way.

It makes it really

hard to meet,

when they're awake 

while I'm asleep.

Or maybe God 

decided He

wouldn't make 

a man for me.

Regardless of

the reason why,

it is sadly true,

that I, 

have never met

my true soulmate.

It seems like

love is not my fate.

The Object Of Our Love

It's not what they are,

but how we feel,

that lets us know

our love is real.

We feel inspired by

stirred emotion

(which evokes

our deep devotion

to the person,

pet, or thing),

that woke our heart

and made it sing.

That is why,

if feelings change,

though that object

seems the same,

We see it  

in a different way,

than we did

just yesterday.

There's nothing

we can do about,

falling in love,

and falling out.

                                 Love Is A Drug    

Love can be a dangerous drug

when it's toxic but we can't get enough.

When we know that we should leave it alone,

but behave in ways we cannot condone.

It drives us to do things we normally wouldn't.

and act in ways that we probably shouldn't.

It alters the brain and short-circuits our thinking, 

causing poor choices like excessive drinking.

When love's unhealthy it can cause us great pain.

Keep us from sleeping and drive us insane.

It gets in our system and takes full control.

We are left helpless as it grips our soul.

Healthy love can cause us to thrive,

but toxic love can drive us to die.

Going through it is really rough.

I did survive it, but that was tough.

There's nothing worse than trying to get free

of loving someone who didn't love me.

He Didn't Protect My Heart

He looked me in the eyes,

and told me several lies.

The usual game guys play.

When for them it's not real,

they don't care how you feel,

or about what you have to say.

Their ego gets pumped,

and then you get dumped.

It was never about love for them.

Be careful who you

give your heart to,

or never do that again.

                   

                          

Boxes

Stop fitting into boxes
that other folks provide.

Climb out of those containers

and toss them all aside.

They don't get to tell you

who you're s'posed to be.

God's the one who made us 

each to be unique.

I'm Longing For Peace In Turbulent Times

These are turbulent times.

Upheaval, and uncertainty, and strife, seem to be everywhere. There's simply no escaping it anymore, as much as I would like to because I'm burned out by it all. More than anything in the world I would just like to have some real PEACE in my life. That precious privilege has eluded me for most of my life. I burst into tears, today, from feeling totally tired of trying to attain that, because it just seems so, impossible, to me, now, to either find it or keep it. It seems like such a waste of my limited energy to expend the effort to even try to find it or have it. It seems pointless to me to try to get there, from where I am, mentally, and emotionally, almost all the time, anymore. I feel so depleted, even drained dry, at this point, from trying so hard for so long to achieve even a miniscule measure of peace. I just teared up, again, typing that sentence. I am struggling to see my computer screen and keyboard, through my eyes filling with tears, which are now trickling down my cheeks. I have longed for loving relationships my whole life because of coming from a family that was not affectionate, or even particularly affirming. It left me with such a hunger in my soul, to know what the warmth and joy of that would be like; and I am far from the only one. This is such a love-starved world.

Bars exist because people are seeking some peace of mind. There may be longing for love involved, or many other reasons, that patrons come through the doors of those establishments, including, a craving for some excitement, of some sort. But when it is all said and done, if they achieve their goal, whatever that is, they gain some peace of mind. At least, for awhile, and, usually, ahead, of any hangover, or regret sinking in. Churches exist because of people wanting to find some peace of mind. 'Comfort food'* is called that because it brings people peace of mind. When someone inflicts self-harm by cutting themselves, they do it to distract them from mental or emotional anguish, in order to obtain even temporary peace, by feeling some relief, in their troubled soul, despite it being a desperate, and dysfunctional, act, on their part, which has no positive, long term, benefits, for their overall well-being. Whether we're seeking peace through relationships, food, some sort of self-harm, reassurances about eternity, or a lot of other things, what we are craving is that peace. How can anyone possibly find, and hold on to, pervasive or permanent peace, while living life on this planet, that's becoming more turbulent all the time?

The Bible has many verses that say it is indeed possible to live and walk in peace while being on this planet. I have never found any way to do that for longer than mere moments, though, all things taken into account about my life with all of its heartbreak, deprivation, terror, and trauma. Having a deep and profound faith in God and His Grace and Mercy has helped me to have the moments of peace, that  I cling to as my strong, sure foundation as I go about living life in this constantly convulsing world, but it doesn't shut out all the sadness and strife that affect me so deeply, which come from the conflict and chaos, that pervade the planet, now.  I can barely stand to watch the news anymore because it is so anxiety-producing for me. Everything seems to be experiencing a constant crisis: shockingly severe weather events, that many say are due to global warming approaching a point of no return, important elections which will have an impact on everything about our lives, in some way or another, acts of violence, that we have seen are possible to occur, without warning, anywhere, anytime, and, mutating, viruses, that are mild for some, but deadly for others, and there is simply no way to calculate, how this  might affect us, if we become ill. Even, deep faith in God, offers no guarantee, of the outcome, should such things happen to us. The gift of life is far more fragile, than we seem to realize, necessitating, at least for me, that it's always held with deep gratitude and an open hand, even amidst all that is distressing, depressing, and dismaying. For me this is easier said than done, though, and I confess that I have given way to pure despair at times. Especially in recent years, as I confront the uncertainties and unknowns that come with aging and the implications of the many ways that this issue alone can cause disruption, and destruction, to my life. I'm a loner, who lives without much of a support system. Health, financial, or any number of issues can develop into something which prevents me from continuing to maintain my lifestyle in the way I prefer it to be, which would affect my peace. 

