You Can't Change How You Really Feel . . .

. . . but those feelings may change.

We feel what we feel. Even if or when we try to change whatever that is, rise above whatever that is, deny whatever that is, repent of whatever that is, wish we didn't feel whatever that is, hate feeling whatever that is, feel sad, depressed, angry, or some other dark emotion, about whatever that is... and so forth.

Someone can browbeat you because of what you feel, even try to 'beat it out of you' in some way, including physically, such as when a parent spanks a child, or an abusive person strikes their partner. They try to punish you for feeling what you feel, to try to make you stop feeling whatever that is, for whatever reason they have for doing that. But, while they can make you sit down, on the outside, so to speak, by, outwardly, altering your behavior, because you want to avoid more of their punishment, you may still be standing up, on the inside, feeling whatever it is that you truly feel in your heart of hearts. This causes stress for the person who is simply feeling honest emotions, which they didn't create, and they can't control. Emotions that perhaps they are very unhappy about having, themselves; that they wish were not within them. Yet, they cannot just make those disappear, even when the feelings are painful, inconvenient, embarrassing, or unwanted-- by someone else, themselves, or both. Not even when they are made the target of retaliation, or public humiliation, judgement, and scorn, for whatever it is that they feel.

People lying to me is my main pet peeve. It causes me not to trust them, which causes me not to respect them, which destroys alot, or even all, of the positive feelings I may have had about that person. Lying about me is right up there, too, as something that I tend to loathe people for doing to me. There is no way to feel friendly toward anyone who defames my character and undermines my reputation, usually to try to make themselves look like a better person than they are, at my expense. The last person that I truly loved did, both, those things, to me, but I welcomed that, from him, inasmuch as I didn't want to love him in the first place, and I knew that it would go a long way in destroying the caring feelings that I had. It took a while, but that did finally happen, setting me free from the bondage of it.

I had already, always, been doing whatever I could, to get those feelings out of my heart. I didn't see them coming, I didn't want them in me, and I wanted it to stop, for my own sake. I had hated being in the throes of something that strong, that I couldn't control, despite my best efforts. I was dismayed, and daunted, by that. Even so, his doing those hurtful things to me was very effective in eating away at whatever good feelings I had toward him. That finally broke it, in me, as I ended up, not trusting him, not respecting him, not feeling any affection toward him, having no desire toward him, and generally wanting nothing to do with him, if I could possibly help it. So, I feel alot better now! I had felt like my mind had been hijacked, by those feelings, that had come out of nowhere, and then completely overwhelmed me. But my sanity has been restored to me, now, so I can think rationally again. It feels almost as if I have been freed from the pit of Hell itself.

Instead of the heat of passion, that used to grip me, when I thought of him, and, literally, nearly bring me to my knees, as my legs gave way from all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I now feel something like disdain, and a coolness toward him that would make brusque cordiality all I could muster toward him if I ever had to interact with him again in the future (which I am intent on continuing to avoid, all that I possibly can, because of how badly he treated me for feeling what I felt, in spite of my trying not to, and I never tried to force on him). I don't like him as a person, after seeing how many ways he chose to (often publicly) shame me, when I wasn't doing anything at all that warranted that from him. God as my witness. 

I don't think that I hate him (although sometimes it feels like I do), despite his causing me to become so despondent, by how badly he treated me, when I was doing nothing at all to deserve to be treated that way, that at one point I truly didn't think that I would survive it. He continually treated me so disrespectfully, and almost always in front of an audience of other people. I became suicidal about it, briefly, but that is a dangerous place to find oneself emotionally, regardless of how quickly it passed, with the help of a friend, and by God's Grace. I think that it must simply be his male ego causing him to refuse to let go of believing that I still have those feelings for him, because I couldn't seem to convince him otherwise, despite telling him that plainly to his face. I think that's actually rather funny, and pathetic, that he really doesn't seem able to see himself through my eyes, to know my aversion toward him. What I see in him now, isn't very nice, for the most part.

 

What I see-- who I came to know him as-- is not someone that I would ever think highly enough of to want to be with, even if that were possible, which it isn't, anyway. I deserve way better than that type of person, and I have spent half my life choosing to do without a man because of that fact. I was very thrown by the feelings that I had toward him for awhile, because I wasn't able to control my emotions, as much as I wanted to, and tried. I struggled constantly, and mightily, to get rid of those feelings I had for him. I didn't make the warm feelings that I used to have toward him happen, and I didn't cause the cool feelings that I have toward him now to happen. How he treated me caused both those things in me. He acted, and I reacted. Cause and effect. Life happens and we feel what we feel.

Now I am immune to his calculating charm, because I see him for who he is, and who that is, is a man that I would never be able to trust again. Trust is a critical component of loving someone, for me. Even with friends, or family members. I used to consider him a friend. He destroyed that. He is such a jerk toward me that when I have simply smiled, to be polite, or been courteous, to be civil, he started ranting and raving at me-- almost always in front of some third party-- accusing me of still having feelings for him. He doesn't seem to notice that I continue to consciously avoid him, which I have actually done for a long time now. I just don't need his bullshit. He was disrespectful toward me even before all this happened.

It is offensive to me, especially because I am not doing anything toward him at all to be accused of anything like that. But, it also makes him seem really silly to me. After all, WHAT IS THERE TO LIKE, in being treated this way, by him? I truly think he just tries to keep this thing going for the sake of his own ego. Proverbs 28:1 says that "The wicked run when no one is chasing them." I think this describes him because, among alot of other things, he has lied to me, gossiped about me, caused people to openly judge me when they wouldn't have had any reason to, otherwise. He is a Christian. Jesus wouldn't do any of those things toward me.

                                                                                                      

He keeps acting like I am sinning toward him, while the whole time, in various ways, he is sinning toward me by biblical standards. Instead of thumping his Bible at me, he should read the verses that apply to his own sins. Hypocrite. He has openly condemned ME for FEELINGS I had, that I never tried to act on, but he seems to have no problem lying, or spreading gossip about me, which are sins that have had real consequences in my life, including damaging my relationships with other people who would otherwise have no other reason to treat me badly; but they have done that on his behalf to show their bias for and support of him. I once felt like he was my favorite person on the planet. I once considered him to be my best friend. I believed that he was actually trying to help me with some serious things that I really needed someone's support for. I didn't want to have other feelings. They just happened, when I wasn't expecting them to happen at all, which really threw me. But my reaction to that happening was always to try to stop it. I never tried to act on those feelings toward him. I didn't try to hurt him.

 

Now I feel much happier, having nothing at all to do with him-- not interacting with him, or having to endure more unprompted and undeserved accusations from him, when I know that I am merely being polite to him in the most basic of ways during any interactions. His doing that, to me, so many times, especially, when I did not deserve it, finally made me feel so frustrated that I lost my temper about it, and said "Fuck you!" to his face. I had just had it with his bullshit. Since then, my only goal regarding him has been to avoid him if at all possible which I continue doing. 

