It Is What It Is: This Is My Final Blog Post

This is my final blog post. There are several reasons for this, including that I have concluded over the course of the six years that I have written these posts that the 'ascent' which I have hoped for, and strived for, could very likely never happen. At least, not to the extent that would even make it something worth writing about. I started this blog in 2019, and this is my 101st post. That number represents a lot of hours of soul searching, dark confessions, slim hopes and lots of tears from the heartbreak that I've grappled with and am trying to heal from, for most of my life.

Many of you may recall my struggling with the decision about whether to continue to blog, and if so, how often. My reasons for that ranged from my having physical pain from carpal tunnel type symptoms, when I was originally attempting to write very lengthy, detailed, posts, every week, to my moving, to where I am now, and feeling frustrated, because I feel that I can't write openly about much of what I'm experiencing now, because it is my present circumstances, rather than past ones, that the majority of my posts are about. There are several reasons that I feel that I can't write more details about a lot of people and things affecting me here, from my own personal safety to the fact that these blog posts are read by people in 70 countries now, and the people who are in my life, in, any, way-- whether they are affecting my life in good or bad ways-- have a reasonable expectation to live their own lives without things being said about them on the internet 'for all the world to see'. Believe me, the temptation, at times, for me to do a 'Tell All' about, some, of these people, was real. Especially, when they have pissed me off! But, I didn't use this blog to do that, even though some of them may feel that I did at times. I told the truth about my own life, which includes, anything, and anyone, in my life, that has had an impact on it in any meaningful or lasting way. I was very honest about what I shared here, even when it revealed some ugly truth about me and things I have done which, I wish, I could undo. Because of that candor, this blog is able to describe who I am, for better and for worse, and my posts can answer almost any question that someone has about me of any importance. It really is, my life story, up until it ends with this post. Whatever does or doesn't happen, to and for me, in the future, will never be revealed here, now. Not even significant developments in my life, should those ever occur. Given, my past, my age, and my situation I must conclude at this point that, the odds of my dreams coming true aren't in my favor.

                                               

Why am I deciding to definitely stop writing this now? I have already shared some of the reasons that I have considered doing this, in my previous posts, but there's one overarching reason that was the deciding factor for me, after my ambivalence about ending my blog. It goes all the way back to what I chose to call my blog, in 2019, as I began this journaling journey: "Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections". I just got tears in my eyes typing that, because it hints at a feeling of optimism, a determination, in my mindset, and, maybe, just, deep, faith-- that I still had, back then-- that, somehow, God would make a way, where there seemed to be no way, or perhaps a miracle would be imparted to me by the Universe, which would finally fulfill the deepest desires of my very human heart. I am actually a realist at my core, though, and I just don't see that ever happening.

I am battle-scarred and very burned out, but I have some sense of pride that I've at least 'survived' everything that I've been through, in my life, however torn and tattered I am by it all. The dark night of the soul has surely taken a toll on me but what has led to my decision to stop blogging about my life is my acknowledgment that, even the best of what has happened to and for me can't be considered to be any significant 'ascent' that would deliver me out of the dark, and into the light of all the love and laughter that I have dreamed about, and prayed for, for so long. I do tell God that, I know, He is good to me, in so many ways, for which I am truly, deeply, grateful. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and even though I will spend it alone, by choice-- given the other available alternatives, which were not anything that's particularly appealing to me-- because of the Covid virus, among other things-- I am well aware that, I am so blessed, in so many ways. It is my being deprived of or denied a fulfilling romantic relationship that gets me down, the most, though. I am a passionate person (and frankly, a very 'horny' one), so being celibate for 26 years, and counting, at this point, has been extremely frustrating, and unfulfilling, for me. I make regular use of my vibrators, and they serve me very well. But I've wanted to do things, with a man, that I just can't do with a machine. That is what I'm missing most, in my life. Just because the hair turns gray on the outside does not mean there is any diminishing of, 'the fire in the furnace', within, so to speak!

My sense of humor, even about disappointments and deprivations, is what carries me through, many times, when I have no alternative but to laugh or cry, so I will share some of that with you regarding this otherwise hopeless-seeming situation.  I wrote about John Noble, AKA 'JDaddy74' online, in a previous post. Whenever I watch one of his videos-- especially, the ones with his shirt off-- it just makes me smile. (I love a hairy chest on a man!) His facial features don't appeal to me, but  I put a photo of him in a black hat and no shirt on my large desktop computer as my lock screen background. So, every day, I smile to myself, because while I am turning on my computer, it is TURNING ME ON, too! (The photo is below.) It gets even better, though! I ALSO, made this photo the lock screen background for my smartphone, so every time I need to unlock my phone, I have to stroke his body somewhere, with my finger, to do that. The available 'choices' are ALL delightful, and delicious, for me! Umm, umm, UMM! (I am SMILING, really BIG, right now!)

    

 John Noble, AKA JDaddy74 

Some sombersome situations have happened, though, which are things that I can find nothing funny about, at all. This past Saturday, I got an email from my sister, saying that Dad died, on September 10th of this year. If you read my posts about him, and our relationship, then you will know that, I was No Contact with him, for many years, and I vowed that I would not attend his funeral when he didn't allow me to be at my brother Mike's funeral after he committed suicide by gun. I was in Omaha, Nebraska and wasn't to blame in any way for Mike's death in Greensboro, North Carolina. My mother, sent me, ONE, very small, color, photo, of my brother, lying in his casket. That was all my family shared with me, in the whole situation, and there was absolutely no reason, for it. I have no issue, whatsoever, with Pam not telling me about Dad's death sooner. I was fine with that. I felt nothing, about his passing, because he really never engaged in a relationship with me even while I spent 18 years growing up in his house. He spent so much time watching TV. He would glare at me scornfully, or snap at me angrily, if I dared, to interrupt that, in any way. He was a fearsome figure in the household, that had a chilling effect. We all make choices in life, and those have consequences. Both my parents are gone, now, but they were already long gone from my life for years due to their behavior toward me causing me to go No Contact. My mother was actually a narcissist and my dad was an absentee father-- even when, he was in the same house with me. Neither of them were affirming or affectionate toward me. These people were not what I would call a 'loving' family. It wasn't a warm, nurturing, safe-feeling home.

