I'm Torn Between Showing Grace Or Fury

As a Christian I am called to forgive others. The Bible even 'strongly encourages' that I do that, by saying, "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." (Matthew 6:15 NIV) God knows (literally!) that I have committed my share of sins. That being said though, I think that everyone tends to give more weight to the transgressions of others, while 'grading' their own 'on the curve', so to speak. We can explain our own, justifying them, to ourselves at least. The fact remains, however, that the Bible also says, in Romans 3:23 (NIV), "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". Every person on the planet is  a sinner, whether we acknowledge, or admit, that, or not. The human 'disease' of being infected by Original Sin and then becoming further tainted by our own sins causes a depravity in our souls that causes us not to care, or not to care enough,  if we sin, which almost always affects other people, besides making our own lives worse in some ways. Sin can infect a rational mind and make it have crazy ideas. 

I empathize with the Apostle Paul who wrote of this very struggle (Romans 7:18), "I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." (ESV) I truly love the Lord, however it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to forgive, or even WANT to forgive, the sins that others have done toward me (either by commission or omission), which have hurt me deeply, damaged me, traumatized me, scarred me, broken me and alot of other things which have left me 'the worse for wear' (an understatement).

I am caught between the fury I feel toward them for hurting me when I don't feel that I deserved that from them and the grace God calls me to extend to them, in spite of their wronging me, even in some extreme ways. My default position is to cut these people out of my life. It has, finally, dawned on me, late in life, that if I throw everyone who is a sinner out of my life to (try to) prevent their causing me more pain than they already have, there won't be anybody left at all, to have any relationship with! To (try to) spare myself more heartbreak at the hands of these people, I have become more and more isolated in life. Humans, are social beings. Therefore, despite, protecting myself from more pain, I am not living my best life.

To my credit (because of all I've been put through by people in my life), I usually 

do try to extend grace instead of unleashing my fury on them for wronging me in some way. Rather than this making the relationships better, when I do this (as a, generous, gift, to them) it seems to somehow cause them to think that I am just passively accepting their bad behaviors, toward me, when that is not the case, at all. The advice to 'be the bigger person' has never worked well, for me. It causes people to think that, I am a pushover, a weak person, with no boundaries for the way that I will allow others to behave toward me (due to my having self respect).

I seem to often end up getting taken advantage of, mistreated even more, looked down on, thought of as stupid, and disrespected, when I 'turn the other cheek' to people who are not treating me well. It also has not helped when I have used the coping and communication tools that counselors have advised me to do, over the years, either. One example among many is the breakdown in the relationship with my sister. Ascent Through The Dark Night Of The Soul: My Life Reflections: 'Bossy Bitch' is NOT a LOVE LANGUAGE. is my blog post about her. There is much more I could say about how she chose to treat me over the years. Because she had been my favorite family member, as we grew up, I had hoped she would not get sucked into all of the family dysfunction, that had cast me as family 'scapegoat' because I was the one who wanted us all to be honest about the toxic behaviors going on in that house. I knew it was damaging to me, in some profound ways, and I had felt protective toward her, as well, because of it; until she sadly started to show signs of ostracizing me too. It is the scapegoat who is isolated in this toxic family scene.

I could have been bitter about how I was treated by these people who were family by blood, but when I finally went No Contact and stayed that way, for 15 years, to try to protect myself from the damaging, and destructive, ways that I was treated by them, I still replied to her email that came out of the blue, after all that time. I could not help but notice that she had, clearly, had my email address all along but had not used it to communicate with me, until she needed my help, now. She was telling me in it that our mother was injured and ill, after a fall, and soon after that email, from her, came the one saying that, our mother had passed away. She, was the executor, of our mother's will, and over the next many months she needed my full cooperation to accomplish all of the things that were required in the settling of our mother's estate. I graciously provided that support for, and assistance to, her, the whole way through, to the best of my ability, considering that, Covid was new on the scene, the world over, and I was terrified of it. I even moved, much closer, to the family, after that, but I felt that the only relationship with my relatives that showed any promise was with her. She helped, to get the truck unloaded, but was quite surprisingly, to me, extremely bossy toward me immediately afterward; in a very loud voice, outdoors, in earshot of the other residents of this community that I had just moved halfway across the country to live in. It was not any 'older sister syndrome', because I am the oldest daughter, and she is the youngest member of the family and about 6 years younger than I am. She is a Scorpio though, which I believe explains some of it, although that doesn't excuse it. Somewhere along the way she began to, also, have the, narcissistic, traits of our mother. Narcissists are extremely dangerous for my well-being. They are the ONE THING on the planet, I have learned the hard way, can, absolutely, dangerously, DECIMATE me. In effect they are my kryptonite (something that can seriously weaken or harm someone). 

When counselors gave me advice, about how to deal with difficult people that are even, potentially, deadly, for me to deal with, in some situations, because of their extremely negative impact on my mental, emotional, and even physical health, it apparently did not take into account that the person, or persons, that I would use that advice on, would not simply comply with it, because I hoped to have a better relationship with them without me being victimized, by their dysfunction (or, sin).  I was told that setting strong boundaries with people by my communicating how I will or will not allow them to behave toward me would create happier relationships for me. At the very least, healthier ones. I do not want dysfunctional, destructive, relationships with anyone! It is clear we have no control over how people treat us or react to us, however, which leaves me with the dilemma of how to have happy relationships with people, if they are set on treating me disrespectfully, and such.

When I seem to be left with no choice but to end relationships with others who by their own choosing are not treating me well I don't see any way to prevent a total cessation of the interactions between us, that are causing me damage or distress. I am showing self-respect by standing my ground in the face of such treatment. I was blindsided and, totally, taken aback, when my sister Pam, suddenly, began to act that way, toward me, out of nowhere. I was both horrified and hurt. I kept my own voice even, though, as I said to her, in a very firm, and direct, way, "DO NOT DISRESPECT ME. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT." When she returned for a second visit to my new home 3 weeks later she was not here for more than a few minutes before I sensed that, she had come in already having an attitude, of hostility, toward me.

Not long after that she stood up, and screamed at me, before leaving my home in a huff, because she wasn't happy that I was describing to her how, unfortunately, right I had been, about the nosey neighbor down the street, who, ruined, my first week in my new community, by trying to boss me around, from my first day here. That woman, was so oppressively overbearing that she singlehandedly caused me to think that I had made a huge mistake moving here, which left me in tears, as I struggled to feel excited and happy about this move despite how horrible she was.

My sister had noted herself, the day that I moved in, how frequently this neighbor interfered with her unloading the truck even though it had no direct impact on her own home or property, which was down the street, and on the other side. She had nevertheless advised me not to assert my rightful boundaries, with this person, in order to 'go along, to get along' with her, which went against everything, years, of counseling, had taught me to do in such a situation. That advice did nothing at all to prevent this overbearing stranger from making my life miserable, from my first day here. I truly feel that, some situations cannot be reconciled or redeemed with other people because of how they have chosen to act in regard to me. Seeing that my sister's advice only encouraged this woman to become completely invasive, in my private life, which was unacceptable to me, I chose to go with the counselors' advice, to politely, but firmly, state clear boundaries which worked better for what I needed my life to be like, in order for it to be, as healthy and happy as possible.