I am enjoying my private life now, and he has nothing to do with that. He is not welcome in that anymore. I am much happier now without him anywhere around me! If I was simply smiling (to be congenial, rather than hostile), he accused me of having feelings for him, that he had already destroyed in me, by mistreating me, so much. If I acted happy, or joyful, for reasons that had nothing to do with him, he glared at me suspiciously, as if my vivacious personality (that is 'me', when I am simply enjoying my life, in general) was some 'come on' toward him. If I had a conversation with him about things that were not remotely personal, he went off on me that it was really about him. It was so frustrating trying to deal with him, and he took it to the point of such ridiculousness, that I finally lost my temper. I had always felt very angry about that, but I finally just quit holding my tongue about it for the sake of trying to at least remain on pleasant terms with him when I needed to talk to him about non-personal things that were important. 

To make it even more maddening than it was, I had actually been actively avoiding him, for a lengthy amount of time, but even so, several times, he saw me walking past, on my way to go somewhere, or to speak with someone else, etc., and he would call out to me (which I tried to ignore, if I were far enough away from him to seem to not hear him), when I was living my life and minding my own business. He also came up to me, to interject himself into my conversations with someone else, or to show me something personal on his phone that he thought would interest me, and such, when I was not even talking to him, nor trying to talk to him. I would have preferred not to, truth be told, as interacting with him was rarely if ever enjoyable for me. I often found him to be very irritating and annoying, from the very beginning, which is one of the biggest reasons why I was shocked when I did develop a crush on him, for a short time, that felt pretty intense in me, for awhile. Nevertheless, I chose to respond politely, when he did these things, while he continually accused me of having ulterior motives related to some strong feeling for him (that I had already told him, clearly, no longer existed in me), whenever I needed to converse with him-- with someone else present!-- that was in no way personal, or affectionate toward him. It was so unfair. Because I was not doing anything to deserve to be continually accused of feelings for him that I did not have, for a long time now, I realized he kept it going for some selfish reason, at my expense, but I have never been sure of what his agenda actually is, for his doing that to me. He almost always seemed to do it in front of others, apparently to discredit me, for whatever his reason. Perhaps just for his ego.

People often make this mistake with me, then wonder why I change toward them.

I held my temper, and my tongue, about it, far, far, far, longer than I should have, but when I finally lost my temper at him about it, he acted like the victim, then, too, and blamed me, as if he didn't have that coming, for how badly, and unfairly, he had been treating me, for so long. Personally, I think he is a chauvinist, and a misogynist, at heart. I also began to notice, whenever I would read things about narcissists online, that he almost always matched what that was describing. That was the scariest realization of all, because a narcissist will intentionally set out to destroy a person, their self-esteem, their life, and their happiness, out of whatever egotistical reasons, that they convince themselves, due to their own deep-seated insecurities, that they are entitled to do that, to their target. He seemed to enjoy subjecting me to his unfair accusations, and he did so often with a smirk on his face, like it was some fun game to him that he was really enjoying at my expense.

 

But I just gave it all to God, who knows the full truth about everything, and have done my best to go on with my own life, which he is not directly a part of. That's another reason I want to find my 'Mr. Right', finally. With, that, man, in my life, I couldn't keep being accused of things, anymore, that I am not feeling, or doing.

 

Even so, precisely because feelings are complicated, this man, that has been doing all this to me, is one of only a couple of people who have affected me so deeply that they have actually changed who I am as a person, forever, in both good ways (believe it or not) and bad ways. The other one of those people was my second husband, Jim. For better, and for worse, it is what it is; or, was. I am glad to be past those romantic emotions, toward both those men, so my heart is fully open to embrace a future with a man that hopefully will not mistreat me, as these two men did, each in their own way. If I don't ever meet such a man-- one that I deserve, that will treat me well-- I will continue to do without, rather than settle for less. My head thinks alot more clearly with all the butterflies gone from my gut, and I know that I would not want either one of these two men, that I loved the most in my life, so far, to be with me, because they would not make me happy. I don't want the type of life that they live, either. It is just not my scene. I prefer alot of alone time, as an introvert. People, in general, are a huge drain, to me. They both like having alot of people around them. I'm very private. I also could never trust either one of those two men again. Without trust, and respect, there can be no love, of any kind, including friendship. I choose to appreciate the good things that they brought into my life, and I try to let go of the bad things; and put it all behind me.

I should have continued trusting my gut, because it's a very good judge of people. Had I done that I could have avoided the whole situation with the accuser. My very first impressions of him were that, he was a chauvinist, had a very condescending streak in him that seemed to come from him being full of himself; that, because of that, or some other reason, he, definitely, didn't respect me; that he did not want to bother to do the right thing by me, if he could possibly avoid it, when I needed his help; that he was very manipulative; not a truthful person; and, at times, was even rather stupid. When my feelings did change toward him, in spite of all these things, it was partly because he began to behave very differently toward me, and he has a powerful, practiced, charm, that he used to weave his spell on me. Even so it was primarily a physical attraction to his manliness, for me. l'm also a sucker (clearly) for anyone who makes me laugh-- which, he managed to do, quite often.

I was excited to see myself start falling in love with David-- the man I met online, not long ago, on a singles' dating website. I was so hopeful that he was 'the one'! We talked about anything and everything, we made one another laugh, we were sexually turned on by one another. It was a mutual attraction that seemed to be blossoming into real love. I was brokenhearted, when it fell apart, with him, just before we were finally going to meet in person, because I found out that he was doing 'the typical man thing' of telling me some things that he wasn't really honest about, in order to 'get lucky' with me. I was shocked, because I had always been completely honest with him about everything, and thought he was doing the same. I was also hurt, and angry, about it. I had told him how important respecting me, and being honest with me, was, to me, and that if a man didn't do those things toward me it was a deal breaker. There would be no romantic relationship. David had given me his phone number, just before this happened that it fell apart with us, because we were actually making the plans for him to come stay with me that upcoming weekend. I never called him, though, after that, even though I have missed him and thought of him so often, ever since then. I can't seem to forget about David. Sometimes, I am tempted to call him. But then, I don't, because I told him clearly how imperative it was that he respect me and be honest with me, and he missed the mark, with those things. I have to stay strong, and let it go. 

I have high standards for any man that I would ever be willing to give my heart to. I am more casual with my body, meaning that I would have sex with a man, that I was attracted to, and had a strong chemistry with, even if I was not in love with him. That was not the case, years ago, when I had convinced myself, due to my religious upbringing, that I had to be in love-- or at least have the intent to get married to the man-- to have sex with them. That stern and stuffy puritanical morality imposed its suffocating straitjacket on my personal fulfillment, and led to my having several divorces. It was male-patriarchy-created-religiosity, largely to get, and control, women, rearing its ugly head, to get women to compromise what we really want and need, in order to have a man in our lives and our bed, and it caused me alot of grief, in the past, when I tried to abide by it, because I ended up with the short end of that deal; every time. That is why I say in my singles' site profiles that I have no interest in being married again. Ever. I was very attracted to David (still am; sigh!) and was already starting to fall in love with him. So, we very likely would have had sex had he come here to meet me the weekend that it all fell apart. I haven't been able to get David, or that fact, out of my mind. I just keep consoling myself that I found out just in time to avoid another heartbreak. It would never work out, between me and any man that does not respect me; which includes, being honest with me, and treating me well, among other things. I knew I was far too attracted to David to resist going back into it with him, if he tried to get with me, after it fell apart, so I deleted my profile on that website. I still have my other profile, on another singles' dating website, and in my Inbox, just today, there were four, new, men, messaging me. One even looks somewhat promising! 