It could be argued that they showed love in their own way but it was often hurtful and harmful, and I finally went No Contact, to try, to heal, from the damage, and destructiveness, of how they treated me. NO love, can be better than BAD love. I did what I had to do, to survive the dysfunction in that family. I wish, it had been different-- better-- for all of us. My sister Pam, who was the youngest member of my family of origin, once told me that, after the rest of us were grown and gone, she had to intervene to break up physical fights between our parents. How awful for her! When I was very little, their fights escalated into, physical, violence also, which was genuinely terrifying to me as a small child that depended on these two grownups for my very survival; traumatizing me in ways I never recovered from. My son, Jay, once chastised me that I 'made my mother cry', though. My mother and father made sure to undermine my relationship with my son which led to my heartbreaking decision to transfer his custody to his father and stepmother, to be raised by them, the rest of the way, after I had been the only one caring for him, 24/7, after he was born, while his dad was too busy socializing to bother with it. I contacted my son after he was grown, and HE made ME cry, by disrespecting me!

I chose to be SELFLESS, in order to give him the BEST possible life he could have. I had never even wanted to have any kids because I was so afraid that the family dysfunction would cause my relationship with any kids of my own to become toxic as well. Ironically, that is exactly what happened, anyway, due to the way that my family portrayed me. As my son grew up, he heard that, I was the black sheep, of the family (their SCAPEGOAT, actually, to keep any focus off THEIR OWN sins). He bought into it, and after he and I had remained close for several years of his early childhood, he ultimately cut off his relationship with me for no reason that he ever gave me, when he was in his early 20s. I reached out to him when he was around 38 years old, but he clearly did not want a relationship with me, so I let it go. But, I messaged him, again, this year, just to send my condolences, when I saw online that his stepmother, who had raised him with his father, had passed away, in May of this year. I sent a sympathy card to Jim, as well, but, neither one of them ever acknowledged, or responded to, that. I wrote something on my Facebook account about Linnea when she passed though that shows who I am and MY HEART about it. I'm copying & pasting that below, for you to see. This is what I said about her:

"Deborah Robinson

June 8

I came across a post indicating that my son's stepmother passed away, less than a month ago.

Linnea was without a doubt THE BEST HUMAN BEING that I have EVER KNOWN in my life!

She was technically his stepmother because I gave birth to my son, but I transferred his custody to his father, my ex-husband, Jim Carlin, after telling him that I REALLY LIKED HER, and that I would give him custody of our son Jay IF HE MARRIED LINNEA. They married soon after.

I JUST KNEW that SHE was SOMEONE SPECIAL, and would be a great influence on both Jim and our baby boy Jay. It was the best possible resolution of a bad situation. (Jim had only married me because I unexpectedly became pregnant, which neither of us had planned on, or really wanted.)

While I was in the process of divorcing Jim, I suggested that he spend his evenings teaching ballroom dance instead of just going out. He was a career Air Force officer at the time, but I had seen a job ad in the paper for Ballroom Dance Instructors, and he already had that training. He took my advice, and THAT is how HE MET LINNEA. They fell in love before our divorce was even final. HE NEEDED HER, and SHE NEEDED HIM. They were PERFECT FOR ONE ANOTHER!

IT NEARLY KILLED ME to LET GO of MY GUYS that I LOVED SO MUCH, but I knew IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR JIM AND JAY, AND THEIR HAPPINESS, and I WAS RIGHT!

Because Linnea was THE PERFECT MOTHER for Jay, after THEY had BEEN A FAMILY for a while, and I could see that IT WAS INDEED GOING VERY WELL, I told her that I wanted to give my parental rights to Jay up, for her to be able to adopt Jay as her own son.

Ironically, I had a baby, but never wanted to do that, because I was afraid my family's dysfunction would make me a bad mother, but SHE was the PERFECT mother-figure who was never able to have her own children to raise. She did adopt Jay, so in the eyes of the law I HAVE NO SON, and she and Jim adopted a Korean girl while Jim was stationed there in the Air Force. They did have a baby girl of their own, but she died during childbirth, as I understand it. LIFE IS TRULY ODD, WITH HOW THINGS GO, AT TIMES.

She had not asked me to legally give up my son to her, because she was so compassionate, including toward me, and she KNEW how HARD THAT WOULD BE for me to do. But, after I approached her about it, because it was [the] best thing for Jay, and for them, traveling the world with Jim in the service, she and I went to a judge TOGETHER, to get it done, which floored the judge, who had not seen that kind of mutual love and supportiveness between an ex-wife and the new wife, before. Then we made a copy of the decree that would fit into a picture frame, and surprised Jim with that, for a Christmas gift, because he had told her that I would not ever do that because of how deeply I loved my son. It was BECAUSE I LOVED JAY that I WANTED TO DO THAT.

But, EVEN MORE THAN THAT, I did it because LINNEA WAS WORTH IT.

She was one of those people that BLESSES EVERYBODY SHE MEETS. She was gracious, caring, compassionate, loving. All the time. To everyone. She was a better person, BY FAR, than I will EVER be, and Jim was LUCKY to HAVE HER.

So, I know that Jim is enduring the biggest loss of his life, right now. They had over 40 AMAZING years TOGETHER, HAPPILY MARRIED. She was the BEST thing that EVER happened to him, I am sure. In some ways, she was the best thing to ever happen to ME, too.

I ADMIRED HER SO MUCH! I have tears filling my eyes as I write this post. She was a great lady in every way. I miss her, too."

Neighborly - Characteristic of a good neighbor, especially helpful, friendly, or kind.

The overt disrespect, that neighbors of mine, who have affiliated themselves with this clique against me here, have shown me, has been so, over-the-top, at times, that I find it hard to fathom that its perpetrated by people in their 50s - 80s! The neighbor next door actually took her leaf blower that she had finally, temporarily, turned off because I was attempting to speak to her, and deliberately blasted me in the face with it at very close range. She doesn't think I deserve basic respect!