That did not work with this woman, at all, either, because even when she actually acknowledged to me that she knew she was invading my space too much, she did not seem to have the self control to stop herself, from doing that, to me. She is a very controlling person. That trait in people seems to be their 'Go To' behavior, to bolster their own self-esteem, but that is at the expense of others like me who do not want or need them bossing us around. I'm in my SIXTIES and I don't need it!

  

I think it touched a nerve in my sister because of her being so bossy herself but it did not justify her creating, two, over-the-top, scenes, in her only two visits to my new home. She left me with no choice but to back away again, from a relationship with her, because I had drawn a counselor-advised 'line in the sand' clearly stating to her that she must not show me disrespect, in a relationship with me, and in my own home. When I stated that, very clearly, during her first visit, yet, she CHOSE, to treat me that way again, the only path forward for us would have had to be her changing her ways and making amends for that bad behavior, which she didn't do.

 

I had wanted us to have a, mutually, enjoyable relationship, with one another. But I was not going to be mistreated by her (or, anyone else), and still be expected to maintain a relationship with them, when they chose to, repeatedly, disrespect me. I had made my position perfectly clear, to her, and she 'acted out' in defiance of it.

No other outcome would have been possible, based on how she chose to treat me.

 

That doesn't mean that I don't love my sister, because I do. It also doesn't mean I do not mourn what, I had hoped, we could build together, as our relationship, that we could and would BOTH enjoy. I had measured the guest room of my new home to make sure that, a new, comfortable, bed, that I bought, would fit the space, for both her and my brother-in-law to come often, and enjoy as a second home away from home. I had referred to it as 'her room'. I daydreamed about decorating the Christmas tree, together, each Holiday Season, and making homemade soup, and cookies, for their arrival. All that was shattered when my sister chose to make me feel like I had to walk on eggs IN MY OWN HOME, and MADE ME CRINGE, because of her sudden and uncalled for outbursts that were clearly meant to get me to 'fall in line' with whatever her wishes were in order to allow her to exercise COMPLETE CONTROL of the situation and narrative. It was neither healthy nor happy, for me.

So, how do I 'turn the other cheek', and show grace to people, when my doing so seems to give them permission (in their minds) to mistreat me, with a willfulness that is at my expense? Not many people have ever seen the extent of my temper, but when I have had it with peoples' shit and decide there is nothing to be gained by 'stuffing' my anger, anymore, and I unleash it for them to see, some have said that it truly shocked (and, at times, even scared) them, because, I am so benign-seeming, for the most part. I do prefer to be respectful toward others, but I don't always get that treatment in return. I, usually, stay calm in my interactions, even then, but when someone takes that as being permission to openly disrespect me,  I start to feel a, smoldering, and sometimes, even seething, fury, within me, that can finally, openly, manifest itself if I get pushed too hard, or too far, to hold it in, anymore. It is a frustrating fact for me that, people seem to take my niceness for weakness. That is a BIG MISCALCULATION on their part. I'm capable of becoming as cold as ice, toward someone, if they take advantage of my, usual, good nature and my, normally, gentle spirit. I'm caring and supportive, but I am also nobody's doormat, and I start to seethe with rage whenever anybody tries to harm me, my well-being, my reputation, or my relationships. There is no excuse, for that. I end up, paying the price, for that, and I didn't deserve to be treated that way at all. If people are being honest with themselves, they know that I haven't done anything to deserve to be mistreated, or disrespected, by them, because I, sincerely, try to treat people well, or at the very least, respectfully; unless or until, they give me a good reason not to. Even then, I, typically, just try to avoid them, at all costs, if at all possible, rather than continue to be exposed to their bad behaviors toward me. I wish no one any harm but I also, definitely, do not want them harming me at all.

For me, this often means dismissing the people, from my life, who insult my soul.

I seem to always get the blame, for others' bad behavior, some way, or other. It is no wonder that human beings are the least enjoyable aspect of my life on earth. I would rather do almost anything than have to interact with another person, alot of the time. It is often so anxiety-producing for me, because I am always anticipating 'the other shoe to drop', or 'the shit to hit the fan' because I chose to optimistically open myself up to risk a relationship, of any kind, with another person. Interacting with other people has often been a huge disappointment, for me. They seem to be draining, to deal with, instead of, a source of nurturance, for my soul. Due to that, I live my life, mostly, isolated, trying to, cut my losses, and heal my wounds, from my encounters with other human beings. They, almost never, leave me, better off, than I was before I took what feels like a HUGE RISK, to me, to open myself up to them. The risk-reward, of my doing this, has not encouraged me to do much of it.

I have to 'feel up to' dealing with other people, to even, try it, at this point. They tend to leave me in worse shape, than I was before I interacted with them, as in, more anxious, more hurt, more traumatized, more angry.... Not everyone puts a detrimental dent in my soul, but so many have, over the course of my life, that I am way past 'gun shy', at this point. Sadly, I assume, from the outset, that most people are going to be some sort of PROBLEM for me, if I OPEN UP TO THEM, and it usually turns out to be that way, sooner or later. I RARELY have relationships, I feel 'SAFE' in; as in, I can fully trust the other person, enough, to really let down my guard with them. The few people, I DO have this with, are so precious to me! 

I know that what I am saying here can make it seem that I simply want to justify my not showing people grace, but I truly do start out showing grace to people, in almost every situation or circumstance, because I actually have a strong aversion to any conflict or confrontation with other people. That being said, I draw the line without hesitation, if, or when, they begin to mistreat me; to put a stop to that. I tend to simply avoid them altogether at that point, though, rather than engage in some scene, that I feel will not help things, and worse, may provoke me to finally lose my temper at them, if only because of my 'righteous indignation' at the ways they are either misunderstanding or misinterpreting my actions; and are doing so in such a way that it doesn't really reflect the truth of the matter or my heart in it.

When they ascribe certain actions or behaviors to me that I am not even doing, to blame me for the situation, it not only frustrates me, it angers me. Sometimes it's to deflect the blame from themselves, also, which adds insult to injury. When they gossip about me, spreading these inaccuracies and slanted stories about me, I get even more upset about it. These types of things have happened to me ALOT, since I moved here. It is such a gossipy environment. The facts, and truth, have little to do with it, as far as the things said about me have gone. Yet I have had to pay the price for people automatically assuming that these things are all accurate, as they spread it themselves, rather than even ask me directly about any of it. It defames my character, damaging my reputation, in ways that I do not deserve. Throughout this ongoing ordeal, my only consolation has been that, GOD KNOWS THE TRUTH. I am a sinner; and I am definitely not a perfect person (nor are ANY of the people saying all these things about me, who are also-- ALL-- sinners-- a fact, that hasn't escaped my attention as I cry out to God about how unfairly I have been treated).

