Sincerely, Deb

I'm starving for sincerity.



Sincerity: the quality of being open and truthful, not deceitful or hypocritical.

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Sincerity makes the very least person to be of more value than the most talented hypocrite. — Charles Spurgeon

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So often, people only say what they think they 'should' say, making it difficult if not impossible to form a real rapport or close connection with them. I feel like I am at some endless masquerade where I never really know who, or what, I am truly dealing with, from what people show me or don't show me about who they actually are. The uncertainty leaves me feeling unsafe, around them. It is a type  of torment to my soul. It is distressing and even depressing for me to feel like I never know who is friend or foe behind their façade. I need something sure and stable to at least know where I stand with someone. Dealing with people drains me, because I constantly feel like I have to tentatively tiptoe around a minefield  of unrevealed truths that nevertheless affect the interactions, and relationship if there is one, with these other people. It is not fun for me. It's even scary to me.

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We want deeper sincerity of motive, a greater courage in speech and earnestness in action. — Sarojini Naidu
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I've had formerly friendly people blow up in my face and even scream at me for simply being real, with them, and telling them my truth. So many people are so afraid of the truth! I genuinely don't understand that. It bewilders me, to see so many people acting so threatened by it and even terrified of it that they are not only willing but determined to avoid it at all costs, whether that is speaking it or hearing it from someone else like me. It is clear to me that they are afraid of it,  for whatever reason. It's also clear to me that their hostility to the truth when I speak it is a form of censorship and control, toward me. They shut me down, to shut it down. People often pose as what they want others to think they are. The pretense indicates a form of self-loathing because it signifies they believe, to be loved, or even just accepted, they cannot, and must not, be known for who they are. All of us are flawed, imperfect people. There's simply no getting around this fact. But to disguise oneself, by deception, is to go through life never having the joy of being known, liked, and loved, for who you are. To me, it is a tragedy, for  all of us who participate in this socially sanctioned game. I would rather be liked and loved as who I am than to have someone like or love some act that I put on  to manipulate their assessment, and acceptance, of me, that would not really be feelings for ME, at all. A pathetic but profound fear drives people to avoid taking their masks off with one another at the expense of having true connections. The social awkwardness this causes makes me uncomfortable interacting with others. More often than not, I choose to simply avoid as many engagements as possible.

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Sincerity is an openness of heart; we find it in very few people; what we usually see is only an artful dissimulation to win the confidence of others. — Francois de la Rochefoucauld

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I seek real, genuine, let-your-guard-down, mentally, emotionally, and, physically, safe, relationships. Anything else traumatizes me, leaving scars on my psyche. It isn't worth it to me to try to get to know someone, or interact with someone, and be the worse for wear when it is all said and done between us. I cut my losses, or try to, by staying away from people who seem to be a liability to me more than a blessing. Sometimes people can surprise me though, and be the total opposite of who I thought they were, whether better or worse, than I thought, causing me to second-guess my ability to know who is being real with me. That concern, adds a motivation for me to not open up to people at all, since I can't figure out who is a person of genuinely goodwill toward me and who has a selfish, or even a sinister, agenda. The most painful of these shocks to my system are when someone that I really liked, and trusted, betrays me, in some way, showing me that they weren't who I thought they were, and that I had actually given them way too much credit for being a better human being than they turned out to be, in truth. I got burned.

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I want people to be sincere; a man of honor shouldn't speak a single word that doesn't come straight from his heart. — Moliere

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From my perspective, I can't figure out why truth, honesty, and just being real, in relationships with one another, does not seem to be as important, to a lot of other people, as it is to me. My Christian background, and a biblical perspective, taught me that God Himself is Truth personified, so that makes living, and being, in truth part of our being made in the likeness of God, as scripture says we are. We honor God, and others, then, by being sincere in all our dealings with one another. I can fully trust God, because I know that He is Truth, and will never manipulate me, or lie to me, like people do. Their lack of sincerity shuts me down. It makes me sad.

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Simplicity and sincerity generally go hand in hand, as both proceed from a love of truth. — Mary Wollstonecraft

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2 Corinthians 1:12 - For our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you.

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Sincerity and truth are the basis of every virtue. — Confucius

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When I read descriptions of the traits of an Aquarius, almost all, of them fit me. I don't prefer going out, and partying and such, to being at home, though. I like to be home more than anyplace else! Perhaps, the reason for this Aquarian anomaly about me, is the very thing I am describing about my longing to experience more sincerity in people. Astrology sites say that "Aquarius value honesty and sincerity in relationships" and "Aquarius sincerity shines through in relationships.  Genuine emotions  are  their  currency,  and  they  have little tolerance for mind games or hidden feelings. When they care about someone their expressions of affection are honest and open so with an Aquarius you can expect genuine communication and heartfelt connections!" We are known as being the most honest sign in the zodiac.

