A Note To My Readers

For those of you who have been checking to see if my next blog post is here yet, I want to let you know that I am planning to post it on Wednesday, November 23rd, which is 2 weeks from today. There are several things people wrote to me over the years that I came across while sorting old papers and photographs that I'll include in that post, so it will take awhile, for me to do that, as some of them are lengthy. In the meantime, colder weather is on the way, and I am still trying to get through my big sorting project, that has been constantly derailed, the last couple of weeks, due to aspects of my current life, having to, finally, be dealt with, to some degree.

Still Sorting Through Mementos I've Saved

I am still sorting through alot of old papers and photographs, and some interesting items have been discovered in that endeavor, that I plan to share in my November blog post. Many of them I did not even realize that I had saved, over the years, at all, and others, I knew I had, but did not know where they were, until now. I have to finish sorting one last container, and then I can start the process of transcribing their texts into the post for next month and downloading some photographs that I will share. There will be much more variety than there was in these October posts.

I've felt emotionally taxed, as I have looked at and read through these things that are from my past. This time, I'll be sharing some things that people wrote, to me, more than things that I have written, although, there will be more of those, too. I have lived through so much in my life. It feels as if I've lived several different life-times, in this one. I'm REALLY TIRED, at this point. One thing that really surprised me was how many love letters I have gotten from various men who made emotive declarations toward me, and yet I honestly cannot even recall who several of them were. I think quite a few of them were club customers enamored with 'Stevie', my stage persona when I was a dancer. I was surprised to come across cards and love letters from my second husband, Jim, that I do not recall ever getting, from him! I find that both puzzling and sad. Something, about the realities of that relationship, obviously, overshadowed, my taking those to heart. I really do not know what that would have been, though. I loved him, much more than any man I have ever been involved with; even referring to Jim as 'the one man that I will love forever', in the blog posts that I have written about him. But, I also recall that, I didn't want to be married to him, in the way that it happened, because I felt like, the only reason he married me was because I turned up pregnant unexpectedly, and that colored how I saw everything about that marriage. I didn't FEEL loved. I didn't FEEL wanted. In fact, I also came across the court ordered paternity testing that he put me through when I started the divorce, which was both horrible and humiliating for me, since I am actually extremely monogamous by nature, and had deeply loved-- only-- him.

There are some things I came across which were written to me, about transferring the custody of my son when he was so young. I will put this in the November post also. It will unintentionally coincide with his November birthday. Jay will be 41, on November 15, 2022. It is raining, right now, as I type this. I've always said that it seems like tears from Heaven. I've been honest in my blog posts, and now I have also found hardcopy documentation, that backs up alot of what I've written about.

I'm sorting through saved mementos again

Before I moved from my old apartment, in Omaha, Nebraska, I sorted through all of the memorabilia that was in three old footlockers that I had. I didn't do a good job of getting rid of alot of those things from my past although I tossed some out. I allowed myself to be impractical about that chore and overly sentimental toward too many things, that I then lugged along with me to my new place, which I have no room for here. After over a year living here I am finally facing this task, again, simply because I have no choice. It has to be done and without nearly as much of my past 'sentimental attachment' to these things. For lack of storage space alone, I must throw out twelve times what I end up keeping! That's how challenging this chore is. I started working on it, today, and was proud of myself, for getting rid of much more than I kept; from the first stack. Hopefully, I can, and will, do at least as well, on the rest of the sorting of this, accumulated, documentation that I have indeed lived on this earth, for over 66 years now, and have, so far, lived to tell the tale. I decided to write this blog post, to share some of my finds, with my readers. One thing's for sure. There's ample evidence that I've been a writer my whole life.

Based on my scrawl, this was written by me, in January 1967. I would have been 11. I was fascinated to see what thoughts were in my head at that age, and even earlier.

If the sun came out at night-

and the moon came out at day-

then to set things right,

I'd pray and pray.

That one, and the following poem that I wrote, were on old, yellowed, pages, of notebook paper, carefully printed by me in pencil. Clearly, I am just very verbal.

Dandelion

There was a pretty dandelion

with lovely, yellow, hair,

that glistened in the sunshine

and in the summer air.

But oh! This pretty dandelion

soon grew old and grey;

and, sad to tell, her lovely hair

blew many miles away.

Starting School At The Age Of 6 (written at some point when I was an older child)

My aunt, Gladys Workman, took  me  to  South Elementary School in Mebane. My mom couldn't take me because she is a teacher and taught her class that day.  At first I was disappointed, but Aunt Gladys was very nice to me (she always will be, and is), so, I  soon  found  myself, at  school, coloring, and, copying letters of the alphabet.

The days after that meant hard work, studying, homework, and an early bedtime. Also, I had to get a notebook, pencils, and school clothes. 

I was timid and shy the first month of school, but I settled down after a while. The work was easy- really!! At least I thought it would be hard. But, I got used to it as it got harder.

My first grade teacher is Mrs. Yoder.

Now there is 4 children in my family because in November, on the 19, my little sister, Pam, was born. She was playful and cute when she was little! But, when she grew- Help!! She was whiny and fussy!

*         *         *         *         *         *

I found a photograph of me dressed as a harem girl, for a Halloween party, at the Offutt Air Force Base NCO club. It had a face veil also, but I had removed that for the picture. I still have that costume. A note on the back of the photo says it was "Halloween 1987", so I would have been 31 years old at the time. I was a natural brunette. I still have the costume in a box with many of my old dancer costumes.