There have been so many twists and turns in things here, for me. I didn't see any of it coming, when I pulled up in my rented moving truck and started my new life here. I naively assumed, this would be a very, mutually, supportive, environment. I truly thought that people would be glad that we are all, unique, individuals, and even celebrate that fact, because, it would, add interest, to the social mix. I think that being 'copycat' clones of one another would be so boring and restrictive. But, that seems to be exactly what the people, who created the clique here, want this place to be like. I don't want anything to do with such a petty mindset and group.

Many of them surround me on my street, unfortunately. It causes a 'catty' feel to the community, that I think hurts how happy of a home it could be for every one of us-- including the clique members. Since I am a Christian, and they know this, about me, I think it's especially egregious that the leaders who created the clique also claim to be 'Christians'. Where is JESUS in ANY of THAT? Someone started a Bible study here, and I want nothing to do with it, because of the involvement of these people. I could never feel comfortable being around people who have done such ugly things to me, and for no reason. There's been ALOT of pointing fingers at MY supposed sins, here, and often by people whom I, not only, have not done anything to, but have been victimized by, myself, by their, spreading gossip, and lies, about me. I know if this was reversed they would not want me to have done any such thing to them. This sad and stressful situation comes from the fact that the people decide they can treat me however badly they want to, and for no real reason, because I chose to 'turn the other cheek' (Matthew 5:39) and show them grace (which is, UNMERITED FAVOR), when they have treated me so hurtfully. So many times, as I passed by the house of one of the main creators of the clique, I greeted her politely as I kept on walking while all the while knowing that she was telling people here not to be friends with me but to just 'cut me off', because she didn't like me. (The only thing she can really dislike me for is my not allowing her to control me, which is what she tried to do from my first day living here, since it is the same woman who was, repeatedly, bothering us about where my truck was parked to be unloaded when I moved here; which just happened to be where the OWNER OF THE COMMUNITY had parked it for me, because HE THOUGHT IT WAS BEST THERE.) I had people here sign a birthday card, for her, and I stayed silent, so many times, while she sniped at me with mean-spirited comments when I was just walking by, to take my trash to the dumpster or get my mail. I was MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, NOT BOTHERING HER, but SHE saw fit to treat ME that way.

Another, 'Christian', here, that pointed fingers at my supposed sins, once told me about his pastor and church, and gave me the information to view the link online.  I actually did that because at the time I admired his faith and had no idea that he was one of the main ones cooperating with the clique leaders to spread rumors. I eventually found out about that and it explained alot that just hadn't added up to me before. It is a very hard situation to try to explain here, though, both because it is deeply hurtful and very complicated. I just felt tears start forming in my eyes at the mere thought of reliving the TRAUMA of this series of events in order to try to describe it, now. It got so bad for me that, at one point, I came close to suicide over it all, which truly scared me. I was 98% leaning toward suicide, and only the grace of God, and one friend here who still seems to believe in me and my having a good heart despite the things that, I am sure, she has also been told about me, kept that from happening. Because I am someone who does not go around trying to hurt anybody, and because I am a very 'live and let live' type of person, who is very accepting of other people being unique individuals, the brutal browbeatings I have endured here for simply being me and doing the best I can with what I have been handed here to have to deal with have been very hard on me. In John 10:10 the Bible says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy, but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." God Himself, has always been my greatest blessing, because, He is Truth and Love and Mercy and Grace. After Him, my beloved cockatiel, CeeBee, was my second greatest blessing, in this life. He is in Heaven now, since the summer of 2011, and someday, when it is God's timing,  I shall be with him again, forever. My third greatest blessing, I have EVER had, in my entire life, is THIS HOME. God did a MIRACLE to make this IMPOSSIBLE thing POSSIBLE for ME, and I still cannot fully comprehend that IT IS REALLY MINE and that God DID this, to BLESS ME with one of the DEEPEST DESIRES OF MY HEART. (The other desire of my heart has been to be deeply, truly, loved, by a good man, at some point, so I can finally know what BEING LOVED 'WELL' actually feels like.)

Because this home brings me SO MUCH JOY and is SUCH A BLESSING (because I have NEVER HAD MY OWN HOME before this, and it did not happen until my mid-60s) it makes sense that, Satan would come after it, with a vengeance, to create despair and hopelessness in my heart. I expect that from this enemy. What I was NOT expecting was how he would do MOST of his work through the CHRISTIANS.

The man that told me to watch the services from his church online gossiped about me and spread some rumors that were some of the worst defamations of me. One of the other men here, that he talked to about me, began to treat me really badly after inviting me over to his house one day. We stayed outside on the front porch, but he was very drunk and kept pulling his penis out of his shorts while telling me to touch it. I can't go into all the details, that led up to, him treating me that way. It felt really bad, to me, though, and truly traumatized me, even though, I did not leave. I just kept showing him the grace that, so many, here, have not shown me. Despite how badly he and others have treated me here, they always treat me like  I am worse than them by far. I wonder what God will have to say to them about it. He isn't going to let them get away with that, when they are standing before Him.

My computer is old and tired, and has been crashing again and again and again all day, and at this point, I just need to finish this post and hit 'publish' while it is still able to do so. There is still SO MUCH that I HAVEN'T SPOKEN ABOUT HERE. Some of it is just too private to me, and some is just too painful to me. You may wonder why I did not just get up and leave that hot afternoon when this drunk neighbor, I was visiting, treated me that way. There are several reasons for that, but mainly I was just so despondent and demoralized, by then, that I did not feel like, anyone, here would treat me any better; so maybe that's all I deserved. I was emotionally 'punch drunk', from, all the blows, to my self-esteem, by people here, by then. It really affected me, deeply. This man even tried to, force, my head down, onto his penis, at one point, saying to me, "Suck it. Just suck on it." It was so deeply sad, to me, that a neighbor I had never mistreated thought I deserved that, from him. I often show people so much more grace than they show me, while I stuff alot of fury down inside me from the injustice and unrighteousness of it all. It hurts alot. 

I wish him no harm and have prayed for him to recover from health issues he has had to deal with. But, I have not tried to socialize with him in any way since then, nor would I, after he treated me that badly. He seems oblivious to the fact that, I was seriously traumatized by his behavior toward me that day, and appears to be either clueless or totally insensitive to the fact that I really would rather not have any interactions with him, after that humiliating and hurtful ordeal. When, I have been outside walking, he has spoken to me, on a couple of occasions, since then. He has NEVER APOLOGIZED, but speaks with me as if NONE OF THAT HAPPENED. 