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Sincerity is impossible, unless it pervades the whole being, and the pretence of it saps the very foundation of character. — James Russell Lowell
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In writing this post I recalled the characters created by Charles Schulz in Peanuts comic strips, and cartoon specials, and their interactions with one another. Linus, chose a different path for himself, because he had a different kind of heart. He is the one character that strove to be sincere with an intentionality. While he hoped to be acknowledged, accepted, and affirmed, just like the others wanted to be, it was for simply, being who he was. Genuine, and sincere. Flawed, and vulnerable. For which, he was scorned, and mocked. While the others sought recognition and rewards in more conventional ways, while aiming for approval and adulation from their peers, Linus followed his heart, and was true to it, NO MATTER WHO tried to coerce him to change course. Linus celebrated sincerity. He was ALL IN on BEING REAL. For that, he was scolded and shunned. He was not hurting anybody, by his actions, but that didn't prevent him from being treated badly for how he chose to live his own life, by everyone except Charlie Brown, who at least had empathy for his not fitting in because he was different. Charlie Brown did everything the group required of him to try to gain their acceptance and approval, but even so, he was never truly accepted or appreciated. It continually tormented his soul that he did not win their fickle favor, by going along to get along. Linus, was willing to forego all that to be true to what he believed even when he was criticized and ostracized.

                   

His choosing to stay alone in the pumpkin patch on Halloween, when all the other kids were out trick-or-treating together, was motivated by his prioritizing sincerity as a virtue. There are similarities to my situation here. The others, the group, the herd, if you will, put on masks to hide their true selves, and go out into society to seek to be rewarded for that by everyone they approach, and interact with. "Trick or treat!"* is technically a menacing threat that implies that if other people do not give them what they want they will punish them, rather than be pleasant to them, due to that. It is, actually, a demand by someone placed on another person, to do exactly as they want them to and give them exactly what they are asking of them OR ELSE there WILL be CONSEQUENCES. They EXPECT others to reward them for their outward fakeness and their mask wearing, and this expectation is reinforced by a large portion of people in the community doing just that: giving them exactly what they asked of them, thereby REWARDING them, for this behavior. Because I have resisted and even refused to do this in my situation, there has actually been some 'tricks', done, to me, as a result, such as, things being thrown at my house. It is more ominous when it is adults acting this way toward a neighbor, versus the make-believe incidents in an animated children's holiday special on TV. Note that, Charlie Brown, who did go along with the group but was more compassionate and caring than they were, was nevertheless always perceived as 'less than', and was never really considered to be a, true, member of the herd. This is reflected by the fact that while all the other children were given treats, all he was given was rocks. I have seen through my experiences here that when you are a very different type of person from others, even when you are friendly and respectful toward them, it can never lead to good relationships because of their disrespect and undermining you behind your back. Their masks are fake, but what's underneath that is scary. Some masks may even show a smile, but hide some very dark, unvirtuous things.
   

                 


Linus: "Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch that he thinks is the most sincere. He's gotta pick this one. He's got to. I don't see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one. You can look around and there's not a sign of hypocrisy. Nothing but sincerity as far as the eye can see."

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, , mean-spirited people usually believe that people never act without deceit. — Madeleine de Souvre, marquise de Sable

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Neighbors, who are not my friends because they have shown that they will never, indeed, cannot, by their very nature, accept me for who I am, and let me live my life in peace as I wish to, try to manipulate me with their fake friendliness only to reveal to me that they are trying to control me, to get me to fall in line with them and their agenda. What they should have seen, by now, and should have learned, about me, is that this does not work with me, but simply makes me wary of them from that point on. I go on my way, alone, but, more at peace. Peace, is far more precious to me than having relationships with people that I can't feel comfortable with because they have shown me that I cannot trust them. I choose to be alone, ignoring it, when they sneer at my sincerity, and laugh about my Linus-like heart.  I will never, really, be in their good graces, nor they, in mine, because our values, and our orientation to what really matters to us, in this life, are just too different. There's no middle ground, for good relationships with these people. Now, or ever. When I tried with them again, for the sake of the community at large, I learned it can never work, because, they really have no motivation, to SINCERELY treat me any better. I was 'rewarded' by them for this extreme risk I took-- which took ALL I HAD IN ME to even DO in THE FIRST PLACE-- by being disrespected and lied to, AGAIN, by one of the two most disrespectful women here toward me. It is CLEAR that she disrespects me, TO HER CORE, and she definitely does not have my best interests at heart, as she has demonstrated, time and time again. There is simply  no basis for a relationship with someone who acts like that. Absolutely none at all.
My sincerity is one of the reasons she began to disrespect me and to mistreat me.