The photograph below was one of my high school graduation pictures. I was 18. I was dreamy-eyed, naive, vulnerable, and hopeful for the future. I had been in the Chess Club in high school and was a studious bookworm. I was not a party person at all. When I look at the innocence, and purity, and sweetness, on my face in this photo, I feel so sad for that girl. I am not that girl, anymore. Too much happened.

I came across this old poem that I wrote for an Air Force Major that I met at church. He led the adult Sunday school class, and we became friends. His wife, had left him, and their two, teen-age, children, before I ever even attended that church or met him. He was still legally married  though, so we struggled with the feelings we developed for one another, because, for both, of us, our love for, and relationship with, the Lord was our highest, personal, priority. Sometimes the feelings were overwhelming, but I managed to remain friends with him, and nothing more; and because I had once asked his children if they wanted their family reunited, and they did, I helped him work through his feelings about his wife leaving him, and helped him to realize his part, in that happening. I left a cassette tape for him about how to heal a broken marriage. We never became romantically involved physically, and his wife did eventually return to her family. I withdrew, from the situation, before that even happened, after I had done all I knew, to do, to help him work through it, to the point that, his heart was open, to her, again. I knew that it was the best thing for that family. I loved him, as a very dear friend, but nothing more, because my relationship with God has always been the foundation for my life on this earth, and I know that  I will never be happy with anyone that is NOT GOD'S WILL for ME. His Will, is ALL that I want!

My Christmas Prayer For You, 1992

I had you on my mind, as I said my prayers,
as Christmas Eve turned into Christmas Day.
I gave it all to God-- all that's in my heart!--
Now, I'll share with you the things I had to say:

Lord, I lift this man to You--
A new and precious friend
Who's come into my life
for something toward Your end.

Help me just to trust in You--
Your best is all I need!--
and let my heart feel nothing
of which You are not the seed.

I don't want to hurt You, Lord,
by anything I do.
Despite my human frailties, Lord,
You know how I love You!

I've seen his love for you, as well.
A blessing to behold!
A man whose mind is stayed on You;
he's not lukewarm or cold.

I lift up his situation.
Reveal Heaven's answers, Lord!
Undo all of Satan's evil works.
Break those bondage cords.

There are some times my heart goes out
to him in risky ways . . . . 
And I sigh to think of all the
lack of love throughout my days . . . .

Two wrongs don't make a right, though, Lord,
so there's nothing we can do
but hold Your Word within our hearts
and keep our eyes on You!

Forgive me for the fantasies;
forgive me for the flesh;
forgive the things in me that want to force
what You alone can mesh.

Satan knows my hunger
and he will send 'junk food',
for nothing good will come to me
unless it comes from You!

So, if it does, and when it does,
Lord, I will know You've heard
the whispered prayers, and seen the tears;
and manifest Your Word.

                                           - Deborah Robinson
                                             Christmas Day 1992

P.S. Nothing is a bargain AT ANY PRICE if it's not God's Will, and also what you REALLY want.

MY  HAIKU: 

The sun sizzles, melts, and drips bronzed warmth onto the earth; then evening comes.

Thoughts . . .

I'm stuck in the sadness, trying to shake free. At the moment, it's getting the better of me.

I'm not gonna lie; it's hard watching dreams die.

11th Hour

It's the eleventh hour. All our bridges are burned. Can't go back where we were. There's no way to return. Why'd we end up like this? I don't really know. But I've always heard that we reap what we sow.

Lord, did You give us this life to be happy? Or, just to be pawns in a game? Why do You let the devil devour, when the buck stops with You, and Your Name?

"Sit down and shut up!" "Stand up and speak out!" Do you need somebody else's permission, to be what you're all about?

I wrote this poem on May 6, 2000 . . .

Looking Back

I'm afraid to ask you

if you feel what I feel,

'cause what if you don't;

you say, "It can't be real",

like you did once before,

about three years ago,

when I told you I cared

so you told me to go?

Then how will I ever

know the real reason why

you go out of your way

to look into my eyes,

though you don't say a word,

and you don't ever smile?

Are you feeling it, too?

Or, are games just your style?

Did you figure out that

I get weak in my knees

when your eyes meet with mine?

Do you just like to tease?

Is my heartache a game,

that you score high points for,

so you hurt me to "win"

like it's some kind of war?

We could talk this all out

if we weren't so afraid;

and that isn't just from

the mistakes we've both made.

There's something between us,

though denied, it's endured,

that all our attempts

have simply not cured.

Live the life that you want--

Live the life that you have--

I don't feel what I feel

to change that, or be bad!

If I could I would stop

all my feelings for you.

I've tried and I've tried;

what more can I do?

Just don't try to convince me

you don't feel it, too,

when you're looking at me,

and I look back at you.

More Thoughts . . . 

Life doesn't just happen-- it happens to us-- and it leaves its marks on us, whether we like it or not, or admit it or not . . . .

No one is totally good . . . or all bad.

I have a truly broken heart, and no one can fix that-- except God.

. . . and, I'm still waiting . . . 

but I've almost given up hope.