I feel very stressed when he engages me in conversation, of course, because I do not wish to be spoken to in the manner that he did on that awful day, ever again.  I cringe when he converses with me, because I am still very reactive, in my soul, to him traumatizing me in that way. I feel it was sexual harassment, if not sexual assault. I am someone who prefers to 'live and let live'; doing my best, to accept people as they are. But, when they manifest their character in such a way that, it victimizes me, in some way, I draw the line. I have shown this man great grace. I would really prefer that he not try to force me to talk to him though as I tense up terribly when I even set eyes on him now. My mind, and emotions, go back to the day that he thought treating me like that was alright. The first time that he spoke to me, after the incident on his front porch, was when I was coming home from a walk in Nature which is usually very relaxing for me. Standing on his porch, which I consider 'the scene of the crime', against me, by him, he called out to me, and I stopped but I did not leave the road or go any closer to where he was. He actually said that 'I should come visit him again sometime' as I cringed at his cluelessness

and felt my blood pressure going up, from a combination of both fear and anger. I thought to myself as he said that to me that 'That will never happen' as I went on my way. Even so I showed him grace on that day. The only other day he talked to me I was walking along the street to take my trash to the dumpster and he pulled up beside me in his car. I immediately felt a strong 'fight or flight' response to this and my body tensed up. Other neighbors were outside, in their yards, and he had just been talking with one of the other men that live here, before he saw me, and began to drive his car alongside me as I walked (trying my best to get away from him). He offered to take my trash to the dumpster which was in sight of me, and I didn't need or want his help, or anything else from him, except to leave me alone.

 

I nevertheless showed him grace as I curtly responded that I didn't need that and I kept on walking. He continued driving alongside me, though, refusing, to accept my response, which traumatized me then because my mind went back to the day on his porch when I kept saying I did not want to touch or suck his, pulled-out-of-his-pants, though flaccid, penis, when he kept pressing, and pressuring, me to do so. I tried to walk faster, and my voice rose from fear, and repulsion, as I said in a tone that was clearly agitated, now, "I DO NOT NEED, your HELP, to take my trash out." One of the neighbors looked at me, with an expression that indicated to me I was being seen as behaving RUDELY TO THIS MAN, now, for the (unnecessarily, in THEIR mind) SHARP TONE my voice had taken on toward him. After all, they likely reasoned to themselves that, HE was ONLY TRYING TO HELP. He, was ONLY BEING 'NICE', when in reality, I was actually the one who was TRULY SHOWING GRACE. I could not stop, in this situation, and 'set the record straight', to this onlooker, who was glancing at me now with a critical eye toward my, perceived, mistreatment, of this man. I have had to endure this type of assumption, about my actual character and disposition, frequently, here, as people observe situations I am involved in, or interacting in, and they take, how I am behaving, out of context, because, they do not know all the facts. That's never stopped them, from passing harsh judgments, on me, however. It is extremely frustrating, to me! Even after, I spoke to this man in a much more annoyed tone of voice, the second time, he pressed me, to accept his help (that I clearly did not need or want) to take my trash out, he continued to drive alongside me, even as I was now mere feet from the dumpster, saying that I should let him help me. At that point, my voice grew loud as I emphatically said to him, for THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW that, 'I DID NOT NEED HIS HELP!' A man who lives near the dumpster was out in his yard and witnessed this exchange between me and this other neighbor (who had truly traumatized me and left me with some emotional scars, besides causing me great anxiety NOW, since he was AGAIN NOT ACCEPTING MY SAYING "NO!", to him, in YET ANOTHER INTERACTION, BETWEEN US). I couldn't tell what he was thinking about what he thought he was witnessing but by this point in the prolonged interaction, I was feeling and sounding stressed, and upset at this man. I wasn't able to hide my annoyance and agitation anymore.

As the man, finally, started to drive away, when I was at the dumpster, he said, to me, in a surly tone of voice that showed he was not happy with my reaction to his offer or persistence, "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!" The onlookers could not possibly have known, or likely even understood (since, they were also men), what this, innocuous-seeming, exchange was actually putting me through, as a woman. Despite my fears and feelings about my being forced to deal with this man, again, which I have NO desire to do, I had actually TRIED VERY HARD to be, as pleasant as possible, toward him, and I was definitely extending ALOT of grace toward him.

I have written poems my whole life. I even have a poem I wrote when I was just  8 years old! I write them when my heart is full of some strong emotion, whether that is good or bad, happy or sad. I wrote the following one September 20, 2020 before the miracle of, finally, owning my own home happened for me! It sums up the despair I have often felt about how my life has gone so far and how worn out  I am from the discouraging and exhausting relentlessness of it all. I wasn't trying to step on Pink Floyd's toes with the title of it. It just reflected what I was feeling.

The Dark Side Of The Moon


Some people are living their dream,

Others are living their nightmare.

I'm somewhere in-between,

But closer to the dark side of the moon.

Chased that carrot around the track

Meant to motivate; can't be caught.

I chased that tease to hell and back,

While I starved, on the dark side of the moon.

The dark is colder than the light.

Feels like there's no one here but me.

My heart's burned out, from 'fight or flight'.

I'm worn out, by the dark side of the moon.

I've just 'survived' for so damn long.

I thought I'd, finally, get to live.

My dreams have died; my hope is gone,

From too long, on the dark side of the moon.

Death is dancing, all around me.

What a mocker, torment is.

I don't possess the needed key,

To escape from the dark side of the moon.

What's the answer? I don't have it.

But this will never feel like home.

My soul was not designed to fit

A life lived on the dark side of the moon.

My hope lies in God's Hands alone.

My feeble voice cries out, to Him,

Then turns into a woeful moan.

I'm stuck here, on the dark side of the moon.

- Deborah Gayle Robinson 

[NOTE: I do intend to share many more of my poems, here in my blog, at some point, but I have been extremely busy lately, so I just didn't have the time to do that this month, more than the one, above, that I shared. I have not forgotten.]

Needless to say, God's giving me this home was a really big deal, for me. A series of miracles, along with God's grace, made this possible for me! That fact, and the gratitude, I feel-- every day-- to Him, for this, great blessing, in my life, helps me to hang on through the, truly awful, ways I have been treated here at times. This home brings me such joy. When I had given up hope, God did this miracle for me.

It is just a shame that, in direct opposition to God doing this amazing thing in my life, Satan has continually done everything he can, often, through the 'Christians', here, to try to ruin it for me. If I did not have absolute trust in God I do not think that I could have, or would have, survived some of these things traumatizing me.