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By being natural and sincere, one often can create revolutions without having sought them. — Christian Dior
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There is an old but well-known poem titled 'The Road Not Taken', by Robert Frost, which he wrote in 1915, that describes those of us-- like Linus, and like me-- that don't follow the herd, or join the clique, for an 'acceptance' which would never be real, anyway, or these same people would have accepted us for who we are, from the very beginning. Charlie Brown is the case in point, as he clearly demonstrates that TRUE acceptance and inclusion from these others would never really happen, since HIS HEART is so different. He and Linus are condemned for being SINCERE. For BEING REAL. To quote a line in the poem, "Two roads diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Whether people perceive the path that I took for myself as being for better or for worse, I am who I am, and for me, I wouldn't change it. I don't need to have, fear-based, interactions, with fake friends, who did not prove themselves worthy of the name "friend", by how they chose to treat me, but expect me to treat them better than they have treated me. They're not safe or happy or healthy relationships, for me.

 

I just want someone in my life who will, truly, be sincere. I am praying for that!

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Linus: "He'll come here because I have the most sincere pumpkin patch and he respects sincerity."

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Stopworkplacebullies

@Stopworkplacebu

Survivors don't fear being alone. It's empowering. They fear being in a room full of people they cannot trust.
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* "Trick or treat!" - The "treat" is some form of confectionery, usually candy/sweets, although in some cultures money is given instead. The "trick" refers to a threat, usually idle, to perform mischief on the resident(s) or their property if no treat is given. - Wikipedia

The Past Has Nothing To Offer . . .

. . . but memories and lessons. 

I'm longing to get all the projects done that I have been working on for years now and focus on my personal goals and desires, for a change. The things I have been accomplishing are all worthy endeavors, but I'm burned out, by the relentlessness of it all. They needed doing and I feel good about my firmly resolving to stick with it, showing self-discipline and the ability to work hard for delayed gratification, but there's also the truthful scripture that says, "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done." (Ecclesiastes 11:4 Living Bible) I also, feel shocked, and uneasy, about how quickly time seems to be passing now. It's almost halfway through the year! As I turn the calendar pages with the arrival of each new month I wonder where the days have gone. I am given a finite (and unknown) amount of time on this earth, and there is nothing that keeps that in my mind more than the face of the 68-year-old woman in the mirror. My soul within this body still expects to see the 30-something me, that I still feel like, inside, and is struggling to grasp the indisputable and unsettling fact that it's me and not my mother standing here.

I often hear it said that we are not good at living in the present. I am as guilty of living in the past as anyone, and for the most part, it is a pointless place to be. It can't be undone, or re-lived. It can only be remembered, and teach us lessons. It is also often said that change is the only constant. We sometimes see this fact as being a blessing, and sometimes we see it as being a bad thing. Anyone who has lived for very long has seen that changes that we thought would be good brought us bad outcomes at times, and things that we thought were terrible tragedies are sometimes surprising because of the good things that come from them, which we didn't expect. So much of what happens to us in our lives is out of our control. It feels like we're on a wild ride, at times, holding on, for dear life, and other times, we just feel, stymied, and stuck. The things that are in our control are the things that we can do something about, although we can procrastinate and abdicate our responsibilities, instead, accomplishing nothing. I can't speak for anyone else but  I know that I am very wasteful of my allotted amount of time to be alive on earth and I need to do better. Especially, at this point in my life, with my already being in my late 60s now. When I watch newscasts, they mention the passing of others my age, who no longer have the privilege of being alive, or of being able to affect and influence their own destiny, or contribute to the condition of the planet or the other living beings on it. What they did, and didn't do, while here, cannot change. For better, and/or for worse, it's over. As Jesus said, on the cross, "It is finished."  

 

It seems to me that, God gives us Eternity because it will take all of that, to get to everything that we still want to do that we didn't get around to in this life. I have a bookshelf full of beautiful cookbooks, which have enticing recipes, that I would like to try to make, at some point. I'm often hindered in that ambition, by lack of time, energy, or resources, leaving me, feeling wistful, about my not getting the chance, to explore these treasures, in the time that I have. I'm only comforted by my faith in God that I will be able to do this, and more, that I still haven't gotten around to in my lifetime. I have, so many, interests and hobbies, that I want to learn and do and experience, which I never seem to get around to, after doing the daily chores, and meeting the pressing demands of each day. I wonder where the day has gone! Even so I know that I haven't made enough effort to use my time wisely enough. I NEED TO DO BETTER ABOUT THAT! I've SET AN INTENTION* to do better about it.