 

Just a couple of my poems, from the heart

I wrote the first one on September 30, 2022, after realizing that I can't find any hope in me, at this point. I will need a miracle from God, to not just give up on everything. That, is a, really scary, place to be. But, I've been through so much, and I'm tired, now. If there is any hope, at all, in my situation, it's my knowing that God has never failed me, and although, I am really 'war weary', right now, and the never-fulfilled Desire Of My Heart, truly, seems to be impossible, He's still, a loving, miracle-working, God. Because of THAT-- because of HIM-- I'm going to make it through, all, the trials and tribulations, I'm dealing with, now.

scene from a Hallmark movie

I was watching a HALLMARK movie.

While sitting there, I sighed.

"I have NO hope left," I whispered,

and then I began to cry.


I came across this next one while working on organizing my upstairs, which I've been, 'whittling away' at, off and on, for months, now. Now that, the weather, is cooler, I can be up there, alot, more, without, it being so, oppressively, hot, and stuffy. Hopefully, it will be done, soon, and that will be one less TO DO project, from my long list of such things. It is, slowly, transforming into a livable space.

I was raised being a 'TK'-- a teacher's kid-- until I was a freshman in high school. That, was when, we had to move away to another town, after my mother got her Master's Degree and was hired as an Instructional Supervisor for Hickory (N.C.) City Schools. I, had to go back to middle school, there, when we moved, because that was where the ninth grade was there. It was also in the middle of the school year, which made it both very hard to leave old friends that I had grown up with my whole life in Mebane (N.C.) and difficult to make new friends when alliances had already been formed. I, was,' the new kid'; the outsider, coming into that. It wasn't an easy adjustment at all, especially at that age. I have written poems my whole life-- ever since, I was about, the age of 8-- and I wrote the following one, the summer of my first year living there at the end of my ninth grade year. I was 15 years old, when I wrote this. My mother liked it, so much, that, she framed it, which, it still is, and hung it on the wall of her office in the Hickory City Schools Administration Building, until she retired. It was returned to me, after she died.

Only God Knows

Where the clouds seem to open to heaven,

In the midst of a pink-tinted sky,

I wonder if I'm really living,

And how it will be to die.

I look at the people around me

As they go on their way,

Living their separate lifetimes;

Living each present day.

Then I look at myself and I wonder

Just what I'll grow up to be;

It's so hard to know when you're young;

What will become of me?

Will I be happy and prosperous?

Will I have many friends and few foes?

I wonder, and yet, I always will,

For it's only God that knows.

                                        - Deborah G[ayle] Robinson

                                           July 31, 1971

Sometimes, Even Smart People Are Stupid

This is a cautionary tale, for others, as well, to stick to your boundaries. I didn't, when mine were tested, and this happened to me because of my not doing that.

Richard EveryWriter @realeverywriter

I'll be honest, today, . . .

i’m writing to save my own life . . .

to find the answers

i already know

but don’t believe. 

i don’t want to die

without facing my truths.

I've had to (try to) process 'a whole shitload' of, very strong, emotions, in the last year, that I never thought I would even have to contend with at all at this point in my life; including shock, shame, and despair. I also realized that letting my guard down, and trusting someone, again, meant my becoming, the butt of a joke, and, the target of all the gossip, for being stupid enough to think they cared about me. I admit defeat. They devastated me. I got played, and worse than that, I have NO ONE to BLAME but MYSELF. EVERY TIME I have EVER trusted ANYONE in my life, I have REGRETTED IT. I had learned my lesson, well, and my head was on straight, about not letting people get too close to me. I was indomitable this way. Immune. No one, had been allowed to get inside my head, or, worst of all, inside my tender heart, which I fiercely protected from being shattered anymore after all the times that it has been. There are so many reasons that I should have known better, and done better. All I know is that when my heart got hijacked by some overwhelming and overpowering feelings I was no longer in the driver's seat. I was as drunk on, and reeling from, what I was feeling, as I have ever been by anything, or anyone. Ever. As hard, as it is to do, now, however, in the aftermath, of that fiasco, I have actually welcomed my being forced (admittedly against my will) to walk through a valley of humiliation, from this situation; as surprising as that might sound. Doing so drives the point home to me, in an excruciatingly, unforgettable, way, that this was something that can never be, and will never be. It was quite obviously (now) just some dream, or fantasy, that had started to seem far too real, for me, which could only and would only look like a living nightmare in the harsh realities of the clear light of day, with my eyes fully open, and focused, on the facts, as they are.

I'm much more of a realist about life's adversities and sorrows. If it took my being burned this badly to cause me to want to steer clear of this consuming flame then so be it! I had already tried everything, I knew to do, to stop it from happening in the first place, and when the other person did not help me, with that, but doubled down on the very behaviors which were causing me to feel like I did, I fell in love, because of the signal that sent to me. I felt so angry, and violated, because I was trapped in strong and sticky emotions then that I knew I shouldn't be having, and I couldn't get free of them. I tried everything I could think of to get over it; to get past it. It even drove me to drink, despite, my being, extremely, health conscious.