The entire world is continually trying to achieve peace. It's just how we go about it that differs so greatly. Some people marry because they seek a peace that a sense of security brings, while others, divorce their spouse, to find peace for themselves, since they didn't find peace in the relationship. Wars are started because someone seeks their own peace at the expense of someone else's. Homes are built, to have the peacefulness of privacy, that flooding and fires demolish. I doubt there is even one American parent of school age children that sends their kids to school without having at least some subconscious apprehension about the possibility of a shooter.

Peace, offers humanity the best chance for survival, and prosperity. Proverbs 17:1 in the Bible (Contemporary English Version) says that, "A dry crust of bread eaten in peace and quiet is better than a feast eaten where everyone argues." There are people we depend on in our communities to keep the peace, including when there are others who are disturbing the peace. Without peace there is no, real, sense of security. Right now, in my personal life, and in America and throughout the world, there are so many threats to peace. The reason that I keep to myself so much, is to try to have, and maintain, my sense of peacefulness, if at all possible. I began to live this way-- as, a loner-- when I was a child, growing up in a household that didn't ever feel truly peaceful to me, at all, or anything else, that was particularly positive. Keeping to myself was a quiet act of desperation, to try, to minimize the damage done to my soul, from sensing the constant undercurrent of tension from the dysfunction of the family dynamic. I never felt emotionally, or mentally, 'safe' in that environment. To this day, I shut down around and shun anyone that gives me that feeling. Even so, it is nearly impossible for me to find much peace inside my own home, all alone, because of 24/7 news and other stressful shows, on the television and on the internet. Everything going on throughout the entire world is almost all reported on, by someone somewhere, making its way into news feeds. Because much of the news affects me, to some degree or other, I feel like I can't just look away, or 'unplug', from seeing or hearing all these things, even as I feel my stress level and blood pressure elevating as I try to assess the implications of it all. We live in a world where mutually assured destruction is a possibility at any time, and some people get into politics for personal gain, rather than for altruistic reasons. If those, who are in control of the situation, aren't caring and careful, we could face things that, if we survived them, would, annihilate, our sense of peace. I long for peace, but I am at the mercy of others, who may not value it, so highly.

There is truth to the saying that 'Ignorance is bliss.' Little children wave at anyone and hug everyone. Then they are taught biases and prejudices. They get hurt, and maybe even violated in some way that scars them for life, by the people they care about and trusted. Their youthful optimism gets severely challenged, as their view of this world they live in enlarges with new information and understanding. I recall how shocked and sad I felt, as a high school student, when we were shown a film,

about the atomic bomb, and the devastating destruction that weapon caused. The realization of such a thing being unleashed on this planet was hard for me to bear.

Now, I know so much more, about human nature and politics and governance and wars. I don't have the luxury of any naivete regarding what's at stake and what is possible. Underneath this and other overarching threats to my very existence, I'm just trying to be as happy as possible, given my situation. As the years gave gone by, that has gotten a lot harder for me. I have more financial vulnerabilities now. I have more health issues now. I have less time in my lifespan now. These facts and more, crowd into my thoughts, and emotions, at random times, on any given day.

I try to focus on the positives and there are many of those but it's a daily struggle and a constant challenge. Music helps. Exercise helps. Laughing helps. Nature, can help, such as when I hear beautiful birdsongs outside my window. But underneath everything is my feeling of frustration that some of my deepest heart's desires are not happening for me, and perhaps never will happen for me. Especially given the world as it is now. Even the fact that thousands of men in my age group died, in a war, as young men, depriving thousands of women from the chance of knowing or loving them, very possibly including me, makes me both sad and angry. It may be the sole reason that I never met my Mr. Right. Guys who were just ahead of me in school were drafted to fight in Vietnam. What was really accomplished with all the sacrifice of those lives? Those men could have loved and been loved, instead of it. I have, still, NEVER KNOWN, what BEING LOVED, WELL, BY SOMEONE feels like. I often think about those men, that died in the war of my generation, because of it.