The management had graciously hired professional landscapers, to come remove the leaves on the lots, and the crew had just come through with a team of 3 men with leaf blowers, who had blown all the leaves out onto the paved street in front of the houses here, in order to come back through with a large suction hose, and remove them all. Management had sent us all an email, outlining what to expect, and what to do and not to do, so this day would go smoothly for the landscapers.

[Below is part of the email, sent to all residents, about the leaf removal process. Although our management emailed it to us, it was provided by the landscapers.]

"They will NOT be able to remove leaves from porches, roofs, fenced areas or flower beds in yards
-Homeowners should NOT pile leaves on their own - piles hide things that can damage [the] machines and they will need to blow leaves in such a way that their machine is able to pick them up.
-They will NOT get every leaf. Sometimes people have the misconception that every leaf will be gone when they leave. They project that they will remove 80% to 90% of the leaves that are on the ground when they arrive."

The crew which had just come through apparently did not remove a high enough percentage of the leaves for my neighbor to be satisfied, so, she disregarded the information, and guidance, from the email, and started blowing leaves from HER flower bed into MY yard, which had just been prepped by the men who would be coming back through very soon to vacuum up the leaves they had just blown out onto the street. This neighbor is ALWAYS so DISRESPECTFUL to me that I dislike EVER engaging with her; but fair is fair, so I had first stayed up on my porch and simply used my pointer finger to motion to her to blow the leaves onto the street with all the others. Because her leaf blower is so loud I was not SAYING anything to her. She goes out of her way to demonstrate her disrespect of me, any chance she gets, though, so she glared at me and motioned to her EAR that she couldn't HEAR me. She goes to ridiculous lengths, like that, to make things as difficult for me as possible, whenever I have to deal with her, and this is just one example of that, since I wasn't SAYING anything AT ALL, for her to HEAR. I merely motioned toward the pile of leaves out on the street that she had just seen the landscaping crew put there, to, literally, point out that it was where the new pile that she was blowing out of her flower bed onto my lot now should be blown to by her instead.

She was now just beside my porch steps, as she ignored me standing right there on my porch, and she continued creating this new pile of leaves ON MY LOT, NOT HERS; completely disregarding what I was properly indicating that she should be doing instead, per the guidelines we were all given about it. So, I went inside my house and got my leaf rake, and I went back out and raked up her pile of leaves, putting them with the pile on the street. Despite my doing that, to make it easier for the workmen doing the job, she kept on, blowing more leaves from her flower bed directly toward my house and onto my lot, rather than to the street. She has heard me say that I always try to avoid being around leaf blowers because of the potential to damage my hearing. (My hearing was damaged, in one ear, when my last husband struck me on the side of the head, to where I was only able to open my mouth slightly, to spoon in liquids, for nourishment, for days, afterward. So, I am protective of my remaining hearing, and try to keep it from being damaged, if I can possibly prevent that from happening.) I assure you that, this neighbor was deliberately baiting me by everything that she was doing in this situation, while I was standing right there, watching her disrespect me and the workmen that way, as I became more and more frustrated, at how anyone could be so unnecessarily hostile to their next-door neighbor. (This, is the same, neighbor, by the way, that went to management behind my back to ask them if she could plant a tree-- that SHE ALREADY BOUGHT-- on MY lot, so that she would not even have to discuss it with me! She CLEARLY knew that was wrong to do to me in the first place, or she would never have TRIED to handle it that way. Can you imagine? I could not ever  do the things she has done to me to any neighbor, or to anyone else. Fortunately, that time, the manager did the right thing, by telling her that, she had to ask me, and I said no, because she already chose how to landscape her own lot, including by having her flower bed jut over into some of my lot, as it is, without, consulting me, and I pay just as much every month, for my lot, as she does, for hers. Unlike her, I am not asking for more than my fair share; but I am asking for what is fair, and I have a reasonable expectation of being able to develop my own landscaping for my lot without being denied that right and privilege because of her selfishness and greed. I have never tried to take advantage of her or of any other neighbor--

NOR WOULD I!

                                                   

Such horrible behavior, as she and the other clique bitches have done toward me here, is galling, to me! There are many ongoing instances, of this neighbor doing such things to me. When I have tried to be civil to her, she has merely continued to undermine me in every possible way, and when I catch her at it she lies to my face. Her deep disrespect of me is palpable. Since she lives next door to me, she does anything she can to undermine, and irritate, and disenfranchise, me, of my rights and privileges as a resident here. Her behavior disrupts, and destroys, my peace, and privacy, also. She has greatly diminished my quality of life that I had here before she moved in. There's just no way I can get along with such people, who care nothing about, being respectful, fair or truthful. Having her living right next door to me is emotionally excruciating at this point. She is evil, toward me. 

The day that I am describing here now, I had already tried-- twice-- to get her to stop blowing those leaves onto my lot instead of out to the pile on the street that  was only a few feet away at most, from where she continued to do this. She tries to damage my reputation as all of the clique-affiliated people here try hard to do, which is extremely distressing to me because it distorts how people here think of me, and therefore, it affects how they treat me, even if they are not in the clique themselves. My reputation matters to me! What she was doing now, with blowing her leaves onto my lot, was also intended to do that because clearly it would also make it appear to the landscapers that I WAS THE ONE who did not respect them enough to follow the directions they had provided us through our management to make this large task go as smoothly for them as possible by resident cooperation and compliance. Had her pile of leaves been left in my yard, they would likely see that as something that I did, when they came back, to vacuum up their prepared leaf pile on the street, right in front of our houses. After I raked her leaves out to the street, I stood face-to-face, with her, again, to try to get her to stop, because she continued doing it even after all this. I confronted her directly and with a very frustrated look on my face, I told her to blow them toward the street! This time, I WAS articulating this to her, and this time, she had, briefly, stopped, her loud leaf blower, just long enough to sneer, at me, and say, "GROW UP!" Then, she pointed her leaf blower upward, right at my face at very close range, and blasted my face with it. Shocked at such treatment of me-- and for no good reason whatsoever!--  I exclaimed "Bitch!", as I finally lost my temper, and I told her to "STOP!" Seeing that she had pushed me to exactly where she wanted me, she then, simply, said, what she should have said from the beginning, which was, "Okay", as she began blowing the rest of the leaves from her lot out onto the street. It blows my mind that anyone acting like she does toward me would say "Grow up", to ME, when I am not the one of the two of us that is behaving in these ways that she is. There  is nothing "grown up" about the ways she has behaved toward, and about, me. I have either done things of good will toward my neighbors, or nothing at all. But I have never behaved anything like these shameful things that they do toward me.

