I can't control that Covid is still in high transmission, including here, although I at least contribute to it not being spread more by my self-isolation away from others which keeps me from catching it. That choice leaves me with virtually no social life though. I don't go to church services or out dancing or eat indoors at restaurants, although I did sit outside of one to eat lunch with a friend, once, a couple of years ago. I don't date, or kiss, or make love (or have an orgasm that isn't coming from my vibrator), because I am 'high risk for serious illness or death' if I catch Covid. I have only had it once, so far, but avoiding catching it again has left me with no life in a lot of ways. The irony is not lost on me, that in trying to protect my life I have in effect stopped living it. I merely exist in 'survival mode', most of the time, since Covid first covered the world with its highly transmissible potential death sentence several years ago. I caught it frighteningly easily a couple of years ago, and had it for 8 days. I couldn't taste my food, and my breathing seemed to struggle around the 6th day, which scared me, because of seeing the images of intubated patients in ICUs and refrigerated trucks acting as morgues, as well as hearing the constant sound of ambulance sirens back then because of this pandemic. Some Long Covid symptoms that I developed eventually left me, although I was stressed by my not knowing whether that would be the case, at the time. Catching Covid-- EVER!-- is clearly a crapshoot, and is a gamble that I am not willing to take, for anything, or anyone, currently in my life. For me it would be too great a sacrifice, because of a lifetime of my return on investment being so poor when I allow people into my life and close to me. No one knows, each time they catch Covid, how serious it will be, for them, until they are in the throes of it. Based on how my life has gone and the
sacrifices that I have made, in order to socialize with people, in general, and most especially for those that I have loved, what I would be risking, to expose myself to other people, is simply not worth, what that could cost me, for what it gives me. I don't just mean, health wise. I mean, in any, and even, every, way. PEOPLE, have not been worth it for me. Humans have done me much more harm than good, and because of that I don't see taking life or death risks for them to be a smart choice.
One of my personal goals is to learn to dance the tango, although now that I'm 68 I have serious doubts about my knees being able to do the steps without buckling. I even have a very specific song that I want to dance the tango to-- David Bowie's 'Let's Dance'. I realized one day when I had two tabs up on my computer that this song syncs perfectly with the tango moves! [David Bowie - Let's Dance (Official Video) - YouTube]
While I like traditional tango music, also, Bowie's song just motivates me more! This style of dance is very much in-your-face for many of the steps, though, which makes it one of those high-risk behaviors I do my best to avoid altogether. I would not want my tango dance to 'go viral', in the pathogenic sense, of the word. The risk of catching Covid continually complicates my life! Sadly, I decided against pursuing learning the dance steps that I long to do, because of my trying to avoid potential missteps in my goal of protecting my health, and along with that my life.
I have a lifelong phobia* of needles, but, terror, over the Covid pandemic, caused me to finally be willing to take the first two Pfizer vaccines for it in 2021. The only noticeable physical reaction I had to the first one was the shot site soreness, that is typical for injections into the arm, which lasted for a few days. When I took the second shot, though, I became alarmed, because I felt so unwell from that, and it took a longer time to stop feeling those effects. It seemed like all my organs were inflamed by the vaccine-- especially my kidneys. I actually felt poisoned! Because of that, and my not knowing if the shots did anything to damage my body, in any way-- and, if they did, would that be permanent harm?-- I stopped getting Covid vaccines, ever since then; protecting myself by solely relying on almost complete social isolation, along with mask wearing as needed. I just haven't come across a good reason for me to risk it. I am a loner by nature, as well. I LIKE being alone.
Finally having a home of my very own was amazing progress that I honestly never thought I would have in my lifetime. My finances took a hit, though, with both the expected and unexpected expenses that come with that. I can't just call a landlord and have him send the maintenance man to repair things, anymore. I have to find and hire my own contractors now, and pay them, myself, for everything they do. I don't even own a car, so I am by no means an affluent person. More than 3 years into it I still have a list of things that this house needs that will cost me thousands of dollars to do. Money that I don't even have, right now. I have to get my savings built up again, though, because I am all alone in this life, with no one to take care of me, but me (and God), and I don't have the income to do both of these things, at the same time. It has to be, one or the other. Right now, I am more concerned about getting some money saved in the bank again if only as an Emergency Fund because it is way too stressful for me knowing that there is nothing there now for any possible life event that I might face. The house does need those things done, at some point, though, and that will probably drain my bank account, again, as I start trying to accomplish all that; hopefully, sometime next year. While having a home of my very own is a huge step forward from where I was, there have been some significant setbacks, from the beginning, that have thwarted my progress.
I was a homeless veteran just a few years before God made it possible for me to own this home. This house is the greatest blessing He's EVER given me, after the great Gift of Himself, and my cockatiel baby, CeeBee, who 'flew Home to Heaven' in 2011. NO HUMAN BEING is even in THE TOP THREE BLESSINGS of my life, for me. I don't think my standards are too high, and regardless, they are what they are. Too many people, who have been in my life, have fallen short, let me down, and worst of all, damaged me, by their presence. Because, of that, I have a dim view of much of humanity, and I am very circumspect when dealing with people.
What I have been subjected to by people here certainly hasn't helped that view, and in fact, has made the aversion even more pronounced, in me. I had to start scheduling VA telehealth mental health appointments, because of it. I have also called the VA Crisis Line at times, when I have been unable to reduce the stress from this situation, by myself. The gossip, lies, and, truly, horrible, rumors, that the clique here started, and spread, about me, has damaged my reputation and my relationships in this community. It is hard to see neighbors that I could have had good friendships with changing, toward me, because they have heard-- and apparently, believed-- these things about me. Finally having my own home, has been greatly diminished and offset by my having to live my life in the face of all the ongoing defamation of me. I even had another telehealth call about it today.