I'd gone the last 25 years only having a couple of beers, in all that time. I started drinking wine by the bottle. I didn't even bother with a glass. Just 'bottoms up' to my lips, drinking it down, as fast, as I could, after eating a few saltine crackers in an effort to keep from throwing up. I was trying to numb the pain. I was trying to dull my pure panic, that this had happened to me. You know, that feeling you get, when, one moment, you were, perfectly healthy, and strong, and the next minute, you become aware that, you are coming down with something, like the flu, that is making you debilitated, and dizzy, and disoriented, and NOTHING you can do, will stop it? That, is what this felt like, to me. It was just as unwelcome. It was just as unwanted. Feeling, those things, for this person, wasn't going to do me any good, and I hated having it in me, to have to deal with, 24/7, once it hit me and bowled me over. I was trying my best to honor the realities involved, while sliding down a slippery slope, of attraction and desire. Of course it had to end in a crash landing. There was never any other possible outcome for the obviously-one-sided feelings.

I've had some success with drinking wine, to give me the giggles and temporarily take away the sadness and stress that I feel when life is fully frustrating me, with its tendency to be both complicated and contrary. That is, before, I have to begin nursing the inevitable effects of a hangover, and assessing, fallout from, anything that I recall doing which may be under the heading of 'regrettable deeds'. I'm not endorsing any form of escapism as being the way to live life on a daily basis. But, for me, there is a certain level of 'bullcrap overload' that leads to a much-needed, drunken binge, to help me destress, from that, and to regain my lost perspective.

When I began writing this post (over the course of several weeks time, as I could find words to articulate it), I was struggling to recover, from both humiliation and  a hangover-- neither of which are painless or easy to get rid of. It was comforting to Google 'How do I recover from humiliation?' and see many websites appear, to offer advice, and observations, which have helped me, to get back on the road to recovery, right away. It was difficult, and daunting, at first, to be sure, but I have come to terms with it all, much more quickly, now, than I did at times in the past. Sadly, part of that is simply because I have had so much practice at my having to find some way to survive after people have broken my heart, during the course of my life. I am exposing my tender underbelly, so to speak, by talking about it now rather than, covering up, the fact that I messed up, and my messing up messed me up. I got there, with help, from others, messing up, as well, but, at the end of the day, I can only give my own testimony, and answer for my own sins. Whether  I like it or not, I am called to live my life by scriptures such as James 5:16, which says that we are to confess our sins to one another. But people are quick to judge others. We human beings almost always ascribe more weight toward, and disdain for, others' sins, compared to our own. People also have their loyalties and biases which affect how they react both for and against other people. A father who takes a dim view of a man whose behavior negatively impacted his daughter's life, may be the very same man who, scorns, and scolds, a woman for her holding his close friend accountable, for damage done, to her life, by playing games with her heart. Human beings are such emotional creatures that, thoughts, and actions, whether, on our own behalf, or a loved one's of ours, often have very little to do with either objective or impartial decisions on matters involving these relationships. It makes it more of, a loyalty test, than a truly, righteous, judgement, because of that bias.

                                                

                                          . . . or their loved ones.

When I've gotten stuck in social quicksand and started sinking to the point where it began to feel like it could be the death of me, it's been because, I have allowed someone to convince, or entice, me to stray from my own values. You would think that hard-won lessons about living would be grasped firmly and held onto for dear life. After all, we often carry the emotional scars of our lifelong learning to remind us that, what hasn't killed us has made us stronger, and, hopefully, wiser. Hurt, is not something that we are keen to, ever, experience, again, if we can avoid doing so. Heartache can feel more searing than touching a hot stove burner, at least, to me, and there is no soothing balm to take the sting out of it. Probably, 99.99% of people go to great lengths to hide their humiliation, and I would normally do that, as well, but I have become increasingly aware that this situation has been shared, through gossip that, apparently, came from someone, other than myself, who was directly involved, so it's already out there, casting me as both, the villain, and the fool. Gee. How fun, is that, for me? I don't even want to try to fathom the reason, that they would do that, to me. Especially, since, they have to know that they had a hand in this happening, in the first place, to be sure; and that, I was very angry with them, about the things, they did, to stir these feelings up, even more, in me, after I emailed them, and asked them, in writing, not to do that to me, because I realized that it was affecting me and I wanted to avoid this very thing taking hold of my heart. I had asked them for their help in preventing this from happening to me and they did the opposite of what I asked them. It became so obvious, due to that, and other ways, they treated me, that they do not respect me. That fact is a

blessing in disguise, actually, because, I have always been someone who needs to be respected, more than loved. In this case, I was neither, but, for me, disrespect is a relational deal breaker, helping me to sever the personal tie, that had evolved in my relationship with this person. I am grateful for anything that has helped me to destroy the emotions that had developed in me toward them. I did not want it!

I am not saying this out of bitterness but am simply stating the facts. I would not want this person even if that were possible, which it isn't and never will be. I saw plenty of Red Flags-- too many really-- that let me know that this person was not right for me. The main reason, being that, disrespecting, me, has, always, been a deal breaker, for me, and they, definitely, did not, respect me--  showing me that, through both, their words, and their actions, time and time and time again. When we were friends, it was the happiest phase of this relationship, to me, but there is no going back now, to that simpler situation. When we first met, he was rude and often unresponsive. I even felt sure that he was stupid, for awhile. So I had never expected that we could ever even become friends. As I look back on everything, I wonder now if we ever really were friends, or if he was just playing me, to control me, and to get on my good side, including so that I would stop complaining about how he was before. It worked. That friendship, as I saw it, was a source of alot of laughter for me, even though as amusing as he was he was also very annoying at times. I am equally annoying in my way, and very frustrating to deal with as well, though, in between my, also, being funny, and, enigmatically, charming, at times. So, in between all the banter and laughter we were mutually irritating quite often.