I am really picky because I know what I am worth, so it's really hard for me to find someone that I want to be with. I am encouraged, by finding-- two!-- good guys, from this online search, for love and sex, already, though, in Joe and David, even though those didn't work out, when it came to meeting one another. Joe was just plain hot. He pushed EVERY button with me, as far as being a total sexual turn-on. But, David had more depth to him, and he was attractive, which is why he was the one of the two I started falling for. Maybe, 'the third time's the charm' with this singles' site search! I am very hopeful, optimistic, and excited, about my future prospects for finding the romantic fulfillment that I have never, really, found, in my life. The closest I ever came was with my second husband, Jim, but he still fell far short of someone that I would be willing to spend my life with. So, I divorced him (even though he was great in bed). Regardless of whether I ever find my 'Mr. Right' or not, true feelings-- whatever they are-- JUST ARE. I can't MAKE myself feel love for someone, or stop feeling love for them. It'll either happen, or it won't.

We cannot control what we feel. I don't think that any of us decide, in our heads, what we will feel, about people, or places, etc. Our emotions reflect our honest reaction to how we experience people, places, and things, that come through our lives. I still feel like I am partly in love with David, even though I won't call him, because he lied to me, and I hate that, because it ruins relationships for me when I can't trust someone. I love the beach, but I have friends that don't like it at all. I hate pasta, while it seems that most people love it. I did not plan to hate pasta, or try to hate pasta. I just feel a genuine dislike for pasta. When we encounter people or experience things, our feelings-- whatever those are-- just naturally occur in us, as a consequence of how that affected us. I hope I get to experience mutual love!

How can I deeply love someone, whom I later feel nothing at all for, but wariness, distrust, and resentment? The answer to that question seems to me to be that we only know other people in the way(s) that they choose to reveal themselves to us, by how they behave, which triggers emotions in us that we can't control, one way or the other. Those feelings are just our natural reaction to what the other person decides to show us about who they are. That emotional reaction that we have, to how we perceive them, is subject to change if and when what they show us about themselves changes. If we believe someone is being truthful with us, and later we discover that they lied to us, it profoundly affects how we feel toward that person.

I have been fooled, and betrayed, by people, that I truly cared about, causing me to be 'once bitten, twice shy' in regard to them going forward (compound that, for multiple 'bites', from some of them, including friends that I gave my full trust to-- which was a huge compliment to them-- only to realize that my doing so was a big mistake). I am to the point, now, that I really wonder, is anyone, or anything, ever really, who, or what, we think they are? It amazes me, that we can go from loving someone, even more than any other person on the planet that we've ever known, and then find ourselves wondering if we ever, really, knew them, at all. Even more than that, it's like they've become some kind of stranger to us, now, that we don't know, and that we don't think, now, that we even want to know. Feelings changed.

Bad Luck? Bad Men? Or Family Curses?

I deleted the personal profile that I had on one singles' website, after David broke my heart. I kept the other one of the two on the site where Joe and I had seemed to have a strong, and promising, connection, with one another, before it fell apart, when he got angry at me over David. So far no one else, that is interesting to me, has messaged me, on the remaining dating site, since those two men both caught my attention and even captured my heart; so I have been tempted to delete it, as well, and give up. Again. I definitely don't need my heart broken anymore, if I can possibly prevent that from happening. There's been far too much pain as it is from my relationships with other human beings, and not nearly enough, happiness, joy, or fulfillment, when those people have been in my life. Because of that, I am very much living in a 'cut my losses' mode by doing all that I can to avoid relationships of any kind with people who seem to me to be, disrespectful, fake, untrustworthy, shallow, selfish, manipulative, two-faced, abusive, dangerous, controlling, a liar or gossip, betrayer, tormentor (such as a narcissist who's compelled to put the victim through things that are very destructive), and even, just plain stupid, people. This certainly narrows down who I'm willing to open up to, and welcome into my life. It also, definitely, narrows the field of men I will even consider as potential partners.

The Bible speaks of several generational family curses but also asserts that 'In the last days the love of many will grow cold' (Matthew 24:12) in general; so between those two things I feel like my chances to experience, real, love in my life-- of any kind-- is somewhere between slim to none. While that's a very depressing thought to me, it seems to be the way that things have almost always gone for me, in love relationships throughout my life. It is what it is. In my struggle to understand why so many people seem to have found-- real-- love while I have never really had 'all the stars align' for me with that, I do ponder whether, I am just not lovable, or if I should give more credence to the possibility of an actual curse, on my family, as it relates to this. During my last divorce, I took back my maiden name. I don't know too much about my father's family because he really didn't ever talk about it at all when I was growing up, or even after. But, since I am related by blood I may also be under a curse passed down on his side of the family, if there is such a thing. It may be farfetched, but as I search for answers, that I don't have, and have never had, as to why love has so eluded me throughout my life, I am willing to consider all possibilities. After all, scripture says in no uncertain terms that curses are real.

I never knew my father's father. The only time he was even brought up to me, as a child, was when we were told that he had died, from being pinned, between his tractor and a trailer or something connected to it, and he was crushed to death. I think that was what happened anyway. My father was a man of few words, and a stern bearing, for the most part, so not very much was said to us, about it, at all; and I was just a young girl when this happened. We dressed up in Sunday clothes and went to the man's funeral, and that was that. My dad spent his life estranged from his parents, and I also spent the majority of my life estranged from mine, in first an emotional and then, also, a physical sense. That could be another possible Robinson curse in itself, although I was, and am, the only family member to sever ties with my family of origin, after I was thrust into the role of family black sheep, AKA scapegoat, which had, and has, everything, to do with that decision, of mine.

 

I am not sure if my father's parents were still together, but I seem to recall a step father being in the picture, and running my dad off, when he wasn't old enough to be on his own. I did meet my father's mother, and someone told me that she also dabbled in witchcraft. I don't know if that was true but ignorant country folk often hold onto alot of superstitions and such that, at the very least, can cause them to engage in some strange things. I believe his parents were divorced and my father divorced my mother, late, in life (in their mid-to-late-60s, I think it was), after my brother's suicide (by a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart) caused them to be even more strained with one another than they were before that. My dad's three sisters all also divorced I think. I'm not sure about one, but recall us visiting her, and her husband was an alcoholic. She scolded him for scaring us children by his behavior in that condition. Other than, that, tense, visit, we had very few interactions, with her. I feel fairly certain that their marriage did not make it, though. The other two sisters definitely divorced. After working so hard, for so many years, building their farm and their family, Peggy's husband Bill began to gamble, in, high stakes, card games, and bet the family farm, and lost it. Everything, they had worked hard for, was gone. Ginny's husband was the uncle that attempted to pull me into their bed and sexually molest me one weekend when I was sleeping over at their house. My family had gone on a trip and I didn't want to go on that long drive, so I stayed at my aunt and uncle's house, for a couple of days. Uncle Jim had never done that to me before, or after, but it was, really scary, for me, because it happened when my aunt left for work Saturday morning, and I was alone in the house with this uncle, who became a sexual predator. They did not divorce for that though. It turned out he did this kind of crap to other young female relatives, besides me. But, they got divorced when he ran off with the woman that was Aunt Ginny's best friend. Ginny never had it easy, in her search for real love, either. The next man she trusted her heart and life to stole all her money and left her. I lost touch with her as the years went by, so I don't know, what happened, after that. All this marital misery makes me wonder if there really is some curse at work, in my family tree, that is actually undermining our chances, for real lasting love, or if there is just alot of bad people in the world who don't make good romantic partners. My only brother, Mike, killed himself, because of the constant lack of fulfilling romantic love, in his life. His luck with women was so bad that, he died a virgin at the age of 40. Brokenhearted, he had become despondent from the complete hopelessness he felt about ever being loved by any woman that he loved. He was on the phone with the most recent one that was rejecting him, however nicely, when she heard the gun go off, and called the police. I talked to the detective, about it, by phone, and he told me all of this.