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When people tell you who they are, Maya Angelou famously advised, believe them. Just as importantly, however, when people try to tell you who you are, don't believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.                                                                                                                    - Maria Popova

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It is hard to know where to start to unravel these things that I will try to describe, that I have gone through in the years since I was led here by the Lord. Despite all these things, I still believe that God has a plan and a purpose for me moving here and I look forward to the revelation, and the fulfillment, of that, at some point. As I wait for that to happen, I 'trust in the Lord with all my heart, and do not lean on my own understanding. In all my ways, I acknowledge Him, and I believe that, in time, He will straighten things out', in ways that only He can, as scripture, directs me, to do, in Proverbs 3: 5 & 6. I have shown everyone that I've described in this post so much grace, but there are also times that I felt fury, at them, for trashing my reputation to make themselves look like they were better people than me and acting 'holier than thou', which is pure hypocrisy on their part. I don't wish any of them any harm, even though they have harmed me. God is the Judge of each one of us, so I leave it to Him to deal with them, including on my behalf, in His timing.

When I first came here, I was devastated to learn that my newly built home had a mold issue in it that actually caused me a, life threatening, allergic reaction within the first 24 hours that I moved into it. As hideous as it is, I am about to show you a photograph of me from that, frightening, first day, when my face contorted from the sudden swelling, and my throat began swelling up inside, threatening to block my airway. I had already gone to drop off the rental truck at the dealer so that my sister and brother-in-law could head home, after unloading it, all day. I had asked them to stay another night or two but they felt that they needed to leave because of other commitments. It was now late at night, and I was alone, in a place that I had never even set eyes on, before I moved here. I had bought the house online, and concluded the transaction by phone and by mail. I vetted the owner who was also the developer, and had my sister physically visit the community to see if it all aligned with what they said about it online. Everything was fine, except for Covid, creating supply chain issues, and parts shortages, which were affecting the build.

I was in a very tenuous situation with my landlord in Omaha who rightfully began to press me on when I was going to move, since I had to delay that several times after being contacted by the owner/developer here, to tell me that there was, yet another, delay. As weeks became months more, of waiting, surrounded by moving boxes that had been packed long ago, now, I felt depression settle over me due to my living in limbo so long. I explained to them that I was at risk of homelessness, again in my life, because the landlord was getting very impatient that I move, as I had told him, I would be doing that, a few times, at this point. Things were tense.

This is how I looked my first 24 - 48 hours living in this house. My throat was also swollen inside, which partially closed my airway. My lips were numb, and I couldn't drink from a cup or a glass. I could not speak properly because of the swelling both inside and out. It was definitely potentially life threatening.

For comparison, this is how I normally look, since moving here.

When the day finally came for me to move, I came out of the isolation I had lived in, in that apartment, to drive halfway across the country to my new home. I was, and am, terrified of Covid, because I am high risk for serious illness or death, in a few different ways. Besides the fear of a high medical bill, should I be hospitalized with it, there is the terror that I could end up intubated in the ICU, fighting for my life. Scenes of people going through that, on the news, increased my anxiety, and fear. I had to come out of complete isolation in that apartment to travel out in the open to get here, with there being NOWHERE IN THE WORLD that was Covid free or completely without risk for me. When I got here, I immediately went back into isolating myself, from Covid. It didn't help to calm me that I heard neighbors here saying they, currently, had Covid, and were not wearing masks. One of them, was in the ICU fighting for his life at one point. He finally recovered but that was scary.

 

I hate needles. Although I still endured them, to get the first two, Pfizer, vaccines, even those did not prevent me from catching Covid when two men who were anti-maskers were in my home briefly because I needed their help to stand up a huge, heavy, cabinet, I was in the process of building, for some needed extra storage. It had to be one of them that gave Covid to me because I was not around any other people. That was in June of 2022. I was sick 8 days, but I was able to stay home.

My next door neighbor raked all the leaves that fell from any trees, onto her yard, over into my yard, raking them into a huge pile, just behind my house, where she thought that I wouldn't see them. I stood at my window and watched her do it on at least two occasions, though. She and I will never be friends, because of all the ways, and times, she has shown me disrespect. The list is long, for this, from her.

I once moved a silly sign from my yard, that I knew, the clique members had put there,  after I first photographed its exact location, to document, beyond dispute, that it was, in fact, in my yard. I took several pictures of it from all angles, before I pulled it up, and removed it, taking it to the manager's office. It said something like, 'This is not a race track. Slow down', because, they had claimed people were speeding, through here (which, I never saw anyone do on this street, myself). No one asked me, before they did it, and I would have said no, because, I don't even have a car, so I am, clearly, not speeding through here, myself, and they placed it right beside, my, attractive, often complimented, address sign, in my yard, which, detracted from that. I had every right to remove it. It was catty, of them, to do it, in the first place. As I walked past, the bossy neighbor's house, on my street, she saw me with it, and started screaming at me. I was mad. I was fed up. I was sick of her shit, that she started, from DAY ONE, of my moving here! Who the hell did she think she was?! I had 'turned the other cheek', at that point, for a year and a half, with this bitch. I had passively put up with her cruel comments about me, as I simply walked past her house, on the way to take out trash, get my mail, or just go for a walk; just to do my best, to keep the peace. On THIS day, I was SICK OF THEIR SHIT-- this catty little clique, that surrounds me, on my street-- and, when she started screaming at me, that it was THEIR SIGN, and I could NOT MOVE IT, I raised my voice to MATCH HERS and shouted back at her, with, unleashed, fury in my voice, "If this is YOUR sign, then you should put it on YOUR lot! NOT MY LOT!" 

That was all I had to say about it. I had no desire to get into more of a screaming match, with her, or be forced into more of a scene than she had already caused. I dropped it off at the manager's office, who had already left for the day, and then I went home. She did not miss a chance to take yet another verbal snipe at me as I walked back by to go home. I was not there for very long before I suddenly heard voices outside, on my porch. Looking up, I saw two of the clique members, on MY porch! They knew, we were not friends, at all, and that they were not welcome, at my house, because of how extremely disrespectfully they had chosen to treat me, for a long time. That, did not deter them, though, from FULL ON, HARASSING ME, on this particular day. They began knocking, LOUD, and HARD, on my front door-- mostly on the glass window in the center of the door. I refused to answer, because it was crystal clear that they had come to my home to cause more of a scene with me, and they felt brave enough to do so by GANGING UP ON ME (as a third clique member was also hovering nearby and had been with them, both before and after this incident, that I am describing, now). Nothing good could come of my opening my door, to engage in anything, with these women, so I did not answer my door-- which, as a homeowner, is my absolute, legal, right to do in such a scary situation.

They did not leave, however, but KEPT ON KNOCKING LOUDLY, so I, finally, called 911, because I became increasingly concerned that, they were going to break the glass, and perhaps even, just come in, then, despite the fact that, I was not at all REQUIRED to OPEN MY DOOR, to these bullying bitches. Anyone, showing respect for me, would have knocked once, or maybe twice, politely, and if, I chose, not to answer my door, for any reason, they would have respected my right to do so and left. They were not there for any reason except to gang up on me, and harass me, and bully me because they fed off of each other's bitchy bravado. A clique is really just a gang; and they were ganging up on me. I did not want my house damaged by them, and I truly felt they were going to break the glass window in the door at any moment. They had no right, or reason, to treat me this way. The bossy clique leader had already screamed at me, for taking their silly sign to the office, so she knew, full well, that I DIDN'T HAVE IT, WITH ME, IN MY HOUSE. That is just more proof that they only wanted to, openly, disrespect me. I'd always chosen to show them grace, for the sake of the community, especially since I DO NOT LIKE THEM. But this was EXTREME MISTREATMENT OF ME FOR NO REASON and I WAS DONE.