I find it fascinating that, we can simply walk down the street, on a day that is like most other days in our lives, and suddenly encounter someone or something that  becomes a major part of our lives, from that point on-- NONE, of which, we could have caused to happen ourselves, or even foreseen. Whether Divine intervention, or Destiny, we find ourselves in new relationships and realities because of it. But, we have to do something ourselves, to put ourselves in the place where that was  a possibility, or even a probability, to happen. We had to get out of bed and dress and go out the door, at the very least, to put ourselves in the position that a new thing could happen in our lives as we walked down that street. We have to make an effort. We have to do our part. I have not been doing nearly enough of that. I need to change that, from something that isn't working for me to something that will increase my chances of my dreams coming true. Dreams of fun and romance and adventures, and good times, with friends that I can truly trust. I spend most of my time inside my home. It stands to reason that, if there is a man for me, he is not just going to randomly show up, at my door. I have heard stories that such unlikely things have happened to some people, but that isn't the norm. The odds are much more in my favor if I get out of my house, for a change. Even if I don't meet my Mr. Right that way at least I will be getting more exercise, which I need.

I have no idea if God has any man on this planet who is right for me, but there is  a fable I have heard that makes the point about seizing the opportunities as they are presented to us rather than rejecting them and letting them pass us by while we hope for something (or, someone) else, to come along, and be what we need.

Here is that tale: 

The Drowning Man

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”

To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the motorboat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”

To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”

So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

Life is complicated. At least, it has never been simple for me. >sigh!< My life often feels 'out of alignment', as if, I just can't seem to slip into the gear that will get me where I need or want to go. My frustration with it, is compounded by the fact that, whether I can achieve all my remaining unrequited dreams or not, time, is steadily ticking away, and I can't, slow it down, stop it, or, reset the clock. I don't have the luxury of time, as much, at my age. So, I don't want to waste any of what's left on people or things that are not what I want or need, for myself, for whatever reason. I don't want any bullshit, taking up space in my private life. I don't need, my heart broken, by anybody else. I have already had, more than, my share of, that type of treatment, whether it came from, family members, men in my life, or others. I am not interested in pursuing people or things that do not make me happy. It's now or never for me to finally have what I want and need for me, and that's my sole focus now. Distractions or deviations from that won't be welcomed, by me. I'm a woman on a mission, to fully live my life while I still can. I am determined to find as much fulfillment as possible. No more, looking back, at the past. There are people in the past that I love, deeply, whom it just could not work out with, for various reasons.

There's nothing to be gained by dwelling on those relationships even though those people eclipsed everyone else in my emotions at a point in time. Time, has moved on, and so must I, because I have one life to live, that is passing by quickly, and a human hunger to experience what, mutual, love must be like with someone who is actually right for me, and good for me, for a change. Neither of the men that I will always love in some way, because of how, profoundly, they touched my soul, were those things that I need. For different reasons, those relationships were not viable. Fantasies are fragile in the cold conditions of reality. Being clear-eyed now, with no more stardust in my eyes, and standing strong, as, my own, advocate, without the butterflies, fluttering in my stomach, which used to make my knees so weak, I see that I am better off without them. Both men brought much more misery to my life than joy when it was all said and done. They tenderly touched my heart, took it all the way up to the mountaintop, and then, unceremoniously, threw it over a cliff. It just barely survived, the last one of the two. Would I ever want to go through that again? UH UH. Was it worth it? NO WAY. I want a feast, of fun, and fulfillment, not crumbs, or leftovers. I believe that, 'Mr. Right', will value me, and treat me better. 

I'm at peace with the fact that those two men weren't meant for me. I want to be as pragmatic as possible while focusing on increasing my chances of getting what  I want, with someone new, that it could work out with. I plan to live my life going forward, in the reality of the situation as it is, rather than in foolish fantasies from the past. I can see now, that not having some relationships work out is a blessing in disguise, saving me a lot of disappointment and grief. My focus is on increasing my odds elsewhere. I want romance, passion and sex. I want laughter and love. I want someone I can trust, who won't let me down time and time again. Someone who is really there for me. Jim and I broke up but got back together several times almost immediately after each split, but I see now that it was a mistake to do that because, instead of valuing me as someone special, and treating me better after a breakup, he actually took me for granted, because he could see how deep my love for him was when I took him back after he did things that I'd honestly lost respect for him for. He knew, I was hooked on him, like a helpless fish, caught on a line. I got treated that way by the second of the two men also. He overwhelmed me with a charm that no one had ever unleashed on me before, and once he saw that I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker, he began treating me badly. It devastated me, but he didn't care. It was part of the reason that I battled suicide not all that long ago. It was merely manipulation of my emotions, for whatever reason, that he decided to do that, to me. Ego, maybe? Control over me? I shudder to think, what his reason was. There's nothing worse for a woman than loving a good man who doesn't turn out to be a good man. At least, to her. I learned a lot of lessons from him, though.