On my mother's side of the family, her mother, was married three times. The first one was rather abusive I believe because she went to great lengths to hide one of her pregnancies from this man, despite it being his child. The second was a happy match, but I believe he died of cancer. The third was not affectionate but stood by her until his death. I think there were 7 children altogether from these marriages, 5 of which had long, loving, marriages, one that got pregnant out of wedlock, but found a man willing to marry her and stay with her and be a stepfather to her son that she conceived, and one (my mother), that was the only one, of the 7, to ever be divorced. Based on that, including because she married a Robinson and they all got divorced on his side of the family, there could be grounds for believing there is something to the Robinson family curse. My sister Pat never divorced, but she had a different father than my dad, apparently from an affair our mother had, with the man who fathered her, so she wouldn't come under this Robinson curse, if there is one, although she was raised right along with us as if she were a Robinson. Lastly, my youngest sister, has never divorced, but is a Robinson, and I can't explain why she seems to have avoided a 'doomed' relationship. She, often, seems, bitchy and bossy, but her husband seems to go along with her every mood, pout, and sulk so I think that she is so strong-willed that she probably made his life miserable, if he didn't kowtow to her. He makes excuses for her no matter how badly she behaves just to 'keep the peace', as much as possible. She is extremely overbearing, when she is not getting her own way with everything, and/or isn't happy for any reason, no matter how small a thing is triggering her, very volatile temperament. She has a fairly dark and dour personality, that rears its ugly head when she is not getting her way. She makes me cringe! I'm so relieved to be back to 'No Contact' with her after accommodating her during the settling of our mother's estate after she died, only to have Pam return to her frequently surly self again, soon after I had signed all the paperwork and she no longer needed my help with all of that. Her husband explains away, and excuses, all her ugly behaviors, so I truly do think that he has been severely hen-pecked by her over the years to act that way about how she is.

I think his religious faith prevents him from ever seriously considering getting out. He's a good guy, but he helped create the overbearing monster she can be, by his rationalizations to himself and others, as he seems to disregard her, over-the-top, bad behaviors, rather than, really, confront, the punitive posturing, that she does. Because he doesn't do that, he enables her to continue carrying on in these ways.

As for me, I'm not an easy woman to love, either, in my own ways. I'm extremely honest about things, including subjects that many find uncomfortable to confront, and more people than not aren't big fans of honesty. I'm a loner and a homebody. I love my privacy! I didn't like marriage, and don't want to try that anymore, with anyone, despite my religious upbringing; but I would like a romantic partner-- if I can ever find a really good guy that it can work out with (which hasn't happened, so far). When someone pushes my buttons, until they really piss me off, I have a righteous indignation that explodes, into full anger, if I am being disrespected, or mistreated in some way, which isn't being dealt with, and stopped. I'm extremely independent. I don't let others control me by their attitudes, or actions, opinions, or oppression. I don't care, who doesn't like me, or what I am doing with my life.

 

People that have known me a long time, and never seen me lose my temper, are shocked, if/when that happens, because I normally just 'live and let live', and am generally gentle with people, although I am not particularly 'social', since I am an introvert by nature. When people piss me off, usually by mistreating me, I can go from happy to hostile, and warm and friendly to cold as ice, in an instant. Once I lose my temper it takes me A VERY LONG TIME to calm down toward that person or persons, again; IF EVER. Some people have PUSHED ME SO FAR that, there IS NO GOING BACK to being on good terms with me. I simply lost any and all desire to put up with them, or their bullshit, anymore. Once I get REALLY PISSED OFF, I don't often cool down. That person has TURNED ME OFF, and the way I see it is, I JUST DON'T NEED THEM, in my life. I can be quick, to WRITE PEOPLE OFF, if they DON'T TREAT ME WELL. Sometimes, men have miscalculated that they matter, to me, SO MUCH, that I will TAKE THEIR SHIT. As people on social media sites put it they 'fuck around, and find out', when I DON'T DO THAT. I will tell them to leave, and hold the door open for them, to get out of my life, without batting an eye, or shedding a tear, if they try to make me choose between valuing myself or them. I ALWAYS CHOOSE ME if they make the mistake of MAKING THAT A CHOICE for me. It isn't just men that I do that with. I do that with ANYONE that MISTREATS ME. I have NO motivation to fight for any relationship that I am NOT TREATED WELL IN.

I'm ALOT HAPPIER when people like THAT are GONE from my life. Good riddance!

It is SAD to me, when people that THINK I LOVE THEM will use THAT, as a reason to take me for granted, disrespect me, mistreat me, humiliate me and abuse me. When they start that shit I allow it to go on however long it takes to KILL OFF MY LOVE FOR THEM, by using, the deep hurt, and anger, at being treated that badly. They seem to be unaware of my using it to motivate me to get rid of them. They seem to mistakenly believe that I'm alright with their treating me badly, because  I, seemingly at least, allowed them to get away with it. However, I bide my time, and ONCE THEY'VE DESTROYED MY LOVE, I CUT THEM LOOSE, and they are left, truly shocked, like, "What the hell happened? She never reacted like that before!" My answer to that is, "Listen up, DUMB JERK, YOU MADE THAT POSSIBLE FOR ME to STOP CARING ABOUT YOU, and now you are OUT OF MY HEART AND MY LIFE!"

So, with my deep need to be alone, so much of the time, and my desire to avoid being mistreated, or married, that prevents men from ultimately dominating me, and my volcanic temper that is usually hidden out of sight but is scary to people,  if or when it erupts, my fierce independence, which makes me 'need' people alot less than they think that I do and makes me well able to cut them out of my life, far more quickly and easily than most people are able to do, or want to do, I can be a real challenge, for anyone trying to love me, or even just find their place, in my life. Whether it's a family member, a friend, a romantic partner, a neighbor or anyone else, I live my life on my own terms, and while I do not try to impose my will on how others live their life I'm protective and possessive of how I live mine.

These things, about me, may be what make me so hard to love. I am going to be 'me', and be true to who and what I am, though, regardless of who likes it or has a problem with it. I need to be loved for myself or else it isn't really love. It is not always the unloved person that is the problem preventing love, either. I think that I am actually very lovable, once I am comfortable enough to open up to someone and let my personality shine through! If someone gets to know me, for who I am, and makes me feel safe to be open and loving, with them, I'll have a much better chance of finally finding love. Other people not acting loving, for whatever reason, can prevent love, from being part of the relationship. I think about the fun things, I could do with someone, in a romantic relationship, but Covid is also still around, and I would have to contend with that highly contagious virus if I stop isolating to become intimate with someone. I feel like, COVID, has RUINED MY LIFE, in ways.