Management provided a beautifully done Thanksgiving-themed appreciation meal for the residents earlier this month, but I didn't go. I saw pictures from it though, and it was lovely. I vacillated between, going, or not going. They held it outdoors, under an open tent, so my Covid concerns would have been somewhat alleviated, which was thoughtful of them. I decided the day before that, I would try to go. (I just teared up as I began recalling that day, and all I was feeling.) When I moved here in the midst of the pandemic, I was very afraid of catching Covid, so I didn't go to any of the social events here. When the clique defamation of me began, the gossip and lies about me were absolutely awful. The rumors they started, were so shocking that I couldn't imagine how anyone claiming to be a Christian could have started that campaign against me. It hurt to see so many people here believe the things they heard, even when they had never even met me or gotten to know me for themselves. I could tell who had succumbed to the toxic tongue wagging since those people avoided me in a very obvious way. My other next-door neighbor who is in her 80s used to put her hand up beside her face in order to avoid the sight of me, and would walk by me very fast, from the moment that she moved in. It was odd and ridiculous behavior, that came from whatever pure bullcrap the 'so-called Christian' clique leader, that started this shit, on my very first day living here, had said to her, about me, when she befriended this woman. It seemed to me like she was competing with me for friends and that she was determined to do all that she could to make sure that I didn't have ANY, because I resisted her trying to control me, when I first moved here; politely, but firmly. Her smear campaign against me gave me a lot of extra crap to have to deal with, that I didn't need, and created a very steep uphill climb for me to try to make, any, real, friends, here. It was both calculated and cruel. I did try, but the spread of this malicious gossip was just too pervasive, and poisoned people against me. So, I mostly gave up, and just stayed in my house and kept to myself 99% of the time. The resident appreciation dinner this month would have been the very first event that I had ever attended here but the stress-- of trying to overcome my anxiety about it-- proved to be too much to cope with, and in the end, although, I could see, the tent, and hear, the voices, of the attendees, from my house, I stayed home, and felt sad. My eyes have tears in them now, just recalling how hard that day was for me. I had really wanted to go!

Not Crazy

They tell others that I'm crazy.

That's just another lie,

They use to shift the the focus,

And be their alibi.

These bitches have been trouble

From the very start.

Spreading ugly rumors

That really broke my heart.

It was a warm day, especially, for this time of year, and the weather was sunny. I saw some people wearing shorts! The photographs that I saw showed a beautiful banquet had been prepared. There were long tables and chairs for people, in and around the tent. It was so thoughtful of management to go to all this trouble and expense to show their appreciation of the residents here. I often don't sleep very well, anymore, for various reasons, which makes me so tired that, I am not good company to anyone then. This had also been the case for several days before the event, but the night before, I prayed, and asked God to, please, help me to get a solid night's sleep because I had decided that I would try to attend after all. That night, I slept straight through the night, which I almost never do, anymore (even  if it's just because I have to get up during the night to go to the bathroom), and I was so amazed and excited by that! I had even gone to bed early for me, as I am normally a 'night owl', and stay up quite late. God seemed to be answering all my prayers, to help me to go to this get-together for the community that I moved to, just over 3 years ago now. I was nervous, but, I was excited, too. I got up earlier than I usually do because of going to bed earlier, and I showered and shampooed my hair, and began to choose an outfit to get ready to go. But, the closer it got to the time for the event, the more my anxiety increased, until it got a little past the start time, and I was still home, really, struggling, by then, to get through, a full-on anxiety attack, at that point. (I'm starting to cry again now just thinking about it.) I could not get it under control. I was so sad, and disappointed, because I had REALLY TRIED to GO. I peeked out my front door, at that community gathering, a few times, wishing, I were there, but I just couldn't control the trauma that I felt.

The thing that got to me, that kept me from going, when it came down to it, was all of the times that I have been shunned by people here who believed the clique gossip and turned on me because of it, which causes me a lot of anxiety because  I can't stop it from happening, or defend myself, from those hateful, hurtful, lies, and things they say, to alienate me from the community. Every time, someone is open to getting to know me and will converse with me, I always feel very uneasy about someone in the clique seeing us talking together, because they go to those people, after they see us, and turn many of them against me. Because I wouldn't be able to talk to ANYONE, at the dinner, without, the clique members, who were there, seeing everyone that I would try to converse with, I just didn't try. I know what happens, when I try. So, I stayed home, so that I wouldn't have even more people hurting me, by suddenly changing toward me, 180°, because of this crap.

I just don't need the extra grief, of my trying to overcome this, huge, obstacle, to developing friendships, here, that these 50 - 80-year-old clique bitches created to alienate me from the other community members. I have seen so many, otherwise good people, turn on me, and rarely, do any of them become truly friendly toward me, again, after this happens. The clique members won. I just do not understand, how any adult, could be this vicious. I could never have done such an, evil, smear campaign to any of them. These are, senior citizens, bullying senior citizens. They did it to some others, too, who all moved away, citing that as one of their reasons for not staying in this community. But, I've been their main target, from the start. Because God blessed me with this home of my own, I'm still here trusting that He has a Plan and a Purpose for bringing me here. But, my anxiety about all this has been overwhelming at times. I was even very nearly suicidal over it, at one point.