The day came that is was especially obvious and hurtful that he didn't respect me.

There was alot, that he did, that day, to directly interject himself into my personal life, when he knew, before, he did all that, that I had been drinking. It seemed to be, amusing, to him, but I was in that condition because I already felt humiliated, and completely stressed out, by him. When he exposed my vulnerability that way, that day, he brought someone else along, with him, that I didn't even know at all.
That, was one of the incidents, that so devastated me that I called the Crisis Line. The person that he brought with him, that didn't even know me, later called me a drunk, to my face, when I had only had 2 bottles of wine on 2 different occasions, and a few canned drinks at a neighbor's house one day, after going for 25 YEARS, without drinking more than a couple of beers, total. His treatment of me gave this person permission to-- also (like, him)-- disrespect me. It was, extremely, painful.
Around this time was when I realized, my biggest humiliation, came from the fact that I had actually thought he was my friend, and really cared about me, and was a decent guy. There was alot of other things, that showed me very clearly that he did not respect me, at all, but I am not going to go into them here. God, knows it.

You may be wondering why I would have ever considered this person to be a true friend, to me. I wonder that myself, now that our relationship with one another is over, and everything's been said and done, that has left it like this. But, it wasn't, always, this way-- at least, not, on the surface, when taken at face value. We had originally been antagonistic toward one another. For whatever his reason, he, was the one, of the two of us, that made a real effort to improve interactions between us. Especially because, he began to seem caring and supportive, and he made me laugh so often, and so easily, we came to be friends with one another. Or so I had thought. As time went on, the, veneer, on that, seemed to be, thinner, than, I had first believed. His 'caring', seemed to be more of a charm which was, intended, to control me. Instead of his seeming stupid anymore he just seemed 'slick'*, to me.

I noticed that he would always shut me down whenever I tried to express genuine distress about the situation with my being a target of the clique where I live and I kept wondering, why he didn't see, or acknowledge, that one of his closest friends was the main instigator of bullying me, since, he continued, to defend them; even at my expense. He told me that I should be friends with one of the women, that is associated with the clique, but never asked me, one single time, about my side of the situation, and what, these people, have put me through. He doesn't know any of that, to this day, therefore-- except for, my, finally, providing the proof, that his best buddy in the group was actually calling people over to her and literally telling them, NOT TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME. This woman is in her late 70s, and presents herself as a devout Christian to him. His friendship, with her, remains, unchanged, despite how she has treated me. So, his loyalties continued to lie with others, and was, never, really, there, for me, even during (what I had originally believed, was) our friendship. Someone, truly, caring about me, would not have felt comfortable, remaining, close, to such a perpetrator, that has caused so many problems, in my life, here, because of her meanness, and gossip. He's never even been curious, or concerned, enough, to ask me about any of the incidents with the clique members that caused an alienation to occur between us when I was friendly to them before.

Instead of telling me to be nice to them, when he has never asked me for my side of the story, he should have at least listened to how I have been treated by them, instead of shutting me down, before I can tell him any of it; and then, if he wants to play 'peacemaker', so much, he could have addressed their behavior, which has been the source of the breakdown in these relationships. There isn't one thing the people in this clique can truthfully claim that I did to them, but, they wronged me. I am not one to, continue in relationships with people who have treated me badly.

Why, should I do that, and open myself up to more of the same? TREAT ME WELL.

 

No one has ever made me laugh as easily, or as much, as him, though, which felt great frankly. I'm a sucker for a good laugh, so that gained him some real ground with me. Laughter opens up the heart, and that was his gateway into mine. From his influence, in my life, I learned to appreciate, and then, really, truly, like a new genre of music, that I had barely paid any attention to, before. It is, honestly, my favorite music to listen to now! I would have never believed that could happen, to me. I would have lost a money bet, on that not ever happening with me, for sure.
I will always care about him, as someone who became, very significant, in my life, for both good and bad reasons, whether or not, I ever should have; and I have no desire to hurt him, in any way. EVER. I wish him all the best. The bottom line is, I have only myself to blame. I started the superficial flirting, because it was fun, for me. Then, I couldn't get him to help me stop it, when it, suddenly, started to feel, too real, to me, and scared me. I got hurt and humiliated and that really is all my fault. This, is a cautionary tale, to anyone, reading this. DON'T PLAY WITH FIRE. I should have known better-- absolutely!-- and, I paid the price. I am so sorry, that any of it happened, and the saddest thing of all is it can't be undone. So, I extend grace, to him, because I am so in need of that, myself. I don't feel hatred or hard feelings. I just feel like I WAS REALLY STUPID, for a woman that is normally fairly intelligent. It hurt ALOT, that he disrespected me. But, the awful truth is, I taught him to. I cannot blame him for this; but it did take mistakes on both our parts for it to end up this way. We don't interact at all, anymore, and both think that's best.