 

    

I'm not going to care about any man, more than, I care about myself, and what I need, going forward. If THAT isn't there, I won't be, either. I will not allow myself to be shortchanged and disrespected and remain in the relationship with anyone. Both men taught me, what I DO want in a man and what I DON'T want in a man.  I don't want to ever be married again, anyway, so I would prefer dating different guys, rather than settle down with just one. Keep things light and fun, so I don't get my heart broken again. It's hard to find as many men to date, at my age, but  I really want to date younger men because I am so energetic and fun-loving still! 

Ideally, I will come across one man, along the way, that will make a good lover. I have been celibate for over 25 years now. That's a long time! TOO Long. I'm also monogamous, when it comes to sex, for health reasons, etc. I hope to be able to just 'play the field', for a while, and out of that find someone who is fun, and hot, to me. I'M SO EXCITED, because I have been delaying gratification for years, and very soon now I should be able to FINALLY focus on HAVING SOME FUN! NO ONE ELSE 'has skin in the game' when it comes to my achieving my goals. IT'S UP TO ME to DO ALL I CAN to MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I was shattered for a long time, after these men DEVASTATED me and left me licking my own wounds, while they have both enjoyed their relationships with wonderful women, who, truthfully, are probably too good for them. I don't have them, but I have MYSELF back, now.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:21 NIV)

I'm smart and funny and passionate and enthusiastic, and I have been giving my heart to the wrong men my whole life. I want to guard that treasure, much more carefully, going forward. I don't want to have to spend ANY more of MY, precious, time trying to get over some creep that conned me, like, my last husband, whom  I refer to as 'a son of Satan', or some charmer that nearly costs me my life when they suddenly turn that off and leave me wondering what happened to my heart. MY HEART IS NOT A GAME TO BE PLAYED WITH. I really want to focus on finding  a guy who VALUES, honesty, and sincerity. The next time, a man makes my eyes shine bright, with love, for him, I want him to be WORTH IT, for a change. In the meantime, I plan to have a lot of fun flirting! More than finding LOVE, I just need to HAVE SOME FUN, now. I HOPE I have a GOOD SUMMER this year. I am READY!

* Setting an intention: Intention setting is the process of creating a clear and focused mental or emotional intention for a specific goal or outcome. It involves consciously directing your thoughts and energy toward a desired outcome or experience, with the aim of increasing the likelihood of achieving it. It is the process of identifying and articulating your values, aspirations, and how you want to live your life. It's about creating a mental framework that guides your actions, thoughts, and reactions.

Where Things Stand, For Me, Right Now:

I chose the title of this blog post to catch you up on what's been going on in my life because I haven't been blogging for a few months, but I'm also using it as a reference to my current leg injuries, that I'm trying to recover from, for the last couple of weeks or so now. I'm frustrated by being sidelined in some ways, with that, because I was so productive lately, getting through my lengthy 'To Do List'

in a much faster and more fulfilling way, than I had been doing for quite awhile. Not blogging was one of the biggest reasons that happened because all of those hours, over several days, it, usually, takes me to write most of these posts, was freed up to use toward achieving that goal instead. Being able to focus on these other things that are also important to me was a wonderful feeling, reducing my stress more as each task was checked off my list as being "done" finally. I made some real progress but I still have more to do, that I can't do currently, because those are the very things that led to injuring both my legs. My left leg is healing much faster than the right one. I was on my knees, for prolonged periods, to do  the big project that was still on my list. It was coming together well! I was close  to finally being finished with it, until I had to stop-- for now at least-- because of both my legs swelling up from my knees all the way through both my feet. It has affected what I can do and not do to some extent although thankfully (especially since, I live alone, and must be able to be autonomous, to care for myself) I am able to bear weight on both legs, as well as sit and stand. My left leg appears to  be improving but I have had little-to-no improvement of my right leg so far. It is the more swollen of the two, and the only one with any pain, due to the injuries.