When I started this blog, 6 years and 101 posts ago, I had such hope that things would turn out better for me than they have. It is disheartening. But, I still have so much to be truly grateful for, and I recognize that despite its persecutions and pitfalls, my life right now is immensely better than the lives of so many others on this planet. Thanksgiving, is tomorrow. I will cook a frozen turkey TV dinner, with some boxed stuffing, on the side, and it will taste good, and I will be grateful. My food is not fancy, but I am never hungry. I used to make things from scratch, for past holidays, but I am just SOOOOOOOO WEARY, right now, and I crave privacy and peace, to try to restore my soul. GOD IS SO GOOD TO ME! HE TRULY IS! I'm still in good health, live independently, have a beautiful home in a lovely location,  I watch happy Hallmark movies, every night, as I find what, female, fulfillment, I can, from watching the on-screen romances, and I still have my sense of humor! 

I still don't own a car, but I enjoy going for walks, and those are good for me. The new digital keyboard is waiting for me to try to relearn how to play piano, which I haven't done for decades, and I got myself an, adult, kick scooter as an alternate mode of transportation to my feet and my bicycle. I want to build a LEGO city as I find architecture fascinating, and I can't wait to pull out my old art supplies, and I still want to learn how to paint with watercolors. I also want to cook from scratch more than I have lately, and bake, of course. I want to put my new MP3 player in my ears, and go exploring. I still haven't seen much of this area, but from what I can tell, it's a very nice place to live. I have a bad habit of saving my good things for 'someday', but, that day, never comes. Just, another today-- that is a blessing in itself, because I am still alive, to enjoy music, and dance around, and rejoice in each breath and heartbeat that God still graces me with. I am determined to wear my 'good' clothes, and stop 'saving them'. Maybe, by wearing them, I might even catch the eye of someone new who will love me well like I've longed for and need.

It amazed me when I met someone who was finally able to dislodge Jim from my heart! He had been the one man that no one had ever been able to remove from my heart. NO ONE had EVEN COME CLOSE, before THIS man DID that-- after 40 years! I am forever grateful to him for that; but then I had to get over him, also. It was simply impossible for me to get to know this man and, not, love him, even though I did not see that coming, at all, until it hit me in the heart full force. He's not someone that I can ever be with though, and I am a realist, so I look forward to hopefully meeting the man that will be 'the third time's the charm' guy for me. I've known a lot of men in my life, but my heart has only completely loved two of  them. My second husband, Jim, who is my son's father, and this one, that got me over Jim. God gave them to other women though, so they aren't His Plan for me.  I don't know if God has someone for me. Mutual love, always seems to elude me. 

Well, I just started crying as I prepared to say this, but, it is time for me to go on with my life-- and whatever it does, or doesn't, turn out to be-- and I won't be on here, blogging, about it, because, THIS IS GOODBYE. There's just so much that I can't really write, in detail about, regarding my life here, for various reasons, and it looks like I'll need a miracle to ever get to a full 'ascent' through the dark night of the soul. Right now, and for a very long time, I have been living in the dark, in various ways, but hoping for the light. Maybe I just won't have that on this earth, but I still have the hope that I will have that, someday, in Heaven, and eternity is forever! To all of you who shared my life's journey, this far, by reading this blog, I thank you for doing that. It was comforting, motivating, and inspiring to have you alongside me as I shared tears and laughter, hurts and hopes, and so much more.
I wish you all the best, all the love, and all the light. And, always, ASCENT. - Deb

Today is not that day.

Dear Readers,

I discovered quite a while ago that I cannot write these blog posts AND stay on top of everything else that my life demands of me, as a single, solitary, individual. I've begun to get a lot more done in my life, including, a lot that has 'needed doing' for a long time now. But, that has also meant that some of my blog posts have had to wait, to be written, and presented online, for you to read, when I am past the self-imposed monthly deadline, to at least get one online no later than the next-to-the-last Wednesday of every month. I've always let you know when it happens though.

Today IS the next-to-last Wednesday of this month, and I sit here sore from all the physical deep-cleaning I did for about 8 hours yesterday, and sleep-deprived, after a long night of lying in bed thinking of sad, and stressful, things that have affected me deeply, and traumatized me, even though, I wanted, and needed, sleep. Being sleep-deprived alters the entire course of my day, including, derailing productivity, as it wipes away all of my hopes and plans to energetically engage my To Do List. 

So, I am letting you know that, although today IS my Target Date to publish a post online for this blog, today is not that day. I am too tired, and stressed, to try to sit here and write in any coherent way. I've even reread this note to you a few times, to try to be sure that I am being clear, because I am too tired to recall what I just typed to you. Days like this sometimes mean that I even skip my shower, and just try to get through it, with so little energy, by placing minimum demands on myself.

It's my expectation that there will be a proper blog post for this month sometime. 

Deb

To My Readers . . .

Today was my target date to publish this month's blog post online, but I have been VERY busy this week, trying to deal with several pressing matters that need my attention, sooner than later, and there's only so many hours in a day.

One of the current challenges is that my heart is acting up a lot right now, which is potentially dangerous, mostly because it is also doing a lot of atrial fibrillation, and therefore must be dealt with right away. A normal blood pressure is considered to be around 120/80, and a normal pulse around 60 - 100 beats per minute.

Yesterday I was very pale and felt very weak-- almost flu-like; like I could easily faint. I check my blood pressure at home, and these were my readings yesterday, along with the monitor screen also displaying the symbol for heart arrhythmia with each reading:

82/44

94/56 with 105 pulse

105/63 with 103 pulse

89/48

111/66

I still feel rather shaky, after yesterday-- not fully recovered from that struggle my heart was going through, and my blood pressure readings are only marginally better today, with the monitor screen continuing to show the symbol for heart arrhythmia, which is a serious condition that can lead to heart attack, stroke, or even death.

I don't have these health issues crop up every day, thankfully, and I am really sad that my arrhythmia is back because it disappeared several months ago and had not troubled me for a while.

Because of trying to recover more fully, and hopefully end the heart fibrillations, as well as accomplish more things on my 'To Do List' that need doing ASAP, I have decided to aim for publishing this month's blog post next Wednesday instead, at the latest, if not sooner.