 

 

I don't try to rule and run other people for my own gain, or for control over them and the situation. I like, giving and receiving, mutual respect, and understanding, reciprocity, equality, yin and yang, sharing joy and laughter, nurturing each other, affection. I thrive in that kind of environment and relationship! I smile more in it, reveling in the sacred sweetness of sharing life with another soul in a safe space.  I would never want to try to get what I thought I wanted or needed from another person by bullying, browbeating, coercion, or control. The ones that try that crap on me are excluded from my life; banished because of their bullshit. I don't need it, and if they choose to act that way toward me, I don't need them. I'd rather do without people like that. They are JOY STEALERS. I'm VERY protective of my joy!

I really don't know if I have never found REAL romantic love with anyone because of bad luck, bad men, or family curses. I just know that it is the ONE desire of my heart that STILL ELUDES ME; and with the added oppression of Covid, spreading, yet again, in a, never-ending, morphing into different strains, I don't even think it is possible for me to, physically, be with a man, safely, even if I finally find a good one. It is frustrating to me though that jerks and bitches seem to have no trouble finding a romantic partner in their lives, but people like me that want to give love even more than get love, but hope for both those things, seem to spend our lives doing without, for whatever reason. If I am not lovable because of imperfections, then how are other, clearly imperfect, people, able to find real love, in their lives?

 

I hope I'm not under a curse when it comes to finding love, but it seems like that:

I don't have the answers. I do know that, I can be, a difficult person to deal with, though; including, because, my expectations are high. I totally turn off, toward a man, if I find out they lied, to me. I believe God always reveals to me if someone lies to me, because He is a God of truth. It doesn't always happen right away, but in the end the TRUTH will come out: Luke 8:17 (NIV) "For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open." When I find out that I was lied to, the hurt, and betrayal, drive a wedge between me and the person who did that to me, and I allow the pain of it to alter my feelings about them. After all, they showed me that they don't respect me, by doing that. I don't feel respect for people who don't respect me, because I know that, I am worth treating well! I also know, they don't lie because of what is wrong with me. They lie, because of, what is wrong with them. I may never know, why I can't seem to find the right guy, but I do know, I'm worth treating with real respect, even with my faults and flaws. I've been around enough people in my life to know that I am A VERY SPECIAL WOMAN, in some significant ways. I know that a man would be lucky to have my love in his life; but would I be lucky to have his, or would I regret ever letting him into my heart? I don't want to waste my love on someone that doesn't appreciate it and doesn't reciprocate it. I DESERVE BETTER.

Living My Life In This Love-Starved World

 

Comparatively few people seem to have either the ability, or the desire, to show totally altruistic love to other human beings on this planet-- especially when our own needs are not being met as far as feeling loved by others ourselves. That is the reason people who do so stand out from among the great mass of humanity  on this planet, and why they are given special recognition. Mother Teresa won a Nobel Prize for her effort to demonstrate love to those whom society had largely failed to feel that for, precisely because that was considered to be so rare that it deserved special recognition. She chose to look at others through eyes of love. I felt like I came so CLOSE to FINALLY finding love, a month or so ago. I felt like I was already falling in love with David. It felt special and warm, to me. I allowed myself to be truly hopeful. Then, in the blink of an eye, it ALL crumbled. He had not been as honest with me as I thought he was being, and that is A SURE WAY  TO RUIN THE RELATIONSHIP with me. I had risked being TOTALLY HONEST with him, because I REALLY WANTED a romantic relationship with him and knew that for it to be real and lasting it had to be based on being truthful with one another.

I met him on a singles' dating website. We were planning to finally meet face-to-face, when it fell apart. Because of that, I shut down, deleting my profile, on the site, altogether. IT HURT TOO MUCH. I did keep my personal profile on the other  of the two websites I signed up on to try yet again to find romantic fulfillment in my life. Someone to laugh with and be passionate about and (dare I say it?) find love with. Men are still messaging me on that site, but no one that really appeals  to me, since the thing fell through with Joe on the site, when I let him know that  it was going so well with David, on the other site, so that, I did not lead Joe on. I wouldn't want any guys leading me on. Especially if they thought they had found love with some other woman. Joe got angry, about it, though, and he told me so, in no uncertain terms, in the last Message he sent to me. I replied, I wished him success in his search for whatever he is seeking. Joe had been my favorite of the two men, actually, but David was the one that had made a real effort, to actually create a relationship with me, and that is what I am looking for. Something REAL. It went off the rails with David when he let me know that he was not really being honest with me about what he wants in a woman. When he finally did tell me, as we were preparing to meet one another, his description of her did not match who  I am. I don't know why he was not honest from the start, but he broke my heart.

Referring again to Mother Teresa's attitude toward love, below are some quotes:

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”

“Even the rich are hungry for love, for being cared for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own.”

The world is teeming with people who all just want someone to care about them, and feel like they are special, and worthy of love. Why is it so hard to find, then?

There are days that I truly question what I have to bargain with in this endeavor and other days that I am really not sure I even want to bother trying anymore. I have never met even ONE man in my entire life that I would say is worth it when  it is all said and done. For me, men have always been more trouble than they are worth-- by far. Even so, romance brings a level of magic to one's life that nothing else can provide and a source of true joy. I could be cynical about it and point out that it's really just chemical reactions in the brain that cause us to feel so good in the throes of romantic attraction but regardless of what it is nothing in life comes close to beating it, in my opinion. At least, the very few experiences that I've had with it, have felt pretty wonderful, if short-lived. There is also nothing better than someone feeling THAT way about ME, and letting me know that; if, I am attracted to them. I am definitely not the only one, having a hard time attracting the 'right' person for me. As I continue my search online, now that I have accepted the fact that whatever it was with David is over however much I wish it had worked out, I often see photos of men that literally cause me to stare in disbelief, or shudder. It truly shows that people don't see themselves the way that others see them, when I come across the posted photos of men on these sites that look more like 'arrest' photos, like we see on the newscasts. Some, of the photos, also go from shocking to sad. Looking for love in my age group (late 50s to late 60s) is a really daunting experience, under the best of circumstances, as people's bodies change drastically and they often develop health issues-- some of which are quite serious. I struggle with some heart issues, myself. I never had to wonder, when I was younger, if my making love to someone would be too much for my heart-- or, if their heart could physically handle me. Some men even say in their profiles that, they do not have ED (erectile dysfunction), which is an increasingly common problem, as men age. 

When I was a young woman, I lived in an apartment building, with several single women, and one young married couple. One single woman was raising two teens herself, and was in her early-to-mid-thirties, I think. The other three were senior citizens. Those three would be my peers now. Two, of the senior women, seemed to either be content being alone without a romantic relationship, or resigned. But one, of them-- Blanche-- lived directly above me, and I would visit her, when she invited me to come sit with her on her balcony to talk together. I was doing some dating at the time, but I just wasn't finding the right guy for me. Blanche told me about her deceased husband, and the adventures on the road trips they took that she so missed. One day I asked her if she would ever want to try to find real love again, with someone else, and she rather surprised me, by her, immediate, reply, that she absolutely would want to find love again, in her life. She suffered from a serious heart condition, though, and died, in her sleep, later that very night. She was in her 70s at the time. With what I observed then and what I feel in my own heart now as well as all the other indicators that are found all around me, I think human beings have a deep hunger to have love in their lives, from birth to death.  I don't think that it, ever, goes away, and I don't think anything else satisfies that very human need but the real thing, when it is all said and done. It's sad to think about all the people that want love, and need love, but rarely, if ever, truly find it.