Everything about having good health has taken on much more importance to me as I have gotten older. My concerns are compounded by the fact that if I lose my ability to be independent everything else that matters most to me will be deeply, and possibly permanently, affected by that. Young people can, usually, take their good health for granted, but as we age, that often changes, significantly. When I was in my early twenties, I recall feeling so bored, because of life being so much of 'the same old same old' almost all the time. As I got older, and, also, because, so many things on this earth seem to be becoming more unstable and uncertain,  I've realized that being bored is a true luxury, which far too many people on this planet don't ever have any ability to experience in their lives, at all, due to being  in war zones, or in areas of famine, flood, or fire, and so many other really scary scenarios. I have truly been blessed, so far, to have lived for more than 68 years on earth and be in the, general, circumstances in which I've almost always found myself. Even though I've gone through some truly traumatizing things in my life, as well as some deeply heartbreaking ones, I have never had enemy tanks on my street, or missiles flying overhead my home. I have gone hungry, at times, but it was never due to an inescapable famine in the country that I live in. I have been raped, but I have never had my female parts mutilated by misogynists. As I type this, the entire planet is feeling anxious, because of so much going on that we all wish wouldn't be. Life, is so fragile, and fleeting, and precarious, and precious! It amazes and appalls me how carelessly and callously many people choose to treat this gift of life, whether their own or the lives of others. We're all just one breath, or one heartbeat, away from no longer existing on the earth, and so many things, and far too many people, can take that privilege from us, or from our loved ones. 

Even with all the blessings, that I have had, in my life, by the time I came to live here I was more than a little the worse for wear, and was feeling fairly exhausted from everything that I have been (put) through and from the impact of people on me, who-- in whatever way(s), and for whatever reason(s)-- haven't had my best interests at heart, and who probably didn't treat me the way, they, would want to be treated, if things between us had been reversed. When all of the bull crap and the heartbreak that I have been through here happened to me, on top of all that, it almost cost me my life, by being 'the final straw', breaking me. The struggle to not commit suicide was real, and it truly frightened me, because I deeply cherish the gift of life, and try hard to take care of my health and such, to, hopefully, live  a long life. That was about a year ago, that I had to struggle mightily, to not give in to those thoughts of self-destruction. I almost didn't make it through that, and  it really took a toll on me. Until I moved here, I had never really experienced the  bullying that leads people to commit suicide. When I would see news stories, and read articles, about people going through this, I used to wonder, how words from other people could cause anyone to despair of living. I couldn't imagine that. I've just gotten tears in my eyes, typing this, now, because what I am about to say is that, NOW I KNOW, because, people here, have put me through that. My eyes are filled to the brim with tears now, because of the sadness, and the anger, I feel, at being mistreated this way. They couldn't possibly have any good reason for doing this to me, but that hasn't stopped them; and these are grown adults in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even 80s. Their behavior deeply disgusts me. Especially when it has come from the, supposedly, 'devout' Christians, that should know better-- and, do better. The fact that they have been the 'leaders' of this movement, to disrespect, and discredit, me, has made it even more painful for me, because they know that  I am also a Christian. This community could have been something truly special for everyone here, but they, chose, to interject this toxicity into the lives of residents here, and it can't be undone now. The damage has been done. Not only to me but to others they targeted as well-- some of whom moved away to escape it and how bad it made them feel. Others moved away who weren't targeted, but didn't like it being such a prominent part of life here, and its effect on the, social, atmosphere.

I just looked at myself in the mirror, and I look, tired, pale, and, noticeably, older, than when I moved here full of excitement at, finally, having this miracle happen, for me, of owning my own home. From my very first day here, the main leader of the clique, also the main instigator, of people treating me badly, from, ostracizing me, to defaming me by outright lies, has disrupted and destroyed my privacy and my peace. It can never be undone-- all the damage that has caused to my life, in this community, by affecting and undermining my initial opportunities for healthy, happy, relationships, with the residents, and staff-- causing me to continually feel ill-at-ease and uncertain, as to what the people that I am interacting with actually believe about me, from all the gossip and untruths told about me, by these clique members, and others, as it spread. I am deeply angry about it. There is no way I will ever choose to be friends with these people who have done this to me. It told me all I need or want to know about their own character. After receiving advice to practice 'Radical Acceptance'* of them, though, for my own sake, I recently began trying to at least act 'neighborly' when I encounter them by being willing to speak to them as I pass by. It is one of the hardest things I have ever even attempted. I don't like them!-- for how they treated me-- and I don't trust them enough to feel safe being vulnerable, around, or with, them.  My main coping mechanism for how I deal with people who mistreat me has always been to, shut down, and withdraw.