If a post doesn't occur, at some point, when I haven't provided you with any explanation or information about that, it may mean that a health issue of some kind, or something else, has rendered me unable to write my blog post(s) anymore; at least for a while.

I am 68 now, so every day I live I must hold the precious privilege of life on earth with an open hand.

Thank you for your understanding.

I appreciate your readership throughout these 6 years that I have written this blog, which has readers in 70 countries around the world now. That always amazes me!

I would also appreciate any and all prayers that you offer on my behalf.

Thank you so much!

Deb

Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

I appreciate progress. POSITIVE, progress, anyway. There are some situations in this life where progression is not a positive thing. Disease, damage, deterioration, et cetera.

I feel frustrated so often lately because I just cannot seem to get enough traction toward achieving goals that I have for myself. Even though I'm a lot more patient than I used to be (which is ironic in that I have less time left to achieve my goals, now that I am in my late 60s) and I'm able to discipline myself much better when it comes to delayed gratification than I used to be able to do, the hindrances, and obstacles, that I, continually, have to deal with, are dragging me down, mentally.

I am gratified by all the progress that I have made with so many things, and I try to remind myself of that when I start to feel helpless, and hopeless, in the face of the lingering list of things that I still need, and want, to achieve in my life. What I have accomplished is actually impressive by my standards and I need to be proud of all of that. I recall being able to tackle every single thing, on my 'To Do List', in the past, though, and in a relatively short amount of time, which is, no longer the case, in my life. There are some new limitations now that did not exist before that I'm always grappling with. Some are entirely out of my control, and others I could probably do more about, but, for various reasons, I haven't. All of this, causes me to alternate between being mad at the situations and mad at myself, for not doing more about those that I can. >sigh!< EVERY decision, we make, AFFECTS our life.

I can't control that Covid is still in high transmission, including here, although I at least contribute to it not being spread more by my self-isolation away from others which keeps me from catching it. That choice leaves me with virtually no social life though. I don't go to church services or out dancing or eat indoors at restaurants, although I did sit outside of one to eat lunch with a friend, once, a couple of years ago. I don't date, or kiss, or make love (or have an orgasm that isn't coming from my vibrator), because I am 'high risk for serious illness or death' if I catch Covid. I have only had it once, so far, but avoiding catching it again has left me with no life in a lot of ways. The irony is not lost on me, that in trying to protect my life I have in effect stopped living it. I merely exist in 'survival mode', most of the time, since Covid first covered the world with its highly transmissible potential death sentence several years ago. I caught it frighteningly easily a couple of years ago, and had it for 8 days. I couldn't taste my food, and my breathing seemed to struggle around the 6th day, which scared me, because of seeing the images of intubated patients in ICUs and refrigerated trucks acting as morgues, as well as hearing the constant sound of ambulance sirens back then because of this pandemic. Some Long Covid symptoms that I developed eventually left me, although I was stressed by my not knowing whether that would be the case, at the time. Catching Covid-- EVER!-- is clearly a crapshoot, and is a gamble that I am not willing to take, for anything, or anyone, currently in my life. For me it would be too great a sacrifice, because of a lifetime of my return on investment being so poor when I allow people into my life and close to me. No one knows, each time they catch Covid, how serious it will be, for them, until they are in the throes of it. Based on how my life has gone and the
sacrifices that I have made, in order to socialize with people, in general, and most especially for those that I have loved, what I would be risking, to expose myself to other people, is simply not worth, what that could cost me, for what it gives me. I don't just mean, health wise. I mean, in any, and even, every, way. PEOPLE, have not been worth it for me. Humans have done me much more harm than good, and because of that I don't see taking life or death risks for them to be a smart choice.

One of my personal goals is to learn to dance the tango, although now that I'm 68 I have serious doubts about my knees being able to do the steps without buckling. I even have a very specific song that I want to dance the tango to-- David Bowie's 'Let's Dance'. I realized one day when I had two tabs up on my computer that this song syncs perfectly with the tango moves! [David Bowie - Let's Dance (Official Video) - YouTube] While I like traditional tango music, also, Bowie's song just motivates me more! This style of dance is very much in-your-face for many of the steps, though, which makes it one of those high-risk behaviors I do my best to avoid altogether. I would not want my tango dance to 'go viral', in the pathogenic sense, of the word. The risk of catching Covid continually complicates my life! Sadly, I decided against pursuing learning the dance steps that I long to do, because of my trying to avoid potential missteps in my goal of protecting my health, and along with that my life. 

I have a lifelong phobia* of needles, but, terror, over the Covid pandemic, caused  me to finally be willing to take the first two Pfizer vaccines for it in 2021. The only noticeable physical reaction I had to the first one was the shot site soreness, that is typical for injections into the arm, which lasted for a few days. When I took the second shot, though, I became alarmed, because I felt so unwell from that, and it took a longer time to stop feeling those effects. It seemed like all my organs were inflamed by the vaccine-- especially my kidneys. I actually felt poisoned! Because of that, and my not knowing if the shots did anything to damage my body, in any way-- and, if they did, would that be permanent harm?-- I stopped getting Covid vaccines, ever since then; protecting myself by solely relying on almost complete social isolation, along with mask wearing as needed. I just haven't come across a good reason for me to risk it. I am a loner by nature, as well. I LIKE being alone. 

Finally having a home of my very own was amazing progress that I honestly never thought I would have in my lifetime. My finances took a hit, though, with both the expected and unexpected expenses that come with that. I can't just call a landlord and have him send the maintenance man to repair things, anymore. I have to find and hire my own contractors now, and pay them, myself, for everything they do. I don't even own a car, so I am by no means an affluent person. More than 3 years into it I still have a list of things that this house needs that will cost me thousands of dollars to do. Money that I don't even have, right now. I have to get my savings built up again, though, because I am all alone in this life, with no one to take care of me, but me (and God), and I don't have the income to do both of these things, at the same time. It has to be, one or the other. Right now, I am more concerned about getting some money saved in the bank again if only as an Emergency Fund because it is way too stressful for me knowing that there is nothing there now for any possible life event that I might face. The house does need those things done, at some point, though, and that will probably drain my bank account, again, as I start trying to accomplish all that; hopefully, sometime next year. While having a home of my very own is a huge step forward from where I was, there have been some significant setbacks, from the beginning, that have thwarted my progress.