Because of how pervasively unloving the world is, I find myself wondering if I can continue to truly believe in a God of love. A God who can do anything. A God who can do miracles. A God who created men and women to need each other and who wants people to come together in unity, and treat one another well in community.

Humans are supposedly made in His image but I don't really see the resemblance. The Bible says that God puts the solitary in families (Psalm 68:6) but that was the place where I grew up feeling tolerated at best and resented for even existing, for the most part, by the very people whom I needed to model love and a 'safe place' for me. I stayed to myself as much as possible, to avoid the toxicity of the home I was raised in, which, to this day, still causes me problems dealing with all types of social interactions, since I developed in ways that make those things very difficult. It is almost always too stressful for me to open myself up to others so I avoid that as much as possible. It is also frightening because the 'Risk-Reward' of interacting with people has left me badly burned far too many times that I have ventured out of my isolation to try it. People don't realize what a HUGE compliment it is, when I even TRY to TRUST them in ANY way. Sadly, 99% of the time I wish I hadn't tried.

The results haven't exactly encouraged me to want to do more of it. I'm very real, so I don't want to feel like I can't be myself with other people. What's the point of that, after all? I was created to be ME; not, anyone else. If I can't be genuine and honest with someone in a relationship with them then the relationship between us is not going to be those things, either. I really don't want to involve myself in fake relationships; or even just shallow, or insincere, ones. WHY BOTHER? That is junk food for the soul and a complete waste of the precious gift of time. I see so many people posturing, out of fear of the the very people they are interacting with, and people-pleasing, going along with the herd mentality's peer pressure to get along, often at the expense of their own thoughts and feelings, about things. That's truly pathetic to me. It is clear that far more people than not 'grease the wheel', in this way, for the sake of acceptance by the people they do this with, but it's bullshit to me, and I don't do it-- making me the, very unpopular, exception, rather than the rule. Proverbs 24:26 (GNT) says "An honest answer is a sign of true friendship." I think of my being honest with people as, a way of honoring them, by letting them interact with the real me. However, at any point that I sense they are not sincere, with me, I take that as an insult, from them, and back away, shut down, or try to avoid, interacting with them, altogether. I avoid, feeling trapped, in a relationship, that does not feel like it is 'healthy' to me. With how life is now, socially speaking, that does not leave me with many options. Most people bend to peer pressure, in many ways, but I resist being 'other than' who I truly am-- faults, and all. Others often want us to be whatever it is they need us to be, for their own agenda. They don't really like us, certainly don't love us, but they need us to be a pawn in their game, so that, their, needs are met. It is interesting to me that, when I refuse, to do that, their masks come off really quickly and the ugly truth is on full display. It makes me glad that I did not comply, for the sake of, any, relationship with them.

In my ruminations about the state of things as they are on this earth, now, as far as it being so difficult to find truly loving relationships with other human beings, I have realized that, this fact has deeply damaged my beliefs. I have a faith in God which is deeply woven into the whole of my life experiences, and I truly believe, I am still alive today, after all that I have been through, because of, both grace and miracles happening, when I needed both of those things, to remedy my situation.  I can't deny those truths. Yet, I REALLY STRUGGLE now-- especially due to what I have experienced first hand in the community I live in; much, of which, is due to, several, self-proclaimed, Christians, who've treated me in ways that have nothing to do with Jesus' mandate to them, in that regard. It isn't just due to that though.

 

I have prayed many very devout and sincere prayers in my lifetime that I haven't had answered in any affirmative way. People will always rationalize it by trying to comfort (or simply silence) me with platitudes and Bible verses and such, but the fact remains that the needs I bring to God in this way are real, and are not being met, which affects the overall quality of my life, in profound ways. There is a line from the play and movie 'Auntie Mame' that describes my living a loveless life ....

https://youtu.be/85pJXaiXOBU?si=kvnMUMg1NlHp_nY4

It isn't that I don't want to feel fulfilled in my life. It is that, in many ways, I don't know how, to 'get there, from here', so to speak, given things as they are. Due to all my disheartening disappointments and downright despair, there is nothing that anyone can say, or that I can even tell myself, anymore, that will, 'keep my hopes up', in the face of what life has all-too-clearly taught me that it is, and it isn't. The platitudes just add insult to injury. Most of my life has been lived at this point, and despite it really being 'now or never' to finally have my needs met and my dreams come true, there is no Sign from God, the universe, or Santa Claus, coming to my

rescue, by bringing me what will satisfy those needs, and desires. Rationalizations seem ridiculous, to me, now; and pointless. It all, just seems like, excuses, to me.

Sometimes, the whole 'God' thing seems alot like the 'Santa Claus' myth.

We are taught-- more, than that; indoctrinated-- to believe certain things, about both of them, that may not line up well, if at all, with the reality, of the lives that we lead. There are so many similarities, between the two tales, only, one, can be proven to be a myth, and the other one we are asked and expected to believe by faith. I still remember the day, my parents took us to visit an aunt and uncle and he decided to say to my youngest sister that there was no Santa Claus. My heart sank for her as I watched shock and then sorrow change her expression that had just been a smile before this awful moment that's so traumatic to a child in many cases. She was still young enough to believe, but he ripped that away from her. I always thought, that was so unfair, because it is the adults in our lives that teach us to believe such things in the first place when we are gullible, trusting children. It is such an emotional issue, for young children, too, that doing such a thing can truly traumatize them. I glared at my uncle, for his insensitivity toward my sister. She just sat there, not saying anything, after that 'bomb' was dropped on her, as the tears began to fall silently down her cheeks. He had essentially 'killed' Santa, for her, in a way, and this could never be undone. Yet, as painful as the truth was for her, that day, when she grew up, and had kids of her own, she taught them to believe in Santa Claus also, and the legend continued. Just as it does, around the world, in the hearts and homes of millions of the planet's population. I thought it was a rather cruel thing to teach little ones about the existence of someone such as Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, et cetera, encouraging them to put their faith and trust in these made-up beings, and then take that away again, at some point, explaining that away rather blithely, as being just one of the costs of 'growing up'. Interestingly, about 85%, of young children in the U.S. believe in Santa* and a very close percentage of 81% of adults in the U.S. believe in God** according to current statistics. Below, are some memes, showing the controversy, about Santa Claus. There are many people, who would use these same memes to describe believing in God. Specifically, a loving God, who truly cares, about needs and desires of the humans on this orb we live our lives on. I can see why, myself.