I waited about 10 minutes before calling the cops, so the whole thing went on for about A HALF HOUR! It just demonstrated HOW MUCH they DISRESPECT ME that they didn't even ACCEPT or ALLOW that as a homeowner, I have EVERY RIGHT to REFUSE TO ANSWER MY DOOR-- ESPECIALLY, to people who CLEARLY HAVE EVIL INTENTIONS, TOWARD ME. I have NO DOUBT that this scene would have BLOWN UP EVEN MORE, if I had not been mature enough, and wise enough, to NOT OPEN THE DOOR TO THEM. Think of how much HATRED OF ME, someone would have to have, to CONTINUE almost breaking my door down, to get at me, when if anyone asked them what I have EVER ACTUALLY DONE to THEM they would REALLY HAVE NO REASON, to TREAT ME THIS WAY, AT ALL. They will never admit, that they are furious, with me, simply because I would not allow these OVERBEARING BITCHES to CONTROL ME. I don't like them because of how badly they have chosen to treat me. I am friendly to everyone, unless they give me a reason NOT to be, as THESE people have done-- MULTIPLE TIMES. Even so, I have not, ever, done anything, to them like they have done to me. I quietly go about my business, trying to live my own life with as much peace, and privacy, as possible. I don't bully anyone. I don't try to hurt anyone. I don't gang up on any person here. I, generally, choose, to be gentle with people unless I am being treated disrespectfully by them. Then I WILL stand up for myself, if need be. Especially if my showing them grace causes me to be more mistreated because many people seem to take it as a WEAKNESS, in me. I feel alot of fury at being wronged in any way, that I have chosen not to unleash. 

These are people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and even, 80s, in this clique, by the way. These are not, junior high school, kids. These are adults, who should know better.

There are alot of other things that I have been put through, here, but for my own reasons I have chosen to still keep some of them to myself, and some of it I have been too upset to talk about. Also, because I do choose to show grace to others, I have not spoken of some things because my not sharing it extends grace to those involved. I am, by far, one of the best human beings, here, though. I will say that. I just want you to know that, even though, I have spoken of some of it, here, I've been put through ALOT of other things also. Many, of which, are as bad, or worse, than what I have felt that I could tell you about here. There are reasons which are associated with my showing others grace, that prevent me from going into details about some situations. Just trust me, when I say that, it's been alot, and some of it is more serious, and sad, and scary, than the things that I have told you here. I am working hard on making my life here more of the blessing that God intended it to be, for me, and I am making progress with my goals, that will lead to me being healthier and happier. I am excited, about my future, here, and looking forward to whatever, God, has planned, for me. I trust God completely, and I take Him at His Word. Numbers 23:19, says that, "God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken and will He not make it good?" This is a 'God' thing, that He has done for me. One of my favorite Bible verses is Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you," says the LORD, "plans for peace, and well-being, and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Amplified Bible) It sounds good to me!

You Can't Change How You Really Feel . . .

. . . but those feelings may change.

We feel what we feel. Even if or when we try to change whatever that is, rise above whatever that is, deny whatever that is, repent of whatever that is, wish we didn't feel whatever that is, hate feeling whatever that is, feel sad, depressed, angry, or some other dark emotion, about whatever that is... and so forth.

Someone can browbeat you because of what you feel, even try to 'beat it out of you' in some way, including physically, such as when a parent spanks a child, or an abusive person strikes their partner. They try to punish you for feeling what you feel, to try to make you stop feeling whatever that is, for whatever reason they have for doing that. But, while they can make you sit down, on the outside, so to speak, by, outwardly, altering your behavior, because you want to avoid more of their punishment, you may still be standing up, on the inside, feeling whatever it is that you truly feel in your heart of hearts. This causes stress for the person who is simply feeling honest emotions, which they didn't create, and they can't control. Emotions that perhaps they are very unhappy about having, themselves; that they wish were not within them. Yet, they cannot just make those disappear, even when the feelings are painful, inconvenient, embarrassing, or unwanted-- by someone else, themselves, or both. Not even when they are made the target of retaliation, or public humiliation, judgement, and scorn, for whatever it is that they feel.

People lying to me is my main pet peeve. It causes me not to trust them, which causes me not to respect them, which destroys alot, or even all, of the positive feelings I may have had about that person. Lying about me is right up there, too, as something that I tend to loathe people for doing to me. There is no way to feel friendly toward anyone who defames my character and undermines my reputation, usually to try to make themselves look like a better person than they are, at my expense. The last person that I truly loved did, both, those things, to me, but I welcomed that, from him, inasmuch as I didn't want to love him in the first place, and I knew that it would go a long way in destroying the caring feelings that I had. It took a while, but that did finally happen, setting me free from the bondage of it.

I had already, always, been doing whatever I could, to get those feelings out of my heart. I didn't see them coming, I didn't want them in me, and I wanted it to stop, for my own sake. I had hated being in the throes of something that strong, that I couldn't control, despite my best efforts. I was dismayed, and daunted, by that. Even so, his doing those hurtful things to me was very effective in eating away at whatever good feelings I had toward him. That finally broke it, in me, as I ended up, not trusting him, not respecting him, not feeling any affection toward him, having no desire toward him, and generally wanting nothing to do with him, if I could possibly help it. So, I feel alot better now! I had felt like my mind had been hijacked, by those feelings, that had come out of nowhere, and then completely overwhelmed me. But my sanity has been restored to me, now, so I can think rationally again. It feels almost as if I have been freed from the pit of Hell itself.

Instead of the heat of passion, that used to grip me, when I thought of him, and, literally, nearly bring me to my knees, as my legs gave way from all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I now feel something like disdain, and a coolness toward him that would make brusque cordiality all I could muster toward him if I ever had to interact with him again in the future (which I am intent on continuing to avoid, all that I possibly can, because of how badly he treated me for feeling what I felt, in spite of my trying not to, and I never tried to force on him). I don't like him as a person, after seeing how many ways he chose to (often publicly) shame me, when I wasn't doing anything at all that warranted that from him. God as my witness. 