I honestly didn't think that I could even attempt to 'accept' these people. This is a very small community though that seems to very often be mainly fueled by gossip

wearing the more pious mask of concern. Maybe, I am just being cynical, to put it that way, but my instincts say that I am right about this-- especially regarding the clique members-- because, if I weren't, how does one explain how these Christian people (that many, but not all, of the clique claim to be) never showed me a bit of 'godly' concern, while they were defaming me, to anyone and everyone they tried to recruit into the clique, against me? Especially the 'leaders', who knew that I am a Christian 'sister in the Lord', and that I had chosen to show them grace and care even after they started disrespecting me, in the beginning, to demonstrate that to them. What they said about me was so over-the-top, and so hateful, that the time came when my normal reaction, to such treatment, to just avoid them, altogether, as much as possible, became how I coped. I disliked them, to the point that, even the sight of them, filled me with resentment, rage, and other unhealthy emotions, boiling inside of me, continually. It was affecting my health, and well-being, while they lived their lives happily because this wasn't being done to them but by them. For my own sake, I had to try to accept that this is who these people are. I'm not even the only resident that they did this type of crap to. I'm just the main target.

Because it is not based on my liking these people (because I don't) but on simply accepting that, they are who they are, and it is what it is, I had to, really, grapple with making the conscious choice to even say "Hi" to them. It took everything, in me, but I did start doing that, this past week. Someone who knew I considered it asked me if I felt better, now that I had started to at least be social, toward them, and I replied, no, I do not feel any better. Only my outward behavior changed. Not my feelings about, all, the ways and times, throughout, my years living here, they have openly shown me disrespect and even outright hostility. They made a choice. There are consequences, for choices that we make in this life. Including, for them.

 

The only thing concerning me, about my being willing to treat them civilly, now, is that they will misperceive my actions, as somehow accepting that, what they have done, is 'okay' with me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I choose to try to be nice toward almost everyone, as much as possible, but unfortunately, it's often taken as 'weakness' or 'stupidity' by people that can't comprehend the great strength (including strength of character) that it takes for me to do that, at times.

So, that is something new that I am trying (without, much desire, or enthusiasm) to accomplish-- for my own sake. Disliking them, as much as I do, was eating me up inside. My focus, and concern, are for my own health and well-being. If God is going to accomplish anything else, in this situation, He is going to have to do it. I acknowledge that He can; especially, since my change in behavior has opened up  a door, for Him to work through. But, I can tell you, it would take, a true miracle!

Some significant things, have happened to me, here, which I consider to be true miracles. God finally blessed me with a home of my very own-- which was, truly, impossible, when I started crying out to Him about my needing this, for my soul.  But, I saw the circumstances, and timing, coming together, in such a way that, it could only be Him bringing this to be. That fact has comforted me a lot, including as I struggled with being suicidal last Spring. While I have often felt undermined, by all the gossip here, I cling, tenaciously, to what I know to be true and of good report**, from the Lord, who is, Himself, Truth. Romans 8:28 is the banner Bible verse over me: "And we know that  God causes everything  to work together  for the  good  of  those  who  love  God  and  are called according to His purpose for them." (NLT) While I see some of the miracles that He has done for me, with my own eyes, others are things that He has done in my heart. That shows me that I can have my heart changed, by Him,-- including, how I feel toward people, if He so chooses. It is not always possible to fathom all the ways, and means, that are the catalysts for change in our lives. Some seem sent by God, but, others, more like some Special Delivery from the Devil himself. In the end, though, God is the one who causes everything to work together for our good-- even the things that, seem to us to be, so bad, especially as we are in the midst of experiencing them.

I have often cried out to God for a 'special someone', to love, and be loved by, in my life. That still has never come together for me, but there are times that I feel that, all things considered, where men are concerned, God is trying to spare me, from, more, of the aggravation, and angst, that men seem to bring into my life. I have such a deep capacity for love. Most, humans, never get to see that, though, because they usually don't inspire, or awaken that, in my heart. I have learned to be very circumspect, and cautious, where other human beings are concerned, due to being handled so carelessly and coldly by so many of them, throughout my life.

I have been significantly let down (an understatement!) by so many people, in so  many ways. I am generally extremely wary of other human beings, which, makes it very difficult for one of them to get into my heart. That is a sacred space, to be sure. Very few people have been able to do it, and probably have no idea, what a compliment, that is, to them, when they do. I've dated countless men. I was also married, several, times, before I, finally, realized, in my thirties, that I do not like marriage, and I have stayed single ever since. Yet there have only been two men  in my entire life, so far, who completely captured my heart. The tragedy of that is neither one of them even wanted it. As I stare at that sentence, I shake my head, trying to make sense of that. The odds should have been in my favor, that, out of all the men, I have known in my life, ONE, would have been my soul mate. When  I was working as a dancer I talked to thousands of men in those nightclubs, and I even married two of them from there, but I didn't really love either one of them. I just tried (and failed) to make the best of a bad situation. The first man that ever actually captured my heart (and then threw it back) was my second husband Jim; my son's father. My heart was solidly stuck on him. I couldn't get over loving him, no matter how hard I tried. In the meantime, he married a wonderful woman, as his second wife, and they've had a very good marriage, together, all these years. 