                                                                                  

Although stress enters my life though the media inside my home, the most stress for me has always come from interacting with other people. I have come to dread it, because it is so often such a letdown to me, and even worse, does me damage in ways. I have been truly traumatized by peoples' treatment of me, which affects me a lot. Perhaps their behavior is how they handle their own lack of peace, but I can't handle more cruel blows to my psyche, at this point, so I mostly avoid other human beings, now, to try to avoid additional harm being inflicted on me by them.

That creates a conflict inside me, though, because I can't find my person, or other loving, and nurturing, relationships, if I do not go outside my house and socialize. I can either, cut my losses, or take a risk. I have become very risk averse, though.

I do think it's vital to not expose myself to people who have shown me that, they are not for me, and do not have my best interests at heart. I will NEVER want to be around or socialize with people that I don't genuinely enjoy their company. It isn't worth it to me to settle for that. I would rather do without altogether. If I'm not blessed by someone's presence in my life, then I prefer their absence. I love  to smile and laugh! The people that I most enjoy being with are those who bring laughter to my life. The person that I have loved most, was someone who made me laugh, so easily, and so often. They were such a blessing to me because of it.

Most of my life is lived now, so I am more selective than ever about who I spend my time with. I realize, more than ever, how very, very, precious time itself is. If someone or something does not make me happy, I don't want it in my life, at all.

I think that everyone wants peace, but when someone takes it at someone else's expense, it will never truly be peace; for them, or for the one(s) they deprived of it. That often has both unforeseen consequences and a ripple effect on more than just the person(s) they took peace away from to have their own at their expense. These are people who want something else, more than they want to live in peace. For me, I gauge the 'success' of my day based on how peaceful it was, as well as how productive. I always feel better on the days I get things done, but I only feel it was a 'good' day if I came through it maintaining my sense of personal peace. I have a lot of daily struggles, with anxiety, and OCD, and sometimes, even darker, things, like depression, and despondency, so it is really notable and unfortunately rare, in these times, if I get through a day feeling relatively at peace in my world.

 

Having a home of my own is a haven for me for having more peace in my life, for many reasons, but because of the viciousness of the clique defamation of me with all the gossip, and lies, that has turned so many against me, I have been, terribly traumatized, here, too. So, the bad has canceled out the good, so far, and I am in an 'existing' mode, rather than a 'living fully' mode, as I try to deal with the huge drain on my soul, of all that evil that has been unleashed against me here, mostly by OTHER CHRISTIANS, who SHOULD know, they are ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD, for this. I have called the Veterans Crisis Line, many times, because of the distress it causes me, and I have telehealth counseling sessions with a mental health doctor due to it, also. This situation has sadly stolen my joy, which I really miss having. I love the sense of security I get in the peace and quiet of my own home, but peace is hard to have even with the shades drawn and the door locked, because of being

surrounded by these people. I am in constant emotional conflict because my home is the BEST earthly blessing God's EVER given me but the community the house is in does not feel 'safe' for me mentally, emotionally, and sometimes, physically. My faith in God, is what's kept me, through all this, and my knowing that, He blessed me with my home. It will be, three years, in August, that I came here, because of God blessing me with my house, but this campaign of cruelty, against me, started MY VERY FIRST DAY here. It has REALLY TAKEN A TOLL ON ME. I have asked God, at times, if He has changed His Will that I be here, but He CONTINUES to TELL me that HE HAS A REASON for ME to be HERE, and HE DOES NOT LIE, so I trust Him.

PEACE is VERY HARD to FIND here, for me, but GOD is my peace, especially when I can't find it in my circumstances or situation. I can tell you for a fact I would not have made it this far in my life, or living in this kind of heartbreaking meanness, if it were not for God being my life, my everything, and my all in all! My attempts to find peace, in other ways, have not gone very well. I often end up getting agitated

BECAUSE I am trying to center myself, in a sense of peace, but, it is ELUDING me. I usually do better when, I just, cry to out God, for his Grace, to help me, because IT MAKES SUCH A DIFFERENCE, in my day. There is nothing like the Grace of God!

Rather than STRUGGLING TO FIND PEACE, I just RECEIVE HIS PEACE, as a gift, to me, and as long as I REST IN THAT PEACE, it REMAINS, WITH ME, throughout, the day. If I start fussing and fretting, that amazing Grace lifts from me, leaving me to struggle, in my own strength, because of taking my focus off of God. It is nowhere close to being adequate to deal with all of the stress in my life now, though, that's

constantly coming from so many sources, of all sizes. God's GRACE is what makes EVERYTHING easier to bear, easier to cope with, easier to do, and easier to rejoice in, despite the trials and tribulations that come with these things. I am grateful to God, but even more than that, I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD. HE is truly, my all in all.

 

Amazing Grace 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see

*Comfort food- food that provides consolation or a feeling of well-being, typically any with a high sugar or other carbohydrate content and associated with childhood or home cooking.