I don't think that I hate him (although sometimes it feels like I do), despite his causing me to become so despondent, by how badly he treated me, when I was doing nothing at all to deserve to be treated that way, that at one point I truly didn't think that I would survive it. He continually treated me so disrespectfully, and almost always in front of an audience of other people. I became suicidal about it, briefly, but that is a dangerous place to find oneself emotionally, regardless of how quickly it passed, with the help of a friend, and by God's Grace. I think that it must simply be his male ego causing him to refuse to let go of believing that I still have those feelings for him, because I couldn't seem to convince him otherwise, despite telling him that plainly to his face. I think that's actually rather funny, and pathetic, that he really doesn't seem able to see himself through my eyes, to know my aversion toward him. What I see in him now, isn't very nice, for the most part.

 

What I see-- who I came to know him as-- is not someone that I would ever think highly enough of to want to be with, even if that were possible, which it isn't, anyway. I deserve way better than that type of person, and I have spent half my life choosing to do without a man because of that fact. I was very thrown by the feelings that I had toward him for awhile, because I wasn't able to control my emotions, as much as I wanted to, and tried. I struggled constantly, and mightily, to get rid of those feelings I had for him. I didn't make the warm feelings that I used to have toward him happen, and I didn't cause the cool feelings that I have toward him now to happen. How he treated me caused both those things in me. He acted, and I reacted. Cause and effect. Life happens and we feel what we feel.

Now I am immune to his calculating charm, because I see him for who he is, and who that is, is a man that I would never be able to trust again. Trust is a critical component of loving someone, for me. Even with friends, or family members. I used to consider him a friend. He destroyed that. He is such a jerk toward me that when I have simply smiled, to be polite, or been courteous, to be civil, he started ranting and raving at me-- almost always in front of some third party-- accusing me of still having feelings for him. He doesn't seem to notice that I continue to consciously avoid him, which I have actually done for a long time now. I just don't need his bullshit. He was disrespectful toward me even before all this happened.

It is offensive to me, especially because I am not doing anything toward him at all to be accused of anything like that. But, it also makes him seem really silly to me. After all, WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE, in being treated this way, by him? I truly think he just tries to keep this thing going for the sake of his own ego. Proverbs 28:1 says that "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." I think this describes him because, among alot of other things, he has lied to me, gossiped about me, caused people to openly judge me when they wouldn't have had any reason to, otherwise. He is a Christian. Jesus wouldn't do any of those things toward me.

                                                                                                      

He keeps acting like I am sinning toward him, while the whole time, in various ways, he is sinning toward me by biblical standards. Instead of thumping his Bible at me, he should read the verses that apply to his own sins. Hypocrite. He has openly condemned ME for FEELINGS I had, that I never tried to act on, but he seems to have no problem lying, or spreading gossip about me, which are sins that have had real consequences in my life, including damaging my relationships with other people who would otherwise have no other reason to treat me badly; but they have done that on his behalf to show their bias for and support of him. I once felt like he was my favorite person on the planet. I once considered him to be my best friend. I believed that he was actually trying to help me with some serious things that I really needed someone's support for. I didn't want to have other feelings. They just happened, when I wasn't expecting them to happen at all, which really threw me. But my reaction to that happening was always to try to stop it. I never tried to act on those feelings toward him. I didn't try to hurt him.

 

Now I feel much happier, having nothing at all to do with him-- not interacting with him, or having to endure more unprompted and undeserved accusations from him, when I know that I am merely being polite to him in the most basic of ways during any interactions. His doing that, to me, so many times, especially, when I did not deserve it, finally made me feel so frustrated that I lost my temper about it, and said "Fuck you!" to his face. I had just had it with his bullshit. Since then, my only goal regarding him has been to avoid him if at all possible which I continue doing. 

I am enjoying my private life now, and he has nothing to do with that. He is not welcome in that anymore. I am much happier now without him anywhere around me! If I was simply smiling (to be congenial, rather than hostile), he accused me of having feelings for him, that he had already destroyed in me, by mistreating me, so much. If I acted happy, or joyful, for reasons that had nothing to do with him, he glared at me suspiciously, as if my vivacious personality (that is 'me', when I am simply enjoying my life, in general) was some 'come on' toward him. If I had a conversation with him about things that were not remotely personal, he went off on me that it was really about him. It was so frustrating trying to deal with him, and he took it to the point of such ridiculousness, that I finally lost my temper. I had always felt very angry about that, but I finally just quit holding my tongue about it for the sake of trying to at least remain on pleasant terms with him when I needed to talk to him about non-personal things that were important. 

To make it even more maddening than it was, I had actually been actively avoiding him, for a lengthy amount of time, but even so, several times, he saw me walking past, on my way to go somewhere, or to speak with someone else, etc., and he would call out to me (which I tried to ignore, if I were far enough away from him to seem to not hear him), when I was living my life and minding my own business. He also came up to me, to interject himself into my conversations with someone else, or to show me something personal on his phone that he thought would interest me, and such, when I was not even talking to him, nor trying to talk to him. I would have preferred not to, truth be told, as interacting with him was rarely if ever enjoyable for me. I often found him to be very irritating and annoying, from the very beginning, which is one of the biggest reasons why I was shocked when I did develop a crush on him, for a short time, that felt pretty intense in me, for awhile. Nevertheless, I chose to respond politely, when he did these things, while he continually accused me of having ulterior motives related to some strong feeling for him (that I had already told him, clearly, no longer existed in me), whenever I needed to converse with him-- with someone else present!-- that was in no way personal, or affectionate toward him. It was so unfair. Because I was not doing anything to deserve to be continually accused of feelings for him that I did not have, for a long time now, I realized he kept it going for some selfish reason, at my expense, but I have never been sure of what his agenda actually is, for his doing that to me. He almost always seemed to do it in front of others, apparently to discredit me, for whatever his reason. Perhaps just for his ego.

People often make this mistake with me, then wonder why I change toward them.

I held my temper, and my tongue, about it, far, far, far, longer than I should have, but when I finally lost my temper at him about it, he acted like the victim, then, too, and blamed me, as if he didn't have that coming, for how badly, and unfairly, he had been treating me, for so long. Personally, I think he is a chauvinist, and a misogynist, at heart. I also began to notice, whenever I would read things about narcissists online, that he almost always matched what that was describing. That was the scariest realization of all, because a narcissist will intentionally set out to destroy a person, their self-esteem, their life, and their happiness, out of whatever egotistical reasons, that they convince themselves, due to their own deep-seated insecurities, that they are entitled to do that, to their target. He seemed to enjoy subjecting me to his unfair accusations, and he did so often with a smirk on his face, like it was some fun game to him that he was really enjoying at my expense.

 

But I just gave it all to God, who knows the full truth about everything, and have done my best to go on with my own life, which he is not directly a part of. That's another reason I want to find my 'Mr. Right', finally. With, that, man, in my life, I couldn't keep being accused of things, anymore, that I am not feeling, or doing.