Nothing significant ever happened between us thank God. I need to say that here.
I should also say that he did, finally, 'pull the plug' on it, but not way back when I asked him to, to prevent this, from happening, to me, in the first place. I do, fault him, for that. If he had done that, helped me with that, when I saw trouble ahead and asked him to help me to keep that from happening, instead of doing, more of, the very behaviors that, I was telling him, I was most susceptible to, this could all have been avoided, then, rather than, avoiding, one another, now, because, it did, happen. That's why I got so angry at him, about it. I asked him, not to encourage it, in me, but, he did, for whatever reason; and, he knows that. Maybe, it was just an ego trip, to see a woman's eyes shine that way when she looked at him, but he was not in a position, to be entitled, to that, from me, and I did not want to be, in a position, to provide that, extra boost, for him, and end up with nothing, to show for it, but being teased and heartbroken. This became a dark night of the soul, for me, so it is being addressed in this post, but I am not planning to expound on any of this or describe more, about it, in any future blog posts, that I might write. This post, provides a sufficient overview. All things considered, and that, covers alot of ground, with us, I know that, he has had a huge impact, on me, personally, and is one of those people that I will never forget. Even if I really wish that I could, now.

                                                                       
I did lose alot of respect for him, though, because of how he treated me, and how he handled this situation with me. He brought several other people into it to make himself look like he is just a totally innocent victim of it, when he absolutely needs to share the responsibility and the blame; and I'm the object of gossip because he did that. I have also had to endure these people putting me down, including to my face, while, he sat there, and tried to get me to say that he did not do anything to cause any of this-- which I refused to do for him, because that would be a lie, and he knows it; even if he won't admit it. I wasn't saying anything about it to anyone until, I finally told one person (my best friend), because, I had, no one, to turn to.

My friend, gave me his word, that he will not share, what I told him, with anyone.

@ML_Philosophy
Nobody notices your pain, but everyone notices your mistakes.

The whole community seems to know about it though, and that is, directly due to, how the man involved chose to handle it; in an, obviously, very disrespectful way, toward me. He, and his friends, have been the ones, that have spread this gossip. That is really disappointing to me, to put it mildly, because I had given him alot of credit, for being a, genuinely, nice guy, and he is also a Christian. When I realized how much damage they have done to my reputation, behind the scenes, as if that means, nothing, at all, to them, for the quality of my life, here, in this community,

by their, causing people, to view me differently, and decide, not to befriend me, in some cases, because of it, I felt really sad. I just can't imagine why they would do that. It's become crystal clear, that they have, however, and it is affecting my life.

Now, I can see why, he remains so close to the clique member that's gossiped the most, about me. It's because he has also been doing that. Even so, I stand on the fact that, God, brought me here. This is, His Will, and Plan, and His Word, always, stands true, including Romans 8:28, my favorite verse and the mantra for my life:

 

"And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose." [Amplified Bible]

I am just focused on going on with my life, and keeping my distance, at this point.
The humiliation has been very humbling for me, and I think that I have needed to learn a real lesson from all this. I also think, it wouldn't be wise to try to stand on that slippery slope, again, and believe, I can stay, firmly, on my feet, when, I slid, almost all the way down it, before. NOT. A. GOOD. IDEA. I didn't expect that at all when it happened, but now, I know, that it can; because it did. No one, was more shocked (and upset, about it!) than me, but it also, truly, terrified, me. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Just like, the car that gets hit by a train, on the tracks, and is totaled, I was blindsided. I cannot handle something like that! I do not know how to deal with it. It is crazymaking**, for me, because of that. I was miserable, and that made me so pissed off. It's no wonder it drove me to drink, when nothing, or no one, had, for 25 YEARS, prior to that! I was self-destructing, and I couldn't get a grip on my emotions, at all. It was horrible. I HATED IT. I am also left terrified it could happen to me again, now that I am back to being 'myself'. I hadn't thought that I would, ever, have to deal with something like that, at this point in my life. I was therefore not happy when I had to, because I didn't have a choice. It was too much for me. I am so much happier, being free, and independent. Not, controlled, by overpowering feelings. It also hurt like hell, to have someone mean so much to me and see, clearly, that I did not mean much to them. It had to be that way, too. There is more I have to say about it, in the following message to my blog readers.

A MESSAGE FROM ME TO MY READERS:

I now have readers in 60 countries around the world, and I am both amazed and humbled by that. Thank you, for sharing, my journey, through my true life story,  in this blog. It is my hope and prayer that your seeing me so openly describe my struggles and sins will assure you that you are not alone in your own challenges. The human experience is something that, we each get out of bed every day, and grapple with; with varied results for that effort. Some do better than others, and my struggle is real. I have not had the easiest time, with it, but I remain so very grateful to God that it's not been any worse. Every mercy and grace that He and others have shown to me have been the only reason that I have made it this far. 

The header of my blog, reprinted below, has been my promise to God, to myself and to my readers, that I would tell the truth in my posts to the very best of my ability, and I have done that. However, in recent months, I've been experiencing  a, very stressful, dilemma regarding, how, to write about, my, life, fully, when it involves people who are in my life right now in some way or other. Most of them know that I write a blog about my life and therefore they can potentially be in it, making them a part of my story which is being shared here with the world. I am not trying to 'gossip'. I am doing my best, to describe the effect of these people, and their sins, and shortcomings, on me, and my life, as well as, give an honest account of my own failings, and faults. I have written what there is to say about my past except that there's things I could expound on about my youngest sister. That just leaves me with what I have to say about the present. The difficulty I'm encountering, with that challenge, is that I am going into stress overload, trying  to process my thoughts and emotions in real time, without the opportunity to sit with the situation as it is for awhile, to see where the dust settles, before I make  a written pronouncement here as to how I'm feeling about whatever is going on,  in my life, at the moment. I can, capture that, fairly well, in a tweet, or post, on social media sites but to write a blog post in the in-depth way that characterizes my writing here, and seems to sum things up, with some conclusion, as I discuss or describe the subject matter, requires an achieved introspection from me that I can't always mentally muster when it is needed from me, so soon, to write these.