The only other man, that my heart ever truly loved, was not even trying to get in my heart, and I don't think that either one of us saw that coming, or were happy about it, at all. All I got was the worst heartbreak of my life, and the unexpected gift that, he was able to finally bump Jim out of where he had been lodged in my heart without budging for so many years. That, amazed me, because no one had ever been anywhere near able to do that, and this man did it without trying to! I suffered, enormously, trying to get over the man, that 'cured me' of loving Jim. I  was finally able to kill the butterflies and stop the weak knees he caused, and get free of the torment of that, by allowing myself to feel the anger, in me, at how he disrespected me and humiliated me as his way of reacting to the unwelcome and unwanted feelings that I had for him. He was an expert exterminator of my love. My heart's finally free of deeply loving any man now, which I consider to be a gift to me, because I am fully open to finding my person now, if God made a man for me. Maybe that old expression, "The third time's the charm", will be true for me, where love is concerned! I, finally, feel excited, about the possibilities, instead of feeling stuck loving either one of the two men that, for their own reasons, didn't want me. This is one of the main reasons that I stopped blogging, the end of last year, until I resumed it, now. Sitting here writing this is not getting me outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and isn't helping me meet someone who might be my soul mate, before I run out of time to ever have them in my life if I do find them. 

Right before I decided to attempt the 'Radical Acceptance' regarding my situation here, I felt the toxic impact of living surrounded by clique members so strongly, I didn't think it would be good for my holistic health to continue to live like this. For a very brief moment in time, I seriously leaned toward leaving, but God reminded me what He did for me, to bring me here, and give me my home, and that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10), which is what I've been up against here, because, it IS such a GREAT BLESSING, from GOD, for me. Acts 2:28 (NLT) says, "You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence." I have often told God that, I trust Him, because, I can take Him at His Word. He DID bring me here, and He DID give me my home, that brings me such joy every day. I just have to keep on trusting Him, to work out all the other stuff.

I am trying to get past all that. I would so much rather have a positive report, to share with you, such as the 'Radical Acceptance' bringing something about that's better for us all. This could be such a great place, for ALL of us to be, if this kind  of petty crap was stopped, once and for all, and everyone made a genuine effort  to behave better toward one another. God does miracles, so there's always hope! 

I have been delayed in getting the last few things of my 'To Do List' done, while I try to heal my two legs. Since, working on those projects led to these injuries, in the first place, I don't think I should do anymore of them, unless and until all the swelling and tenderness goes down. This frustrating setback is keeping me home right now, preventing my getting out there to meet new people beyond this small community which, I hope, will lead to my, finally, finding true love, at some point! If you pray, please pray for my health and healing, and that I find the RIGHT guy to CAPTURE MY HEART, next time I fall in love. When I pray about it, I tell God, I  hope, whoever he is, will have similar attributes to the only two men I have ever truly loved, but maybe not the same faults (even though everybody has some). I  did not feel respected by either one of the men I loved, and that is a pet peeve of mine. At the very least, I hope the man for me will love music, love to dance, and make me laugh! I also hope they will be honest with me because I hate being lied to. I don't see how anyone can truly love someone that doesn't respect them, and that is not honest with them. Sexual attraction, however strong, only goes so far.

If this healing of my legs takes a long time, I might not have much of anything to  share with you here next month, because of being so curtailed and constrained by it. It is so frustrating, because I truly thought I would already be totally done with the long 'To Do List', finally, and fixing myself up, and getting out of the house, to go explore, and enjoy some of my hobbies such as photography and drawing, and hopefully meet some fun people to become friends with, and maybe my Mr. Right!

(If I do meet 'my guy', there are going to be some, private, things that I won't be sharing, here, of course, because I don't want him to resent my being a blogger!)   

* Radical Acceptance: "At its most basic, radical acceptance is a practice that involves accepting emotions, thoughts and circumstances that are unchangeable and out of your control. To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you’re in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better." - Nicole McDermott https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-radical-acceptance/#:~:text=At%20its%20most%20basic%2C%20radical,reality%20includes%20pain%20or%20discomfort.

** "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." - Philippians 4:8 (King James Bible)