 

Even so, precisely because feelings are complicated, this man, that has been doing all this to me, is one of only a couple of people who have affected me so deeply that they have actually changed who I am as a person, forever, in both good ways (believe it or not) and bad ways. The other one of those people was my second husband, Jim. For better, and for worse, it is what it is; or, was. I am glad to be past those romantic emotions, toward both those men, so my heart is fully open to embrace a future with a man that hopefully will not mistreat me, as these two men did, each in their own way. If I don't ever meet such a man-- one that I deserve, that will treat me well-- I will continue to do without, rather than settle for less. My head thinks alot more clearly with all the butterflies gone from my gut, and I know that I would not want either one of these two men, that I loved the most in my life, so far, to be with me, because they would not make me happy. I don't want the type of life that they live, either. It is just not my scene. I prefer alot of alone time, as an introvert. People, in general, are a huge drain, to me. They both like having alot of people around them. I'm very private. I also could never trust either one of those two men again. Without trust, and respect, there can be no love, of any kind, including friendship. I choose to appreciate the good things that they brought into my life, and I try to let go of the bad things; and put it all behind me.

I should have continued trusting my gut, because it's a very good judge of people. Had I done that I could have avoided the whole situation with the accuser. My very first impressions of him were that, he was a chauvinist, had a very condescending streak in him that seemed to come from him being full of himself; that, because of that, or some other reason, he, definitely, didn't respect me; that he did not want to bother to do the right thing by me, if he could possibly avoid it, when I needed his help; that he was very manipulative; not a truthful person; and, at times, was even rather stupid. When my feelings did change toward him, in spite of all these things, it was partly because he began to behave very differently toward me, and he has a powerful, practiced, charm, that he used to weave his spell on me. Even so it was primarily a physical attraction to his manliness, for me. l'm also a sucker (clearly) for anyone who makes me laugh-- which, he managed to do, quite often.

I was excited to see myself start falling in love with David-- the man I met online, not long ago, on a singles' dating website. I was so hopeful that he was 'the one'! We talked about anything and everything, we made one another laugh, we were sexually turned on by one another. It was a mutual attraction that seemed to be blossoming into real love. I was brokenhearted, when it fell apart, with him, just before we were finally going to meet in person, because I found out that he was doing 'the typical man thing' of telling me some things that he wasn't really honest about, in order to 'get lucky' with me. I was shocked, because I had always been completely honest with him about everything, and thought he was doing the same. I was also hurt, and angry, about it. I had told him how important respecting me, and being honest with me, was, to me, and that if a man didn't do those things toward me it was a deal breaker. There would be no romantic relationship. David had given me his phone number, just before this happened that it fell apart with us, because we were actually making the plans for him to come stay with me that upcoming weekend. I never called him, though, after that, even though I have missed him and thought of him so often, ever since then. I can't seem to forget about David. Sometimes, I am tempted to call him. But then, I don't, because I told him clearly how imperative it was that he respect me and be honest with me, and he missed the mark, with those things. I have to stay strong, and let it go. 

I have high standards for any man that I would ever be willing to give my heart to. I am more casual with my body, meaning that I would have sex with a man, that I was attracted to, and had a strong chemistry with, even if I was not in love with him. That was not the case, years ago, when I had convinced myself, due to my religious upbringing, that I had to be in love-- or at least have the intent to get married to the man-- to have sex with them. That stern and stuffy puritanical morality imposed its suffocating straitjacket on my personal fulfillment, and led to my having several divorces. It was male-patriarchy-created-religiosity, largely to get, and control, women, rearing its ugly head, to get women to compromise what we really want and need, in order to have a man in our lives and our bed, and it caused me alot of grief, in the past, when I tried to abide by it, because I ended up with the short end of that deal; every time. That is why I say in my singles' site profiles that I have no interest in being married again. Ever. I was very attracted to David (still am; sigh!) and was already starting to fall in love with him. So, we very likely would have had sex had he come here to meet me the weekend that it all fell apart. I haven't been able to get David, or that fact, out of my mind. I just keep consoling myself that I found out just in time to avoid another heartbreak. It would never work out, between me and any man that does not respect me; which includes, being honest with me, and treating me well, among other things. I knew I was far too attracted to David to resist going back into it with him, if he tried to get with me, after it fell apart, so I deleted my profile on that website. I still have my other profile, on another singles' dating website, and in my Inbox, just today, there were four, new, men, messaging me. One even looks somewhat promising! 

I am really picky because I know what I am worth, so it's really hard for me to find someone that I want to be with. I am encouraged, by finding-- two!-- good guys, from this online search, for love and sex, already, though, in Joe and David, even though those didn't work out, when it came to meeting one another. Joe was just plain hot. He pushed EVERY button with me, as far as being a total sexual turn-on. But, David had more depth to him, and he was attractive, which is why he was the one of the two I started falling for. Maybe, 'the third time's the charm' with this singles' site search! I am very hopeful, optimistic, and excited, about my future prospects for finding the romantic fulfillment that I have never, really, found, in my life. The closest I ever came was with my second husband, Jim, but he still fell far short of someone that I would be willing to spend my life with. So, I divorced him (even though he was great in bed). Regardless of whether I ever find my 'Mr. Right' or not, true feelings-- whatever they are-- JUST ARE. I can't MAKE myself feel love for someone, or stop feeling love for them. It'll either happen, or it won't.

We cannot control what we feel. I don't think that any of us decide, in our heads, what we will feel, about people, or places, etc. Our emotions reflect our honest reaction to how we experience people, places, and things, that come through our lives. I still feel like I am partly in love with David, even though I won't call him, because he lied to me, and I hate that, because it ruins relationships for me when I can't trust someone. I love the beach, but I have friends that don't like it at all. I hate pasta, while it seems that most people love it. I did not plan to hate pasta, or try to hate pasta. I just feel a genuine dislike for pasta. When we encounter people or experience things, our feelings-- whatever those are-- just naturally occur in us, as a consequence of how that affected us. I hope I get to experience mutual love!

How can I deeply love someone, whom I later feel nothing at all for, but wariness, distrust, and resentment? The answer to that question seems to me to be that we only know other people in the way(s) that they choose to reveal themselves to us, by how they behave, which triggers emotions in us that we can't control, one way or the other. Those feelings are just our natural reaction to what the other person decides to show us about who they are. That emotional reaction that we have, to how we perceive them, is subject to change if and when what they show us about themselves changes. If we believe someone is being truthful with us, and later we discover that they lied to us, it profoundly affects how we feel toward that person.

I have been fooled, and betrayed, by people, that I truly cared about, causing me to be 'once bitten, twice shy' in regard to them going forward (compound that, for multiple 'bites', from some of them, including friends that I gave my full trust to-- which was a huge compliment to them-- only to realize that my doing so was a big mistake). I am to the point, now, that I really wonder, is anyone, or anything, ever really, who, or what, we think they are? It amazes me, that we can go from loving someone, even more than any other person on the planet that we've ever known, and then find ourselves wondering if we ever, really, knew them, at all. Even more than that, it's like they've become some kind of stranger to us, now, that we don't know, and that we don't think, now, that we even want to know. Feelings changed.