"I cannot make these stories from my life nice and neat or, rather, whitewashed and sweet, in order to make them more palatable, or easier to cope with, for anyone reading them. Whenever the truth gets watered-down, it stops being the truth! I have lived through all these things. It is my story. It is what it is. Our lives are greatly affected by the pervasive consequences of Original Sin, the sins of others, and our own sin, and we must acknowledge that."

As of this post, I have written 68 posts in the nearly 4 years that I have blogged. Most of them are lengthy, detailed, accounts, of whatever aspect of my life I was covering in each one, as I felt that I could deal with the particular subject matter.

Wise_Chimp @wise_chimp

Writing things down is the best way to clear your mind. Success demands clarity.

As a result of my trying my best to be completely honest about the actual events as they were, while also trying to 'be the bigger person', and heavily redact main incidents, or leave them out altogether, which could both clarify and substantiate  what I am talking about here, I now feel burdened, by my needing to write these posts, because I'm not including the meat of the matter on these current events. Especially when due to my decision to handle it this way, I am having to struggle mightily with that effort on a continual basis. This is proving to be so difficult and  draining for me that it is taxing my health in some really concerning ways, at this point. I am now frequently not feeling well, I am not sleeping well, and I seem to be stuck in a state of heightened anxiety, almost all of the time. Clearly, I cannot continue to do this to myself. This blog was begun in order for me to process the events of my life that had transpired, so that I could achieve some level of peace and healing in regard to them and their effect on me. Now the very act of writing these posts is perhaps the most toxic thing I am doing, to myself. It simply must stop. At least, for now, and for the foreseeable future. The joy of my tackling the challenge of writing-- especially, about such intimate subject matter, as the good, the bad, and the ugly, which is all a part of my life-- is completely missing for me now, in this endeavor. It has come very close to feeling like an exercise in futility.

Even though I'm only describing the people involved by general descriptions here, there is so much that I feel like I can't share, here and now, about them, that it is very hard for me to still feel that I can write coherent posts, anymore, with things as they are. I am straining, to do all that I feel like I can, to protect the person, at the heart of this post, even though, they really messed me up, emotionally, to the point that I had to call the Veterans Crisis Line, twice, and I also had to talk to my doctor on a few occasions, about the harmful effect of this, on my blood pressure, when it became elevated from this situation to a concerning degree and I couldn't get it to come back down. I have had to fight my way back, to feeling like, I am in my right and reasonable mind, again, after all of this got a grip on me and caused me to be, totally, turned away, from, my true north***. How, do I, fully, articulate something, about a person or circumstance here, when I'm leaving out all I can in these blog posts in order to avoid it being gossip? They have gossiped to, several, people, about me, regarding this very situation, which has caused others to show, open, disrespect, to me, or, at the very least, to see me in a bad light, since, they do not have, and would not, even care about, having, all, the facts, now that they have been, adversely, affected, by hearing, only one side, of the situation. I know firsthand that this person leaves out some really significant things about their part in all this, because they subjected me to a 'conversation' (verbal attack, on me) in which they tried at one point to get me to say they had no blame, and I sat silent, rather than lie about that for them; and by their own choosing they brought a few other people into that deeply distressing dialogue. They have to know God knows. When, our ultimate Judge, knows all of it, I am not willing to contradict that truth.

The only person that I did, finally, confide in about it is my best friend here, who has assured me that, he is trustworthy, with not sharing the things I've told him. The following Facebook Messenger post I sent to him recently, while I have been working on this blog post, speaks of my life improving so much, by this situation ending, and me going on with my life. I am much happier now this way, but I do realize that I also need to stop writing my blog posts, too, on a regular, required basis, as I have been doing, which is why I am writing this message to all of my readers. I have prayed about it, for some months now, and I don't feel like I am  to stop writing my blog altogether. I do-- desperately-- need to reclaim my time, and start doing alot more for my holistic health such as more exercise than I am getting by sitting here, writing, for hours and days and weeks, on end, for years. There is also a realization in me that, now that I have covered all of my past life, in large measure, by the posts that I have written over these past few years, the challenge now is for me to, actively, live my present-day life, more so than write about it. There is only so much sand, in the hour glass, of my numbered days on this earth, and I have been setting aside, fully living, my life, for years now, as I took all this time to sit here, at my computer, and write about it. My writing blog posts has not been a waste of time, because, through that, I received, alot more clarity about things, that I wrote about, which brought about more healing to my injured soul. In other ways, it has shown me, how many open wounds, there still are in my psyche, that I am not yet healed of. Two steps forward, one step back,  it feels like as I try to be my best possible self while simultaneously being such a damaged soul. As I often say summarily, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I am what I am. This relationship-- this friendship that got trampled to death by all the other feelings I found myself dealing with, in dismay-- which, this post, is about, was a source of much laughter and, frankly intermittent, support and I miss having those aspects in my life, because they made my world a happier and warmer place. It, also, left me feeling, angry, indignant, gossiped about, stressed, played, treated extremely disrespectfully, at times, and like I am actually better off without it, on the whole.