I was a homeless veteran just a few years before God made it possible for me to own this home. This house is the greatest blessing He's EVER given me, after the great Gift of Himself, and my cockatiel baby, CeeBee, who 'flew Home to Heaven' in 2011. NO HUMAN BEING is even in THE TOP THREE BLESSINGS of my life, for me. I don't think my standards are too high, and regardless, they are what they are. Too many people, who have been in my life, have fallen short, let me down, and worst of all, damaged me, by their presence. Because, of that, I have a dim view of much of humanity, and I am very circumspect when dealing with people. 

What I have been subjected to by people here certainly hasn't helped that view, and in fact, has made the aversion even more pronounced, in me. I had to start scheduling VA telehealth mental health appointments, because of it. I have also called the VA Crisis Line at times, when I have been unable to reduce the stress from this situation, by myself. The gossip, lies, and, truly, horrible, rumors, that the clique here started, and spread, about me, has damaged my reputation and my relationships in this community. It is hard to see neighbors that I could have had good friendships with changing, toward me, because they have heard-- and apparently, believed-- these things about me. Finally having my own home, has been greatly diminished and offset by my having to live my life in the face of all the ongoing defamation of me. I even had another telehealth call about it today. 

When I told my primary care provider that I needed to be scheduled for regular mental health appointments, now, because of this situation being so depressing and distressing to me, to the point that, I became so despondent about it that I didn't know if I could survive it, at one point, and I told her just a couple of the lies that have been told about me by clique members, she was shocked by what she heard was being done to me, to the point that she became speechless. She was so stunned that I had to say to her, on the phone call, "Are you still there?" Hers was a, normal, reaction, to how I have been treated by these people, but I very rarely get that reaction from anyone here, that I have ever reached out to, about it. I even got scolded angrily by one woman here, for simply trying to tell her why her saying to me about it, "Well Deb, people will be people" was a tone deaf assessment of the seriousness of the situation. I was actually explaining to her at the time that my despair over it and the stress and strain it put me under had very nearly cost me my life, when I began to briefly consider suicide, due to  it, in May of 2023. She literally YELLED at me, and said that, 'She didn't want to hear it!' She had no trouble hearing the ugly gossip and lies, about me, though; that was clear to see. She adamantly dismissed the 'clique stuff' as simply being something that I was either, overexaggerating, or it didn't exist, at all. That was very unhelpful to me. My primary care provider's, stunned, reaction to what I've been put through by these people here was an absolutely accurate response, for the seriousness of the situation. It is comforting, to have someone acknowledge the difficulty of living surrounded by the very group of people doing this to me. I have the intense inner conflict of LOVING my home, AND the surrounding area I live in here, but feeling extremely stressed and anxious about how much my life has been altered here, by these, toxic-tongued, bitches. Since it started my first day here, by the main instigator, on my street, I have NEVER had a FAIR chance  to get to know other people here, without them being skeptical, or even wary, of me, because of the horrible and often untrue things they have heard ABOUT ME. So, even as I have gotten more settled here, I have this ongoing obstacle that is

a form of oppression, that I'm forced to deal with, in order to live here; that I try  to overcome, often unsuccessfully, because of dangerous, damaging, defamation.

This situation pervades every aspect of my life, in this, otherwise, idyllic setting.

It all originated from one bigmouth bitch neighbor on my street that did not like my setting boundaries with her because she was so intrusive so often that I had no sense of peace, or privacy, in my life-- two things that I have always needed. She is clearly a NARCISSIST-- the THIRD one, to be the bane of my existence** on this earth, after, my own mother, and my last husband. Narcissists, are, THE  MOST DAMAGING PEOPLE that I have EVER encountered-- especially when they make ME their TARGET. They are so PUNITIVE. Their GOAL is to cause you harm. It is NOT a 'fair fight', with them, AT ALL. They seek to DESTROY you if they can, and IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM that you have not done ANYTHING to them to DESERVE THAT from them. It adds INSULT to INJURY that she is also a Christian.

She and I are both in our latter years of life now, and she is even older than I am (so you would think that she would know better, at her age-- only narcissism is a pathology not an ideology), but she chose this path for our relationship. I will not ever be able to have a happy or healthy relationship with this person BECAUSE of all the shockingly cruel things that she's said about me, to our mutual neighbors.

Every day, I thank God for my finally having the perfect home for me, and I hear the sweetest bird calls in the trees outside my window. But every day I also have to deal with my anxiety, because of the things this woman has instigated against me, and I dread even taking my trash out when I need to, just because I have to walk past, not only her house, but the group of neighbors on my street that she's turned against me. It is PURE EVIL, this woman has done to me, and to my life. I have NEVER DESERVED THIS from her-- or from my mother, or my last husband, either. Narcissists don't have a rational reason, for targeting someone, and doing all they can to destroy the person's life. Something dark in their soul drives them to do it. That doesn't excuse it though. She will have to face God about it too, on Judgment Day. Below are some things that help explain what a narcissist is like. I also have a Pinterest account that has a Board I titled "Cligue Target", because of the situation that she has created for me here, and the Pins on that explain it too.

Ever notice the most toxic people.. have more people around them? Bc they are fake and full of stories of lies and gossip.. (sad that gets more attention than the truth speaker.. no one wants to hear that. They stand alone.)

"Narcissists constantly seek validation from others. They need people to praise them, admire them, and make them feel important. This need for validation is a weak point because it shows that their self-esteem is not as solid as they pretend it to be. They rely on others to feel good about themselves."

'People who are narcissistic tend to prefer associations with people that are easier for them to control.'