When I told my primary care provider that I needed to be scheduled for regular mental health appointments, now, because of this situation being so depressing and distressing to me, to the point that, I became so despondent about it that I didn't know if I could survive it, at one point, and I told her just a couple of the lies that have been told about me by clique members, she was shocked by what she heard was being done to me, to the point that she became speechless. She was so stunned that I had to say to her, on the phone call, "Are you still there?" Hers was a, normal, reaction, to how I have been treated by these people, but I very rarely get that reaction from anyone here, that I have ever reached out to, about it. I even got scolded angrily by one woman here, for simply trying to tell her why her saying to me about it, "Well Deb, people will be people" was a tone deaf assessment of the seriousness of the situation. I was actually explaining to her at the time that my despair over it and the stress and strain it put me under had very nearly cost me my life, when I began to briefly consider suicide, due to it, in May of 2023. She literally YELLED at me, and said that, 'She didn't want to hear it!' She had no trouble hearing the ugly gossip and lies, about me, though; that was clear to see. She adamantly dismissed the 'clique stuff' as simply being something that I was either, overexaggerating, or it didn't exist, at all. That was very unhelpful to me. My primary care provider's, stunned, reaction to what I've been put through by these people here was an absolutely accurate response, for the seriousness of the situation. It is comforting, to have someone acknowledge the difficulty of living surrounded by the very group of people doing this to me. I have the intense inner conflict of LOVING my home, AND the surrounding area I live in here, but feeling extremely stressed and anxious about how much my life has been altered here, by these, toxic-tongued, bitches. Since it started my first day here, by the main instigator, on my street, I have NEVER had a FAIR chance to get to know other people here, without them being skeptical, or even wary, of me, because of the horrible and often untrue things they have heard ABOUT ME. So, even as I have gotten more settled here, I have this ongoing obstacle that is
a form of oppression, that I'm forced to deal with, in order to live here; that I try to overcome, often unsuccessfully, because of dangerous, damaging, defamation.
This situation pervades every aspect of my life, in this, otherwise, idyllic setting.
It all originated from one bigmouth bitch neighbor on my street that did not like my setting boundaries with her because she was so intrusive so often that I had no sense of peace, or privacy, in my life-- two things that I have always needed. She is clearly a NARCISSIST-- the THIRD one, to be the bane of my existence** on this earth, after, my own mother, and my last husband. Narcissists, are, THE MOST DAMAGING PEOPLE that I have EVER encountered-- especially when they make ME their TARGET. They are so PUNITIVE. Their GOAL is to cause you harm. It is NOT a 'fair fight', with them, AT ALL. They seek to DESTROY you if they can, and IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM that you have not done ANYTHING to them to DESERVE THAT from them. It adds INSULT to INJURY that she is also a Christian.
She and I are both in our latter years of life now, and she is even older than I am (so you would think that she would know better, at her age-- only narcissism is a pathology not an ideology), but she chose this path for our relationship. I will not ever be able to have a happy or healthy relationship with this person BECAUSE of all the shockingly cruel things that she's said about me, to our mutual neighbors.
Every day, I thank God for my finally having the perfect home for me, and I hear the sweetest bird calls in the trees outside my window. But every day I also have to deal with my anxiety, because of the things this woman has instigated against me, and I dread even taking my trash out when I need to, just because I have to walk past, not only her house, but the group of neighbors on my street that she's turned against me. It is PURE EVIL, this woman has done to me, and to my life. I have NEVER DESERVED THIS from her-- or from my mother, or my last husband, either. Narcissists don't have a rational reason, for targeting someone, and doing all they can to destroy the person's life. Something dark in their soul drives them to do it. That doesn't excuse it though. She will have to face God about it too, on Judgment Day. Below are some things that help explain what a narcissist is like. I also have a Pinterest account that has a Board I titled "Cligue Target", because of the situation that she has created for me here, and the Pins on that explain it too.
Ever notice the most toxic people.. have more people around them? Bc they are fake and full of stories of lies and gossip.. (sad that gets more attention than the truth speaker.. no one wants to hear that. They stand alone.)
"Narcissists constantly seek validation from others. They need people to praise them, admire them, and make them feel important. This need for validation is a weak point because it shows that their self-esteem is not as solid as they pretend it to be. They rely on others to feel good about themselves."
'People who are narcissistic tend to prefer associations with people that are easier for them to control.'
"Narcissists often dislike the word 'no' because it represents a direct challenge to their perceived authority and control," Dr. McGeehan says. "To a narcissist, 'no' can feel like a rejection or a denial of their importance, which can be very threatening to their ego."
A narcissist will give others misleading information about you. They will tell partial truths mixed with lies. They will sow seeds of dissension to cause doubt in the listeners in an effort to turn them against you.
The scapegoat is most often victimized in a variety of ways, and when they attempt to speak out against the victimization, they are disbelieved and called liars. In addition, they are taken through traumatizing smear campaigns to further discredit and disprove them.
Narcissists use baiting to provoke reactions from their targets. This might be a cruel or condescending comment made with the purpose of starting drama/arguments, making people feel inferior, and/or asserting control, and they will always blame the targets for reacting.
A Narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem, when without their actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions.
Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.
The main advice the victim or target of a narcissist gets is "Cut off all contact with them if you can."
Here are some Pins from the "Clique Target" Board, which currently has 292 Pins. 