The Facebook Messenger post, to my best friend, about this relationship situation:

The helplessness of being in its grasp emotionally and the vulnerability of it being able to wreck you is truly terrifying though and I am SO GLAD to BE BACK to my SANE SELF after my bout of TEMPORARY INSANITY! LOL! I am SO MUCH HAPPIER when I am NOT in such clutches and can have RATIONAL THOUGHTS again. I've been SINGLE and CELIBATE for SEVERAL DECADES now for GOOD REASON-- I LIKE BEING SINGLE (I just don't like being CELIBATE-- but my vibrators are a WONDERFUL 'fix' for that problem!). Um Hmmm.

I am celibate, but I address my health holistically, and sexual function, is a part of that. In fact, because, I have been living celibate, for so long, I developed vaginal atrophy according to my doctor, and was told that I needed to insert something in my vagina for stimulating blood flow, to try to stop the progression of this-- which can become increasingly problematic if it is not dealt with. That is why I started to rely on vibrators, because, an actual partner, has not been an option, for me, and my health-- body, soul, and spirit-- is very important to me. I have found that it's also a great stress release, which is an added bonus! Because vibrators are a very necessary part of my life now due to the vaginal atrophy, and a routine part of my healthcare-- doctor's orders-- my best friend, who happens to be, a male, is used to me saying that word. He's heard me use it regularly (the word not the vibrator, LOL!)-- probably 50 times so far. The ONCE I said it to this other guy, when I was drunk, he hung up on me. I sit here, shaking my head, at that, because, he is the same guy that stood outside my bathroom window, one day,... and is a hypocrite. I saw that and God saw that, so his acting holier-than-thou doesn't cut it with me. I also, didn't, act all self-righteous, or gossip about him, or make trouble, about it. I am a Christian saved by grace, but I do not feign a personal holiness that I don't have, and would never do so with someone that has seen different behavior, from me, and knows who I am, aside from that facade. I told him one day it was CRAP.

Although I have always published my blog posts on a regular schedule, to make it easier for my readers to know when the next one was available to them, and also, have let you know if something came up which was delaying a post, giving a time that I thought it would be published, online, after that delay, I am not going to be able to do that anymore, going forward, at least, for awhile. I really, really, really, need, to-- totally-- change, my daily habits, and routine, to address all my health concerns, and hopefully connect with more of a sense of being well grounded and at peace, again. >sigh< I believe, it's become a matter of survival, for me, at this point, and possibly, even, a life-or-death decision, because of the terrible toll, this stress has taken, on me, especially, in recent months. I hope, you will forgive me, and indulge me, as I do this for myself, now. Whenever I do post something new, on my blog, I will post a notice about that on social media: Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I have an Instagram account, but don't really enjoy using that platform, at this juncture. I also need to spend alot less time on social media going forward. I have health programs that I have never viewed or engaged with, for learning Tai Chi, for developing my yoga poses, for doing more dance-ercise routines and even

some movies, which I purchased, years ago, but have never even seen (including, Fifty Shades Of Grey-- inspiration for fantasies, that are the necessary fuel for the vibrators to work!). I need to exercise more, including walk more. Sitting, so long,

as I do here while I am writing these lengthy blog posts, has caused me to have a pain in my hip, that I cannot allow, because it can progress, into causing me to be lame. I have a long list of projects that I need to do, on my home, and I also want to do more cooking, and baking, and sharing those things, with others, as I can. A vacation, would do me a world of good, as well. I haven't had one for many years.

@xirtempest Sometimes, the truth is so incredibly difficult to accept, it feels like it betrays you. It cuts so deeply into your perception of reality, your ego dies for a moment. Then you come back and realize your closest and dearest friend disguised as the enemy, actually saved your life.

I have tears in my eyes saying this but the inevitable rejection by my friend that I so deeply cared about left me feeling so damaged in my self-esteem, even though I know that, there was no other possible outcome, regardless, of the value I do or do not have as a human being, so in that sense I really should not take it as hard as I have, personally. Nevertheless, I need to do what I can to repair the damage to myself, which has manifested in several different forms as I have acted out my anger and pain that this even happened to me at all, when I didn't expect it and I wasn't wanting it. I can only work on me, and at this point, I feel that, I have alot of work to do, on me. In fact, that, alone, should, keep me quite busy, for awhile! So, thank you again, readers, for your presence in my life. For being companions, to me, as I walk the path that is unique to who and what and where I am in life. I promise I will keep you posted if I publish anything new on this blog of mine, and you are always welcome to check back, to see for yourself, as well. You may even get something out of reading past posts. There are now 68 posts, to choose from.

Christine @cmd8495 
It's not that you're afraid of love. It's the fear that everyone else is just like the last person who destroyed you.

- Deb Robinson

 

                                                           

* slick: a person who is smooth and persuasive but untrustworthy. 

** crazymaking: (Urban Dictionary definition) obsessive thoughts or overwhelming desire for something or someone, that causes a conflict struggle between meeting moral versus primitive needs/urges.

*** true north: "We’re talking about your own true north. That inner sense of what you want to accomplish in life. That calling keeps you on the right track, to being your authentic self." https://www.betterup.com/blog/find-your-true-north