"Narcissists often dislike the word 'no' because it represents a direct challenge to their perceived authority and control," Dr. McGeehan says. "To a narcissist, 'no' can feel like a rejection or a denial of their importance, which can be very threatening to their ego."

A narcissist will give others misleading information about you. They will tell partial truths mixed with lies. They will sow seeds of dissension to cause doubt in the listeners in an effort to turn them against you.

The scapegoat is most often victimized in a variety of ways, and when they attempt to speak out against the victimization, they are disbelieved and called liars. In addition, they are taken through traumatizing smear campaigns to further discredit and disprove them.

Narcissists use baiting to provoke reactions from their targets. This might be a cruel or condescending comment made with the purpose of starting drama/arguments, making people feel inferior, and/or asserting control, and they will always blame the targets for reacting.

A Narcissist wants to convince you that your emotional reactions to their actions are the problem, when without their actions, you wouldn’t be having those reactions.

Trauma survivors crave honesty and authenticity. We've had to fight for our ability to think clearly and know who we are. We aren't willing to engage with those who do not honor that. We will show them the door.

The main advice the victim or target of a narcissist gets is "Cut off all contact with them if you can."

https://www.pinterest.com/robinsondeborahg2280/

Here are some Pins from the "Clique Target" Board, which currently has 292 Pins. 

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Truth tellers, whistle-blowers, scapegoats and the real victims are always portrayed as 'crazy.'

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
The truth is irrelevant to toxic individuals. If they can't control you, they set out to ruin you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Targets are usually anyone who is “different” from the organizational norm. Usually victims are competent, educated, resilient, outspoken, challenge the status quo, are more empathic or attractive and tend to be women.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
When people can't get what they want from you, they'll either cut you off, spread lies or recruit others to hate you too.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

When toxic people know they've done you wrong, they'll often become fixated with trying to destroy your reputation by spreading lies and slandering information about your private life. Smear Campaigns are a severe form of bullying.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns are a control tactic.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana
Narcissists will talk horribly about their targets. They get to people who have never met the victim, to make sure the first thing they hear is negative. Then it spreads. It's usually that 'the victim has mental problems', this way no one believes the abuse. #SmearCampaign

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Gossip can be an insidious form of bullying or harassment. If the intent is to demean, propagate lies or half truths about people, or designed to hurt, denigrate and destroy reputations behind people's backs, then gossip has crossed a line into harassment.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Smear Campaigns can insidiously spread with no real direction or control once it starts...

Breakingfree @Breakingfreetwo
It changes things when we realize the narcissist intentionally provokes us. They actually enjoy seeing our grief. Happy, having a good time? That's when they're most likely to strike.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Character assassination and ostracization are used to sever the target's belonging to her community.

Wisdom And Skill @WisdomAndSkill

The narcissist agenda: That I could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That I can, just by defaming her, damage another human being beyond repair.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Just know what they are doing behind your back is also done in front of God.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

A person who doesn't defend you while someone else slanders you is not a friend.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people can't support you in public because of how they talk about you in private.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017

Some people will never ask for your side of the story, because the side they heard fits how they want to feel about you.

Lana Beth Horowitz @HorowitzLana

Dear abuser, A victim telling their story of your abuse doesn't ruin your reputation or destroy your "perfect life". You did that, when you chose the behavior. Just becuz you're well liked or have a "nice family" doesn't erase the evil your capable of... no matter how long ago.

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
Anyone who easily believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story, was probably looking for a reason to be against you, anyway.

Diane Langberg, PhD @DianeLangberg
It dishonors victims of abuse when we are silent about their experience or pretend it did not occur or was not important.

Christine @cmd8495
People will notice the change in your attitude towards them but won't notice that it was their behavior that made you change.

Nate Postlethwait @nate_postlethwt
There are a lot of brave and kind people who have very little support. They assume it’s because they’re too much, when the reality is, it's because they’re honest. That’s not something easily digested by most people, but especially in a world where performance is key.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Fake is becoming so acceptable that people get offended when you're being real.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Don't change your authenticity for approval.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

"Be the bigger person" is BS advice at times. Your bigness is not determined by your capacity to quietly absorb bullying, degradation, or abuse.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu

Some people are really so delusional that they think it's disrespectful when you don't just sit back and allow them to continue to disrespect you.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
Some people will vilify you so they feel better about what they did to you. God forbid they be held accountable for their BS.

Tell me no Lies Narcissists @lovewins11011
A narcissist uses your anger against you when your anger is justified due to their shit behavior. They do this to deflect accountability.

Narcissistic Abuse Awareness @AwareOfTheNarc

If you reconcile with a narcissist after they have done something horrible to you, or violated your boundaries, the abuse gets worse. They’ll punish and blame you for whatever vile thing they did and assume that you’re ok with it because you allowed them back.

Stopworkplacebullies @Stopworkplacebu
You don't have to defend yourself or argue with those who don't believe you. God saw it all...

Josh @JD_Quotes2017
I don't walk away to teach people a lesson. I walk away because I learned mine. I'd rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect.

Even when I am taking two steps forward and one step back going through life,  including, at times like this, I am greatly comforted by the Presence of my Lord and knowing that HE gave me this home, and I am in His Will, as I deal with all  these things, that are so discouraging, and destructive. The poem, "Footprints", which I included here, has blessed me so much as I continue my pilgrimage***.

* phobia - "A phobia is an anxiety disorder, defined by an irrational, unrealistic, persistent and excessive fear of an object or situation. Phobias typically result in a rapid onset of fear and are usually present for more than six months. Those affected go to great lengths to avoid the situation or object, to a degree greater than the actual danger posed. If the object or situation cannot be avoided, they experience significant distress." - Wikipedia

** the bane of my existence - "The bane of my existence" is an expression that describes a person, thing, or situation that causes constant annoyance, frustration, or unhappiness. It can be used to describe something that makes life difficult or unbearable.

*** 'Pilgrimage' is often used to describe an individual's journey through life, sometimes as a general description of personal growth and exploration, sometimes, as in Christianity, outlining a particular spiritual focus or pathway which it is believed will lead to encounter with God.