                     

   

Parents do SO MUCH POSTURING AND PRETENDING to CAUSE children to believe in Santa, but things can come up in real life, that will make that trust and belief a real liability for the child with unmet needs, and wants, that 'Santa' was supposed to meet. It goes past, "There's SANTA!", to "That's actually not REALLY Santa; it's ONE of his many 'helpers'", to "Look! Did you SEE the sleigh just fly by? He will be here soon, so go to sleep!" to "He KNOWS if you've been bad or good; ALL YEAR." to even having to explain to a completely devastated child on Christmas morning, "Yes, Santa KNOWS YOU WERE GOOD, and he cares about you ALOT, but HE JUST COULDN'T COME THIS YEAR. Maybe NEXT year", if the parents or guardians had a situation occur that made them unable to afford Christmas gifts, and such. "Santa is loving BUT . . . ." hurts the child(ren) deeply in that circumstance, BECAUSE OF all the things the child was INDOCTRINATED TO BELIEVE about him by the adults.

It can feel the same way, with the "God is Loving BUT . . . ." stuff.

When we are TAUGHT to believe that God knows everything and can do anything, and then we have, REAL, DEEP, UNMET, NEEDS, that go on for days that turn into weeks, that become months that turn into years, that become decades that begin to feel like, they will last an entire lifetime, without ever being healed, or fulfilled, it can be difficult if not impossible to reconcile those two things with one another.  

People SAY they can EXPLAIN it in sermons and such, but I wonder how they can EXCUSE it, IF God TRULY exists, and HAS ALL THE ATTRIBUTES that we are TOLD that He HAS. Our human minds not only aren't capable of comprehending all that is attributed to God, but our minds can be deceived, including by misinformation, and even far-fetched myths that we choose to believe. Once we accept a concept as true we tend to rationalize everything about our circumstances to fit that 'fact' and disregard anything that crops up that does not align with what we believe to be true. Anyone watching the news has seen cases of extreme deception play out and watched in wonder, and even worry, when people have chosen not to believe what is actually true but have instead embraced and even acted on some strange stories, which they, shockingly, accepted as true, nevertheless, because it fit into some narrative that they wanted to be correct; actual facts be damned. One good example is the Pizzagate Conspiracy Theory, unleashed, in 2016. Edgar Maddison Welch showed up at a pizza restaurant, in another state, firing an AR-15 into that business because he was fed fake stories about nonexistent child abuse there*** which were started solely to discredit a political opponent. Regardless of someone having strong political alignments this example really demonstrates how anything can be strongly believed and therefore acted on, including in some extreme ways. This wasn't the only danger this business was put in, by people with right-leaning political views. They also suffered alot of defamation which affected business, and many actual threats. All because, someone, seriously, believed that Hillary Clinton was running a child sex ring out of there! UNBELIEVABLE; yet believed, by people.

I have heard others say that they were really failed by people of faith, when they were deeply hurting over a situation in their life, because they got platitudes and dogma and toxic positivity**** as responses to their honest pain and struggle. I KEEP IT REAL-- including with God, and even about my sincere doubts, at times, that He is either really 'there' or is going to do anything about the unmet needs I bring to Him to help me with. In my opinion, it is hurtful, when someone has real need in their lives and a God who we are told CAN do ANYTHING doesn't seem to be DOING anything at all. People explain it away in all kinds of ways, but to me it comes down to, He CAN but He WON'T. I don't even want to hear it, when people start saying things that sound like the same kind of explanations given during the Christmas season to kids about Santa. For a child whose parents can't make ends meet to be told that, Santa couldn't come to their house, this year, after teaching them that 'Santa, has the ABILITY to go to EVERY HOME, IN THE WORLD, in ONE night, to BRING PRESENTS to ALL those WHO HAVE BEEN GOOD this year' (AND, THEY HAVE BEEN GOOD), the myth is no longer serving them well. In fact, it is a source of confusion and pain at that point. Santa COULD but he DIDN'T. To make  it worse, the child had sat on Santa's lap just weeks earlier, and was told that his wish would come true. Circumstances changed that had nothing to do with all the indoctrination the child had been given about the abilities and intentions of Santa but Santa was perceived as the one who let them down. Reality, busted the myth.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER what people say when you are really hurting in some way and you just need the FIX, to whatever that issue is, but it never shows up in your life. Even the most well-meaning, and carefully articulated, comments aren't much help, if any at all, if the situation remains unchanged, and the need remains unmet. That being said, there are certain things that can, add real insult to injury.

The standard 'Christianese' replies, are, "Sometimes it's 'Yes', sometimes it's 'No', sometimes it's 'Wait'." "I don't want to JUDGE you, or anything, BUT, maybe, you have unconfessed sin, in your life." "Maybe, your faith, isn't strong enough." "You may be doubting, and that's hindering the answer, to your prayers." "Maybe your motives are wrong." "Maybe, you're not standing on scripture." "It's not His Will."

People say these things to others who are hurting or suffering from unmet needs:

• “You’ll feel better before you know it.”
• “You’ll get through it.”
• “I’m sure it would never happen again.”
• “Don’t cry.” (or “Be strong for your family.”)
• “Be happy for what you have left.”
• “God must have needed him/her in heaven.”
• “Thank God you have other children.”
• “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.”
• “Don’t let it rob you of your joy.”
• Personal stories that compare this grief or loss to some other grief or loss.
• Anything that tells the person how they 'should' feel instead of how they do feel

I am 67 now, and I have yet to EVER be loved WELL by ANYONE, except for a few friends. It isn't particularly comforting when my needs for intimacy of all types go unfulfilled, but someone's parting shot, in a conversation about it, is, "Remember, GOD loves you!" There are nights, as I lay in bed using my vibrator to release the pent-up, sexual, tension in my body, enough that I can go to sleep, that I pray to God to please allow me to have the orgasm from this mechanical device, at least, because I have lain there for two hours, unable to get to sleep. For me, vibrators are a Godsend. I feel fairly sure that, I WOULD HAVE LOST MY MIND, by now, if I did not have that outlet. But, it is still sad, to me, that THIS IS NOT GOD'S BEST, for me, as a woman, to have a, small, pink, gadget, instead of a man, and I have not ever met my 'Mr. Right', apparently, based on results, to be ABLE to BE WITH HIM. I even ask God, at times, "Could You not have made even ONE man, for me, to BE WITH in a LOVING RELATIONSHIP?" and "If You DID would You-- PLEASE!-- BRING US TOGETHER, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE?" HOW can I believe that God can do anything if He can't or won't allow me to have ONE PERSON TO LOVE AND BE LOVED BY in my life? I am NOT 'impatient'. Nor, can anyone ACCUSE ME, of that, when I have been celibate for OVER 25 YEARS, now. I REALLY NEED A MIRACLE!

It isn't just being denied, or deprived of, romantic love, with a man, though, that makes it difficult for me to feel hopeful about finding the fulfillment that I need. I prayed alot about getting good, caring, neighbors before I even moved here, and  it is hard for me to reconcile the reality of this sad and stressful situation with the hopeful things that I had prayed so fervently about having, in this place, prior, to moving here. People have done some horrendously hateful, and hurtful, things to me, here, that, I did not deserve, from them, or from anyone, and it has affected me, in some serious ways, that basically come down to me being traumatized, by being bullied and defamed here, so much. Just a couple of months ago, I was not sure I would live through the pain of it all, it has broken my heart so much. I had to struggle with every ounce of strength in me to WANT to KEEP ON GOING, with life itself, THEY BROKE ME SO BADLY, here, by publicly humiliating me, gossiping, about me, and all the other ugly things, they have subjected me to, here, and for no good reason. Even when I feel like God is letting me know He is real and He is 'here' with me, at least in Spirit, I know that it would not be this bad if I only had someone here with me to stand up for me and 'have my back'. These people take advantage of my vulnerability, because I am alone. It is like a sheep, surrounded, by a pack of wolves, for me, here, at times. WHY did God not answer my prayers to give me BETTER NEIGHBORS? I LOVE my HOME here and the area it is in, but  it would have been TRUE HEAVEN ON EARTH for ME had it not been run by clique bitches that made me one of their primary targets. That has not been fun for me. 

They have really diminished the quality of my life, here. It is something that, I've had to deal with, live through, factor in, stop doing things I enjoyed because of it and compensate for the constant assault on my peace of mind that it has caused.

I KNOW without a doubt that God DID THIS MIRACLE and GAVE ME THIS HOUSE, but WHY didn't He do, or why COULDN'T He do, the REST of what I prayed about, before I moved here, that I needed to have here to be able to LIVE MY BEST LIFE in these latter years of it? There are days, that I do wonder, about the reality of a loving God, when I deal with these disappointments in my life, and sometimes, it seems possible to me that the whole 'God' thing is REALLY just another myth that  I have been indoctrinated to accept as actual truth. I can objectively see how that may very well be possible, given things as they are, not only in MY life, but in the world at large. There is SO MUCH NEED for LOVE on this planet, and seemingly so little of it to go around. I find it very difficult to add any love to the deficit, myself, because I'm SO BURNED OUT, by NOT HAVING MY OWN NEEDS MET for SO LONG now. EVERYONE is WANTING and NEEDING to BE LOVED, by someone, but rather than contributing, many of us are dried up from unmet needs, waiting and hoping for someone to 'bring us back to life' again by watering us with a refreshing love.  

It would be sad if the God I have spent my entire life believing in turned out to be another myth, like Santa Claus. Both, of them, are said to show love for mankind. We are taught that both of them can do miracles and both of them desire to bless us with gifts. We are taught that they both work mostly behind the scenes, mostly invisibly. People teach us that both, God and Santa, know everything about us, as far as whether we are being good or bad, and that they reward us accordingly. We are taught to tell God and Santa the deepest desires of our hearts, presumably so they can, and will, meet, those longings, by what they bring into our lives. We are taught to believe in their very existence, even though, alot of the explanations for why so much in this life doesn't match up with what we are taught about them do not make rational sense, therefore demanding that we simply abandon all reason, and logic, and simply accept that, they are real, by a simple act of blind faith that they exist, and that they are the rewarders of those who believe in them. We are taught that they both have alot of 'helpers' of their cause, all over the earth, that represent them and reflect on them, whether that be Santas in every mall, or the Christians doing acts of goodwill and charity, in God's Name. Both God and Santa are the focus of Christmas, and people are encouraged to, seek them out, during the Season, and to celebrate, with them as the focal point of that. We are taught to trust them to want to bless us and if, or when, that falls through, we are given some explanations, or excuses, for that, which often make absolutely no sense in any way. There are TV shows and movies which portray them as real, live, beings (God, of course, being visible in the physical manifestation of Jesus on the earth) although, we do know for a fact that Santa isn't truly one, real, person. Some see the shows about Jesus as being the same way; as dramatizing the life of a person who is not, truly, God's Son. Again, we are taught to simply believe in them both, often by the same adults in our lives when we were, impressionable, children. So, when we find out that SANTA isn't real, HOW do we believe that the SAME people who TAUGHT US ABOUT HIM were TELLING US THE TRUTH, that, JESUS is REAL? 

We are taught that both God and Santa know if we believe(d) in them or not, and that we are accountable to them, for what we do and don't do. God, has the Book Of Life that our names are written in if we are saved by faith. Similarly, Santa has his 'Naughty and Nice' List, that he checks to see, which side, our names, are on. Nothing can keep, either, of them from accomplishing what they set out to do, no matter what the obstacles are. Both God and Santa, bring hope to human hearts. There are, holiday, songs about each one. Bread and wine, symbolically, feed the collective 'body of Christ', while, cookies and milk feed Santa's body. Neither God nor Santa are hindered or constrained, in any way, by things like walls, or lack of  a chimney, in a home. They can both get into any place that they want to access, at any time. It is clear there are alot of parallels between the story of who God is and the tale of who Santa is. SO MANY, similarities. We are taught about BOTH of them by the same adults in our lives, for the most part, who at some point tell us that SANTA ISN'T REAL . . . but that GOD IS REAL. That's what THEY were taught a generation before us by the adults in THEIR lives, when they were children, and those were taught these things by the adults who raised them, and so on. Do you see WHY there are times that despite a LIFETIME of FAITH in GOD BEING REAL, I DO start to QUESTION it, when circumstances in my life are, what they are, and I know that a LOVING and MERCIFUL God, who supposedly can do ANYTHING, CAN answer my prayers-- especially about, long-unmet, needs, I have-- but DOESN'T?

I whisper my prayers into the darkness, when I lie awake, for hours, some nights, hoping, I AM praying to a REAL, LIVING, GOD, and that I HAVEN'T been CONNED. People would be quick to penalize me for that, saying that God rewards faith, and  I am doubting His existence, in those times. But, I believe in a God that, knows, I struggle with doubts at times, because HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, and I ultimately choose to continue, to trust Him, despite, my real needs not being met. Whether it's about Santa Claus, or God, we each have to decide, what we believe, at times, in our lives; often, in spite of things, that, contradict, what we believe. I do have a hard time understanding why God put a heart of such depth of passion in me, but hasn't seemed to have ONE good man that can or will LOVE ME for ME and BE MY MAN. This really shouldn't be such an IMPOSSIBLE-seeming prayer, to get answered. It is pretty basic. I'm sitting inside a house, typing this, that I SAW God literally do AN IMPOSSIBLE MIRACLE to provide for me, and I am amazed by that every day. THERE WAS NO WAY but HE DID THIS for ME! Why is blessing me with REAL LOVE WITH SOMEONE more difficult than that? GOD IS ABLE TO DO IT, so does that mean, since, He doesn't do it, since He hasn't done it, that I AM NOT WORTHY OF THE BLESSING of LOVE? WHY make me WHO I AM and DENY me the JOY of LOVE? Maybe, I'll ask Santa, for, a loving man, for Christmas. Just in case. 

* https://www.cnn.com/2017/12/19/health/kids-santa-claus-belief-parent-curve-intl/index.html and https://www.inverse.com/article/51857-is-santa-real-survey-reveals#:~:text=An%20estimated%2085%20percent%20of,their%20parents%20tell%20them%20to.

** https://news.gallup.com/poll/393737/belief-god-dips-new-low.aspx    

*** https://www.cbsnews.com/news/police-man-with-assault-rifle-dc-comet-pizza-victim-of-fake-sex-trafficking-story/  

**** toxic positivity- the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. This is beyond optimism and positive thinking. Toxic positivity rejects, all, difficult emotions, in favor of a cheerful and often falsely-positive facade. While appearing upbeat, it is actually an unhealthy, dysfunctional, emotional management style, without the full acknowledgment of negative emotions, particularly anger and sadness. It doesn't reflect life's reality.